Monday, 16 July 2018

9th Raya and being childfree.

I changed again the blog theme. I love to play around with the blog theme and blogspot has offered quite a variety of beautiful template recently. I just not sure which template actually speaks of me. revert to the classic and old template as it look so dull and ugly and maybe shooing people away so they not read the humdrum things here. Hahaha..Look, I don't know who's on earth care about the blog template, we people are busy updating of Insta Stories yo. Hahahhaa..By the way, Hai everyone!

I know nobody answer as blog is no longer relevant. I just glad I able to write, despite the tight schedule and fatigue. My life is not that hectic but everyday I will be exhausted and have no time to read on journals. Sometimes I will even sleep with my makeup on and towel wrapped around the body. 

I think it is so long time I didn't write of being childfree isn't it?

This year is my 9th Raya as a wife, and I am still childfree. I use word childfree instead of infertile like before, because in my opinion, it does not contain any judgement or evaluation to the circumstances. I frankly never never never in my life thinking that I will live this kind of childfree life. But I never said that I am pro-motherhood and dream to be a mother since I was in Form 1, but to be childfree this long is something I never see it coming. So the ugly (or beautiful) truth always prevails that people plan but God is the best planner.

I also came across a friend of mine who is two years married ahead of me (that means 10 years of marriage), just got birth before Raya. She just updating it through two whatsapp status (no FB updates/IG updates) the photo of her baby and new 'handbag' she carry for open house. I don't want to ask her directly as I afraid it will become intrusive, although I know she is very soft and she will be glad if people ask. I will wait for her announcement instead.

And of course, people around me adding up more childrens and the older one go to school. Apparently, it does not bother me at all. Maybe because people will no longer ask me anymore or concern of giving unsolicited advice, for whatever reasons. Alhamdulillah for that. I deal with one makcik who actually a relatives of my husband. My husband have a lot of family members and extended families because you know people said Javanese love to breed haha! She actually just knew that we are childfree and my 9th year of marriage shocked her. She also can't comprehend why on earth we have no children and why we work too far. She don't understand and a little bit stunned when I replied to her sternly with poker face that maybe I will not have children. The house is quiet and awkward and only the noise from stupid show in television imbued the house. With that mentality, I cannot blame her and I didn't offended at all. It's just not her. It's the mentality of the people. 

In my new workplace, the people around me never asked or never joke or mock me about that. It just one time question and when I said I have none - it become no longer a thing anymore. There is someone is my division just got married last year and she and her husband currently in depress situation. So sometimes I become her confidante, and she said I want to be strong like you. So I replied, Eh no. You have to be strong everyday and every time -- you will give birth soon and you will not waiting for a long time like me. She and her husband had consultations at various clinics and hospitals and massage for pregnancy too. She just not feel comfortable to tell people all her effort. The doctors has said that she is the problematic one where she have a 'situation' which I cannot describe here. So she feel very disappointed with herself. With her situation, I didn't see any problem because from my reading with TTC blogs, her situation is not end of the world, she can pregnant naturally. But she is so depressed, and what make her sadder, the other girl who married at the same time with her from another division got pregnant straightaway and always rub to my friend's face (and to me) of her protruding belly. I no longer affected by that kind of gesture but for someone like her, it affect her much. With the stress effect, her productivity at work lesser and she took a lot of MCs. After that, she asked for second opinion and tadaa! She actually is free from the 'situation' and normal. She then bounce back and happy again and she seek solace by living life. For now it's just the waiting game. And I secretly hope she will be pregnant soon. 

I also sympathy for my brother and my SIL. They had undergone 1st IUI and failed. And currently undergoing 2nd one. After the failure, both of them coming to my parent's house and sadly my SIL said to my parents - I am sorry I fail to give you grandchildren - but my parents refuted her that she is not fail, she is putting effort and my parents also said they are not affected with the news at all. They said the life is moving on and they will meet the Creator - whether they have grandchildren or not. I listened this through my mum and I feel sad over her. Both of them laments and grieves when others around them having children. I feel sad and secretly I hope the 2nd IUI is successful to end the misery.

As for me, I don't know my own heart, feeling and emotion. I don't know if motherhood is a good thing for me or not, considered that my life is 180 degree different from before. I have more money if I want to do treatment, but I am all alone in this new town that make me contemplating if motherhood is better for me or not. Honestly with this kind of lifestyle, having a child is no longer an option. But my mum has insists that I should have one, at least adopting. My mum wanted me to have someone in my life that I can pour my emotion and love. And live life. The future is unknown and obscure and that makes me wonder what will happen to me and my mum keep repeating the meaning of life, for example for someone I can talk to or fight with..ahaha.

I think I am too comfortable with my loneliness and it has become my solitude. The effect from my depression from few years ago sometimes creeping in me and thus I shoo them away fast so that they not become my identity. The depression is so hard and painful that I not waking from my bed, not talking to husband, crying over and over in room and bathroom, don't want to see people and many more that I still not ready to share (I will one day but later!). I noticed that I seldomly got sick but few times when I am anxious of crowd and meeting new people, I will hit by fever. I actually don't know if that is the post-effect or not but I just assume. So far I no longer feel depressed like I describe before. Life is kind to me and I actually feel blessed of many beautiful things in my life. Hence I decided to change the 'sound' of this blog. Furthermore, blogging about the 'dalam kain' things will be bashed in the future, unlike several years ago when we blog and read other blog on our treatment or on what we feel with our body during sexual intercourse after treatment, without judgement, in fact we enjoy the mutual feelings and the new information we get. Additionally, bloglist of mine is no longer active and even if they are still active they not bother to read the rant of people like me. 

I wrote several poetry in my years dealing with depression. I thought of publishing it as I noticed pain has become the trend of poetry scene. However, some poetry that I wrote have a quite numbers of blank sentences, incomplete. There are some words that I want to describe but I don't find any exact words that I can associate it with. It is true that when people said depression means what happen is emptiness, not sadness. 

I can say that now I feel better and I am better person. People around me noticing it too and they are so happy about it. Alhamdulillah for everything.

There are a lot of things but later!


  1. Tatau nak kata apa.
    Just "virtual hugs" for you :)

  2. betul.kite ni macam dah imune dengan life so called childfree ni. takut juga bila dah tiba rezeki.....

    1. ha'ah..bila dah immune ni, tak datang period pula yang risau ..hahhaa


Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my ...