Tuesday, 22 December 2015

6 years of childfree: Is life revolves around on having child?

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey


  • This month is our anniversary month. We celebrate none. I was busy with job application and chasing the deadline. Husband on the other hand was so busy, and furthermore we don't have a lot of money either. I wrote previous months ago that we have to change our lifestyle. I'm not working and our savings depleted. There are a lot of things need to be changed, but lifestyle is hardest one. Like, I'm questioning why I can no longer do this, and do that, why I can no longer buy this and that. Husband already told me about our anniversary date, at that time I was at parent's home so I don't bother about it much. 
  • Upon reaching the end of the year, I read a lot on year review. On how people did their review on the whole year in one post. I was about to do the same and was about to write that my whole year of this 2015 in two words; boring and misery. However, I realized there are a lot of moments I enjoyed, and should be grateful. There are new clothes that my parents and husband bought for me, new handbags, new shoes, new home decorations, good food and impromptu vacations. It's like I don't have to give any ringgit for all those things, but Allah gave them to me anyway. So it is sinful to not to be grateful. Life has ups and downs. I cannot expect life is all bed of roses. 
  • Been married for  6 years. To be frank, I never thought that my life of 6 years marriage will be like this. Unemployed, penniless, jobless and childless housewife. I was so active and ambitious, always exhausted,  but no one thought that my life will be like this, including me. 6 years is not easy when there is only you two. Most of the times, I only grieving and lamenting on having a decent job so that I can earn money, like I don't care if I have a child or not. Like, I already accept my fate. Like, it's okay to have no child. 
  • But there are times, unexpected times I felt a pang of grief of being childless. I avoid to look the profile photo of Whatsapp or Telegram which most of my friends and acquaintances put their children as profile photo. Most of the time I feel nothing, but there are some unexpected times I feel different, that I feel  that I am not perfect. But I brush off the feeling, that how to take care of a child if I still resenting on job and unstable financially..
  • Sometimes I self-pitying, that is not good at all. I think I find solace in reading books, joining Twitterjaya or donning myself in good dress and makeup. Oh about donning, I'm not losing weight, but apparently my figure is getting better. People said I'm getting thinner, I don't know but most of clothes I cannot wear before, I can wear them now. 
  • I also make clear to myself this year I want to be stable instead of trying-to-conceive. It is because I don't want to get pregnant in the middle of career stabilization or PhD beginning (still contemplating in these two). I used to told this to my family, but they thought I just persuading my heart that my state now is ideal while it is not. I want to argue but seems they keep cutting off my speech when I'm expressing my opinion.
  • I actually want to write a lot, there are a lot of feelings inside. This morning (this entry is auto-publish, I write this yesterday evening) I was a bit emotional for things I don't know (no, I'm not in PMS). It's just happened that I feel something warm, liquidy rolling down on my cheek, and found I'm weeping. But when I want to express it here, I am sort of losing words. Oh why woman always like this?! Hahaha

Yes, yes, Dowager Countess...! I will stop whining..hahahah


Monday, 21 December 2015

Job quest: Being tested, broken but I am okay anyway.

