Monday, 9 March 2015

Letter to Allah

Dear Allah,


You know I love you.  I love you so much.  You’re the only source of hope and positivity in my life. Allah, I have learned so much about Islam and You and myself because of this incredible pain that you’ve laid on my shoulders to test me.  I used to feel angry at reading about how I’m supposed to be thankful for the tests you give me because I thought that they were too much.  But then I saw what You mean.  I saw how differently and how much more clearly I can see and appreciate my blessings after having gone through this agonizing pain.  And so yes, I am thankful for having gone through it and I am honored that you think highly enough of me to test me with this incredible burden.


But Allah.. Please, take it away now.  I cannot handle this burden anymore.  I do not want to spend my days hoping to be able to cry because my agony is so deep that I can’t even do that anymore.  I don’t want my “good days” to be so empty anymore.


I know, my Lord, that this life is temporary and fleeting and the End is what matters.  I also know that my pain is nothing compared to what millions of others go/have gone through.. nothing compared to the struggles of the blessed Prophets.  But I am weak, my Lord.  I promise, I will try to make you proud.  I know you know how hard I struggle with various things each day.  Of course you know, you are the All-Knowing one.  


But Allah, I need your blessings now.  My Lord, I am honored to be a bearer of your tests but my strength is failing now.  Please lift the burdens before I break.  Please offer me some relief.  Please ease the agonies of my soul.  Please free me of my afflictions.  Please, Lord, grant me some comfort. 


I ask for your forgiveness for being so weak.  And I hope that you will shower me with your Great Mercy, ya Ar-Rahman, even though I may not deserve it. 


O one who loves me more than 70 mothers would, my Lord, dry my tears now.  Heal my soul.  Cure my illnesses.  Ease my bodily pains.  Ease my mental afflictions.  Ease the aching of my shredded heart. Help me fill the holes inside.  Grant me comfort.  Because only You can.  Ameen.



Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Hardship


Hardship should make one grateful for having been saved from that which is greater than the hardship with which he was afflicted. Furthermore, hardship atones for sins. When the slave of Allah gains an appreciation of these facts, he will be thankful. 
-Dr. Aidh al-Qarni in Don't be Sad (pg 296)-




You already knew my hardship. Other than being infertile, I also struggling to get a job. All people said Be patient, because God wants to give you something big that you are made to wait too long. I can absorb that fact, but apparently the close family members are starting whining on when I will be financially independent. For time being, I make correction for my thesis, oh did I tell you that I pass my Viva voce? After the correction, I need to send it to proofread because all the panels said that my English is extremely bad (ah you know it, you read my blog with enormous grammatical errors here and there hahahaha). A paper of mine once rejected by the conference committee due to English although my research is considerably new (as per in reviewers comments). I hope I not waited too long to have senate meeting approval so that I can proceed of searching job in my area, and if not I maybe consider of pursuing PhD. Tengok la dulu macamana. I hope by writing this, I can implant in my mind that I already tell you about it and all those things need to be executed as quickly as possible.

I have a childhood friend, named Tina (not real name). My parents rented a home near them (her parents actually the landlord) and we became the best neighbor they ever had (they said proudly), and that we proudly said that we are relatives. Tina was born on Dec, while I was born on January in the same year. Her mother waited too long and longing for another child. She was born pre-mature, and she always sicks. We are in same age, but looking back our photos together when we were little, it is obvious that she is not growing up healthily. Her brain also affected by her condition which she always scolded by her teachers for being obtuse. She later stay at home babysitting her nieces and nephews, teaches Quran to children and other tasks to get money. She applied jobs but to no avail. In conclusion, she is having a slow brain development. However, in this social media era, we can see that she is trying to adopt the situation. Its pretty annoying at first, with all those cute pseudonym, ugly selfies, annoying status and updates, and she kept contacting me. At first, I was annoyed and wished she not seeing me online. Years gone by, I realized it is because she only imitating her surrounding, she only adopting and adapting the situation around her. She wore make up although it looked grotesque, she wore striking shawls which not suitable with her skins, she pose like a model on grass like muslimah model, and other things as well. I then thought she only try to live normally like other people do, She joined marhaban group. she joined travel group with octogenarians, she joined good activities. I then somehow kinda miss her. Although I don't entertain much of her selfies, I still entertain her when she PM me, or whatsapp me, or liked my photos, or following me through other social medias.

Then I realized, she is pure, her heart is like a 6 year old kid who knows nothing about world drama. She never talked badly about people, she never gossiping, she never hides facts, she never ashamed of talking about her family to me, because she thought I am her bestfriend, I am her childhood friend, I am her BFF till jannah. I started thinking again who she is actually. Maybe she is ahli syurga. That's why God never give her intelligence like we have. 

On my brother wedding, she attended and we talked a little about her condition, her sickness. But all in skedaddle.  We took photo together and she put caption like this, 'my best friend forever'.

Recently, she underwent an operation. I whatsapped her directly and pray her well. It hit me that the operation actually removal of her womb, together with the cyst and fibroid. 

I asked her carefully not to break her heart, she replied sincerely that her womb cannot be saved anymore, because her cyst and fibroid 'eating' the womb, damage the womb, and approaching the urine system of hers. Thus, her womb is removed to save from death. I don't know the exact condition but she wrote that, all has been written by Allah He is the Most Merciful, Allah Maha Mengetahui. I then comfort her and said that the operation is for her betterment, so that she can perform 'ibadah again, and in the Day of Judgement, Allah never asked how much children you have, but Allah counts your good deeds.  I started sharing the tazkirah from other groups to her, and she then talked about life, that Allah wants to test her, and want to see her how she deals with the test. 

