Tuesday, 22 December 2015

6 years of childfree: Is life revolves around on having child?

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey


  • This month is our anniversary month. We celebrate none. I was busy with job application and chasing the deadline. Husband on the other hand was so busy, and furthermore we don't have a lot of money either. I wrote previous months ago that we have to change our lifestyle. I'm not working and our savings depleted. There are a lot of things need to be changed, but lifestyle is hardest one. Like, I'm questioning why I can no longer do this, and do that, why I can no longer buy this and that. Husband already told me about our anniversary date, at that time I was at parent's home so I don't bother about it much. 
  • Upon reaching the end of the year, I read a lot on year review. On how people did their review on the whole year in one post. I was about to do the same and was about to write that my whole year of this 2015 in two words; boring and misery. However, I realized there are a lot of moments I enjoyed, and should be grateful. There are new clothes that my parents and husband bought for me, new handbags, new shoes, new home decorations, good food and impromptu vacations. It's like I don't have to give any ringgit for all those things, but Allah gave them to me anyway. So it is sinful to not to be grateful. Life has ups and downs. I cannot expect life is all bed of roses. 
  • Been married for  6 years. To be frank, I never thought that my life of 6 years marriage will be like this. Unemployed, penniless, jobless and childless housewife. I was so active and ambitious, always exhausted,  but no one thought that my life will be like this, including me. 6 years is not easy when there is only you two. Most of the times, I only grieving and lamenting on having a decent job so that I can earn money, like I don't care if I have a child or not. Like, I already accept my fate. Like, it's okay to have no child. 
  • But there are times, unexpected times I felt a pang of grief of being childless. I avoid to look the profile photo of Whatsapp or Telegram which most of my friends and acquaintances put their children as profile photo. Most of the time I feel nothing, but there are some unexpected times I feel different, that I feel  that I am not perfect. But I brush off the feeling, that how to take care of a child if I still resenting on job and unstable financially..
  • Sometimes I self-pitying, that is not good at all. I think I find solace in reading books, joining Twitterjaya or donning myself in good dress and makeup. Oh about donning, I'm not losing weight, but apparently my figure is getting better. People said I'm getting thinner, I don't know but most of clothes I cannot wear before, I can wear them now. 
  • I also make clear to myself this year I want to be stable instead of trying-to-conceive. It is because I don't want to get pregnant in the middle of career stabilization or PhD beginning (still contemplating in these two). I used to told this to my family, but they thought I just persuading my heart that my state now is ideal while it is not. I want to argue but seems they keep cutting off my speech when I'm expressing my opinion.
  • I actually want to write a lot, there are a lot of feelings inside. This morning (this entry is auto-publish, I write this yesterday evening) I was a bit emotional for things I don't know (no, I'm not in PMS). It's just happened that I feel something warm, liquidy rolling down on my cheek, and found I'm weeping. But when I want to express it here, I am sort of losing words. Oh why woman always like this?! Hahaha

Yes, yes, Dowager Countess...! I will stop whining..hahahah


Monday, 21 December 2015

Job quest: Being tested, broken but I am okay anyway.

