Friday, 14 February 2014

Mind-setting dan anggapan tentang anak.




You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Franklin P. Jones


I have a confession here. I have a negative mindsetting toward babies, toddler or children. I used to think that having babies in marriage will change my world. I used to think that babies will limit my ambition and my activities.
 
Kadang-kadang, bila fikir semula, bolehkan sesuatu institusi kekeluargaan berfungsi tanpa kehadiran anak-anak. I have a mindsetting that I cannot become a good mother as my mother, sebab I tak pandai masak sangat - so macamana nak masak untuk beri makanan pada anak. My mother pandai masak and rajin masak - we eat about 5 times a day, kalau tea time, beliau akan buat macam-macam kuih. Dan akan bertukar-tukar juadah lauk pauh dan kuih muih dengan jiran-jiran who also a full time housewife. Can I do that?
 
I tak pandai jaga kanak- so macamana kalau dia nangis waktu malam or macamana nak pegang dia elok-elok. I tak pernah nak volunteer nak pegang or dukung anak-anak buah or anak-anak kawan. What if I tak ada susu? What if I tak faham apa the babies tu nak? What if kalau I nak bawa dia jalan-jalan ke shopping complex? What if kalau etc etc etc. Can I do that?
 
I tak pandai bab-bab hal rumahtangga - I wonder bolehkan my house will be squeaky clean dengan kehadiran anak-anak - sebab I'm a bit clean freak, sebab kalau ikutkan my mother, beliau memang ajar kami adik beradik untuk bergolek-golek dan bermain di ruang TV, but not living hall. It's like living hall and main dining room tu untuk guest je, hence kusyen-kusyen di living hall and di dining room sangatlah empuk walaupun dah 20 tahun. To prove that, pernah I and siblings main kejar-kejar polis sentri then kami terlajak berlari dalam rumah, then my adik terpecahkan pasu bunga. Before mother rotan kami, adik menangis dulu sebab takut mak rotan. My mother also a good tailor, same goes to mak jiran-jiran lain. Mother sometimes sew me skirts and baju-baju.Sometimes jiran-jiran ada mengait buat lapik meja and bekas tumbler plus lapik TV then beri pada kami, so as exchange, mother jahitkan tudung or anything wearable untuk anak-anak jiran. Can I do that?
 
Badan I lembik dan 'lemau' - Kalau I letih sikit, I memang akan jatuh sakit. Lama pula tu, kadang-kadang sampai seminggu. Kalau I buat kerja lebih sikit, I will have fever for a week. Macam ada haritu my parents in law nak pergi Hajj so ada kenduri, I tolong-tolong la basuh periuk belanga dan tupperware besar, angkat kerusi dan meja sikit, dan tolong menyapu sikit, bukan kerja berat pun, tapi esoknya I demam sebab penat. Kalau I kerja pun, kalau terlalu banyak kerja - for sure I akan MC lepas tu sebab demam teruk sebab letih sangat. Kalau pergi bercuti yang sight-seeing like jalan-jalan, bukan penat pun happy je sebab dapat jalan tapi balik je terus demam teruk. Mother always said to me, "macamana la kau nak beranak, kalau penat sikit terus sakit..". I also wonder how some mummies can manage 4, 5 orang anak and handle their antics. Can I do that?
 
Being a good mother - being a mother is easy, but how about being a good mother? I wonder bolehkan I berikan yang terbaik untuk anak-anak I. Berikan ilmu dunia dan akhirat, mendidik mereka menjadi insan berguna.
 
Being an active woman - I love to do activities, last two years and year before I and husband involved in under water diving (and other water sports like parasailing, snorkeling,flying fish, etc),we explore caves, we travelled by car and bus 16 - 26 hours for a journey, and many more. I plan to have a Eurotrip by backpacking, I sometimes wonder if I can do these if I have babies?
 
These mindsetting juga I believe is one of the factor contributing to my infertility. Punya la takut, masa awal-awal perkahwinan I ambil pil sebab takut mengandung (link) If other woman rasa happy bila period terlewat, I in fact rasa cuak and nervous. I cuak and nervous about everything -- how about money for aqiqah, money for baby preparation, money for birth and delivery, money ro clothe, how about mylife, where to find babysitter, how to achieve career success, and so on..And for sure lepas cuak confirm akan turun darah haid. And rasa lega sebab belum pregnant. But then I rasa gila betul perasaan tu. Sebab I pun hendak ada anak-anak. Teringin nak pegang anak sendiri, nak jalan dengan anak sendiri, ambil gambar dengan anak sendiri, nak pegang tangan anak sendiri. This is so contradicting.
 
