I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey
- This month is our anniversary month. We celebrate none. I was busy with job application and chasing the deadline. Husband on the other hand was so busy, and furthermore we don't have a lot of money either. I wrote previous months ago that we have to change our lifestyle. I'm not working and our savings depleted. There are a lot of things need to be changed, but lifestyle is hardest one. Like, I'm questioning why I can no longer do this, and do that, why I can no longer buy this and that. Husband already told me about our anniversary date, at that time I was at parent's home so I don't bother about it much.
- Upon reaching the end of the year, I read a lot on year review. On how people did their review on the whole year in one post. I was about to do the same and was about to write that my whole year of this 2015 in two words; boring and misery. However, I realized there are a lot of moments I enjoyed, and should be grateful. There are new clothes that my parents and husband bought for me, new handbags, new shoes, new home decorations, good food and impromptu vacations. It's like I don't have to give any ringgit for all those things, but Allah gave them to me anyway. So it is sinful to not to be grateful. Life has ups and downs. I cannot expect life is all bed of roses.
- Been married for 6 years. To be frank, I never thought that my life of 6 years marriage will be like this. Unemployed, penniless, jobless and childless housewife. I was so active and ambitious, always exhausted, but no one thought that my life will be like this, including me. 6 years is not easy when there is only you two. Most of the times, I only grieving and lamenting on having a decent job so that I can earn money, like I don't care if I have a child or not. Like, I already accept my fate. Like, it's okay to have no child.
- But there are times, unexpected times I felt a pang of grief of being childless. I avoid to look the profile photo of Whatsapp or Telegram which most of my friends and acquaintances put their children as profile photo. Most of the time I feel nothing, but there are some unexpected times I feel different, that I feel that I am not perfect. But I brush off the feeling, that how to take care of a child if I still resenting on job and unstable financially..
- Sometimes I self-pitying, that is not good at all. I think I find solace in reading books, joining Twitterjaya or donning myself in good dress and makeup. Oh about donning, I'm not losing weight, but apparently my figure is getting better. People said I'm getting thinner, I don't know but most of clothes I cannot wear before, I can wear them now.
- I also make clear to myself this year I want to be stable instead of trying-to-conceive. It is because I don't want to get pregnant in the middle of career stabilization or PhD beginning (still contemplating in these two). I used to told this to my family, but they thought I just persuading my heart that my state now is ideal while it is not. I want to argue but seems they keep cutting off my speech when I'm expressing my opinion.
- I actually want to write a lot, there are a lot of feelings inside. This morning (this entry is auto-publish, I write this yesterday evening) I was a bit emotional for things I don't know (no, I'm not in PMS). It's just happened that I feel something warm, liquidy rolling down on my cheek, and found I'm weeping. But when I want to express it here, I am sort of losing words. Oh why woman always like this?! Hahaha