Monday, 24 October 2016


It's been months!

I have been unemployed back, due to the contract end. Now I am struggling to find new jobs. Been in several job interviews and PhD scholarship interviews, got shortlisted by some, but yet rizq and luck still not on my side. I was quite despair at first, ashamed, hopeless and dissapointed with myself but I then regain some consciousness that it is my life and timeline. I decided that I don't want to give up and will put more effort. And please don't suggest of online business to me, or questioning  my relationship with God, because I heard them a lot that I don't think I wanna hear it again here. But I appreciate if you can make a pray (du'a) for me, and thank you for that. May God repay your kindness.

I aware that almost all of the TTC blogger that in my community and circles, the blogroll and TTCians I knew -- all are currently enjoying the new phase in life, and more than half are getting second child. Congratulation and Alhamdulillah! I on the other hand, is still only two of us. I and husband are still married couple hahahaha! Of course it is laughable because I thought we can't get through all of these. I thought being childless is one of our problem, but I can assure here that none of the arguments or our fights contributed by being childless factor. We are the kind of always-fight-but-will-make-up-later-then-fight-again-but-still-not-separated couple. Haha! I think we lack of communication and we always have problem in expressing views and opinion, because of our different background. I am still not pregnant and never taste the pregnancy. It almost 7 years and I myself quite surprised on how I go through all these years. I write in this blog since my marriage in 1 and a half year and now it approaching 7. Can you imagine? No, please don't imagine because not all things are bed of roses, it is quite painful at first but as the years goes by, I am no longer deeply affected by it. I also ashamed to read my old posts because most of them are my resentments and my immature whining. How shameful hahaha!

Last year, I kept going to hospital because of other illness. One day, someone (staff in the hospital) approaching my husband and asked about our background. He was surprised we don't have children and he told us about the fertility scheme at that hospital for couple married more than 3 years (or 5 years I can't remember) that enable the couple to go through of IUI thrice and IVF if the IUI fail. The scheme is free but I cannot provide any details here because we still have a limit knowledge about that and need to go through the exact information and the terms involved. I myself love to hear that so as my husband, but I was working very far from the hospital and at that time we were in long-distance couple so we postponed the plan. 

We have moved to new home that husband bought two years before. Alhamdulillah.  And we are still decorating the home. The neighbors are mostly youngsters with 1 or 2 kids and mostly are professionals and educated. So you can imagine how the Whatsapp group sounds like. 

My SIL has been through the rigorous treatments like yours on trying to conceive. I wished her well. I myself not really brave to undergo HSG. There was one doctor that I see suggesting to me of one treatment to see the tube block, but not HSG..I really forgot what was the term and according to him, it cost less than rm200 in private hospital. 

For now, I practiced healthy eating - less sugar and small portion. It happened that after I bragged in here that I getting thinner, I go back to my old eating habit because I feel so comfortable in that size and thought that maybe a little sugary drinks don't do harm. I gaining weight back. 

So as I wrote above, I and husband moved to new home in fasting month, so it takes a toll on me. I was busy unpacking, arranging and decorating the furniture and all the belongings that make me really fatigue and exhausted..I got hemorrhoid then. It was painful I can't do my praying or walk or even getting dressed. So I stay at home lying on the bed for two weeks. And that's how I lose some weights. So after that, my mother advised me to start on healthy eating and don't gain weight anymore. I don't look at the scale, but everyone I met complimented me that I am gaining ideal figure that appropriate with my height. I don't do much exercise, but controlling food intake. I still take fast food but not frequent anymore. I ordered plain water/mineral water wherever I go. I also stock up the plain water because I was influenced by the plain water movement in Twitter via twt_kecantikan. The curator have a beautiful skin and thin, and she don't consume supplements. She said it was because of plain water. She also teached the followers on how to make plain water as our lifestyle and I think it is really easy. So yeah I am now depend highly on plain water and my testimonial ---since I practice plain water consumption (since 4 months ago), I rarely get sick like fever, cough, or mouth ulcer, or headache, or stomachache. Alhamdulillah. I also read that plain water reduced weight and able to burn our cholesterol. The visits to the loo is frequent but it's all worth to me. 