A life without cause is a life without effect. ~Barbarella

Assalamu'alaikum and Hello

  • It has been a long time. Frankly I have a lot to write but it always been a constraint, let it time or internet. Furthermore,  I keep this blog secret from my husband so when he is around, I do not dare to open, I even clear my search history so that he will not find out. He used to find out my entry that I wrote earlier on Word/Text (can't remember), I insisted on him not to read and not to open the file but he is too adamant. He read and he gave comments like my writing is  not good enough. Maybe he just being sarcastic because that entry I talked about his sister-in-law, my biras. That happened years ago but lesson learnt.
  • If you ask me if I am busy, yes I am busy, but still unemployed. I attended my Master convocation (finally, phew!) after all hard years. Mind, that I did my master on part-time basis on fully research. So the journey looked alike PhD journey but in small scale. By the time I bound my thesis, I calculated the pages and compared to others, and looks like I achieved something, more than knowledge, but life lesson. I initially refused to attend convocation as I was so embarrassed I am the oldest one, but decided to attend anyway. I just hope I not bump into anyone I know, for example ; my classmate from secondary school who happened to be a lecturer at the university. Tssskk..
  • However, after I received my transcript which happened to be so simple compared to coursework students (as I did by research), I never knew that my opportunity to apply job become wider. At the time I received my transcript, there are a lot of job openings which have imminent deadlines. I was not rushing much because I already prepared the other documents, and just photocopied my transcript.
  • There also involved of the PhD proposal, I already did one. Last June, after I submitted my hardbound thesis, I was so eager to continue for PhD, so I wrote a proposal which hybrid some of relevant field, i.e. multidisciplinary, which I think easier to secure scholarship. I spent about RM 200 to make passport photos to be attached to application forms, bought ink for printers to print my CV and proposal, bought a lot of Pos Ekspress envelope, bought a rim of A4 papers, and other miscellaneous that happened to consume money that reach about RM 200. I was happy that I eventually able to fill up the form and happy that I am qualified to apply because before this, I applied underrated jobs, which I don't mind actually as long as I get some money. I intend to see in this 3,4 months if I can land a job based from my qualification.
  • I got two interviews from there. I was exuberance. I got a job offer from that, but I am tested again for second time, where they offered me a job with good income but happened to be silent afterwards. I attended the interview with positivism, and found that there are two interviewers, one is from HR and one from academic department. It happened that the HR person is dominating the interview session, sometimes cutting off the question from the academic head. And the HR is sort of cynical toward me, like I want to work there only for short period, and not intend to be serious, like I apply to work there because I am not worth for industry and so on. I told her about my experiences and so forth, but apparently the interview session is like I attending a lecture session, on how to be sincere in teaching and give contribution. One time I exchanging glance with academic head with expression that 'this is not right' but I don't mind anyway. I was asked to go for mock teaching, and sort of likable (by the staff and the students), if I can say so (but I'm very sure of it). Teaching in higher institution is not difficult to me, I have experiences at various institution before I migrated here to Peninsula. 
  • I got a call next morning that I was accepted but with few terms and conditions. At first, the terms and conditions feels so different, I never knew such thing practiced at other institution, but my mother said to try, because eventually it ends my waiting for job. At least I can make some money. And I not decided the rate of my service, the HR decided. Although I felt unease, but when I calculated back the rate, it is quite luxurious to me. Even better for re-joiner of working forces like me. But I still keep it as secret first. The day passed that I still not receive any schedule or email, so I called them back. I said I accept the terms, and HR said they will call me back. Until now it has been two weeks, silence. My father said I cannot do anything about that because I received no black and white, only several calls with HR with me which can be manipulated, considering no witnesses. Husband said the same thing, just let it go, no need to terhegeh-hegeh to show that I am desperate. (Erm, actually I am desperate to earn job and money, haha!). I sometimes kept replaying in my mind of our conversation in calls, to be sure what I heard is true, or if I can misinterpret something, or misheard..But the more I think, the more I am confident that I should knew in the first interview that HR person don't like me for unknown reasons, otherwise she would not lectured me or cynical toward me. I was fool yes, but I never expect this kind of thing happened. I don't know what I did wrong. Luckily I didn't tell my parents-in-law, otherwise they will questioned me like I am the wrong one. 