A life without cause is a life without effect. ~Barbarella

Assalamu'alaikum and Hello

  • It has been a long time. Frankly I have a lot to write but it always been a constraint, let it time or internet. Furthermore,  I keep this blog secret from my husband so when he is around, I do not dare to open, I even clear my search history so that he will not find out. He used to find out my entry that I wrote earlier on Word/Text (can't remember), I insisted on him not to read and not to open the file but he is too adamant. He read and he gave comments like my writing is  not good enough. Maybe he just being sarcastic because that entry I talked about his sister-in-law, my biras. That happened years ago but lesson learnt.
  • If you ask me if I am busy, yes I am busy, but still unemployed. I attended my Master convocation (finally, phew!) after all hard years. Mind, that I did my master on part-time basis on fully research. So the journey looked alike PhD journey but in small scale. By the time I bound my thesis, I calculated the pages and compared to others, and looks like I achieved something, more than knowledge, but life lesson. I initially refused to attend convocation as I was so embarrassed I am the oldest one, but decided to attend anyway. I just hope I not bump into anyone I know, for example ; my classmate from secondary school who happened to be a lecturer at the university. Tssskk..
  • However, after I received my transcript which happened to be so simple compared to coursework students (as I did by research), I never knew that my opportunity to apply job become wider. At the time I received my transcript, there are a lot of job openings which have imminent deadlines. I was not rushing much because I already prepared the other documents, and just photocopied my transcript.
  • There also involved of the PhD proposal, I already did one. Last June, after I submitted my hardbound thesis, I was so eager to continue for PhD, so I wrote a proposal which hybrid some of relevant field, i.e. multidisciplinary, which I think easier to secure scholarship. I spent about RM 200 to make passport photos to be attached to application forms, bought ink for printers to print my CV and proposal, bought a lot of Pos Ekspress envelope, bought a rim of A4 papers, and other miscellaneous that happened to consume money that reach about RM 200. I was happy that I eventually able to fill up the form and happy that I am qualified to apply because before this, I applied underrated jobs, which I don't mind actually as long as I get some money. I intend to see in this 3,4 months if I can land a job based from my qualification.
  • I got two interviews from there. I was exuberance. I got a job offer from that, but I am tested again for second time, where they offered me a job with good income but happened to be silent afterwards. I attended the interview with positivism, and found that there are two interviewers, one is from HR and one from academic department. It happened that the HR person is dominating the interview session, sometimes cutting off the question from the academic head. And the HR is sort of cynical toward me, like I want to work there only for short period, and not intend to be serious, like I apply to work there because I am not worth for industry and so on. I told her about my experiences and so forth, but apparently the interview session is like I attending a lecture session, on how to be sincere in teaching and give contribution. One time I exchanging glance with academic head with expression that 'this is not right' but I don't mind anyway. I was asked to go for mock teaching, and sort of likable (by the staff and the students), if I can say so (but I'm very sure of it). Teaching in higher institution is not difficult to me, I have experiences at various institution before I migrated here to Peninsula. 
  • I got a call next morning that I was accepted but with few terms and conditions. At first, the terms and conditions feels so different, I never knew such thing practiced at other institution, but my mother said to try, because eventually it ends my waiting for job. At least I can make some money. And I not decided the rate of my service, the HR decided. Although I felt unease, but when I calculated back the rate, it is quite luxurious to me. Even better for re-joiner of working forces like me. But I still keep it as secret first. The day passed that I still not receive any schedule or email, so I called them back. I said I accept the terms, and HR said they will call me back. Until now it has been two weeks, silence. My father said I cannot do anything about that because I received no black and white, only several calls with HR with me which can be manipulated, considering no witnesses. Husband said the same thing, just let it go, no need to terhegeh-hegeh to show that I am desperate. (Erm, actually I am desperate to earn job and money, haha!). I sometimes kept replaying in my mind of our conversation in calls, to be sure what I heard is true, or if I can misinterpret something, or misheard..But the more I think, the more I am confident that I should knew in the first interview that HR person don't like me for unknown reasons, otherwise she would not lectured me or cynical toward me. I was fool yes, but I never expect this kind of thing happened. I don't know what I did wrong. Luckily I didn't tell my parents-in-law, otherwise they will questioned me like I am the wrong one. 
  • As I wrote before, this is my second time I deal with this. The first time happened on last July, which I don't know if it is appropriate to me to write it here. Basically I got a job that can pay me just OK but I don't mind. The project should started in the middle of last August, the fund for project is also granted, means there is no such thing as bidding the fund. I waited, and sort of preparing myself to move to work, bring some clothes to my parent's home, took some numbers to rent a room there, prepared some stationery and waited for the call. Months went by and I just knew early in this month that the proposal of the project is stucked at one of the prominent scholars in the area, who actually somewhere in Middle East. I actually trying to convinced myself for months that maybe the research team don't need me as my salary will be a bit expensive compared to degree holder, and the money they can spend on the overseas travel grant. I thought the project is already begun and they hired someone else, so I made no fuss. I just being redha and convince myself maybe the rezeki is not yet. 
  • My parents was quite sad and grief over my fate and rezeki. They are the parents so they sort of know my struggles and miseries even though I never lament about it. I just don't want them to see me as fragile and burden. Furthermore, I can see that they sort of giving attention to my sister in law with the hope she get pregnant. My husband on the other hand, I don't know what is his feeling, but I can assure he just get used to see me in home as housewife so he can never understand my struggles, my miseries, my unlucky fate and my tears. I tried to connect emotionally with him but I just can't. Yes, I underestimate him to understand my feeling. I don't know why but there are things beyond emotion and expression that I think he is not emotionally connected with me. 
  • I learned a thing from this thing -- that whatever job calls, or offerings, must be accompanied by black and white. I admit I relied on their sayings, because I think that's how it works nowadays. Three years without going out for work make me noticed there are so much changes in working culture nowadays, and I tried to adapt. But it took its toll on me. I learned so much from this. 
  • I am okay right now, when things happened again, it's like I'm immune and that thing not hit me hard like it used to. There are things beyond my knowledge and everyone knowledge why this is happening and why things happen for reasons we cannot create. Some people are just quick to judge me like, "Do you pray?", or "Are you donating or giving charity?", or "Do you perform solat Tahajud every night / solat Dhuha every morning?" or "What about asking forgiveness to your parents?" or any other questions that always relating to my deeds. I'm not brushing you off with all spiritual suggestions, I read every comments, I swallow them and I keep them into my mind and heart, but you should know before you suggest, I am far already know that, but to write my good deeds, and to tell people about it in my blog, or to tell people that I already did all those things, is not my style and not my preference. It's not only you, my closest family, friends, and neighbors did too. I was judged as 'lack of connection with God' hence I was tested this way. I understand that most of us are trying to be helpful, and we always want our friend and family to be better, and thus we always provide any best solutions. I also sometimes did it too. But as people tested like this, I am now quite mature to handle the grieving from others. Like I realized that most people are just wanted to be listened, to be calmed, to be motivated, not to be judged. Being judged is adding salt to our wound. 
  • If you ask me if I am okay now, I am really okay, because I am busy with other things. This thing may not earn me money but may beautify my resume. I will do anything to get a decent job. This things not break me up, rather I will put any extra effort. I am quite grateful that I am busy this way, otherwise I will go into depression state like months ago. (will tell you this later). I believe Allah has provide me a place for me to have a purpose, to contribute,  but I have to search it until I found one.
  • I may give you impression that my life is full of miseries. Wrong. If I give you impression as so, I may be sinful, because it indicate that I am not grateful for other blessings. I tend to write better when I feeling sad, and when I happy, I will write in my other blog. But I am not good in being consistent. I almost forgot my password. And sometimes I also don't feel right to expose my life even for 2 or 3 percents. While most of you write good and happy things, I write on depression things which sometimes sound like a wet blanket. So instead of being a joy killer, sometimes I give up. I also sort of feel that if I want to write on happy things or my achievement, people will know me. I want to stay anonymous. Because? Next point.
  • I want to stay anonymous in this blog because I talked badly about my sisters in laws my biras and some family members. I think talk about other people showing a small mind I have, and talking about family make me look like a bad person. After all, in this era, everything want to go viral even for smallest unimportant thing that most of the bloggers decided to leave blog. When I read your blog on travelling or masak-masak, I also want to do the same but yeah, I am a bad person who have evil thoughts to my sister in laws and birasses or other family members and write about it. How immature.. I actually find some times to delete or to revert to draft on my bad entry, like when I have evil thoughts of persons or things that shows my bad side. I want to do it because I afraid that it will contribute to the bad weight on al-mizan in the Day of Judgement. I admit that I want to delete this blog because TTC is no longer my main priorities. Like what should I write when I do not do anything about it. Or do I have to talk my miseries on being childless all the time? No. But somehow, I found there are numerous blogs on infertility that still write anything in between of their life. One of the links I put in this blog wrote about her life for 17 years after her stillbirth of her daughter. Means, life is not only revolves around getting pregnant just to make it normal. So I decided to keep this blog on banal updates on my life.
  • This post is too long. Will continue later.