I told mother and father about this. They told me that anak tu rezeki. Kadang-kadang rezeki tu datang tanpa diduga, dan tiba-tiba kehidupan seolah-olah 'memberi' kepada si kecil. Father not a high-income earner but he sort of know how and where to find the great deal of children things at the best price. Now kita pun da ada banyak baby expo kan? ...Entahlah  I sort of takut dengan kehadiran seseorang dipanggil anak dalam hidup kerana takut dan risau about everything. I salute sangat-sangat kepada ibu beranak 6,7, 8, 9 yet masih kemas dan masih boleh handle successfully. I think sebab ini lah some married couples tak mahu anak in their marriage or tangguhkan niat untuk memiliki anak. Memang ada pasangan yang tak mahu anak cuma tak diberi exposure dalam media sebab being childfree is still a taboo in our society. Tapi kalau di media luar negara, being childfree is an option.
 
Father and mother then told me story of how to raise our own child, and they encounter everything of my worries (as I stated above) and told me the steps and tricks to make the children feel contented. Dari aspek kewangan, aspek pakaian dan kelengkapan kanak-kanak, aspek pendidikan, aspek akhlak kanak-kanak, aspek kesihatan, aspek rohani, aspek pemakanan, aspek fizikal dan pendidikan jasmani, aspek pengurusan masa, aspek pengurusan hal-ehwal rumahtangga, etc they sentuh and bagi tips. They also gave me examples of some of our relatives and neighbours yang beranak ramai but still masih cantik, wangi dan bermekap, dan rumah kemas, dan masak sedap pula tu. They told me on how to manage times and 'mencuri' masa on how to handle the situation, but the important thing is mesti kena mulakan dari kecil dan dari awal. After all, there is no a perfect type parenting sebab as people said dalam articles yang perfect parenting theory cannot be applied to all children. Lagipun, Allah memberi anugerah anak kepada hambaNya yang Dia tahu boleh memikul tanggungjawab tersebut. To success in parenting, perlu ada cooperation between mother and father. Rasulullah PBUH pun ada menggariskan cara-cara tertentu dalam mendidik anak  jadi tak timbul soal boleh atau tidak kita become a good mother or not.
 
Perbualan dengan my parents membuka mata dan hati I serta mengubah mindsetting I terhadap kanak-kanak. Maybe I read too much information on fights between parents - pasal breastfeeding la, pasal ambil epidural la, pasal beranak normal beranak operate la, pasal siapa paling pandai jaga anak la, pasal anak siapa paling pandai bercakap dulu, pasal anak siapa paling pandai berjalan dulu, etc etc...This fights and arguments ni tak habis-habis. I lebih suka ibu bapa yang relax-relax, contoh blogger terdekat yang tak terikut dengan 'trend' ni maybe I rasa Kak Diana Ishak and Tina kot, sebab they also admit that they don't want to join any parenting group, sebab anak masing-masing pun tak sama. And too much comparison menyebabkan kita jadi stress, yang menyebabkan parents akan emphasize too much on development of the child.  I juga suka tengok my ipar duai beranak -- they lebih relax dalam menjaga anak masing-masing dan buatkan I pun rasa nak juga beranak banyak. Apa pun, my assumption and my mindsetting about children dah berubah kot. I don't think at this age I sibuk nak bershopping benda ngarut2 or nak buat aktiviti lasak bagai so I'm readily welcome new life in my womb In Shaa Allah moga Dia perkenankan. Berdasarkan tips-tips dari my parents, I now dah tak tengok lagi ibu kusut masai and I pulak takut nak beranak, I divert my attention to ibu-ibu beranak ramai dan relax2 ja tu.
 
Segala puji-pujian kepada Allah. Dia yang Maha Berkuasa ke atas sesuatu.

credit

 

16 comments:

  1. B&C, share la tips from ur parent :-)

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    1. ahahah boleh tapi segan..maklumlah tak beranak lagi dah bagi tips..tapi kalau bab2 penjimatan dan tricks tu InshaAllah akan diusahakan jika ada kelapangan

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  2. suke sgt baca. well, mak ayah kite the best parents kan? die jaga kita smp kita besar, dgn gaji kecik je....tapi kita boleh makan, pakai macam org lain..walau tak mewah, diorang tak penah tunjuk susah depan kita..(sob sob)...
    benda2 ni juga sy pernah pikir..pandai ke aku?boleh ke aku?tabah ke aku? tapi orang cakap, once dah jadi mommy, benda tu automatik....hargailah masa yg diberi tu.... i am ready to be mom...masanya?hanya Allah yang tahu...

