Monday, 2 March 2015

I survived a wedding

Only those who are patient shall receive their rewards in full, without reckoning (39:10)

I survived a wedding ceremony. It was my brother wedding day. I frankly quite nervous menghadapi hari tersebut. Because I know I will be asked profusely. Or being compared. Tapi sematkan dalam hati, it is predestined by Allah, I should face it with smile, after all nobody want to see gloomy face. Seize the day because I will get another in-law means a new member of the family. If I make gloomy face to avoid the stupid question, people will think I am jealous. Which is not true. I am not jealous. I just disappointed with my self. Days before, the picture kept playing in my head, on how should I face the world, how should I answer the stupid question, how should I react on unsolicited advice, and how I should potray myself to the world. Mind you, it has been two year I am not going out seeing a lot of people like this, I avoid any reunion or meet up. But, unexpectedly, I invited informally (i.e.ajak ajak ayam) my friends to come to the wedding.

The day has came. 

It started when my cousin who has been TTC-ing for two years brought his beautiful newborn daughter. It became the centre of attraction and I noticed a lot that my cousin and his wife kept looking at me just want to check if I saw their newborn with jealousy or just wanted to see how I reacted. It was suffocating, let alone when aunts and uncles, including my mom comparing me with them. 

Then came a friend of mine, childhood friend, that I always wrote about her here, with her niqab and oversize black jubah, greet me, alone. She said, "Enti ikut la ana tengok anak-anak ana di kereta, sebab mereka tengah tidur, tapi parking jauh sikit la..marilah.." I rejected, not because I don't want to see her kids but that was in peak hour and I had a lot to do. So I said sorry to her. She insisted. And begging.  I rejected for million times, I lost my patience so I kissed and hugged her and said with a very charming voice, "Thank you for coming dear..Will see your kids next time InShaaAllah.." She stunned and disappointed simultaneously. But I decided it was the best way. Because yeah, she parked quite far and I had to leave the ceremony just to see her kids sleeping the car. In my opinion, she should took her kids and introduced them to me. I don't feel guilty at all because first, I already came to her parent's home to see her first newborn, second I already congratulate her when she rang me announcing her second pregnancy and the labour, third, as I mention few times in previous posts about her, she always love to show off to me because I am the only one who entertain her while others ignore her. So that were my justification. p until today, I don't feel guilty about it. Because when I above her in some parts, she suddenly 'busy'.  

Then come again another cousin with second newborn. Mother asked me to hold the baby. I said sternly tak nak. Cousin stunned and be silent. Because I was quite busy loading the door gift. Mother then said, "Huh, patut la tak beranak." She then gave the baby to my husband who stand next to me, husband about to give his hands to hold the baby, but I tepis tangan dia husband. I smiled with satisfaction. The family members saw that and they also kept silent. Then we leaved. Again, I don't feel a dot of guilty because I have so much justifications that no need to be written here.

Then I walked in the center of the ceremony to take things, and one of the neighbor who also dressed piously like my friend approached me hastily just to hug me and sarcastically like mak Joyah she said, "Oh kesiannya kau tak ada anak...anak makcik dah nak masuk dua.." So I replied also like mak Joyah sound "oh ya...baru tahu..tahniah.." "Banyak banyak doa la ya.." "InShaaAllah.." (This conversation is full of sarcasm and fake if you can imagine, that the daughter of this makcik witnessed this and showed disgust toward me, because I mimicked her mother. Again, I never feel guilty doing this. She never know that his son yang dah nak masuk dua anak tu is a drug addict. One day if she doing that again, I will explode that secret that can tarnish her reputation as perempuan lindungan sorga.

(My mother on the hand, kept comparing me with people who have kids and thin in front of me like this, "Ha tengok dia ni, dah ada anak pun kurus..", "wah..dah ada satu...dia ni (pointing to me) tak ada lagi.." and many many more..) She may want to degrade me to show her humor to people, but I feel that I have nothing anymore to reserve, my pride, my dignity - all been ripped in just a day. 