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

Why Allah Bless Some With Children and Others Not?

"Allah knows what every female bears, and that of which the wombs fall short of completion and that in which they increase; and there is a measure with Him of everything" 
(ar-Ra'du: 8)

I came across some articles on the issues of infertility in the perspective of Islam. However, some of the articles sounds condescending to the childfree couple. For example, I read some of commentators are disagree with the connotation that infertility is (maybe) the punishment from Allah and the childless couple should ask forgiveness from Allah. They argued that it is Allah's wisdom, and Allah is The Most Forgiving. 

I think some of us were also facing this, that we are not blessed with child because we have too much sins and our sins may not be forgiven. Forgive them, anyways. It's not that I disagree I have sins, it just offends me on the perception of the infertility.

This is one of the good tazkirahs (reminder) for the childfree couple.  I found  this via The Seekers Hub, the portals which I subscribe to participate in their various courses every semester free of charge. The tazkirah can be downloaded and you can ask the teaching assistant and the syakhs if there is ambiguity arises in the forum. The downloaded tazkirah can be listened anytime. 

This tazkirah is only 10 minutes but I wish I can share it and it go viral, so that it can be a reminder for us all that life is a test, be it with child or no child. I segregate the tazkirah into two sections:

First: Syakh Ahmad Saad al-Azhari talks about the wisdom on having a child or not having child. It is very good explanation I guess, compact but not sounds condescending at all.

Second: He discussed the wisdom of the verses on the supplication for child. We should ask for trust bearer rather than simply a child. He said that everything we ask, we ask with purpose or carrier. This is reflected by the supplication of the Prophet Zakariah AS. 

Friday, 4 September 2015

Excerpt from book: The Power of Your Subconscious Mind - 1

Wear gratitude like a cloak and it will feed every corner of your life. 

Last few weeks, I bought this book to kill my negative thoughts and vibrations in my body. Too depress to go out. The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy (PhD). Berharga RM37.50. So far, I reach about 1/3 of the book. Banyak tips tips and explanation, but basically it is the tips on how to change our mindset to the positive one, so it becomes a new pattern and subsequently lead to a happy life in every aspects of life. Below is the excerpts I found good for us the childfree couple and also to everyone I think:

Credit: link


  1. Be a mental engineer and use tried and proven techniques in building a grander and greater life
  2. Your desire is your prayer. Picture the fulfillment of your desire now and feel its reality, and you will experience the joy of the answered prayer.
  3. Desire to accomplish things the easy way - with the sure aid of mental science
  4. You can build your radiant health, success and happiness by the thoughts you think in the hidden studio of your mind
  5. Experiment scientifically until you personally prove that there is always a direct response from the Infinite Intelligence of your subconscious mind to your conscious thinking 
  6. Feel the joy and restfulness in foreseeing the certain accomplishment of your desire. Any mental picture you have in your mind is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen
  7. A mental picture is worth a thousand words. Your subconscious will bring to pass any picture held in the mind backed by faith
  8. Avoid all effort of mental coercion in prayer. Get into a sleepy, drowsy state and lull yourself to sleep feeling and knowing your prayer is answered
  9. Remember that thankful heart is always close to the riches of the universe
  10. To affirm is to state that it is so, and as you maintain this attitude of mind as true, regardless of all evidence to the contrary, you will receive an answer to your prayer
  11. Generate waves of harmony, health and peace by thinking of the love and the glory of God
  12. What you decree and feel as true will come to pass. Decree harmony, health, peace and abundance.
(page 110-112)

Berkenaan Infinite Intelligence, ada sesetengah buku write as The Universe, ada juga The Infinite Power, and actually I wondered if this technique is Islam compliant and if it can be practiced by Muslim. The non-Muslim considered the highest power as Infinite Intelligence and The Universe, tapi kita sebagai Muslim, the highest power adalah dari Allah. So most of the teaching and tips in the book are actually very close-related with the teaching of Islam and Sunnah from Prophet Muhammad PBUH. In fact, the positive thinking actually adalah cabang konsep dari bersangka baik dengan Allah. 

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Being Childless or Jobless: Which one is more painful?

There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. 
~Author Unknown

Last week I wrote something emotional. Thank you all friends who took time to leave your comments, I highly appreciate that.

I'm struggling to find a decent job. It has been two and a half years I've been actively seeking job. Dah hantar resume to so many organisations, and I also joined some seminars and workshop, and also wrote articles for publication and joined conferences -- to beautify my resume. Masih lagi tak berjaya. Interview pun tak banyak., dalam 4 je. Ada satu tempat tu, called me twice -- I went there twice but to no avail. I habis wrote my thesis at at the end of 2013, (campur correction, campur submission, tunggu examiner, tunggu viva, correction lagi, pastu submit untuk formation, pastu cari co-supervisor yang sarat tunggu hari untuk beranak, bla bla bla ) the process of graduation is so slow that until today I still waiting for the senate meeting confirmation. 

Lama gilaaaaaaaaaaaa...kan? (eh ada 'kan' kat hujung ayat sebab pancing validation dari kawan-kawan..hahahaha kesian pada diri sendiri) 

Countless times I rang, I emailed, and I contacted the postgraduate centre to expedite the process, tapi nampaknya rezeki tidak berpihak kepada saya. Bila dah settle, minta surat tamat belajar pun tak dapat, sebab alasannya mereka tetap tunggu mesyuarat senat. 

In the meantime, pantang ada jawatan kosong, I applied. Yang tak ada jawatan kosong pun I hantar resume, kadang-kadang ada juga tempat I mintak 2-3 kali. Sebab I pernah dapat offer satu tempat tu lepas isi 5 kali borang online. Banyak juga yang dah hantar, nampak macam mudah dapat, sebab semua syarat I can fulfill, but still rezeki not on my side.

In the meantime juga, orag sekeliling I boleh dikatakan semuanya moving fast forward. Beli new car. Beli rumah. Beli assets. Tambah anak. Tukar tempat kerja for better pay. Naik pangkat. Buat part time business untuk tambah income. Bab tambah anak tu memang I tak ada la, tapi bab lain tu sungguh ketinggalan. 

This time, mak ayah I dan mak ayah mertua dah mula bising. Ayah mertua siap sindir konon beliau dah pergi Haji dah doa depan Ka'abah, dia macam nak tuduh I yang tak active cari kerja. Tapi I diam je la sebab malas nak ambil port sangat orang tua-tua punya mulut. Not only that, my supervisor pun suruh I cari kerja, beliau kata ekonomi Malaysia tak bagus, mesti secure job. Mesti kerja. Dia kata dia boleh terima I untuk PhD bawah dia tapi dia nak I secure job untuk masa depan I. Dia ingat I tak nak migrate, tapi  I am ready to migrate for my career development sebenarnya. Initially husband tak bagi, but one day when I bring up the past (I know it is dosa) dia terpaksa giving in.

Bila dah 2 tahun setengah cari kerja tak dapat kerja, inner pain tu lebih sakit dari tak ada anak. 

Tahu apa yang berubah? Banyak dah berubah. 
Muka I semakin kusam, sebab dulu mampu beli kosmetik bagus dan pemakanan sihat.
Makanan pun I tak mampu nak beli yang berkhasiat seperti dulu. Dulu mampu beli groceries beratus, yang bagus yang terbaik, vitamin tambahan, dan lain-lain.
Travel- apatah lagi. Yang ada pun tumpang mak ayah kami je.
Astro - pun tak mampu
Fine dining - kena tunggu extra money dari husband yang buat part-time job
Beli baju, tudung, kasut dan handbag baru - Tak mampu juga. I beli yang murah murah je. Tapi Allah rezekikan I banyak kat sini. 
Tengok wayang - hm..jarang, tapi ada la sekali sekali.
Kereta dari dua dah jadi 1. My car pula adik dah pakai, kebetulan ayah yang settle the loan, so I tak boleh claim kereta tu I punya, sebab memang ayah yang belikan untuk I pun masa belajar. 
Fertility treatment - lagi laaa tak mampu.

