Friday, 7 November 2014

I want to be fit (i.e.lose weight)



Exercise to be fit, not skinny
Eat to nourish your body
And always ignore the haters, doubters and unhealthy examples that were once feeding you
You are worth more than you realise
-Anonymous-
 
 
 
Ok I don't want to make miseries and melancholia as part of me, hence I write this post on being healthy, as my first step of moving.
 
Ingat tak lepas raya Aidilfitri  lepas, I announced proudly that I dah kurus. Ye lah, dah la puasa plus I eat in small portion. Memang I jaga portion makanan sebab it is the cause of my weight. I notice sangat bila I makan portion kecil, my body contour is pretty good walaupun tak kurus macam dulu. Well, ku sangkakan panas sepanjang hari, rupanya hujan di tengahari, yang indah hanya sementara. Dukacitanya I'm gaining weight unhealthily. Ya, in other words, I is gemuk. But people say gemuk is an offensive word, it is offensive like mandul word. Being fat is not a sin as long as it is healthy, but in my case, I'm gaining weights unhealthily, and add fews extra inches.

Unhealthy because I compare myself dengan blogger2 lain, ada yang berbadan besar tetapi memilih cara hidup sihat, join marathon la, daki gunung la, jogging la, masukkan resepi diet dalam pemakanan harian, etc. Kalau macam tu tak apa la sebab sihat. Energetic je I tengok kehidupan diorang. I ni orang kata 'lemau'.
 
Puncanya semua ini adalah kerana tidak consistent dan tidak istiqamah. Plus I silap sebab not eating healthy and not do any workout. Salah cara ini. Just control portion is not main factor but it is definitely contributing factor. Ada orang tanya tips I siap bagi tips tuh. Choyyu malunya iolssss....!!
 
Sekarang I sangat besar, I feel fat and soggy. Then I terus explore instagram with tag #iwanttochangemylife. Yes, most of the photo under that tag semuanya related to moving on in terms of being healthy. Healthy in physical, soul, mind and emotion, which also lead to eat clean or eat healthily.
 
I admit fitness is not my cup of tea, so bila ada blogger yang tulis pasal fitness I memang skip baca. Cuma I kagum gila la dari besar jadi kecik halus dan cantik. I actually tak nak jadi kurus sangat macam anak dara dulu sebab people said I was like walking skeleton and nenek kebayan, sebab pipi I kempung and thus make my teeth potruding in ugly way. Ramai je orang having protruding teeth tapi menambah lawa, yang I pula tak lawa. It happened because I had caries (like dentist always said to me) or senang cakap, cavities. It made my food consumption difficult and plus I received a very small salary so I had to be wise in my food spending. Jadi itu salah satu penyebab kurus. But my friends yang belajar medic dulu kata a lot of people makan macam I tapi boleh je badan fit, I ni kemungkinan besar ada high metabolism. Ya I percaya. Then I underwent two minor teeth surgeries less than a year, beza dua surgery tersebut adalah 7 bulan. After that, people started noticing that I eat a lot and compliments me that I gaining a good weight and my skin glowing with radiance. Furthermore, I also jogged and built some stamina.
 
I achieved my glory days masa 2 bulan before kahwin dan setahun dua lepas kahwin. I resigned from work. And saudara mara started compliments me, termasuk my supervisor and kawan2 postgraduate . Gembira gila rasa. Rasa macam I am normal. Masa tu rasa kesian pada people yang overweight yang determined to lose some weights. Kesian sebab bersusah payah nak kurus kembali, now sendiri pun sama. Padan muka. 
 
Tetapi, tanpa I sedari metabolisma adalah sesuatu anugerah yang boleh ditarik semula, selaras dengan umur. Masa itu juga I asyik duduk menghadap notebook menyiapkan thesis dan belajar some analysis, bila I bosan I blogwalking and tenggelam dalam blogsphere. The blogger kerap post gambar makanan dan resepi, kebetulan baru kahwin I pun baru belajar masak. Masa tu duduk in Borneo tak lalu sangat makan makanan cara Borneo so husband always bought me fastfood. Untuk minum petang pula I selalu makan kek Secret recipe. Bila dah kerja ada duit lebih makin menjadi, pun tabiat makan tak berubah. Sampai ada orang sindir I konon dulu I kurus sebab tak kerja tak ada duit nak makan, dah kerja ada duit banyak makan sampai jadi gemuk.
 
