Friday, 17 October 2014

Approaching 5 years of being chidlfree

 
 
 
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. 
Rita Rudner
 
 
  • Before menstruation hari itu, saya telah mengalami depresi teruk. I was crying for three and a half days in a row. I know that menstruation is coming, but I just felt weird that it happened so soon. I calculated my AF but still it doesn't made any sense. I cried like a rain drain for days. Makan pun menangis. Sembahyang pun menangis. Mandi pun menangis bawah shower. Start mengaji pun menangis. Baca buku pun menangis. Tengok TV pun menangis. Baring pun menangis. Sental bilik air dan toilet pun menangis. Sidai kain pun dah mula keruh tapi kena tahan sebab malu jiran2 tengok. Masuk rumah terus sembam muka atas bantal nangis macam pelakon drama nak menang award. The victim is always husband. I ignored him. When he asked what's wrong with me, I said nothing. Of course la dalam hati I rasa nak blame dia for everyhting. The reason for the weeping and whimpering tu pun is the same reason that you know;  my struggles. Malas masak. Malas mandi. Malas tengok cermin. Baring sambil tengok DVD. Letih mata tidur. Bangun menangis lagi. I caught husband baca ayat Kursi pada I hihi..He tried to make me feel better, but I ignored him. He treated me with comfort food that I love so much, but I think I rasa menyampah tengok all the scrumptious food tu. But on fourth day, I keluar rumah, pergi kelas pengajian di masjid. Walaupun not talking to other classmate, i just felt better. When husband picked me up, he asked me on some questions raised in his Whatsapp group. So that's the beginning of me feeling normal again. Of course la days later the AF menjengah diri, dan hancurlah harapan untuk get pregnant before majlis kahwin adik I.
  •  
  • I admit that I feel offended that when one day my brother yang nak kahwin bulan January ini made statement to me and my mum "Aku takut lah kalau aku dan isteri aku tak ada anak..". I yang elok-elok baring terus meloncat bangun, and I saw my mother macam offended jua sebab it definitely referring to me. I understand his nervousness before getting married. Masa meloncat bingkas bangun, I said to him, "Kau jangan risau. Ujian ni untuk aku sorang je. Bukan untuk kau. Hidup kau kan smooth je. Bukan macam akak."..Before my brother replied anything, my mother intefered and she preaching about ujian, and we listened religiously. Rupanya lebih sakit bila ahli keluarga pun tak memahami kan?
  •  
  • One day my same brother asked, or making statement - I don't know. He said that his fiancee started consuming acid folic, so that they can have child right after marriage. Senang cerita aim nak bunting pelamin. He then asked me, "Kau tak makan acid folic tu ke kak?". I said, "Tak. Aku segan nak bunting pelamin.""Kenapa nak segan? Kan dah Halal?""I know, but I prefered not to. Saja nak honeymoon lebih sikit. Dulu susah jumpa. Bukan macam kau, hari-hari jumpa!" Before we started arguing, my mother intervened, "Kau tak makan ke benda alah tu? Makan la..mana tahu lekat..". So I explained to mum that I knew about acid folic after 8,9 months after nikah. And I told her I did consumed it cuma rezeki belum berpihak lagi pada saya. I don't know what I feel,mungkin I will not very excited for his future kids like I did to my SIL kid. Tengok la macamana, mungkin one day I will forget all of this. Cuma as I mentioned earlier, somehow deep inside, I feel the urge to get pregnant before his wedding, not to compete with my sister in law, but I don't want people coming over the reception made 'stupid' joke about me. But who am I to force the fate. If that happen, I will just smile and shrugged and turn away.
  •  
  • On Merdeka Day, out of the blue one of my close friend suddenly rang me. I always wish her on Eid, and I even invited her for kenduri di rumah my parents sebab dia duduk dengan parents dia, so dekat sangat. She not gave any feedback nor coming to the feast. Tak apa la I don't get offended pun sebab it is a small matter. She then asking how I'm doing, where I live, and sort of questions she already knew. Also she asked about my parents, and other unimportant things. I surrendered, I asked her calmly "Kau call aku ni sebab kau nak bagitahu kau pregnant kali kedua kan?"  Dang! She chuckled and admitted it, a little bit embarrased but a little bit proud of it. Then she asked me, "Kau dah ada isi ke?" I said No. She chuckled again. And I continued, "Kalau ada pun , maybe aku tak call beritahu orang kot..". She said, "What?" "Nothing". Then I whished her well and good luck, and pray for her best in delivering and labouring. Maybe she bit offended and embarassed, or her purpose of calling me was achieved, so she made excuses to hung up. I told my mother about this, and my mother straightly said in laid-back that woman always feel proud of her achievement in having child, little did they know what the future holds for them, maybe the husband betraying them by getting married again or..we don't know..So remember before we feel proud or feel better than others, we don't know what happen in the future. Today is maybe our day, tomorrow maybe not. I'm not praying for bad things for a friend, but please be considerate before showing off things your friend not bestowed of. Same goes to married woman, don't be too excited telling our single friends on husband loving treatment to us. It may break their heart although they show their smile and telling us #tiljannah.
  •  
  • I never thought that I will be childfree for nearly 5 years. Wooohooo! It is achievement (maybe not good one, or maybe positive one,IDK) that I'm still strong until today. I thought I will be chidlfree for 3 or 4 years. It exceeds my expectation. I don't know if I will become a good mother. But I believed I will be a loving mother, I will show to him/her that he/she is special, but not necessarily be an arrogant. He/she is unique, but not necessarily centre of attention. He/she is brilliant, but not necessarily fast. He/she is strong, not necessarily underestimating others.
  •  
 
