Tuesday, 22 December 2015

6 years of childfree: Is life revolves around on having child?


I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey


Assalamu'alaikum,

  • This month is our anniversary month. We celebrate none. I was busy with job application and chasing the deadline. Husband on the other hand was so busy, and furthermore we don't have a lot of money either. I wrote previous months ago that we have to change our lifestyle. I'm not working and our savings depleted. There are a lot of things need to be changed, but lifestyle is hardest one. Like, I'm questioning why I can no longer do this, and do that, why I can no longer buy this and that. Husband already told me about our anniversary date, at that time I was at parent's home so I don't bother about it much. 
  • Upon reaching the end of the year, I read a lot on year review. On how people did their review on the whole year in one post. I was about to do the same and was about to write that my whole year of this 2015 in two words; boring and misery. However, I realized there are a lot of moments I enjoyed, and should be grateful. There are new clothes that my parents and husband bought for me, new handbags, new shoes, new home decorations, good food and impromptu vacations. It's like I don't have to give any ringgit for all those things, but Allah gave them to me anyway. So it is sinful to not to be grateful. Life has ups and downs. I cannot expect life is all bed of roses. 
  • Been married for  6 years. To be frank, I never thought that my life of 6 years marriage will be like this. Unemployed, penniless, jobless and childless housewife. I was so active and ambitious, always exhausted,  but no one thought that my life will be like this, including me. 6 years is not easy when there is only you two. Most of the times, I only grieving and lamenting on having a decent job so that I can earn money, like I don't care if I have a child or not. Like, I already accept my fate. Like, it's okay to have no child. 
  • But there are times, unexpected times I felt a pang of grief of being childless. I avoid to look the profile photo of Whatsapp or Telegram which most of my friends and acquaintances put their children as profile photo. Most of the time I feel nothing, but there are some unexpected times I feel different, that I feel  that I am not perfect. But I brush off the feeling, that how to take care of a child if I still resenting on job and unstable financially..
  • Sometimes I self-pitying, that is not good at all. I think I find solace in reading books, joining Twitterjaya or donning myself in good dress and makeup. Oh about donning, I'm not losing weight, but apparently my figure is getting better. People said I'm getting thinner, I don't know but most of clothes I cannot wear before, I can wear them now. 
  • I also make clear to myself this year I want to be stable instead of trying-to-conceive. It is because I don't want to get pregnant in the middle of career stabilization or PhD beginning (still contemplating in these two). I used to told this to my family, but they thought I just persuading my heart that my state now is ideal while it is not. I want to argue but seems they keep cutting off my speech when I'm expressing my opinion.
  • I actually want to write a lot, there are a lot of feelings inside. This morning (this entry is auto-publish, I write this yesterday evening) I was a bit emotional for things I don't know (no, I'm not in PMS). It's just happened that I feel something warm, liquidy rolling down on my cheek, and found I'm weeping. But when I want to express it here, I am sort of losing words. Oh why woman always like this?! Hahaha


Yes, yes, Dowager Countess...! I will stop whining..hahahah



Later!

6 comments:

  1. i do have that 'moment' too once in while B&C. It just prove that we are human :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. love your writing. 6 years huh? 2016 will be my 6 years . recently my sil give baby boy on 13 dec. my whole family was extremely happy cos first baby , first cucu in my family. Alhamdulillah, emak abah got new title atok n opah..(tears..) i can give them yet, but Allah give my family happiness. ttc?not in the list right now.. maybe soon?Insyaallah... good luck for your career!xoxo welcome 2016!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Time flies so fast, righhhttt...

      Congratulation to you for new family members. InShaaAllah soon for you..Allah will give in the right time

      Delete
  3. be strong bnc! i know you are strong! saya pernah rasa macam mana awak rasa, but i think the book that you recommended before - the secret, sangat-sangat membantu. still want to thank you sebab introduce saya dengan buku tu. and just follow your heart.. just go for it.. do something for yourself.. kalau nak sambung phD just go for it, prepare for it.. kalau tiba-tiba conceive then it is rezeki.. kita merancang, Allah yang menentukan right? you will find a way to overcome this hurdle. saya doakan kita semua diberi yang terbaik oleh Allah. Amin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ya..banyak fikir but it is my plan and my ambition to get a PhD..surelah not for Dr in front of my name..but I want to contribute to society in the aspects of knowledge..a lot of challenges I am about to lose hope and ditch the plan, but then all my thoughts teringin..haha pelik lah..

      Thank you for the sincere advices. I love to hear this kind of remarks

      Delete