Bila balik semula ke Semenanjung, tabiat tak berubah, konon masa takde anak ni la nak masakkan sedap2 untuk husband, plus I nak show off kat family I dan family mertua yang I pandai masak *nafsu syaitan betul*. Semua itu sudah tercapai, dan menjadi tabiat. Sampai lah semua orang komplen I gemuk sangat, hilang rupa lah, punca tak pregnant lah, etc. Husband ajak I pergi jog, I pura-pura tidur. Or selalunya masa dia ajak tu kebetulan hujan. So the natures understood my laziness la kononnya. I know bila berdiri depan cermin rupa buruk, tapi I don't make any effort, I lebih sibuk cantikkan kulit. Like kononnya bila kulit cantik, people will forget my weight. Apparently no.
 
Kalau dah naik berat badan not in healthy way pakai baju apa pun kelihatan seperti sarung nangka, seksi terjojol atas bawah. Pakai tudung pun kelihatan makcik-makcik kerana pipi kembung  dan rahang melebar. Masa tu sedih sebab belum beranak rupa seperti beranak lapan, orang lain umur sebaya sudah beranak tiga pun masih cantik. Sedih.
 
 
Cuma beberapa hari kebelakangan ini, baru ada kesedaran. I started explore (as I said earlier #iwanttochangemylife) lead to  #eatclean #eathealthily for days untuk dapatkan cara pemakanan sihat. I also followed some instagram account in fitness. Kemudian I follow dan baca semula blogger punya fitness posts yang dulu-dulu tu. Baru tahu rupanya selama ini I'm not live healthily. Not eat clean. Baru tahu rupanya Kenny Rogers and Subway tu menu2nya semua eat healthy, I tak pernah order menu begitu, I mesti order heavy carbs menu, dessert mesti order cheese cake. Then I baca salah satu caption dalam fitness IG account tu; pengalaman dia sendiri, dia kata dia feel soggy and suka baring atas katil (masa tu memang I'm in the exact position pun), she felt miserables with her life, so one day she decided to change her life. So get up and working out, live healthily and suddenly her mood change, plus she also able to control her life in another aspects. She said that if in your innerslf is in bad shape, your outer self also go parallel. It strucks me, it hit me hard because that exactly what I feel .
 
So I started followed IG accounts and read a lot on live healthy and eat clean, I know I miss a lot, I download zumba, download workout video, donwload motivation, recipes, dan macam macam lagi lah. And I started yesterday. And I feel good.

And another confession, I nak look good masa kahwin adik I nanti. Tak nak la macam haritu masa dia bertunang hal I gemuk dan tak pregnant jadi talk of the town. So ada lebih kurang dua bulan. #nafsusyaitanlagi #tapiokkot


 
Moga iolls istiqamah. Doakan la ya  :-) :-) :-)

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Gloomy post in gloomy day

 
 
 
Don't be saddened by what you see
Its true life has its miseries
But one thing always worked for me
Worry ends when faith begin
- Worry Ends by Sami Yusuf-


Blogging is not a cool thing anymore kan? Bagus juga. I am somehow feel slightly relieved with the fact because it means I can pour pieces of melancholic emotion I have inside me. Well, nobody want to read the negative vibes kan, so elok juga la nobody read this blog. I always want to delete the negative stories I wrote here because I think it do nothing to the progress of trying to conceive, but of course I blame my broadband for that. Iols tak de streamyx/unifi, so kesian sikit la tang itu. Furthermore, I feel that people who read the blog surely feel that I am stagnant and not moving, while the truth is, yes I am not moving. Maybe one day when the broadband is cooperative, I will revert them to draft so that one day when I experience motherhood and feel proud of it, I will read my own gloomy post in gloomy days, to remind me that life is ridiculously crazy and I should be humble.
 
In addittional note, the blog not contribute to anything in the TTC world, other than ranting and babbling of woman who is stationary.  It's so long time I'm not going to the gynae although people keep asking me do that. I said I already had. Which is true. This only shut them temporary. I know that persistent in putting effort is vital, but I have a lot of constraints (maybe people see it as reasons for not being determined) that I should not saying it loud.
 
It also obvious that most of the TTC friends links I had already moving. Somehow I feel so lonely. Yeah, it was the times that we achieved solidarity by supporting each other, we shared all the tips and 'petua' from other survivors, sometimes we bashed and accused of the relatives/friends who is inconsiderate or broken the hearts of our friends, while we know very well it is so hard to gather and rebuild our strength to face the world. For example, I used to write about a friend who said to me when we taking photos with her children "Tangkap gambar banyak2 bang, bagi dia jeles sebab dia tak ada anak" more or less like this, suddenly out of the blue emailed me days before. She maybe one of the inconsiderate breeders that I loathe so much that I decided to make distance from her. Well, as anticipated, she emailed me to ask if I have kids or not.
 
