Thursday, 14 August 2014

The evil inside me

This is an old draft. Apology for harsh words and emotional tone here. I need to let it go to indicate that I'm a human. That I'm in progress of becoming of better servant.

Surely there is in the body a small piece of flesh; if it is good, the whole body is good, and if it is corrupted, the whole body is corrupted, and that is surely the heart’.
(Prophet Muhammad PBUH)
-Sahih Bukhari-
The reason why I still in anonymity when talking about infertility is family. Family is sacred to me but I wrote about them several times here. Talking bad about them. In progress of being positive, of course there are people will test us up to our limit and boundary. There are many tips on how to deal with people like these out there, but for family, the tips sometimes is not applicable, because we dont want anyone to get offended.
I'm changing my attitude, in progress. Doakan semoga istiqamah.
 But deep inside, I know there is little evil inside me.
When my SIL gave birth a daughter last year, she blatantly asked me on my full fasting on Ramadan with proud smirk. At that time, I felt that it is so inappropriate to ask me that, due to the fact that she is also TTC for two years and underwent some treatments.
Furthermore, she is not friendly toward me, even with capacity of family. I am like a threat to her.
She will dine when I and husband had finished our eating/before we eat
She will locked herself in room when I/husband in living room watching TV
She will go out watching TV when I taking naps in room
If we a family went out, and happened that she and I sat next to each other, she will made distanced herself like we were on fight
When she saw I dressed up, she out of nowhere made comments that she is too lazy to dress up and dressing up is wasting time.
She married a year later after me and thought that she will be pregnant immediately, so she try to be friendly but apparently not so she resumed to her old behaviours. The way she looked at me like she is nervous if I get pregnant before her. She also kept asking husband secretly if i got pregnant - of course without my presence. She also always asked my husband what I'm cooking and also asked my parents in law what I bring to kampung. I also found that she is the favourite daughter of my parents is law. She is not beautiful compared to my other sister-in-laws. Despite she have a decent job, her appearance and her lifestyle is outdated. I always caught her look secretly to my face and my clothes with jealousy, and once after breakfast I saw her immediately went to mirror and scrutinized her face while others not aware of that. She used to try to wear like me but to no avail, even worse she looked like a maid, that one time she was proposed by a mother of school gardener.
Right after she gave birth and she asked me the stupid question, her mother in law also asking me the question and sneered at me for not getting children. I dont care about her mother in law but I was severely offended upon her question until now that I swore in my heart that I will not treat her kids well like I do to other nieces and nephews.
Guess what, after she gave birth, all the low self esteem and isolation are gone. She is confident now, outspoken, little bit bitchy, demanded, and extra friendly toward me that I found extra suffocating, even more when she full of herself that her daughter is so cute. This is because her presence in eveywhere I stand/I sit where she kept smooching, nagging affectionately, or rambling to her daughter in front of me. Those are so noisy to my ear because the other sister in laws are laid-back in entertaining their children. I know she make it purposely for me. Even when she is not dining with us, she will sit with her baby with us - doing the smooching, rambling or pretentious nagging, sometimes make porridge in front of us while the ingredients in the kitchen, and other more that I found blergh..
To make it worse, she always tag along with us when we going out (because her husband dont like to come to parents-in-law's home) and once traveled with us (the thing she always avoid before she gave birth). On travel, I was scolded by husband because of her delving into her baby bag and I went out in scorching hot. I was mad and not taking my lunch at that time, kept quiet, and not in the mood at all. Feel guilty, she asked me if I took my lunch, as usual with my stern voice for her other stupid question, I said No. Feel guilty she decided to tag along with other in-laws car. Great.
In our balik kampung, I was even shocked by her arrogance. Due to her light sleeper baby, a single noise will wake the baby up so she feel so exhausted to entertain her daughter, as the baby is quite active. So when other nieces and nephews balik kampung, they play together, giggles, kidding around and doing some activities. Due to this, she yelled and scolded the nieces and nephews to keep quiet because her baby cannot sleep. She did it twice or thrice I cannot count- in front of their parents, my other in-laws. They just kept quiet of her behaviour and asked their children to stay silent but I can saw that their face showing bitterness. I have no kids but I also got offended by that, due to the fact that she kept hugging and kissing those nieces and nephews before she have her own. Not only that, she thoughts her baby is so special that when her baby wanders or crawls mindlessly, she expects me to take her baby.
The evil inside me:
I ignored the baby, instead I hugged and kissed other nieces and nephews in front of her.
When she bathed her baby and wore her the cute clothes and sat close to me, she expects me to compliment her baby,
the evil inside me:
I ignored the baby, instead I compliments other nieces and nephews.
When she stirred porridge in front of me without purpose and looked at my face just want to see my reaction,
the evil inside me:
I ignored the porridge, I took my phone and browse internet.
When she purposely let her baby go to crawl to me,
the evil inside me:
I took my tab and read my e-book, or read newspaper.
When she expect me to greet her baby and kiss her before going back to our home,
the evil inside me:
I ignored her baby, only greet her and go straight to the car.
On travel, everybody forgot about her baby stroller, other in-laws said that their car boot  were full. So it leaves to husband's car. Husband on the other hand, forgot that there was stroller that need to be squeezed in the boot. She looked offended that everybody forgot about her baby stroller.
The evil inside me:
Great.  Nobody thought about your baby.
I found out at her parents-in-law's home, her baby is the first grandchildren so her baby is well-attended by her in-laws, but here everyone (my other in-laws) (except moi) have babies and children, and their kids also cute. So her arrogance and haughtiness is ignored here. Till one time she mentioned to her baby that, "hey, sana ramai orang layan boleh la mengada-ngada".
(The thing is her baby is quite active so everybody in the house were worn out to entertain her, so she sort of offended when our family not attending her baby like at her parents-in-law's home).
Maybe if she show me little compassion and being sensitive, I dont mind being a full-time babysitter. Big mistake sistah!
the evil inside me:
Oh, now she aware that nobody entertain her snobbiness and her baby. Great.
On family travel, she kept whining endlessly that having a child is exhausted. (because her husband not accompany her). She wants to eat with us due to hunger but she angry when nobody want to hold her baby while she is eating. I know she also making eye contact with me when whiningbecause I only have an 'empty baggage' but I ignored her. Other family members also ignored her baby because all of them were busy managing their children and all of us were worn out. Then, my brother-in-law refuted that not only a mother is tired, the driver also tired, husband also adding up, and mother-in-law spoke out that although she not bearing any babies, she also worn out.  And after that she stopped whining.
the evil inside me:
Oh woman, serve you right! Your whining got nowhere.
The recent she tag along again with us (duuh!) so when her baby poke me and tried to seize my satin tudung, I loose her fingers because I dont want my satin tudung to crumple. SIL then asked her baby to let go my tudung and said that she cannot wear shawls because her baby kept seize it. I just kept quiet. Not only that, husband told her that he cannot attending her baby because we dont have one and he is driving. So I add up, me too. I don't get used to have a baby. She said it is okay then and pretend telling her baby that 'nobody want to play with you'.
The evil inside me:
I don't know why I feel okay and happy doing that.
Thi is evil inside me.
I cannot being positive if I dont let it go and forgive her.
But in my defense, I still need time to forget. I need space to forgive myself of doing that.
In my defense, I also hug and kiss her baby but only when she is absent.
In my defense, if she not treated me like a threat, I will forget.
In my defense, her arrogance of bearing a cute child is blergh..She aware of that, she aware that she is nobody without her baby. Thus her haughtiness.
I hope I can forgive and forget.
And kill the evil inside me.