  • As I wrote before, this is my second time I deal with this. The first time happened on last July, which I don't know if it is appropriate to me to write it here. Basically I got a job that can pay me just OK but I don't mind. The project should started in the middle of last August, the fund for project is also granted, means there is no such thing as bidding the fund. I waited, and sort of preparing myself to move to work, bring some clothes to my parent's home, took some numbers to rent a room there, prepared some stationery and waited for the call. Months went by and I just knew early in this month that the proposal of the project is stucked at one of the prominent scholars in the area, who actually somewhere in Middle East. I actually trying to convinced myself for months that maybe the research team don't need me as my salary will be a bit expensive compared to degree holder, and the money they can spend on the overseas travel grant. I thought the project is already begun and they hired someone else, so I made no fuss. I just being redha and convince myself maybe the rezeki is not yet. 
  • My parents was quite sad and grief over my fate and rezeki. They are the parents so they sort of know my struggles and miseries even though I never lament about it. I just don't want them to see me as fragile and burden. Furthermore, I can see that they sort of giving attention to my sister in law with the hope she get pregnant. My husband on the other hand, I don't know what is his feeling, but I can assure he just get used to see me in home as housewife so he can never understand my struggles, my miseries, my unlucky fate and my tears. I tried to connect emotionally with him but I just can't. Yes, I underestimate him to understand my feeling. I don't know why but there are things beyond emotion and expression that I think he is not emotionally connected with me. 
  • I learned a thing from this thing -- that whatever job calls, or offerings, must be accompanied by black and white. I admit I relied on their sayings, because I think that's how it works nowadays. Three years without going out for work make me noticed there are so much changes in working culture nowadays, and I tried to adapt. But it took its toll on me. I learned so much from this. 
  • I am okay right now, when things happened again, it's like I'm immune and that thing not hit me hard like it used to. There are things beyond my knowledge and everyone knowledge why this is happening and why things happen for reasons we cannot create. Some people are just quick to judge me like, "Do you pray?", or "Are you donating or giving charity?", or "Do you perform solat Tahajud every night / solat Dhuha every morning?" or "What about asking forgiveness to your parents?" or any other questions that always relating to my deeds. I'm not brushing you off with all spiritual suggestions, I read every comments, I swallow them and I keep them into my mind and heart, but you should know before you suggest, I am far already know that, but to write my good deeds, and to tell people about it in my blog, or to tell people that I already did all those things, is not my style and not my preference. It's not only you, my closest family, friends, and neighbors did too. I was judged as 'lack of connection with God' hence I was tested this way. I understand that most of us are trying to be helpful, and we always want our friend and family to be better, and thus we always provide any best solutions. I also sometimes did it too. But as people tested like this, I am now quite mature to handle the grieving from others. Like I realized that most people are just wanted to be listened, to be calmed, to be motivated, not to be judged. Being judged is adding salt to our wound. 
  • If you ask me if I am okay now, I am really okay, because I am busy with other things. This thing may not earn me money but may beautify my resume. I will do anything to get a decent job. This things not break me up, rather I will put any extra effort. I am quite grateful that I am busy this way, otherwise I will go into depression state like months ago. (will tell you this later). I believe Allah has provide me a place for me to have a purpose, to contribute,  but I have to search it until I found one.
  • I may give you impression that my life is full of miseries. Wrong. If I give you impression as so, I may be sinful, because it indicate that I am not grateful for other blessings. I tend to write better when I feeling sad, and when I happy, I will write in my other blog. But I am not good in being consistent. I almost forgot my password. And sometimes I also don't feel right to expose my life even for 2 or 3 percents. While most of you write good and happy things, I write on depression things which sometimes sound like a wet blanket. So instead of being a joy killer, sometimes I give up. I also sort of feel that if I want to write on happy things or my achievement, people will know me. I want to stay anonymous. Because? Next point.
  • I want to stay anonymous in this blog because I talked badly about my sisters in laws my biras and some family members. I think talk about other people showing a small mind I have, and talking about family make me look like a bad person. After all, in this era, everything want to go viral even for smallest unimportant thing that most of the bloggers decided to leave blog. When I read your blog on travelling or masak-masak, I also want to do the same but yeah, I am a bad person who have evil thoughts to my sister in laws and birasses or other family members and write about it. How immature.. I actually find some times to delete or to revert to draft on my bad entry, like when I have evil thoughts of persons or things that shows my bad side. I want to do it because I afraid that it will contribute to the bad weight on al-mizan in the Day of Judgement. I admit that I want to delete this blog because TTC is no longer my main priorities. Like what should I write when I do not do anything about it. Or do I have to talk my miseries on being childless all the time? No. But somehow, I found there are numerous blogs on infertility that still write anything in between of their life. One of the links I put in this blog wrote about her life for 17 years after her stillbirth of her daughter. Means, life is not only revolves around getting pregnant just to make it normal. So I decided to keep this blog on banal updates on my life.
  • This post is too long. Will continue later.

Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my ...