My parents visited her. The doctors and the nurses comfort Tina saying that Being fertile is no longer important nowadays, a lot of people with good womb have no children and adopt. Her mother also said the same thing, and my mother also replied, that people with kids also don't feel blessing in life as they sometimes have to go through divorce, being poor and  go through other hardships as well. She then said she is redha with her life. 


I have another friend, she have a son who is now 3 years old. She was pregnant with twins and at 6 months, she felt like she want to deliver the baby. She went to the hospital thought that the twin born premature, but Allah loves them more. The twins are stillborn. After confinement, she came to meet me at my parents home and we never talked about it as I afraid it will trigger her emotion. She looked very well. And some people asked, anak berapa, she replied calmly, baru satu..she never talked about the stillborn twins. 

Hardship comes in different faces. May Allah reward us among the righteous. 



Monday, 2 March 2015

I survived a wedding



Only those who are patient shall receive their rewards in full, without reckoning (39:10)


I survived a wedding ceremony. It was my brother wedding day. I frankly quite nervous menghadapi hari tersebut. Because I know I will be asked profusely. Or being compared. Tapi sematkan dalam hati, it is predestined by Allah, I should face it with smile, after all nobody want to see gloomy face. Seize the day because I will get another in-law means a new member of the family. If I make gloomy face to avoid the stupid question, people will think I am jealous. Which is not true. I am not jealous. I just disappointed with my self. Days before, the picture kept playing in my head, on how should I face the world, how should I answer the stupid question, how should I react on unsolicited advice, and how I should potray myself to the world. Mind you, it has been two year I am not going out seeing a lot of people like this, I avoid any reunion or meet up. But, unexpectedly, I invited informally (i.e.ajak ajak ayam) my friends to come to the wedding.


The day has came. 


It started when my cousin who has been TTC-ing for two years brought his beautiful newborn daughter. It became the centre of attraction and I noticed a lot that my cousin and his wife kept looking at me just want to check if I saw their newborn with jealousy or just wanted to see how I reacted. It was suffocating, let alone when aunts and uncles, including my mom comparing me with them. 

Then came a friend of mine, childhood friend, that I always wrote about her here, with her niqab and oversize black jubah, greet me, alone. She said, "Enti ikut la ana tengok anak-anak ana di kereta, sebab mereka tengah tidur, tapi parking jauh sikit la..marilah.." I rejected, not because I don't want to see her kids but that was in peak hour and I had a lot to do. So I said sorry to her. She insisted. And begging.  I rejected for million times, I lost my patience so I kissed and hugged her and said with a very charming voice, "Thank you for coming dear..Will see your kids next time InShaaAllah.." She stunned and disappointed simultaneously. But I decided it was the best way. Because yeah, she parked quite far and I had to leave the ceremony just to see her kids sleeping the car. In my opinion, she should took her kids and introduced them to me. I don't feel guilty at all because first, I already came to her parent's home to see her first newborn, second I already congratulate her when she rang me announcing her second pregnancy and the labour, third, as I mention few times in previous posts about her, she always love to show off to me because I am the only one who entertain her while others ignore her. So that were my justification. p until today, I don't feel guilty about it. Because when I above her in some parts, she suddenly 'busy'.  

Then come again another cousin with second newborn. Mother asked me to hold the baby. I said sternly tak nak. Cousin stunned and be silent. Because I was quite busy loading the door gift. Mother then said, "Huh, patut la tak beranak." She then gave the baby to my husband who stand next to me, husband about to give his hands to hold the baby, but I tepis tangan dia husband. I smiled with satisfaction. The family members saw that and they also kept silent. Then we leaved. Again, I don't feel a dot of guilty because I have so much justifications that no need to be written here.

Then I walked in the center of the ceremony to take things, and one of the neighbor who also dressed piously like my friend approached me hastily just to hug me and sarcastically like mak Joyah she said, "Oh kesiannya kau tak ada anak...anak makcik dah nak masuk dua.." So I replied also like mak Joyah sound "oh ya...baru tahu..tahniah.." "Banyak banyak doa la ya.." "InShaaAllah.." (This conversation is full of sarcasm and fake if you can imagine, that the daughter of this makcik witnessed this and showed disgust toward me, because I mimicked her mother. Again, I never feel guilty doing this. She never know that his son yang dah nak masuk dua anak tu is a drug addict. One day if she doing that again, I will explode that secret that can tarnish her reputation as perempuan lindungan sorga.

(My mother on the hand, kept comparing me with people who have kids and thin in front of me like this, "Ha tengok dia ni, dah ada anak pun kurus..", "wah..dah ada satu...dia ni (pointing to me) tak ada lagi.." and many many more..) She may want to degrade me to show her humor to people, but I feel that I have nothing anymore to reserve, my pride, my dignity - all been ripped in just a day. 

Another cousin came to me, "Kau kenapa tak beranak lagi..kau tengok la hall depan tu penuh dengan keluarga kita..subur subur semuanya..tak cuba urut ke..biodex ke..."


There were a lot of things but I decided to let it go. I feel if I hold it all, it consumed me and make me a bad person without realizing it. 

A day after the wedding, I can still smile but heart is torn. I decided that I can forget it..I read a lot of positive thinking books before the ceremony TBH. Then I came back to my home.

I thought I am strong and the talk of the people not affected me at all. A week after the ceremony, the satan whispered all those things to my mind and heart, that I not woke up from the bed due to depression. Husband not know this, because he thought I was having a fever. 

I survived a wedding, and I am very sure I can survive another good news of family addition from fertile womb to come.