Mujur ada internet....God bless internet..phewwwww!!
Kurang sikit kebosanan duduk rumah. 
I starting to feel bored with the housechores. Ada juga gardening buat mini lawn tapi semua tu jadi satu kebosanan bila kita dah biasa hidup aktif dan bergerak dengan matlamat yang kita simpan dalam diri kita yang kita seorang je yang tahu, suddenly kena tukar rutin. Naik gila rasanya and someday I just being a whiny and a jerk. 

Penyesalan pun dah tak berguna. Menyesal sebab dulu berhenti kerja ikut husband and now I am just penniless housewife. 

Sedara mara dah mula berteka teki pasal kehidupan I. Berteka teki tu tak apa, yang jadi sakit hati bila ada sindir menyindir. 
"Belajar tinggi-tinggi tak ada kerja juga"
"Belajar sampai Master tapi tak kerja buat apa"
"Alah tak heran budak universiti belajar tinggi ni. Kereta aku installment bulanan pun sama dengan gaji diorang"
"Aku tak payah masuk universiti belajar tinggi pun, rumah aku besar juga"
Selalunya memang I tak layan lah, tapi sakit hati tu tak tahu nak cakap.

Not only that, bila jumpa orang baru dikenali - baru berkenalan, orang akan tanya what we do. Bila cakap tak kerja, terus tak nak borak or worse pandang rendah. Tapi tak apa lah.
Bila jumpa kawan-kawan, lagi laaaahh..and kebetulan most of my friend pun cakap lepas je, like 'tak nak cari kerja ke', 'buat la kek ke biskut ke jual kat orang', 'jaga anak orang pun lumayan', etc..

Bila I baca orang tulis kat Facebook or blog pasal bos itu la ini lah, kerja banyak la, I think itu cuma keluhan di tengah bulan je.. Sebab bila at the end of the month, semua keluhan tu tak ada pun. Tapi kalau ada isu melibatkan whistleblowing atau slandering, atau dengki hingga membawa ke luar waktu bekerja - itu kena jaga jaga dan berhati hati. 

And don't give me suggestion on buat business online lah, itu la ini lah sebab I don't write all constraint here. And I did almost all. 

And to tell to other people pun susah. Rata-rata perception orang termasuk ahli keluarga sendiri, mereka akan rasa kita yang tak cukup berusaha, tak cukup berdoa, tak cukup bersedekah, memilih kerja, dll. 

Baru-baru ni saya cuba mohon scholarship PhD. Dah ada supervisor, dah ada tajuk dah siap semuanya, tiba-tiba scholarship untuk PhD tak ada (kecuali slab/slai) disebabkan keadaan negara kita yang tak berapa stabil. Oh, no need to give suggestion on MyBrain or such sebab semua tu saya dah tahu. Apa yang I cuba buat sekarang adalah apply foreign government punya scholarship. Sengit tak sengit saingan tu belakang kira sebab yang penting I berusaha dan tak menyesal di kemudian hari. Penyesalan adalah satu perasaan paling menyakitkan. Jika anda semua ada kestabilan kewangan, buatlah fertility treatment yang ada dan penuhi impian anda. Supaya one day bila semua ni dah berlalu, no regret anymore.

In the meantimes also, puas saya sibukkan diri dengan activity lain, baca buku self-motivation, macam macam lah. Tapi nak kata teringin gila-gila nak ada anak tu memang tak ada perasaan macam tu lah. Sebab I don't equate child with happiness. 

See..orang tak kerja lagi susah dari orang tak ada anak. 

Agaknya inilah yang dikatakan sebagai gagal dalam kehidupan kan? 

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Coming back here

Assalamua'laikum and Hello!

Lamanyaaaaaa tak menulis di sini. I am so sorry because I have other things to do. 

And I still living childfree.. !

I thought of writing here in Ramadan and ask your forgiveness yada yada yada, or told you my experience in our 6th Raya as childfree couple. Pun tak sempat. 

For the record this Raya is the blessed one because no one asking me about getting pregnant or making stupid statements. I know they making assumptions and talked behind my back , with all sympathy and telling my mother to suggest to me to adopt.

Now, people not suggesting for me of getting pregnant, rather they suggesting for adoption.
Macam la adoption is so easy kan..? Mudahnya cakap.. Tapi I tak kisah pun actually. Sebab I rather dengar pasal adoption daripada sebut pasal hal dalam kain I and husband. Or sebut pasal I banyak dosa ke or kena tambahkan doa dan pergi Mekah. Mudahnya cakap..

