Sunday, 31 December 2017

Last day of 2017.

Only a few hours before 2018. 

Anyway Happy New Year.. May this year bring you joy and greatness to every aspects of your life.

I don't think I can write highlights or moments of 2017 like everybody else does, because my year of 2017 like splitting into two. 

The first half year I was in pathetic situation crying and lamenting. And most of you gave me good comments for me, good words to encourage me being patient (sabr) and all. I still remember I went to several interviews and competing with the youngsters. I was among the unemployment statistics. And I cannot lie people to that and sometimes it become a joke. The first half year I saw myself as no value.

The second half - I got a permanent job with good pay. Alhamdulillah.


To think back, I must be ungrateful bi*ch of only thinking my self value of not having job and children. I should be very grateful that I still have husband who is besides me, my family who is  always supporting me, still having good food on my table, still wearing good clothe in the closet, have so much time for any excursion, but  maybe my priority and self-esteem is different. Human cannot be satisfied. And I guess it is true. 

Considering my life now, I have become a different person. People around me have seeing me a different person and it shows obviously. Husband, family, friends and all. People said I looked better, glowing and radiance, have better self-esteem, good composure, more joyful and yeah every positive words I cannot describe anyway. In short, I am different toward betterment. 

The life journey is so meaningful.

Thinking again, all these years of life that I gone through has shape me into a better person. One vital thing I learn is ---

----- I no longer judge people easily and have compassion.

You know how I used to be a harsh woman and love to throw anger to people, but what life has throw me make me be careful in every actions to minimize the damage and heartbreak. 

And with that, I  try to see the best in people and make me more open to the possibilities. 

I used to ask to God to weed out negative people around me and I think Allah grant me that.

In my new place, no one is asking me if I want have a child and can you believe the issue of infertility -- no one make a fuss to me about it?

I really grateful to God that I not hurt by that question anymore. And maybe people just surprised I can go it through. Maybe because they saw me and my husband not bother about it and just to make our own life with our way. Maybe in my workplace the younger office mates don't dare to ask about it as some of them trying to conceive too after a year..They basically young newly weds so they afraid if the 'issue' hit them back like karma. Maybe they just see me as 'serious' person I don't know. I still adapting. I hope the positive thing I write here will be permanent InShaaAllah.

I think when I getting older, the instinct become more powerful. As I getting older I can read people easily like Black Widow of Avengers (haha!) but seriously this has save some disappointment to me.
I maybe successfully avoid some drama (ah, what a life without drama!) with this new talent (ok so perasan!) but I guess it just the experiences of life that taught me. I also have no expectation toward people and this save me from heartbreak and wrong decision. I also find myself have make good decision and not just following the trends or people around me just to be 'in' or to follow suit to be accepted. 

I also find that getting older my opinion to things has change. I was thinking Kajol is not pretty enough to be heroin but now I think she is really beautiful and I think no man can resist him that day when she was young. I also find myself into urban jungle and shop some greeneries and plants as decor to my office and my room. I also have a high compassion toward people and high empathy which sometimes make me cry, as I imagining if I be in their shoes. I cried few times on the case of Tahfiz Ittifaqiyah and I cried when knowing Elyana condition. 

The new life I have - have thought me who is real and who is fake. Who is family and who is strangers (because I can read people kan..?) And it surprised me a lot. 

And that make me even more depend to God and not taking people who loves me for granted, especially husband. 

The thing is my dear fellow friends, we take things that we have for granted because we though we own them. All of them are on loan from God. 

We are richer by the most population in the world but we forget because we submit to materials, position and social acceptance as yardstick to our own being. 

I think I will write more later. There are a lot of hanging sentences and ideas in this post. Too much in my head but I write too few. 


Saturday, 14 October 2017

Blog is no longer elevant but I want to write anyway

Hello everyone!

I know that blog is no longer relevant, and maybe no readers at all. But anyways, I feel safer with close radar and small circle like this. I also noticed after very minimal bloghopping recently that it seems I am the only one that still childless. The circles that I and TTC community have in yesteryears -- maybe no longer relevant too as most (maybe all) of them has transformed and progressed their life in motherhood journey. It's like the TTC topics and all whining and treatment updating is no longer revelant. Furthermore, we have Instagram which I think is faster and easier, and not consuming much of our time in our hectic life.

And yes, you heard me right. That I am still childless. And this year is my 8th year as a wife.