In La Tahzan (Don't Be Sad) book by 'Aaidh al-Qarni, he said that Do not grieve when you are shown overt enminty, for if  you forgive and forget, you will have achieved nobility in this world and honor in the next. "But whoever forgives and make reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah" (42:40)


  1. BnC, so far sikap adik beradik, ipar duai, sepupu sepapat dan saudara mara Yani regarding anak masing-masing ni masih ok dan boleh tolerate lagi. Means that, Yani masih boleh ambil, dukung dan bergurau anak-anak buah tanpa satu perasaan 'sedih/kecil hati/terasa hati'. Anak-anak buah pun manja dengan Yani, jenis nak berkepit dengan mak sedara dan pak sedara dia ni (plus bilik tidur kami penuh dengan toys dan gajet yang memang jadi idaman masing-masing nak ambik buat main....huhu. Asal bukak pintu je, berderu semua nak masuk).

    Ntah la, tak tahu la nasib masa depan nanti macam mana....harap-harap perasaan ni kekal sampai bila-bila. Menumpang kasih sayang anak-anak buah, anak-anak kawan, anak-anak saudara mara sementara belum ada milik sendiri. So far adik beradik memang tak da cakap yang jenis sindir2 kekurangan kami suami isteri ni, mungkin faham kami tengah mencuba.

    1. We are opposite! Nieces & nephews I semua segan dengan I. Kalau I cium peluk diorang pun, diorang membatu dan malu2. Maybe sebab I'm not children-friendly kot. But I admit yang I terlalu kuat membaca sampaikan hiruk pikuk macamana pun I tak kisah so dari situ anak2 sedara faham 'jangan kacau aunty tengah membaca'. Kalau diorang intai gajet2 I pun, paling hebat pun diorang bisik dengan mak diorang.

