Friday, 7 November 2014

I want to be fit (i.e.lose weight)



Exercise to be fit, not skinny
Eat to nourish your body
And always ignore the haters, doubters and unhealthy examples that were once feeding you
You are worth more than you realise
-Anonymous-
 
 
 
Ok I don't want to make miseries and melancholia as part of me, hence I write this post on being healthy, as my first step of moving.
 
Ingat tak lepas raya Aidilfitri  lepas, I announced proudly that I dah kurus. Ye lah, dah la puasa plus I eat in small portion. Memang I jaga portion makanan sebab it is the cause of my weight. I notice sangat bila I makan portion kecil, my body contour is pretty good walaupun tak kurus macam dulu. Well, ku sangkakan panas sepanjang hari, rupanya hujan di tengahari, yang indah hanya sementara. Dukacitanya I'm gaining weight unhealthily. Ya, in other words, I is gemuk. But people say gemuk is an offensive word, it is offensive like mandul word. Being fat is not a sin as long as it is healthy, but in my case, I'm gaining weights unhealthily, and add fews extra inches.

Unhealthy because I compare myself dengan blogger2 lain, ada yang berbadan besar tetapi memilih cara hidup sihat, join marathon la, daki gunung la, jogging la, masukkan resepi diet dalam pemakanan harian, etc. Kalau macam tu tak apa la sebab sihat. Energetic je I tengok kehidupan diorang. I ni orang kata 'lemau'.
 
Puncanya semua ini adalah kerana tidak consistent dan tidak istiqamah. Plus I silap sebab not eating healthy and not do any workout. Salah cara ini. Just control portion is not main factor but it is definitely contributing factor. Ada orang tanya tips I siap bagi tips tuh. Choyyu malunya iolssss....!!
 
Sekarang I sangat besar, I feel fat and soggy. Then I terus explore instagram with tag #iwanttochangemylife. Yes, most of the photo under that tag semuanya related to moving on in terms of being healthy. Healthy in physical, soul, mind and emotion, which also lead to eat clean or eat healthily.
 
I admit fitness is not my cup of tea, so bila ada blogger yang tulis pasal fitness I memang skip baca. Cuma I kagum gila la dari besar jadi kecik halus dan cantik. I actually tak nak jadi kurus sangat macam anak dara dulu sebab people said I was like walking skeleton and nenek kebayan, sebab pipi I kempung and thus make my teeth potruding in ugly way. Ramai je orang having protruding teeth tapi menambah lawa, yang I pula tak lawa. It happened because I had caries (like dentist always said to me) or senang cakap, cavities. It made my food consumption difficult and plus I received a very small salary so I had to be wise in my food spending. Jadi itu salah satu penyebab kurus. But my friends yang belajar medic dulu kata a lot of people makan macam I tapi boleh je badan fit, I ni kemungkinan besar ada high metabolism. Ya I percaya. Then I underwent two minor teeth surgeries less than a year, beza dua surgery tersebut adalah 7 bulan. After that, people started noticing that I eat a lot and compliments me that I gaining a good weight and my skin glowing with radiance. Furthermore, I also jogged and built some stamina.
 
I achieved my glory days masa 2 bulan before kahwin dan setahun dua lepas kahwin. I resigned from work. And saudara mara started compliments me, termasuk my supervisor and kawan2 postgraduate . Gembira gila rasa. Rasa macam I am normal. Masa tu rasa kesian pada people yang overweight yang determined to lose some weights. Kesian sebab bersusah payah nak kurus kembali, now sendiri pun sama. Padan muka. 
 