 
     

18 comments:

  1. InshaAllah, 5 years of pahala for being patient with His trial :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. InShaAllah...moga tak tergelincir iman dengan perkara remeh..

      Delete
  2. Hi there. lama menyepi na (kata org aku pun sama). Suka entry ni. I kagum dgn husband u yg boleh sabar and pujuk u bila emotional camtu. Not my husband. He will let me cool myself or he will really mad at me for being so weak.

    And u memang strong sebab u boleh heal the broken heart urself. My brother pun sibuk nak kahwin. I can't imagine if this also happen to me.

    People ask stupid questions or projecting random ideas on fertility because they don't have enough information and understanding on that issue. I think he needs to understand the issue and what is actually u going through.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha memang lama menyepi sebab tak de buat apa2 treatment. Segan nak menulis.
      I'm strong actually, but being strong is the only choice I have. Lagipun, bukan dia sorang cakap begitu. Ipar duai, kawan2 yang tak memahami pun cakap begitu. Like, kalau nak cakap tu, jangan cakap depan saya yang tidak diberi rezki itu. Takkan tak ada emotional sense walau sedikit.
      It's true what you said, he might not know what is the real problem, furthermore I dont see him as my cofidante, he is a man and I dont like him retelling my story to his fiancee hence I keep quiet about my struggles from him.

      Delete
  3. Salam kenal dear..people never stop.even my dearest baby passed away they never considered i've had a child,keep reminding me how childless i am..cruel cruel people but not all..one or two but hurt so much!sabar,sabar dan sabar..that's all Allah told us to do..we try hard.very hard..:-( And always believe,Allah knows..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Salam Nuriz Iman,

      Condolences. I know it is hurt, because I have friends also facing what you are facing right now. It is hurt to listen all those people. Well, it is easier said than done but do not let their words enter your brain, and do not let them control your emotion.

      Allah gives His trial to His strongest soldiers, and to raise to rank and position.

      Delete
    2. Typo - your rank and your position

      Delete
  4. Sabarlah semua yg masih menunggu ye..penantian 1 penyeksaan..tp insyaAllah hasilnya manis..ada ganjarannya jika tak di dunia pasti ada di akhirat..

    ReplyDelete
  5. Keep positive always dear! Allah choose His strongest army to deal the greatest battle. Be proud with that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am proud but at the same time I feel down. Ironic

      Delete
  6. btw, can I have you email add? mine is howbzerk@gmail.com. you can delete this comment by the way :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Saya boleh rasa apa yang awak rasa. Kadang-kadang rasa macam nak jumpa, peluk, dan cakap "awak tak seorang.. kami ada, Allah ada..". Saya cuma boleh berharap awak (walaupun ayat yang seterusnya ni macam typical, tapi itu je saya mampu cakap) stay strong macam mana awak bertahan for this 5 years. Saya yakin awak memang boleh jading a loving mother untuk anak-anak awak nanti. Masa itu akan tiba, cuma belum pasti bila. Kadang-kadang, Allah beri waktu kita tak jangka, waktu kita tak bersedia. Tah kenapa, saya selalu percaya pada 'waktu terbaik' yang Allah tetapkan untuk kita semua. Saya selalu jadi silent reader and tak pernah miss baca entries awak dan saya rasa kali ni saya tersentuh dengan entry ni, dengan perubahan positif awak. Saya rasa nak menangis (to be honest) dan saya akan terus mendoakan kebahagiaan awak. Amin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ya saya pun percaya Allah tetapkan waktu paling terbaik, cuma kita je yang tak sabar. Lagi sekali Allah tenangkan, "Allah is with the patient". Orang kata sabar memang sakit, tapi syukur lebih payah. Saya harap awak tak judge saya dengan post negative2 tu, nanti la bila ada kelapangan saya akan revert to draft. Tak bagus sebenarnya. Terima kasih atas doa awak

      Delete
  8. my emotion bace your post - angry at the moment,sad then....lastly i feel proud for u.haha :p
    y? because i feel.... ur future kids definitely lucky to have u as their mother....inshaaAllah.soon.
    congratssssssssss for the 5 years!!!! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ya I also don't expect that I will this strong for 5 years..!! :-D

      In Shaa Allah soon

      Delete