Gloomy post in gloomy day
Don't be saddened by what you see
Its true life has its miseries
But one thing always worked for me
Worry ends when faith begin
- Worry Ends by Sami Yusuf-
Blogging is not a cool thing anymore kan? Bagus juga. I am somehow feel slightly relieved with the fact because it means I can pour pieces of melancholic emotion I have inside me. Well, nobody want to read the negative vibes kan, so elok juga la nobody read this blog. I always want to delete the negative stories I wrote here because I think it do nothing to the progress of trying to conceive, but of course I blame my broadband for that. Iols tak de streamyx/unifi, so kesian sikit la tang itu. Furthermore, I feel that people who read the blog surely feel that I am stagnant and not moving, while the truth is, yes I am not moving. Maybe one day when the broadband is cooperative, I will revert them to draft so that one day when I experience motherhood and feel proud of it, I will read my own gloomy post in gloomy days, to remind me that life is ridiculously crazy and I should be humble.
In addittional note, the blog not contribute to anything in the TTC world, other than ranting and babbling of woman who is stationary. It's so long time I'm not going to the gynae although people keep asking me do that. I said I already had. Which is true. This only shut them temporary. I know that persistent in putting effort is vital, but I have a lot of constraints (maybe people see it as reasons for not being determined) that I should not saying it loud.
It also obvious that most of the TTC friends links I had already moving. Somehow I feel so lonely. Yeah, it was the times that we achieved solidarity by supporting each other, we shared all the tips and 'petua' from other survivors, sometimes we bashed and accused of the relatives/friends who is inconsiderate or broken the hearts of our friends, while we know very well it is so hard to gather and rebuild our strength to face the world. For example, I used to write about a friend who said to me when we taking photos with her children "Tangkap gambar banyak2 bang, bagi dia jeles sebab dia tak ada anak" more or less like this, suddenly out of the blue emailed me days before. She maybe one of the inconsiderate breeders that I loathe so much that I decided to make distance from her. Well, as anticipated, she emailed me to ask if I have kids or not.
Anyhow, life is beautiful. Life is full of diversity. I know most of people when I said lazily "It's okay if I don't have kids", all of them, ALL of them will say something like "Nauzubillah" or "Selisih malaikat 44" or "Isssh,jangan sebut macam tu.." or more rude "sebut-sebut tu nak sangat ke tak ada anak?" or less rude "alah nanti ada la tu, sabar je la, doa banyak-banyak". But when I mentioned that my own aunt live childfree, they shut. Or maybe I should say/ask "Most of Rasulullahs' wives also not bearing child, do you think it is a bad thing?".
I noticed some friends who made distanced of me when I was in glory days i.e. I achieved far more than them, they coming back with pretentious concern on asking how am doing in life, while in the same time they parading in snobbiness of their kids toward me. Well, I entertained them half heartly because when I used approached them before, they ran from me with illogical reasons. I entertained them by the way, not to show I am a good person, but to fight the evil inside me. They maybe want to show off to me that they are the winner but I affirm myself it maybe satan whispers on me to cut the silaturrahmi. I do not run away like they did, but also I do not make it obvious that I don't like their pretentious concern. The truth is they deserve to show off to me, because yes they are bestowed with eveything while I am here struggling with eveything, not just infertility.
I cannot tell my family of my miseries, as they are currently are in joyous mood of wedding preparation of my adik lelaki. I believe that if I talked about it, they will feel the same as you, like "please move on, bi*ch! Nobody want to listen your perennial struggles" or something like that. My family is more happy to hear that my adik and his fiancee decides to have kids asap, i.e. bunting pelamin, let alone hearing that his fiancee already consumed acid folic.
In other note, I read the The Road Less Travelled blog on how her infertility community also shrinked, and yet she still write in the same blog for 7 years. I also searched some infertility community in Instagram, well there are a lot of them. Also sometimes I search tags like #infertilitysucks or #infertilityhumor or etc, which sometimes made me forget the miseries.
Lastly, I want to congratulate to all who are enjoying pregnancy and motherhood. Barakallahu feek. I also want to congratulate Kak Chik Niza on her pregnancy, which she announced last week. I was a silent reader of her blog Keluargaku Sayang. She waited for 13 years for this miracle. I knew it from her Instagram account. She wrote that it happened miraculously as she break off from the fertility treatment and fertility drugs.
Well, this is what I feel right now.