Tetapi, tanpa I sedari metabolisma adalah sesuatu anugerah yang boleh ditarik semula, selaras dengan umur. Masa itu juga I asyik duduk menghadap notebook menyiapkan thesis dan belajar some analysis, bila I bosan I blogwalking and tenggelam dalam blogsphere. The blogger kerap post gambar makanan dan resepi, kebetulan baru kahwin I pun baru belajar masak. Masa tu duduk in Borneo tak lalu sangat makan makanan cara Borneo so husband always bought me fastfood. Untuk minum petang pula I selalu makan kek Secret recipe. Bila dah kerja ada duit lebih makin menjadi, pun tabiat makan tak berubah. Sampai ada orang sindir I konon dulu I kurus sebab tak kerja tak ada duit nak makan, dah kerja ada duit banyak makan sampai jadi gemuk.
 
Bila balik semula ke Semenanjung, tabiat tak berubah, konon masa takde anak ni la nak masakkan sedap2 untuk husband, plus I nak show off kat family I dan family mertua yang I pandai masak *nafsu syaitan betul*. Semua itu sudah tercapai, dan menjadi tabiat. Sampai lah semua orang komplen I gemuk sangat, hilang rupa lah, punca tak pregnant lah, etc. Husband ajak I pergi jog, I pura-pura tidur. Or selalunya masa dia ajak tu kebetulan hujan. So the natures understood my laziness la kononnya. I know bila berdiri depan cermin rupa buruk, tapi I don't make any effort, I lebih sibuk cantikkan kulit. Like kononnya bila kulit cantik, people will forget my weight. Apparently no.
 
Kalau dah naik berat badan not in healthy way pakai baju apa pun kelihatan seperti sarung nangka, seksi terjojol atas bawah. Pakai tudung pun kelihatan makcik-makcik kerana pipi kembung  dan rahang melebar. Masa tu sedih sebab belum beranak rupa seperti beranak lapan, orang lain umur sebaya sudah beranak tiga pun masih cantik. Sedih.
 
 
Cuma beberapa hari kebelakangan ini, baru ada kesedaran. I started explore (as I said earlier #iwanttochangemylife) lead to  #eatclean #eathealthily for days untuk dapatkan cara pemakanan sihat. I also followed some instagram account in fitness. Kemudian I follow dan baca semula blogger punya fitness posts yang dulu-dulu tu. Baru tahu rupanya selama ini I'm not live healthily. Not eat clean. Baru tahu rupanya Kenny Rogers and Subway tu menu2nya semua eat healthy, I tak pernah order menu begitu, I mesti order heavy carbs menu, dessert mesti order cheese cake. Then I baca salah satu caption dalam fitness IG account tu; pengalaman dia sendiri, dia kata dia feel soggy and suka baring atas katil (masa tu memang I'm in the exact position pun), she felt miserables with her life, so one day she decided to change her life. So get up and working out, live healthily and suddenly her mood change, plus she also able to control her life in another aspects. She said that if in your innerslf is in bad shape, your outer self also go parallel. It strucks me, it hit me hard because that exactly what I feel .
 
So I started followed IG accounts and read a lot on live healthy and eat clean, I know I miss a lot, I download zumba, download workout video, donwload motivation, recipes, dan macam macam lagi lah. And I started yesterday. And I feel good.

And another confession, I nak look good masa kahwin adik I nanti. Tak nak la macam haritu masa dia bertunang hal I gemuk dan tak pregnant jadi talk of the town. So ada lebih kurang dua bulan. #nafsusyaitanlagi #tapiokkot


 
Moga iolls istiqamah. Doakan la ya  :-) :-) :-)

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Gloomy post in gloomy day

 
 
 
Don't be saddened by what you see
Its true life has its miseries
But one thing always worked for me
Worry ends when faith begin
- Worry Ends by Sami Yusuf-


Blogging is not a cool thing anymore kan? Bagus juga. I am somehow feel slightly relieved with the fact because it means I can pour pieces of melancholic emotion I have inside me. Well, nobody want to read the negative vibes kan, so elok juga la nobody read this blog. I always want to delete the negative stories I wrote here because I think it do nothing to the progress of trying to conceive, but of course I blame my broadband for that. Iols tak de streamyx/unifi, so kesian sikit la tang itu. Furthermore, I feel that people who read the blog surely feel that I am stagnant and not moving, while the truth is, yes I am not moving. Maybe one day when the broadband is cooperative, I will revert them to draft so that one day when I experience motherhood and feel proud of it, I will read my own gloomy post in gloomy days, to remind me that life is ridiculously crazy and I should be humble.
 
