Only those who are patient shall receive their rewards in full, without reckoning (39:10)
I survived a wedding ceremony. It was my brother wedding day. I frankly quite nervous menghadapi hari tersebut. Because I know I will be asked profusely. Or being compared. Tapi sematkan dalam hati, it is predestined by Allah, I should face it with smile, after all nobody want to see gloomy face. Seize the day because I will get another in-law means a new member of the family. If I make gloomy face to avoid the stupid question, people will think I am jealous. Which is not true. I am not jealous. I just disappointed with my self. Days before, the picture kept playing in my head, on how should I face the world, how should I answer the stupid question, how should I react on unsolicited advice, and how I should potray myself to the world. Mind you, it has been two year I am not going out seeing a lot of people like this, I avoid any reunion or meet up. But, unexpectedly, I invited informally (i.e.ajak ajak ayam) my friends to come to the wedding.
The day has came.
It started when my cousin who has been TTC-ing for two years brought his beautiful newborn daughter. It became the centre of attraction and I noticed a lot that my cousin and his wife kept looking at me just want to check if I saw their newborn with jealousy or just wanted to see how I reacted. It was suffocating, let alone when aunts and uncles, including my mom comparing me with them.
Then came a friend of mine, childhood friend, that I always wrote about her here, with her niqab and oversize black jubah, greet me, alone. She said, "Enti ikut la ana tengok anak-anak ana di kereta, sebab mereka tengah tidur, tapi parking jauh sikit la..marilah.." I rejected, not because I don't want to see her kids but that was in peak hour and I had a lot to do. So I said sorry to her. She insisted. And begging. I rejected for million times, I lost my patience so I kissed and hugged her and said with a very charming voice, "Thank you for coming dear..Will see your kids next time InShaaAllah.." She stunned and disappointed simultaneously. But I decided it was the best way. Because yeah, she parked quite far and I had to leave the ceremony just to see her kids sleeping the car. In my opinion, she should took her kids and introduced them to me. I don't feel guilty at all because first, I already came to her parent's home to see her first newborn, second I already congratulate her when she rang me announcing her second pregnancy and the labour, third, as I mention few times in previous posts about her, she always love to show off to me because I am the only one who entertain her while others ignore her. So that were my justification. p until today, I don't feel guilty about it. Because when I above her in some parts, she suddenly 'busy'.
Then come again another cousin with second newborn. Mother asked me to hold the baby. I said sternly tak nak. Cousin stunned and be silent. Because I was quite busy loading the door gift. Mother then said, "Huh, patut la tak beranak." She then gave the baby to my husband who stand next to me, husband about to give his hands to hold the baby, but I tepis tangan dia husband. I smiled with satisfaction. The family members saw that and they also kept silent. Then we leaved. Again, I don't feel a dot of guilty because I have so much justifications that no need to be written here.
Then I walked in the center of the ceremony to take things, and one of the neighbor who also dressed piously like my friend approached me hastily just to hug me and sarcastically like mak Joyah she said, "Oh kesiannya kau tak ada anak...anak makcik dah nak masuk dua.." So I replied also like mak Joyah sound "oh ya...baru tahu..tahniah.." "Banyak banyak doa la ya.." "InShaaAllah.." (This conversation is full of sarcasm and fake if you can imagine, that the daughter of this makcik witnessed this and showed disgust toward me, because I mimicked her mother. Again, I never feel guilty doing this. She never know that his son yang dah nak masuk dua anak tu is a drug addict. One day if she doing that again, I will explode that secret that can tarnish her reputation as perempuan lindungan sorga.
(My mother on the hand, kept comparing me with people who have kids and thin in front of me like this, "Ha tengok dia ni, dah ada anak pun kurus..", "wah..dah ada satu...dia ni (pointing to me) tak ada lagi.." and many many more..) She may want to degrade me to show her humor to people, but I feel that I have nothing anymore to reserve, my pride, my dignity - all been ripped in just a day.
Another cousin came to me, "Kau kenapa tak beranak lagi..kau tengok la hall depan tu penuh dengan keluarga kita..subur subur semuanya..tak cuba urut ke..biodex ke..."
There were a lot of things but I decided to let it go. I feel if I hold it all, it consumed me and make me a bad person without realizing it.
A day after the wedding, I can still smile but heart is torn. I decided that I can forget it..I read a lot of positive thinking books before the ceremony TBH. Then I came back to my home.
I thought I am strong and the talk of the people not affected me at all. A week after the ceremony, the satan whispered all those things to my mind and heart, that I not woke up from the bed due to depression. Husband not know this, because he thought I was having a fever.
I survived a wedding, and I am very sure I can survive another good news of family addition from fertile womb to come.