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    1. tu la semua orang kata bila dah jadi mommy, mesti benda tu jadi natural and datang ilham yang tak terduga. apa2 pun, lower our expectation

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  3. ur post always make me smile or think ;) hihi.inshaaAllah,iya doakan cepat2 dapat mengandung and kite same2 jadi parent relax2.hehehe ^_____^

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    1. thank you for the beautiful du'a...ye i pun harap dapat jadi emak yang relax2 je asalkan anak2 sihat dna kebajikan mereka terjaga

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  4. insyaAllah i'll pray for you BnC... your time will come soon.

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    1. thank you for you beautiful du'a Lady Mira..

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  5. Well b&c, sometimes we tend to overthink and try to sooth ourselves by saying that we just expecting the unexpected or hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

    Thing is i also learned that chillax is the best remedy and come what may, insyaAllah, we are ready.

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    1. yes you said the perfect words to describe what i feel dear...mother also said that chillax je la banyak2 doa pada Allah bukan sibuk berforum/berfb/berlonggok2 cerita pasal anak sebab anak2 masing2 tak sama and their future pun tak sama.

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  6. ho BnC..same with me..
    me pun selalu fikir boleh ke aku jadi mak ni..kalau dah tolong pegangkan anak org 10minit pun dah lenguh2 tangan..baby menangis pun taktau nak handle mcm mana...terus bg kat mak dia balik..haha..
    tp rasanya insyaAllah bile kita ada our own child..semua tu akan kita belajar perlahan2..actually org yg dah jadi mak pun feels the same before kot..Allah Maha Mengetahui..

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    1. tu la my mom pun cakap macam tu..dia kata masa dia pregnant dulu pun dia tak sangka dia pregnant sebab rasa being pregnant tu macam asing sangat..tapi bila dah lahir rasa satu keajaiban

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  7. Salam BNC,
    i selalu baca ur blog..n arini, i tgerak hati utk tulis, tho i xbaca abis ur post ni..hehehe..jgn marah yer..juz wanna share my thoughts with u..
    everyone ada kelemahan masing2..tp jgn sesekali meletakkn kelemahan itu sbg burden n blame ourselve bcoz of dat..instead, kita harus bsyukur sbb itu menunjukkn kita ni manusia yg lemah n Dia sahaja yg kuat n berkuasa..jadinya, kita mmg kene sentiasa memerlukan Dia utk bantuan..

    our parents mmg hebat..our mom, lagi hebat..but utk diorg jd hebat, sure diorg pun pening kepala masa mula2 dpt anak.sure diorg xde ilmu n pengalaman bagai..tp diorg tetap berusaha utk jadi yg terbaik..so, samalah dgn kita..bila kita rasa kita xmampu utk melakukan sesuatu, kita kene fikir, n berusaha, how nk jadi terbaik utk diri sendiri, utk pasangan kita, utk family kita, n utk anak2 kita..kita ubah our mind set.don't always think negative, sbb itu mmg tugas syaitan utk buat kita khayal n lemah smgt..kita kene ingat, kita ada Allah.kita pohon dgn Dia, utk segala bantuan yg kita rasa kita xmampu..when we really put Him first in everything dat we do, He'll help us all the time..
    every morning, kita mesti target diri kita..kita mesti jadi lebih baik dr semalam.n kita berikan yg terbaik utk arini n seterusnya..tiap2 hari, kita mesti ucapkn target kita n follow targets..insyaAllah, lama2 kita akan jadi yg terbaik utk semua..
    Jgn sedih2 yer..insyaAllah setiap org akan nikmati keajabain dr Allah..lain org, lain rezekinya..apapun, kita sama2 bersyukur ya..
    I doakan u agar dikurniakan cahaya mata, yg soleh n solehah..n keluarga yg tersangat bahagia..ameen

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    1. Salam BabyJuniorBabyKidsWear,

      Tak marah. I fully understand lebih2 lagi when you wrote "tak abis baca..." so maybe you pre-fudged me all the way long before you came to the end of the post. I don't mind frankly.

      True as you said, to be a great person kena la prektis banyak2, same goes to be a parent. Dua' is powerful though. Not only to be a parent, but also to be a servant of Allah. Everyday is a learning process, and we are trying to be better, compete with our own self from yesterday, and please Him rather than please His creation.

      Thank you for your beautiful reminder, thank you again for your eloquent words, and thank you for your beautiful dua'. Ameen

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