      Dari cerita Yani I can surmise that your family and family in law's semuanya berilmu dan menjaga hati & sensitiviti. Itu salah satu rezeki. Alhamdulillah. I percaya you will be bestowed with your own kids soon kerana doa-doa keluarga dan kaum kerabat serta rakan taulan

  2. slm BnC, mcm akak pun akan buat gitu jgk je.. owh my takut sgt dgn manusia mcm ur SIL tu. Larii... Semua manusia ada evil inside BnC. don wori. Its juz that kita yg 'merasa' ni evil tu lain mcm sikit. Gitewwww... ***kakbaby:

    1. Saya in progress of becoming a good servant of Allah jadi dalam process membersihkan hati dari segala kotoran dan sikap negative (moga dipermudahkan), tapi last2 saya rasa perkara ini menjadi duri dalam diri saya sendiri, saya tak suka. Tapi rasa puas hati dapat buat begitu. So contradict. Rasa puas dapat 'balas dendam' cara macam tu. Tapi sedih. Argh susah nak kata la...ehehe..

  3. hmm...dilema ni... i can understand where u r coming from and why u do like u did. i pun if i were in the same situation, i would react the same. But nowadays, i try to put in 'rasa kesiannya kat dia' sebab perangai mcm tu... serious, kesian sebab rasa diri x cukup and perlu show off and get approval from those people around her, baru dia rasa bahagia....

    May Allah help us in improving ourselves and may Allah help her too....

    1. Ameen..

      Yup exactly as my thought, yang dia buat begitu sebab dia sangat insecure sangat2. I mean kalau tak ada baby dia tu, she is just plain Jane and ugly duckling in family gitu..sebab yang lain semua laid-back relax chilling je dengan their kids.. Yes, pity her. So pity that she needs recognization and attention, menumpang kebertuahan anak dia.

      I tried to ignore this feeling, but it killing inside me, macam kemam bara sampai diri sendiri terbakar. Padahal I should let it go, forgive and forget.

  4. Dear BnC. I baru dapat komen blog u! huhuhuhu tattau kenape takleh nak komen before ni, smua blog takde komen button if browse guna ofis punye pc :P
    U know what, i penah buat ape yg u buat hahaha..tapi bukan dgn family or in laws, dgn close friends yg somehow dulu diorg penah tak sensitive about issue infertility ni. ade kwn i yg sukaaaaa sgt ckp psl pregnancy in front of me, ada yang sukaaaaa sgt bwk anak dpn2 i dgn harapan i akan ambik dan cium dan sbgnya. i penah buat exactly ape yg u buat. Ignore them. Yeah i understand that sometimes kita pun nak tunjuk the evil inside of us. ada sekali my fren tu asik cakap la yang dia loya and pening on her 2nd pregnancy, letih angkot budak dlm mase yg same pregnant, i takde ckp Ye ke? Oh kesiannye kau..Sabar lah dugaan, etc etc. Instead, i terus tgk fon dan buat expression "Lalalalalala....." Dia terus diam n nampak bengang sbb i tak komen ape2 huhu...yelah kdg2 kite ni manusia biase je. nak being positive all the time bukan sng nak buat. Tapi lama2 kite akan blajar utk memaafkan kwn tu n maafkan diri sendiri yg bersikap evil :P

    1. ha kan..sebenarnya rasa bersalah buat begitu tapi sometimes rasa bosan pula melayan perangai mak2 yang macam tak boleh ke relax2 je, laid-back je ke..sebab orang lain ada anak pun relax je tak de lah peghak sangat..kadang2 apa niat buat macam tu..sometimes I perasan juga, kadang2 those mum yang buat begitu adalah mereka yang paling sentap sekali bila orang kata anak mereka. ada dulu one of colleague bukan main sanggup berkejar dapatkan i tengah berjalan semata2 nak tunjuk anak dia, then bila i agah2 tak lama kemudian ada orang datang cakap ,"eh kenapa anak kau menggeliat macam kucing..?" , terus la mak tu sentap..i senyum then gelak kecil..lagi la dia sentap..yang my SIL ni pula ada one day tu dia bawa anak dia raya rumah orang, tag along with us, then tuan rumah tu kata, "comel anak jantan.." then SIL sentap kata ini baby girl...(sebab anak dia rambutnya tak berapa nak tumbuh, botak)...bila masuk dalam kereta i sengaja cakap pada budak tu, "sian dia atuk kata dia boy yeaa..."..terus SIL sentap lagi and cakap "nanti rambut dah tumbuh nanti barulah gegirl.." ...rasa nak cakap padan muka tapi dalam hati pun tak sampai hati..uhuhu


9th Raya and being childfree.

I changed again the blog theme. I love to play around with the blog theme and blogspot has offered quite a variety of beautiful template...