Another cousin came to me, "Kau kenapa tak beranak lagi..kau tengok la hall depan tu penuh dengan keluarga kita..subur subur semuanya..tak cuba urut ke..biodex ke..."

There were a lot of things but I decided to let it go. I feel if I hold it all, it consumed me and make me a bad person without realizing it. 

A day after the wedding, I can still smile but heart is torn. I decided that I can forget it..I read a lot of positive thinking books before the ceremony TBH. Then I came back to my home.

I thought I am strong and the talk of the people not affected me at all. A week after the ceremony, the satan whispered all those things to my mind and heart, that I not woke up from the bed due to depression. Husband not know this, because he thought I was having a fever. 

I survived a wedding, and I am very sure I can survive another good news of family addition from fertile womb to come.


  1. fuhh..... u r strong enough sis... banyak sgt joyah keliling you sis. but actually, wedding cousin/akak/ smua pun mcm ni juga. n i pun mcm u juga.. dah terlalu byk jg hati orang.... but enough is enough. Dia kasi pgg anak, saya letak budak tu. die tanye mcm2, saya jawab mcm2....bukan nk kurang ajar, sudah positif je, diorang yg negatif agaknye.... dah 5 tahun sy tahun ni...n bulan 3 ni bulan cinta..hehehe..adik n abang kawen serentak..for sure ramai sedara mara turun, cousin2 smua dgn babies masing....who caressss?????????? :D take care, Allah knows best!

    1. Saya pun dah 5 tahun..Enough is enough. I don't care at all. Lantaklah jaga hati ke apa ke..

      I hope your community not as bad as mine, and if they do, just brush them off and pray to Allah to give you strength.

      Talking about facing our worst fear..pergh..!!

  2. Ya Allah.. first, i am speechless, kalau i, i tak tau nak buat apa, tinggalkan weding tu kot or just scream at that women yang asyik tanya macam mulut tak ada insuran tu. i'm glad that you survived the wedding. tak fahamlah kenapa masih ada orag yang tak menjaga perasaan.

    sometimes people are so busy kesian to us, sibuk sangat nak suruh tengok anak dia, suruh dukung anak dia konon melekat, suruh jaga and all. happen to me every time, like 'eh kesiannya dia tak ada anak meh aku bagi kau dukung anak aku so that ko tak kempunan sangat dukung baby..' pffffttt...

    i have that feeling every time balik kampung belah suami sebab kakak ipar is so subur sebab asyik dpat baby selang 2 tahun. but thank god tak ada siapa tanya directly. mungkin sebab i ni panas baran kot? even mentua's side pon tahu. so they don't ask.

    but in you case ni, i pulak rasa nak marah membuak-buak ni.

    1. If that so, I should act bad-tempered lady. I think bad-tempered person have another advantage when people don't want to mess with them, I should act like one.

      Like you, I pun tak nak pegang baby yang orang offer. Bila diorang offer dengan kata-kata begitu, I sternly said, "Tak nak" like Kempen Tak Nak to Merokok hahhahah lololol!! And I don't feel any guilt doing that because I have a right to do so. Lantaklah kalau nak cakap, 'no wonder tak beranak' because if I hold the baby pun bukan I beranak pun..

      I wish to learn from you how to act like a bad-tempered lady, for my own sanity

  3. B&C, am so sad reading that those who dressed 'piously' are the one who has the lowest empathy. People often forgot that 'baik' bukan pada pakaian, but themost important is on akhlak.

    Be strong babe. Just imagine how manay pahala we have for facing this. And u know u have us, the TTCian who understands u. Hugs n kissess.... Take care...

    1. Reading is sad..but is even sadder when you have to face the world with this. I pray and hope those experience may atone my sins. I am not have -ve perception towards the 'piously-dressed' people like that, in fact I respect them, but most of the time, those kind of people show the most keji behavior.

      Hugs and kisses

  4. sedihnye baca... saya doa semoga Allah beri rezeki zuriat untuk awak...awak kuat sbb blh brtahan dlm keadaan mcm tu..siap blh berlakon2 lagi.. sbar la ye...


9th Raya and being childfree.

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