Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Coming back here




Assalamua'laikum and Hello!

Lamanyaaaaaa tak menulis di sini. I am so sorry because I have other things to do. 

And I still living childfree.. !



I thought of writing here in Ramadan and ask your forgiveness yada yada yada, or told you my experience in our 6th Raya as childfree couple. Pun tak sempat. 

For the record this Raya is the blessed one because no one asking me about getting pregnant or making stupid statements. I know they making assumptions and talked behind my back , with all sympathy and telling my mother to suggest to me to adopt.

Now, people not suggesting for me of getting pregnant, rather they suggesting for adoption.
Macam la adoption is so easy kan..? Mudahnya cakap.. Tapi I tak kisah pun actually. Sebab I rather dengar pasal adoption daripada sebut pasal hal dalam kain I and husband. Or sebut pasal I banyak dosa ke or kena tambahkan doa dan pergi Mekah. Mudahnya cakap..

I rasa sunyi je group TTC ni, either in blog or Facebook. Most of the otai dah beranak and tambah anak, so yang ada ada ni terkapai kapai rasa ketinggalan pun ada. But what to do, dah memang takdirnya demikian. I baca ramai juga yang dah berjaya ambil anak angkat. Mudah rezeki kalian, tahniah. Moga jadi ladang pahala untuk Hari Pengadilan kelak. 

Kalau nak update pasal TTC, memang tiada. Zilch. My mother and some of kawan-kawan mak, termasuk yang living childfree sampai tua - suggest I untuk stop berurut. Some of them kata takut keradangan, ada yang kata takut rahim bengkak la, itu la ini la. Makcik urut also asking about me, sebab dia ingat I dah berjaya pregnant, but my mother told her that I am working and no time (which is not). 

Actually I have another inner conflict lebih besar dari TTC ni. Rasa lebih sakit sebenarnya. Rupanya TTC ni kecil je. Will tell about it next entry, jika rajin. Rasa macam Tuhan tak sayang saya, rasa macam life is not kind to me, rasa macam nak give up dengan hidup and accept je takdir yang sedia ada, rasa macam nak kuburkan je impian apa apa dan hidup humbly tanpa ada apa apa expectation and desire - which is mustahil la kan.., rasa macam impian untuk memiliki zuriat dah tak penting bila ada perkara yang lebih penting consume me inside. Maybe perkara tu tak penting bagi orang lain, tapi penting bagi saya. 



Later!