I rasa sunyi je group TTC ni, either in blog or Facebook. Most of the otai dah beranak and tambah anak, so yang ada ada ni terkapai kapai rasa ketinggalan pun ada. But what to do, dah memang takdirnya demikian. I baca ramai juga yang dah berjaya ambil anak angkat. Mudah rezeki kalian, tahniah. Moga jadi ladang pahala untuk Hari Pengadilan kelak. 

Kalau nak update pasal TTC, memang tiada. Zilch. My mother and some of kawan-kawan mak, termasuk yang living childfree sampai tua - suggest I untuk stop berurut. Some of them kata takut keradangan, ada yang kata takut rahim bengkak la, itu la ini la. Makcik urut also asking about me, sebab dia ingat I dah berjaya pregnant, but my mother told her that I am working and no time (which is not). 

Actually I have another inner conflict lebih besar dari TTC ni. Rasa lebih sakit sebenarnya. Rupanya TTC ni kecil je. Will tell about it next entry, jika rajin. Rasa macam Tuhan tak sayang saya, rasa macam life is not kind to me, rasa macam nak give up dengan hidup and accept je takdir yang sedia ada, rasa macam nak kuburkan je impian apa apa dan hidup humbly tanpa ada apa apa expectation and desire - which is mustahil la kan.., rasa macam impian untuk memiliki zuriat dah tak penting bila ada perkara yang lebih penting consume me inside. Maybe perkara tu tak penting bagi orang lain, tapi penting bagi saya. 


Monday, 9 March 2015

Letter to Allah

Dear Allah,

You know I love you.  I love you so much.  You’re the only source of hope and positivity in my life. Allah, I have learned so much about Islam and You and myself because of this incredible pain that you’ve laid on my shoulders to test me.  I used to feel angry at reading about how I’m supposed to be thankful for the tests you give me because I thought that they were too much.  But then I saw what You mean.  I saw how differently and how much more clearly I can see and appreciate my blessings after having gone through this agonizing pain.  And so yes, I am thankful for having gone through it and I am honored that you think highly enough of me to test me with this incredible burden.

But Allah.. Please, take it away now.  I cannot handle this burden anymore.  I do not want to spend my days hoping to be able to cry because my agony is so deep that I can’t even do that anymore.  I don’t want my “good days” to be so empty anymore.

I know, my Lord, that this life is temporary and fleeting and the End is what matters.  I also know that my pain is nothing compared to what millions of others go/have gone through.. nothing compared to the struggles of the blessed Prophets.  But I am weak, my Lord.  I promise, I will try to make you proud.  I know you know how hard I struggle with various things each day.  Of course you know, you are the All-Knowing one.  

But Allah, I need your blessings now.  My Lord, I am honored to be a bearer of your tests but my strength is failing now.  Please lift the burdens before I break.  Please offer me some relief.  Please ease the agonies of my soul.  Please free me of my afflictions.  Please, Lord, grant me some comfort. 

I ask for your forgiveness for being so weak.  And I hope that you will shower me with your Great Mercy, ya Ar-Rahman, even though I may not deserve it. 

O one who loves me more than 70 mothers would, my Lord, dry my tears now.  Heal my soul.  Cure my illnesses.  Ease my bodily pains.  Ease my mental afflictions.  Ease the aching of my shredded heart. Help me fill the holes inside.  Grant me comfort.  Because only You can.  Ameen.

Tuesday, 3 March 2015


Hardship should make one grateful for having been saved from that which is greater than the hardship with which he was afflicted. Furthermore, hardship atones for sins. When the slave of Allah gains an appreciation of these facts, he will be thankful. 
-Dr. Aidh al-Qarni in Don't be Sad (pg 296)-

You already knew my hardship. Other than being infertile, I also struggling to get a job. All people said Be patient, because God wants to give you something big that you are made to wait too long. I can absorb that fact, but apparently the close family members are starting whining on when I will be financially independent. For time being, I make correction for my thesis, oh did I tell you that I pass my Viva voce? After the correction, I need to send it to proofread because all the panels said that my English is extremely bad (ah you know it, you read my blog with enormous grammatical errors here and there hahahaha). A paper of mine once rejected by the conference committee due to English although my research is considerably new (as per in reviewers comments). I hope I not waited too long to have senate meeting approval so that I can proceed of searching job in my area, and if not I maybe consider of pursuing PhD. Tengok la dulu macamana. I hope by writing this, I can implant in my mind that I already tell you about it and all those things need to be executed as quickly as possible.