I think that's enough for now. Will update later.

Monday, 30 May 2016

The IVF success of septuagenarian couple in India

Last two or three weeks, seantero dunia talked on the successful IVF attempt by a couple in India. Wait, successful IVF attempt is normal news, but this event is quite remarkable sebab ia dilakukan oleh pasangan yang berumur 70 tahun ke atas. Dalijinder Kaur , 72 dan pasangannya Arman Singh, 79.

Mereka telah berjaya melahirkan anak lelaki yang dikira agak kecil, namun sihat..The couple had been together for 46 years, and they were always ridiculed by people, sebab persepsi ke atas childless couple is the curse from God.  (boleh baca sini juga - link)


Namun begitu, pakar2 merasakan perkara ini adalah tak wajar dari sudut peubatan. Ini termasuklah dari sudut kesihatan pasangan pada umur begitu. Kebanyakkan pakar tak berapa setuju sebab ia melibatkan kesan emosi carrying the child for 9 months pada umur lanjut, dan bagaimana mereka nak menjaga bayi tersebut. Selalunya pakar akan menolak permintaan pasangan untuk melakukan IVF jika pasangan dah melebihi umur 60.  (bacaan lanjut boleh baca di link ini - link)

Kalau ikut report, pasangan ini sangat gembira, dan Dalijinder mengatakan dia penuh bertenaga semasa melahirkan bayi mereka, dan suaminya sangat membantu dalam pengurusan penjagaan bayi mereka. Tak silap I, mereka telah mencuba rawatan yang sama sebanyak dua kali tetapi gagal.

Dalam pada itu, media-media telah melabelkan doktor yang melakukan rawatan ke atas mereka sebagai 'tidak beretika'., kerana membenarkan IVF pada umur lanjut sebegitu. King of fertility, Dr Anurag Bishnoi telah dikatakan tidak beretika dan memberikan persepsi tidak baik kepada rawatan kesuburan. Namun, Dr Bishnoi mempertahankan keputusannya, dan mengatakan umur bukan penentu atau penghalang kepada seseorang untuk menjadi seorang ibu. Dia berkata dia telah ada klien yang berumur 60an dan banyak klien berumur 40 tahun ke atas yang telah berjaya menjadi ibu. 

Dr Bishnoi mengusahakan kliniknya bersama isterinya yang juga pakar O&G. Mereka kata pada mulanya, mereka tak mahu merawat pasangan ini, tapi akhirnya mengalah setelah melihatkan keazaman Dalijinder. Dan mereka menguji tahap kesihatan pasangan tersebut, dan hasilnya didapati Dalijinder mempunayi tahap kesihatan yang baik untuk melahirkan anak..

Bacaan lanjut boleh baca di sini, tentang kontrovesi pasal Dr ni (link)

Monday, 16 May 2016

Fast food and infertility

Last week, ada sedikit polemik di Twitterjaya. Not a polemik pun, more to misunderstanding je sebenarnya. Tak ada apa pun sangat lah. Ni gara-gara seorang akaun Sahabat Ustaz Don telah share kan twitpic screencapture dari Instagram seorang Dr juga. 

It ignite the provocation when the Twitter account Ustaz Don/anyone behind this account tulis 'Fast food menganggu kesuburan. RT untuk kesedaran". The screen capture tu pula ala-ala macam menghentam our circles kononnya suka sangat makan fast food, and konon-konon makan prophetic food but only once a week, dan the fast food boleh menyebabkan anak cacat and so on.

I don't get offended pun because it is a knowledge yang kita semua pun dah tahu, the fast food is unhealthy. I think you all pun tak la rasa offended sangat kan..Cuma pada mothers who have different-abilities kids tu maybe offended, like they get that child because they consumed a lot of fast food. 

