Saturday, 14 October 2017

Blog is no longer elevant but I want to write anyway

Hello everyone!

I know that blog is no longer relevant, and maybe no readers at all. But anyways, I feel safer with close radar and small circle like this. I also noticed after very minimal bloghopping recently that it seems I am the only one that still childless. The circles that I and TTC community have in yesteryears -- maybe no longer relevant too as most (maybe all) of them has transformed and progressed their life in motherhood journey. It's like the TTC topics and all whining and treatment updating is no longer revelant. Furthermore, we have Instagram which I think is faster and easier, and not consuming much of our time in our hectic life.

And yes, you heard me right. That I am still childless. And this year is my 8th year as a wife.

Surprisingly, the topic of child is no longer a big issue. I guess people already jemu and bosan to ask me if I have one or not. Maybe the waiting game is over and people maybe thinks, 'ah, let's just hope for miracle then'.

It is no longer a main issue too, because I am progressing in other areas of life.

I used to whine here on the issue of TTC and some effort, which is not a rigorous one. I also grieve on my career which I also failed miserably to get some permanent job and stability issue is a concern. It happen that (for me) being jobless and unstability is stressing me out tougher than being childless. I used to write about this too.  Maybe I am the one who cannot sit at home and trying new recipe or being a lady of leisure. I am kind of woman who can't happy just being a stay at home wife while others are ranting on how they want to be rich to become a housewife. I on the other hand, rich or poor -- I love to be the outside. Being stay-at-home wife is something I look forward.

One of the reason I stay out of the radar of TTC circle (if only the circle I thought still exist!), I already get a permanent job..Nobody can imagine how surprise I am and how grateful I am. It's like a miracle for me, in the midst of unemployment issue among graduates, I landed a decent job suitable with my qualification. Alhamdulillah.  Sometimes when I alone, I almost cry on how my life turned 180 degrees in a year. I have been in working forces for several months thus explained why I'm not active here. But, but I been meaning to write. I love to write. Writing also part of my job.

With the blessing like this, I also have to sacrifice one thing -- far away from my family and my husband. Meaning, we are currently LDR. However, quite contrary with people thoughts, I don't make it a reason to be sad and I don't make a fuss about it. Both of us are okay with us (for now, in the future I really don't know..) and we see each other in weekends.

Did I told you that I been rejected by few scholarships to do PhD, before?

I think God do wonders when unexpectedly that the new institution I work with require me to do PhD. I was zealous to further my study before but with some constraints, the dream no longer excites me. Along with the requirement, I found myself getting lazier because the momentum and excitement is no longer there but I cannot escape the reality and the fact in the world I  live in.

There are a lot of things happen that I want to write here and share with you, but my work is quite demanding that keeps me away from writing here.

I also considering of closing and deleting this blog, which I thought not giving any wonders or contributions in any ways. The first few years are my rants and whines and angry to the society for not understand my condition. After that, I was grieving about my situation and I thought life is not being kind to me..I also talked about bad things on how ipar duai and other family members too for not understanding me..which I feel bad and gulity too..

Furthermore, seeing the circles of mine have gone with their progress as mothers and all, has made me left out, alone. I have to accept the fact and redha and there's no way I can make the fact different.

If you ask me if I still wanna be a mother, my answer is IDK. I don't know because it seems from my action -- I have no motherhood instinct.. It's like I not put a good effort to get a child and I don't make it as what I write here. Like, I feel content and satisfy that I have no child. It is abnormal for a woman to feel that but that's what I think. I thought maybe I just feel content with my life and maybe I regret later, but what I write here is challenging my honesty. I don't know with this lifestyle I can a good mother as I have a lot of constraints compared to before. I hope for the best and maybe have a child not always the best for me. I maybe already accept that a long time ago and that's why TTC is not my main priority for recent few years back.

Still, I contemplate if I should delete this blog or not..


  1. Replies
    1. InShaaAllah when time comes, He will grant you what you wish for

  2. Salam hey...i still read yours..though not so much on TTC progress but..if you feel nowhere to go to rant about TTC, u know u can count on your blog..eventhough yea, IG is faster and far more easier..hihi..stay strong!

    1. Thank you for reading. Your comment make my day

  3. Takyah la delete..
    akak baca tau bila awak update.
    TTC'ian tetap akan TTC'ian selamanya walau dah bertukar status :)

    Apa pun, semoga segala urusan awak dipermudahkan :)

  4. BnC..*hugs*..the time will come In Shaa Allah..we just don't know when and how..Allah knows best..u have the talent..just write dear..might be your writing inspire someone somewhere..keep writing 😊

    1. thank you for your comment.

      Maybe I just rant about life

  5. Please dont give up.. & never stop writing..


    Setiap org Allah bg bende yg sama.. Tp berbeza2.. Jwpn yg sama.. Cuma kita perlu cari & tengok diri kita balik.. InsyaAllah.. Buat yg terbaik.. Allah akn bagi yg terbaik nanti.. Don't be sad.. Sy pun dh 4 tahun kahwin tp Allah blm beri rezeki. Mungkin sebab cara hidup sy / mungkin juga sebab sy tak tau yg sy nak anak atau tak. Mulut ckp nak.. Tp hati?

    1. ha exactly...mulut kata nak..hati macam tak iya..usaha macam kurang...apepun I leave it to Allah

  6. here ttc 7 years..pun dah tak update ape2..but miracle do happen kan...i tak sedar i pregnant, tau2 gugur :D, last 2 weeks..happy sgt, coz I know i can pregnant naturally, my husband's sperm was OK, ok la kan....tak penah2 dpt UPT double tu....still, dah lama tak buat ape2, just enjoy je.... ada, rezeki Allah, takde, byk dah rezeki Dia bagi kan? ..u specialist bahagian ape ek? tempat i ni mcm kerja2 cybersecurity, berkaitan dgn security cyber, incident report, ISMS, ada satu department technical ni nk guna org..kalau nak, emel je resume ok!

    1. hey dear..congratulation!...

      it's okay you can try again..

      oh you punya department jauh tu dengan I...

      but it's okay dear...already got a permanent job

  7. Dont worry... saya dah 18 tahun pun masih belum ada zuriat...

    1. 18 years...

      moga saya diberi kekuatan untuk menempuhnya

  8. Dont worry ... saya dah 18 tahun...


Race against time

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