I have a childhood friend, named Tina (not real name). My parents rented a home near them (her parents actually the landlord) and we became the best neighbor they ever had (they said proudly), and that we proudly said that we are relatives. Tina was born on Dec, while I was born on January in the same year. Her mother waited too long and longing for another child. She was born pre-mature, and she always sicks. We are in same age, but looking back our photos together when we were little, it is obvious that she is not growing up healthily. Her brain also affected by her condition which she always scolded by her teachers for being obtuse. She later stay at home babysitting her nieces and nephews, teaches Quran to children and other tasks to get money. She applied jobs but to no avail. In conclusion, she is having a slow brain development. However, in this social media era, we can see that she is trying to adopt the situation. Its pretty annoying at first, with all those cute pseudonym, ugly selfies, annoying status and updates, and she kept contacting me. At first, I was annoyed and wished she not seeing me online. Years gone by, I realized it is because she only imitating her surrounding, she only adopting and adapting the situation around her. She wore make up although it looked grotesque, she wore striking shawls which not suitable with her skins, she pose like a model on grass like muslimah model, and other things as well. I then thought she only try to live normally like other people do, She joined marhaban group. she joined travel group with octogenarians, she joined good activities. I then somehow kinda miss her. Although I don't entertain much of her selfies, I still entertain her when she PM me, or whatsapp me, or liked my photos, or following me through other social medias.

Then I realized, she is pure, her heart is like a 6 year old kid who knows nothing about world drama. She never talked badly about people, she never gossiping, she never hides facts, she never ashamed of talking about her family to me, because she thought I am her bestfriend, I am her childhood friend, I am her BFF till jannah. I started thinking again who she is actually. Maybe she is ahli syurga. That's why God never give her intelligence like we have. 

On my brother wedding, she attended and we talked a little about her condition, her sickness. But all in skedaddle.  We took photo together and she put caption like this, 'my best friend forever'.

Recently, she underwent an operation. I whatsapped her directly and pray her well. It hit me that the operation actually removal of her womb, together with the cyst and fibroid. 

I asked her carefully not to break her heart, she replied sincerely that her womb cannot be saved anymore, because her cyst and fibroid 'eating' the womb, damage the womb, and approaching the urine system of hers. Thus, her womb is removed to save from death. I don't know the exact condition but she wrote that, all has been written by Allah He is the Most Merciful, Allah Maha Mengetahui. I then comfort her and said that the operation is for her betterment, so that she can perform 'ibadah again, and in the Day of Judgement, Allah never asked how much children you have, but Allah counts your good deeds.  I started sharing the tazkirah from other groups to her, and she then talked about life, that Allah wants to test her, and want to see her how she deals with the test. 

My parents visited her. The doctors and the nurses comfort Tina saying that Being fertile is no longer important nowadays, a lot of people with good womb have no children and adopt. Her mother also said the same thing, and my mother also replied, that people with kids also don't feel blessing in life as they sometimes have to go through divorce, being poor and  go through other hardships as well. She then said she is redha with her life. 

I have another friend, she have a son who is now 3 years old. She was pregnant with twins and at 6 months, she felt like she want to deliver the baby. She went to the hospital thought that the twin born premature, but Allah loves them more. The twins are stillborn. After confinement, she came to meet me at my parents home and we never talked about it as I afraid it will trigger her emotion. She looked very well. And some people asked, anak berapa, she replied calmly, baru satu..she never talked about the stillborn twins. 

Hardship comes in different faces. May Allah reward us among the righteous. 

Monday, 2 March 2015

I survived a wedding

Only those who are patient shall receive their rewards in full, without reckoning (39:10)

I survived a wedding ceremony. It was my brother wedding day. I frankly quite nervous menghadapi hari tersebut. Because I know I will be asked profusely. Or being compared. Tapi sematkan dalam hati, it is predestined by Allah, I should face it with smile, after all nobody want to see gloomy face. Seize the day because I will get another in-law means a new member of the family. If I make gloomy face to avoid the stupid question, people will think I am jealous. Which is not true. I am not jealous. I just disappointed with my self. Days before, the picture kept playing in my head, on how should I face the world, how should I answer the stupid question, how should I react on unsolicited advice, and how I should potray myself to the world. Mind you, it has been two year I am not going out seeing a lot of people like this, I avoid any reunion or meet up. But, unexpectedly, I invited informally (i.e.ajak ajak ayam) my friends to come to the wedding.

The day has came. 

It started when my cousin who has been TTC-ing for two years brought his beautiful newborn daughter. It became the centre of attraction and I noticed a lot that my cousin and his wife kept looking at me just want to check if I saw their newborn with jealousy or just wanted to see how I reacted. It was suffocating, let alone when aunts and uncles, including my mom comparing me with them. 

Then came a friend of mine, childhood friend, that I always wrote about her here, with her niqab and oversize black jubah, greet me, alone. She said, "Enti ikut la ana tengok anak-anak ana di kereta, sebab mereka tengah tidur, tapi parking jauh sikit la..marilah.." I rejected, not because I don't want to see her kids but that was in peak hour and I had a lot to do. So I said sorry to her. She insisted. And begging.  I rejected for million times, I lost my patience so I kissed and hugged her and said with a very charming voice, "Thank you for coming dear..Will see your kids next time InShaaAllah.." She stunned and disappointed simultaneously. But I decided it was the best way. Because yeah, she parked quite far and I had to leave the ceremony just to see her kids sleeping the car. In my opinion, she should took her kids and introduced them to me. I don't feel guilty at all because first, I already came to her parent's home to see her first newborn, second I already congratulate her when she rang me announcing her second pregnancy and the labour, third, as I mention few times in previous posts about her, she always love to show off to me because I am the only one who entertain her while others ignore her. So that were my justification. p until today, I don't feel guilty about it. Because when I above her in some parts, she suddenly 'busy'.  