In Twitter, dah ada a group of medical doctors in every field and area yang actively updating the Twitter to give awareness about medical stuff, just #MedTweetmy tak silap, and banyak sangat ilmu yang boleh didapati, lebih2 lagi #perangmelawanmitos. Like banyak gila benda selama ni yang dimomokkan kepada kita turun termurun that actually takde kaitan pun. 

Ok balik semula pada asal. So this Dr betulkan bahawasanya fast food DIRECTLY causing infertility is not true. And the Dr punya Instagram account pun dah padam the statement and mohon maaf. Beliau pun mengaku it's actually salah faham. 

The thing is, there is no medical research yang kata fast food is DIRECTLY causing infertility, but banyak research yang kata in causing indirectly. Like fast food menyebabkan obesity, and obesity menyebabkan infertility problem. Like the following dari PubMed. Boleh tengok this (link). I just baca abstract. 

Boleh juga baca this (link), and this (link). Memang kalau kita type fast food + infertility, melambak the result keluar, siap quote this Dr and this Dr. Cuma what they mean the correlation is indirect. But still fast food is unhealty for people, tak kisahlah trying to get pregnant or not. Bukan orang nak anak je kena jauhkan fast food, segenap lapisan masyarakat pun kena ada kesedaran tentang pengambilan nutrisi yang bagus. 

Cuma itu lah, salah faham selalu terjadi. To give awareness to people is good, but beware of the condescending tone dalam ayat. I pernah terbaca ada sorang tu tulis hasil perbualan dia dengan pakcik mana-mana entah tepi jalan, konon pakcik tu kondem cara pemakanan orang masa kini, tapi tu lah ayatnya tak berapa sedap like 'entah mana datang budak-budak cacat ni, zaman pakcik dulu tak de pun, sekarang ni dah merata pula'. 

Of course la people cannot accept that kind of condescending tone, sebab dia guna perkataan 'budak cacat merata', 'entah mana datang', and kondem orang zaman sekarang. You see, I am very sure ibu-ibu with different-abilities kid ni dah puas baca dah puas dengar perkataan2 macam tu, but can you imagine what they feel? It's like indirectly orang kutuk dia yang procreate the budak and orang kutuk cara pemakanan dia yang sampai dapat budak macam tu..Sedihnya.. So cruel..I think that different-abilities kid ni wujud di mana-mana tak kira zaman dulu sekarang, cuma sekarang ni the parents are educated and they are more open minded to embrace the differences in their kids, so they talked about it, rather macam some people yang sorok2 the condition of the kids. So do us the society kita pun embrace the differences, and they are anak syurga some more. Our ladang pahala. 

Ok back to the initial story (I know I always diverted to another topi). I admit that I was a fast food lover. It happened masa I was following husband to Borneo and I cannot eat their food. Tak lalu tekak. So for 7 months, I only eat fast food. Pagi McD Big Breakfast, Lunch McD or KFC or Pizza Hut, Tea I beli kek secret recipe, dinner pu n fast food apa-apa yang kenyang la, every single day. I gained 15kg in a year!. Teruk kan... So when I'm trying to conceive, I start reducing the intake and there are also campaigns on Palestine-related, with my initiative to reduce weight - rupanya tak la susah sangat. Actually I rasa fast food sedap and addictive. Bila makan sekali nak lagi sekali dan lagi. So it is up to us to cntrol the intake. So far memang jarang makan fast food. I guess all of us pun macam tu kan? Kita makan fast food pun sekali sekala la bukanlah pagi petang siang malam tu. I used to feel the life is unfair, that orang yang makan fast food banyak2 pun banyak je anak, orang yang dok tahan makan fast food like tak beranak2 fast food tu lah penyebabnya. Alah I think banyak je orang akan kondem our food intake due to our childfree status tapi lantaklah kita lebih tahu what we put in our body kan.

