Sunday, 31 December 2017

Last day of 2017.

Only a few hours before 2018. 

Anyway Happy New Year.. May this year bring you joy and greatness to every aspects of your life.

I don't think I can write highlights or moments of 2017 like everybody else does, because my year of 2017 like splitting into two. 

The first half year I was in pathetic situation crying and lamenting. And most of you gave me good comments for me, good words to encourage me being patient (sabr) and all. I still remember I went to several interviews and competing with the youngsters. I was among the unemployment statistics. And I cannot lie people to that and sometimes it become a joke. The first half year I saw myself as no value.

The second half - I got a permanent job with good pay. Alhamdulillah.


To think back, I must be ungrateful bi*ch of only thinking my self value of not having job and children. I should be very grateful that I still have husband who is besides me, my family who is  always supporting me, still having good food on my table, still wearing good clothe in the closet, have so much time for any excursion, but  maybe my priority and self-esteem is different. Human cannot be satisfied. And I guess it is true. 

Considering my life now, I have become a different person. People around me have seeing me a different person and it shows obviously. Husband, family, friends and all. People said I looked better, glowing and radiance, have better self-esteem, good composure, more joyful and yeah every positive words I cannot describe anyway. In short, I am different toward betterment. 

The life journey is so meaningful.

Thinking again, all these years of life that I gone through has shape me into a better person. One vital thing I learn is ---

----- I no longer judge people easily and have compassion.

You know how I used to be a harsh woman and love to throw anger to people, but what life has throw me make me be careful in every actions to minimize the damage and heartbreak. 

And with that, I  try to see the best in people and make me more open to the possibilities. 

I used to ask to God to weed out negative people around me and I think Allah grant me that.

In my new place, no one is asking me if I want have a child and can you believe the issue of infertility -- no one make a fuss to me about it?

I really grateful to God that I not hurt by that question anymore. And maybe people just surprised I can go it through. Maybe because they saw me and my husband not bother about it and just to make our own life with our way. Maybe in my workplace the younger office mates don't dare to ask about it as some of them trying to conceive too after a year..They basically young newly weds so they afraid if the 'issue' hit them back like karma. Maybe they just see me as 'serious' person I don't know. I still adapting. I hope the positive thing I write here will be permanent InShaaAllah.

I think when I getting older, the instinct become more powerful. As I getting older I can read people easily like Black Widow of Avengers (haha!) but seriously this has save some disappointment to me.
I maybe successfully avoid some drama (ah, what a life without drama!) with this new talent (ok so perasan!) but I guess it just the experiences of life that taught me. I also have no expectation toward people and this save me from heartbreak and wrong decision. I also find myself have make good decision and not just following the trends or people around me just to be 'in' or to follow suit to be accepted. 

I also find that getting older my opinion to things has change. I was thinking Kajol is not pretty enough to be heroin but now I think she is really beautiful and I think no man can resist him that day when she was young. I also find myself into urban jungle and shop some greeneries and plants as decor to my office and my room. I also have a high compassion toward people and high empathy which sometimes make me cry, as I imagining if I be in their shoes. I cried few times on the case of Tahfiz Ittifaqiyah and I cried when knowing Elyana condition. 

The new life I have - have thought me who is real and who is fake. Who is family and who is strangers (because I can read people kan..?) And it surprised me a lot. 

And that make me even more depend to God and not taking people who loves me for granted, especially husband. 

The thing is my dear fellow friends, we take things that we have for granted because we though we own them. All of them are on loan from God. 

We are richer by the most population in the world but we forget because we submit to materials, position and social acceptance as yardstick to our own being. 

I think I will write more later. There are a lot of hanging sentences and ideas in this post. Too much in my head but I write too few. 


Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my ...