Then come again another cousin with second newborn. Mother asked me to hold the baby. I said sternly tak nak. Cousin stunned and be silent. Because I was quite busy loading the door gift. Mother then said, "Huh, patut la tak beranak." She then gave the baby to my husband who stand next to me, husband about to give his hands to hold the baby, but I tepis tangan dia husband. I smiled with satisfaction. The family members saw that and they also kept silent. Then we leaved. Again, I don't feel a dot of guilty because I have so much justifications that no need to be written here.

Then I walked in the center of the ceremony to take things, and one of the neighbor who also dressed piously like my friend approached me hastily just to hug me and sarcastically like mak Joyah she said, "Oh kesiannya kau tak ada anak...anak makcik dah nak masuk dua.." So I replied also like mak Joyah sound "oh ya...baru tahu..tahniah.." "Banyak banyak doa la ya.." "InShaaAllah.." (This conversation is full of sarcasm and fake if you can imagine, that the daughter of this makcik witnessed this and showed disgust toward me, because I mimicked her mother. Again, I never feel guilty doing this. She never know that his son yang dah nak masuk dua anak tu is a drug addict. One day if she doing that again, I will explode that secret that can tarnish her reputation as perempuan lindungan sorga.

(My mother on the hand, kept comparing me with people who have kids and thin in front of me like this, "Ha tengok dia ni, dah ada anak pun kurus..", "wah..dah ada satu...dia ni (pointing to me) tak ada lagi.." and many many more..) She may want to degrade me to show her humor to people, but I feel that I have nothing anymore to reserve, my pride, my dignity - all been ripped in just a day. 

Another cousin came to me, "Kau kenapa tak beranak lagi..kau tengok la hall depan tu penuh dengan keluarga kita..subur subur semuanya..tak cuba urut ke..biodex ke..."

There were a lot of things but I decided to let it go. I feel if I hold it all, it consumed me and make me a bad person without realizing it. 

A day after the wedding, I can still smile but heart is torn. I decided that I can forget it..I read a lot of positive thinking books before the ceremony TBH. Then I came back to my home.

I thought I am strong and the talk of the people not affected me at all. A week after the ceremony, the satan whispered all those things to my mind and heart, that I not woke up from the bed due to depression. Husband not know this, because he thought I was having a fever. 

I survived a wedding, and I am very sure I can survive another good news of family addition from fertile womb to come.

Monday, 16 February 2015

Bukan kita sahaja yang sedih bila diperbandingkan

Comparison is the thief of joy - Anonymous

Sorry for the hibernation.. I don't have much to tell nor do any treatment. Ada tak rakan rakan di sini yang menonton Galaksi TV9 pada Jumaat lepas? 

I am not a fan of this gossip shows on TV because the reporters are rude and insensitive, and asking stupid questions. Not to mention, their coverage is outdated compared to gossip blogs online. But that night, tertengok. So ada one reporter asking pelakon Syanie (betul ke ejaannya ni?) on her plan of opening restaurants overseas, so Syanie jawab la beliau ada perancangan, cuma masih belum dilaksanakan, yada yada, yada. Then the reporter tanya pasal perancangan menambah ahli keluarga, so Syanie jawab (lebih kurang begini la, not the exact words) dia memang nak anak, cuma belum direzekikan lagi. Beliau juga cakap yang suaminya ada dua orang anak melalui perkahwinan terdahulu so dia anggap anak suami dia as anak sendiri. But still reporter tak puas hati, mula bandingkan Syanie dengan Che Ta (siap tunjuk footage gambar anak Che Ta pada audience, bukan pada Syanie). Reporter tanya, Che Ta dah dapat anak , Syanie macamana (lebih kurang ayat macam ni la). So Syanie jawab lagi, Kita kena faham yang Che Ta pernah melahirkan anak dan sebab tu dia mudah direzekikan anak, macam saya ni saya tak pernah melahirkan anak so saya tak tahu tahap kesuburan saya macam mana, tapi kami berdoa dan berusaha supaya satu hari nanti kami akan dapat anak, semuanya bergantung kepada rezeki, kalau Allah kata ada, ada la, kalau memang tidak ditakdirkan saya mempunyai anak, saya terpaksa redha (masa ni Syanie gosok dua-dua belah tangan kat mata dia sambil cakap "ala sedihnya" sambil sengih -- dan perlakuan Syanie ni Calaksi TV9 repeat tiga kali). Seterusnya memang Syanie menangis lepas tu.  

Lepas tu iklan.

Bangga sangat kan dapat menumpahkan air mata orang lain? 




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