Monday, 15 February 2016

2016. I hope this is a good beginning

"Indeed with hardship comes ease" (15:85)


  • It is very long time I didn't write here. About two or three month maybe? I hope all of you are in the pink and in the protection of Allah. 
  • I just want to announce that I finally get a decent job. I whined and ranted so much last year on my misfortune, but when things go okay, I kept quiet, it's not fair. I already received my second salary. The job is something I love - research and writing. It actually a research project that I told you in previous posts that should begun in July/August. I thought the researchers already have their own team, but suddenly I received a call from research centre, that stating clearly all the terms and the details. I am so grateful, so grateful, I am over the moon and cloud nine.
  • It is just a temporary job, but again it beautify my resume and build my portfolio. But the ultimate thing I love is money! Hahaha..of course the salary is not very high, but I am still grateful because my project leader is so generous to pay me quite a lot compared to other colleagues within the same line of work. I am very thankful to her. 
  • I found that I becoming energetic, my mind can think clearly, my expression is understandable by people, and my work always been complimented. I just submitted my writing with one of the prominent publisher in UK despite I have no Dr in front of my name and not affiliated with any institutions or associations on a project I applied September last year, knew the result a month later (at that time I was still unemployed). when I submit my work to them last week, I put my designation and institution I work with before the abstract.  
  • What  I did with my first salary?  I paid my debt. I had a debt with my mother. She rejected it first, she asked me to buy gold to make an investment, because she said I work only temporary so I should save my money in gold form. I have to ditch the idea, I am not feeling well spending money and flaunting my gold ornaments in front of her while I still have debt to her. She took it anyway, Alhamdulillah.
  • Last Chinese New Year, my family came to my home. So my mother asked me to bring them to the area of house that my husband purchased last year. To my astonishment, the house is already complete. Complete with the electric and water meters, the road with traffic lights, means, it only need a CF. I and husband were so surprised because last time we visit, exactly on fasting month last year, they still do on plastering. We were not really have a heart to reside in the house because we thought it is so small and grotesque. In other words, husband was quite regret buying that, although the house is really inexpensive , compared to the 'affordable' price of house today. But now when we look at it, the house is complete with modern design, smart frames to windows, end lot unit, double storey, and modern colours, we both quite stunned and my husband sort of happy. My brother just bought a home and initially I was quite envy that people look up to him and downgrading me. I don't mind if people look up to him but when people started questioning my salary and if I really working..I just feel sad..Enough on mood spoiler. I just happy that this year has give me a good beginning.
  • I still not pregnant, neither my sister in law. Compared to me, my sister in law doing TTC treatment aggressively although they got married just a year. She and my brother were so eager to have a baby. I only keep quiet because I have no that plan for now. I still have another plan for my career development. I know I am getting older, but somehow being jobless is more difficult than being childless. In these days where companies are downsizing, there are many breadwinners out there scrapping for any menial jobs to live and to feed their families. I can only send my prayers and pray to Allah to give easiness for their living. I also heard a lot of Master and PhD holders not getting any job in this economic downturn. I almost cried when I read their grieving in Facebook posts, because I used to be at their place. We are some of the unlucky because we graduate in the uncertain economic condition. I also heard from my mother that her friends' daughters and sons who sort of having a depression due to difficulties in getting jobs. A friend of mine came back from overseas from her Master also being unemployed. I also heard some of friends who doing PhDs overseas are being called off , because the sponsors running out of money. I pray to Allah to ease them and give strength to face all of these, I used to be in their shoes, I really understand. I just being grateful for having a job although temporary, but it means a lot to me. I also pray that our economy will be better in few months so that we can get on our feet again.
  • Dear all friends, I want to say thank you for all your advice, your supports, your console, your soothing hugs, suggestions and everything you give to me. I pray that Allah will place your your rankings higher in Jannah , on  your sincerity and honest friendship. I cannot repay all your kindness but I am very sure Allah will repay you better. Thank you my dear friends. 
Will write more later!

Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my ...