Surprisingly, the topic of child is no longer a big issue. I guess people already jemu and bosan to ask me if I have one or not. Maybe the waiting game is over and people maybe thinks, 'ah, let's just hope for miracle then'.

It is no longer a main issue too, because I am progressing in other areas of life.

I used to whine here on the issue of TTC and some effort, which is not a rigorous one. I also grieve on my career which I also failed miserably to get some permanent job and stability issue is a concern. It happen that (for me) being jobless and unstability is stressing me out tougher than being childless. I used to write about this too.  Maybe I am the one who cannot sit at home and trying new recipe or being a lady of leisure. I am kind of woman who can't happy just being a stay at home wife while others are ranting on how they want to be rich to become a housewife. I on the other hand, rich or poor -- I love to be the outside. Being stay-at-home wife is something I look forward.

One of the reason I stay out of the radar of TTC circle (if only the circle I thought still exist!), I already get a permanent job..Nobody can imagine how surprise I am and how grateful I am. It's like a miracle for me, in the midst of unemployment issue among graduates, I landed a decent job suitable with my qualification. Alhamdulillah.  Sometimes when I alone, I almost cry on how my life turned 180 degrees in a year. I have been in working forces for several months thus explained why I'm not active here. But, but I been meaning to write. I love to write. Writing also part of my job.

With the blessing like this, I also have to sacrifice one thing -- far away from my family and my husband. Meaning, we are currently LDR. However, quite contrary with people thoughts, I don't make it a reason to be sad and I don't make a fuss about it. Both of us are okay with us (for now, in the future I really don't know..) and we see each other in weekends.

Did I told you that I been rejected by few scholarships to do PhD, before?

I think God do wonders when unexpectedly that the new institution I work with require me to do PhD. I was zealous to further my study before but with some constraints, the dream no longer excites me. Along with the requirement, I found myself getting lazier because the momentum and excitement is no longer there but I cannot escape the reality and the fact in the world I  live in.

There are a lot of things happen that I want to write here and share with you, but my work is quite demanding that keeps me away from writing here.

I also considering of closing and deleting this blog, which I thought not giving any wonders or contributions in any ways. The first few years are my rants and whines and angry to the society for not understand my condition. After that, I was grieving about my situation and I thought life is not being kind to me..I also talked about bad things on how ipar duai and other family members too for not understanding me..which I feel bad and gulity too..

Furthermore, seeing the circles of mine have gone with their progress as mothers and all, has made me left out, alone. I have to accept the fact and redha and there's no way I can make the fact different.

If you ask me if I still wanna be a mother, my answer is IDK. I don't know because it seems from my action -- I have no motherhood instinct.. It's like I not put a good effort to get a child and I don't make it as what I write here. Like, I feel content and satisfy that I have no child. It is abnormal for a woman to feel that but that's what I think. I thought maybe I just feel content with my life and maybe I regret later, but what I write here is challenging my honesty. I don't know with this lifestyle I can a good mother as I have a lot of constraints compared to before. I hope for the best and maybe have a child not always the best for me. I maybe already accept that a long time ago and that's why TTC is not my main priority for recent few years back.

Still, I contemplate if I should delete this blog or not..

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Not our timing, but His.

From IG : @ilovebukhari

Let's not delay in the timing of a gift (response to your prayers) - despite the persistence and firm continuance in making du'a -- be a cause of despair. For Allah has promised you a response, "Call upon Me and I will respond to you " (40:60) in the time of Allah and not you. For He knows what is better for you than you do. He has guaranteed you a response in the time He chooses, not in the time of your choice. 

An author writes, "Sometimes He gives while depriving you, and sometimes He deprives while giving to you". Sometimes, Allah's withholding from you is, in reality, a form of giving". 

Prophet Musa AS made a du'a to Allah against Firaun and his followers (10:88) which got answered 40 years later. Not straight away. Why? Because Allah has perfect timing and only Allah knows best when that is. 

Maybe Allah is delaying a response to your response because Allah loves to hear your voice whilst calling out to him. Maybe Allah is delaying a response because Allah wants you to reach a certain status in Jannah which you can't achieve just by your deeds so Allah is testing you in different ways so you may become successful.

Patience and avoiding hastiness befits the servant. Do not lose hope in your duas as they're weapon of a believer. The Messenger of Allah has said, "The du'a of any one of you will be answered so long as he is not impatient and says, "I made du'a but it was not answered."

Allah has perfect time, never early never late. It takes a little patience and faith, but it's worth the wait."

Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my ...