In addittional note, the blog not contribute to anything in the TTC world, other than ranting and babbling of woman who is stationary.  It's so long time I'm not going to the gynae although people keep asking me do that. I said I already had. Which is true. This only shut them temporary. I know that persistent in putting effort is vital, but I have a lot of constraints (maybe people see it as reasons for not being determined) that I should not saying it loud.
 
It also obvious that most of the TTC friends links I had already moving. Somehow I feel so lonely. Yeah, it was the times that we achieved solidarity by supporting each other, we shared all the tips and 'petua' from other survivors, sometimes we bashed and accused of the relatives/friends who is inconsiderate or broken the hearts of our friends, while we know very well it is so hard to gather and rebuild our strength to face the world. For example, I used to write about a friend who said to me when we taking photos with her children "Tangkap gambar banyak2 bang, bagi dia jeles sebab dia tak ada anak" more or less like this, suddenly out of the blue emailed me days before. She maybe one of the inconsiderate breeders that I loathe so much that I decided to make distance from her. Well, as anticipated, she emailed me to ask if I have kids or not.
 
Anyhow, life is beautiful. Life is full of diversity. I know most of people when I said lazily "It's okay if I don't have kids", all of them, ALL of them will say something like "Nauzubillah" or "Selisih malaikat 44" or "Isssh,jangan sebut macam tu.." or more rude "sebut-sebut tu nak sangat ke tak ada anak?" or less rude "alah nanti ada la tu, sabar je la, doa banyak-banyak". But when I mentioned that my own aunt live childfree, they shut. Or maybe I should say/ask "Most of Rasulullahs' wives also not bearing child, do you think it is a bad thing?".
 
I noticed some friends who made distanced of me when I was in glory days i.e. I achieved far more than them, they coming back with pretentious concern on asking how am doing in life, while in the same time they parading in snobbiness of their kids toward me. Well, I entertained them half heartly because when I used approached them before, they ran from me with illogical reasons. I entertained them by the way, not to show I am a good person, but to fight the evil inside me. They maybe want to show off to me that they are the winner but I affirm myself it maybe satan whispers on me to cut the silaturrahmi. I do not run away like they did, but also I do not make it obvious that I don't like their pretentious concern. The truth is they deserve to show off to me, because yes they are bestowed with eveything while I am here struggling with eveything, not just infertility.
 
I cannot tell my family of my miseries, as they are currently are in joyous mood of wedding preparation of my adik lelaki. I believe that  if I talked about it, they will feel the same as you, like "please move on, bi*ch! Nobody want to listen your perennial struggles" or something like that. My family is more happy to hear that my adik and his fiancee decides to have kids asap, i.e. bunting pelamin, let alone hearing that his fiancee already consumed acid folic.

In other note, I read the The Road Less Travelled blog on how her infertility community also shrinked, and yet she still write in the same blog for 7 years. I also searched some infertility community in Instagram, well there are a lot of them. Also sometimes I search tags like #infertilitysucks or #infertilityhumor or etc, which sometimes made me forget the miseries. 
 
Lastly, I want to congratulate to all who are enjoying pregnancy and motherhood. Barakallahu feek. I also want to congratulate Kak Chik Niza on her pregnancy, which she announced last week. I was a silent reader of her blog Keluargaku Sayang. She waited for 13 years for this miracle. I knew it from her Instagram account. She wrote that it happened miraculously as she break off from the fertility treatment and fertility drugs.
 
 
Well, this is what I feel right now.