Monday, 24 October 2016


It's been months!

I have been unemployed back, due to the contract end. Now I am struggling to find new jobs. Been in several job interviews and PhD scholarship interviews, got shortlisted by some, but yet rizq and luck still not on my side. I was quite despair at first, ashamed, hopeless and dissapointed with myself but I then regain some consciousness that it is my life and timeline. I decided that I don't want to give up and will put more effort. And please don't suggest of online business to me, or questioning  my relationship with God, because I heard them a lot that I don't think I wanna hear it again here. But I appreciate if you can make a pray (du'a) for me, and thank you for that. May God repay your kindness.

I aware that almost all of the TTC blogger that in my community and circles, the blogroll and TTCians I knew -- all are currently enjoying the new phase in life, and more than half are getting second child. Congratulation and Alhamdulillah! I on the other hand, is still only two of us. I and husband are still married couple hahahaha! Of course it is laughable because I thought we can't get through all of these. I thought being childless is one of our problem, but I can assure here that none of the arguments or our fights contributed by being childless factor. We are the kind of always-fight-but-will-make-up-later-then-fight-again-but-still-not-separated couple. Haha! I think we lack of communication and we always have problem in expressing views and opinion, because of our different background. I am still not pregnant and never taste the pregnancy. It almost 7 years and I myself quite surprised on how I go through all these years. I write in this blog since my marriage in 1 and a half year and now it approaching 7. Can you imagine? No, please don't imagine because not all things are bed of roses, it is quite painful at first but as the years goes by, I am no longer deeply affected by it. I also ashamed to read my old posts because most of them are my resentments and my immature whining. How shameful hahaha!

Last year, I kept going to hospital because of other illness. One day, someone (staff in the hospital) approaching my husband and asked about our background. He was surprised we don't have children and he told us about the fertility scheme at that hospital for couple married more than 3 years (or 5 years I can't remember) that enable the couple to go through of IUI thrice and IVF if the IUI fail. The scheme is free but I cannot provide any details here because we still have a limit knowledge about that and need to go through the exact information and the terms involved. I myself love to hear that so as my husband, but I was working very far from the hospital and at that time we were in long-distance couple so we postponed the plan. 

We have moved to new home that husband bought two years before. Alhamdulillah.  And we are still decorating the home. The neighbors are mostly youngsters with 1 or 2 kids and mostly are professionals and educated. So you can imagine how the Whatsapp group sounds like. 

My SIL has been through the rigorous treatments like yours on trying to conceive. I wished her well. I myself not really brave to undergo HSG. There was one doctor that I see suggesting to me of one treatment to see the tube block, but not HSG..I really forgot what was the term and according to him, it cost less than rm200 in private hospital. 

For now, I practiced healthy eating - less sugar and small portion. It happened that after I bragged in here that I getting thinner, I go back to my old eating habit because I feel so comfortable in that size and thought that maybe a little sugary drinks don't do harm. I gaining weight back. 

So as I wrote above, I and husband moved to new home in fasting month, so it takes a toll on me. I was busy unpacking, arranging and decorating the furniture and all the belongings that make me really fatigue and exhausted..I got hemorrhoid then. It was painful I can't do my praying or walk or even getting dressed. So I stay at home lying on the bed for two weeks. And that's how I lose some weights. So after that, my mother advised me to start on healthy eating and don't gain weight anymore. I don't look at the scale, but everyone I met complimented me that I am gaining ideal figure that appropriate with my height. I don't do much exercise, but controlling food intake. I still take fast food but not frequent anymore. I ordered plain water/mineral water wherever I go. I also stock up the plain water because I was influenced by the plain water movement in Twitter via twt_kecantikan. The curator have a beautiful skin and thin, and she don't consume supplements. She said it was because of plain water. She also teached the followers on how to make plain water as our lifestyle and I think it is really easy. So yeah I am now depend highly on plain water and my testimonial ---since I practice plain water consumption (since 4 months ago), I rarely get sick like fever, cough, or mouth ulcer, or headache, or stomachache. Alhamdulillah. I also read that plain water reduced weight and able to burn our cholesterol. The visits to the loo is frequent but it's all worth to me. 

I think that's enough for now. Will update later.


Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my ...