Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Coming back here




Assalamua'laikum and Hello!

Lamanyaaaaaa tak menulis di sini. I am so sorry because I have other things to do. 

And I still living childfree.. !



I thought of writing here in Ramadan and ask your forgiveness yada yada yada, or told you my experience in our 6th Raya as childfree couple. Pun tak sempat. 

For the record this Raya is the blessed one because no one asking me about getting pregnant or making stupid statements. I know they making assumptions and talked behind my back , with all sympathy and telling my mother to suggest to me to adopt.

Now, people not suggesting for me of getting pregnant, rather they suggesting for adoption.
Macam la adoption is so easy kan..? Mudahnya cakap.. Tapi I tak kisah pun actually. Sebab I rather dengar pasal adoption daripada sebut pasal hal dalam kain I and husband. Or sebut pasal I banyak dosa ke or kena tambahkan doa dan pergi Mekah. Mudahnya cakap..

I rasa sunyi je group TTC ni, either in blog or Facebook. Most of the otai dah beranak and tambah anak, so yang ada ada ni terkapai kapai rasa ketinggalan pun ada. But what to do, dah memang takdirnya demikian. I baca ramai juga yang dah berjaya ambil anak angkat. Mudah rezeki kalian, tahniah. Moga jadi ladang pahala untuk Hari Pengadilan kelak. 

Kalau nak update pasal TTC, memang tiada. Zilch. My mother and some of kawan-kawan mak, termasuk yang living childfree sampai tua - suggest I untuk stop berurut. Some of them kata takut keradangan, ada yang kata takut rahim bengkak la, itu la ini la. Makcik urut also asking about me, sebab dia ingat I dah berjaya pregnant, but my mother told her that I am working and no time (which is not). 

Actually I have another inner conflict lebih besar dari TTC ni. Rasa lebih sakit sebenarnya. Rupanya TTC ni kecil je. Will tell about it next entry, jika rajin. Rasa macam Tuhan tak sayang saya, rasa macam life is not kind to me, rasa macam nak give up dengan hidup and accept je takdir yang sedia ada, rasa macam nak kuburkan je impian apa apa dan hidup humbly tanpa ada apa apa expectation and desire - which is mustahil la kan.., rasa macam impian untuk memiliki zuriat dah tak penting bila ada perkara yang lebih penting consume me inside. Maybe perkara tu tak penting bagi orang lain, tapi penting bagi saya. 



Later!


14 comments:

  1. same here. ayat pembukaan - tanya i berapa lama dah kawin. when i said 10 years, dia punya terkejut macam dosa je x de anak lps 10 tahun kawin. mana yg berani, macam2 la suggestion (mostly suh amik anak angkat). mana yg x berani dok cakap2 ngan my mil suh itu ini, macam la i xdengar sbb i dok dekat2 ja... (by the way, my mil ok je pun ngan keadaan i sbb dia tau usaha i semua).

    Ntah la... dorang ni x bahagia agaknya bila i x de anak :-P

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    1. I think kan, persepsi orang ramai on people being childfree is actually same. Regardless ada campaign kat FB ke, whatsapp ke telegram ke on not asking childless couple, persepsi tetap sama, dan darjat kita tetap lah rendah. Begitu lah. I once heard people said in front of me, "hina perempuan kalau tak beranak"..After that, I realized the true-est perception people towards the childfree couple, hina di mata mereka. And I don't care at all pun, sebab orang yang bercakap tu pun rumahtangganya tak bahagia dihina suami.

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  2. oh bnc. rindu dengan post you! well that last part pon i rasa jugak even though u are not telling it yet. i pernah rasa nak give up on everything! everything tau.. but be strong dear. do share, boleh kongsi rasa sama sama (yeah mine is not just being childless, hal childless tu dah jadi perkara keci for me). and cheer up!

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    1. Tu la I think childfree is small matter la, maybe I am not seeing motherhood is the ultimate achievement. Some people I know have the dream of being a mother walaupun baru habis sekolah menengah and dah ada nama anak siap-siap. maybe I have different priorities in my life yang tak serupa dengan orang

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  3. Lama tak nampak B n C.
    Apa pun kita doakan segala urusan awak dipermudahkan.
    :)

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    1. Tu la Kekda,

      Terima kasih atas ingatan dan doa

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  4. Salam B&C, whatever you do please dont stop praying Allah always listening.. pegang saja kata-kata ini.. disebalik semua kejadian ade hikmah nye..kunci nye sabar.. doa banyak2 berikan aku kekuatan..tunjuk kan aku jalan yang benar yaAllah.. kesian kan kat aku.. insyaAllah.. ade jalan nye.. kite doakan awak yerr.. aminn..

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    1. Thank you dear for the thoughts and prayer. And it touched my heart reading this. I pray the same for you in every way of your life

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  5. Waalaikumsalam wr wb & hello back to u!
    Keep writing my dear, I've been following u for a while.
    Scrolling ur blog and laugh at some of familiar experience is such an escapade for me :)

    Yes, you're right. Somehow, Infertility is like a dark mist which slowly spread hopelessness to all aspect of our life.
    at first, it's only which TTC, then relationship, then work, then ourselves.
    I don't know, but acknowledging this thing made me feel more proactive to combat the sense of hopelessness.
    Infertility is tough enough, and it's not worth it to let hopelessness ruin our entire life.

    Me, I'm 9 years on this journey.
    Learning to accept and enjoy the happiness in a family of two <3
    Alhamdulillah, I love the way I turned out to be, I have different perspective on life now :)

    Hey, Allah loves us, maybe He wants more private time with us.
    He wants us to think of Him most of our time - which maybe quite difficult if there's squirming babies around us :p
    Or maybe Jannah is too much fun for our babies - so they don't want to come down :D
    Lets continue our journey to meet them in the garden of heaven, May Allah accept our du'a.

    I pray for your health and happiness with your husband & family,
    may we find our own happiness in this road less traveled :)

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    1. I find solace reading your comment you jotted down here. Every word is true. I don't want to add or give any opinion on this, rather to enjoy, absorb and immerse everything you write here.

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  6. betul lahhh.iya pon raya ke4 with husband..xde org tanya pon..ade pon maktok je.org tua kan...mcm tak paham lom rezeki...and yes,true...kat blog ke fb mmg dah slow sikit pasal ttc ni...semua down season mcm kita kot.hahaha.terasa mcm lazy sgt nk update blog.but inshaaAllah we'll get thru this.im sure about that. ;)

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    1. Kenapa slow semua ek..tapi ada bagusnya juga, At least tak ada la baca benda yang boleh menyentak hati..Hm..ada setengah orang memang tak faham konsep rezeki.

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  7. Banyak hikmah childfree ni..lagipun tak ada orang yang kahwin tak nak anak..at least di akhirat nanti tak ada anak yang nak tuntut kot2 salah didik ke anak2 diorang yang ramai sangat tu..haish..geram je i dengar!

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  8. betul juga.this year slow je... takde yang tanye, atau i buat2 bz.. :D , or dok pot pet pot pet sampai diorang tak berpeluang n tanye soalan itteww :D , btw, i happy je...but lately my partner in crime asek tanye : u sayang i tak.... sedih pulak... :(

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