Anyhow, life is beautiful. Life is full of diversity. I know most of people when I said lazily "It's okay if I don't have kids", all of them, ALL of them will say something like "Nauzubillah" or "Selisih malaikat 44" or "Isssh,jangan sebut macam tu.." or more rude "sebut-sebut tu nak sangat ke tak ada anak?" or less rude "alah nanti ada la tu, sabar je la, doa banyak-banyak". But when I mentioned that my own aunt live childfree, they shut. Or maybe I should say/ask "Most of Rasulullahs' wives also not bearing child, do you think it is a bad thing?".
 
I noticed some friends who made distanced of me when I was in glory days i.e. I achieved far more than them, they coming back with pretentious concern on asking how am doing in life, while in the same time they parading in snobbiness of their kids toward me. Well, I entertained them half heartly because when I used approached them before, they ran from me with illogical reasons. I entertained them by the way, not to show I am a good person, but to fight the evil inside me. They maybe want to show off to me that they are the winner but I affirm myself it maybe satan whispers on me to cut the silaturrahmi. I do not run away like they did, but also I do not make it obvious that I don't like their pretentious concern. The truth is they deserve to show off to me, because yes they are bestowed with eveything while I am here struggling with eveything, not just infertility.
 
I cannot tell my family of my miseries, as they are currently are in joyous mood of wedding preparation of my adik lelaki. I believe that  if I talked about it, they will feel the same as you, like "please move on, bi*ch! Nobody want to listen your perennial struggles" or something like that. My family is more happy to hear that my adik and his fiancee decides to have kids asap, i.e. bunting pelamin, let alone hearing that his fiancee already consumed acid folic.

In other note, I read the The Road Less Travelled blog on how her infertility community also shrinked, and yet she still write in the same blog for 7 years. I also searched some infertility community in Instagram, well there are a lot of them. Also sometimes I search tags like #infertilitysucks or #infertilityhumor or etc, which sometimes made me forget the miseries. 
 
Lastly, I want to congratulate to all who are enjoying pregnancy and motherhood. Barakallahu feek. I also want to congratulate Kak Chik Niza on her pregnancy, which she announced last week. I was a silent reader of her blog Keluargaku Sayang. She waited for 13 years for this miracle. I knew it from her Instagram account. She wrote that it happened miraculously as she break off from the fertility treatment and fertility drugs.
 
 
Well, this is what I feel right now.


Friday, 17 October 2014

Approaching 5 years of being chidlfree

 
 
 
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. 
Rita Rudner
 
 
  • Before menstruation hari itu, saya telah mengalami depresi teruk. I was crying for three and a half days in a row. I know that menstruation is coming, but I just felt weird that it happened so soon. I calculated my AF but still it doesn't made any sense. I cried like a rain drain for days. Makan pun menangis. Sembahyang pun menangis. Mandi pun menangis bawah shower. Start mengaji pun menangis. Baca buku pun menangis. Tengok TV pun menangis. Baring pun menangis. Sental bilik air dan toilet pun menangis. Sidai kain pun dah mula keruh tapi kena tahan sebab malu jiran2 tengok. Masuk rumah terus sembam muka atas bantal nangis macam pelakon drama nak menang award. The victim is always husband. I ignored him. When he asked what's wrong with me, I said nothing. Of course la dalam hati I rasa nak blame dia for everyhting. The reason for the weeping and whimpering tu pun is the same reason that you know;  my struggles. Malas masak. Malas mandi. Malas tengok cermin. Baring sambil tengok DVD. Letih mata tidur. Bangun menangis lagi. I caught husband baca ayat Kursi pada I hihi..He tried to make me feel better, but I ignored him. He treated me with comfort food that I love so much, but I think I rasa menyampah tengok all the scrumptious food tu. But on fourth day, I keluar rumah, pergi kelas pengajian di masjid. Walaupun not talking to other classmate, i just felt better. When husband picked me up, he asked me on some questions raised in his Whatsapp group. So that's the beginning of me feeling normal again. Of course la days later the AF menjengah diri, dan hancurlah harapan untuk get pregnant before majlis kahwin adik I.
  •  
  • I admit that I feel offended that when one day my brother yang nak kahwin bulan January ini made statement to me and my mum "Aku takut lah kalau aku dan isteri aku tak ada anak..". I yang elok-elok baring terus meloncat bangun, and I saw my mother macam offended jua sebab it definitely referring to me. I understand his nervousness before getting married. Masa meloncat bingkas bangun, I said to him, "Kau jangan risau. Ujian ni untuk aku sorang je. Bukan untuk kau. Hidup kau kan smooth je. Bukan macam akak."..Before my brother replied anything, my mother intefered and she preaching about ujian, and we listened religiously. Rupanya lebih sakit bila ahli keluarga pun tak memahami kan?
  •  
  • One day my same brother asked, or making statement - I don't know. He said that his fiancee started consuming acid folic, so that they can have child right after marriage. Senang cerita aim nak bunting pelamin. He then asked me, "Kau tak makan acid folic tu ke kak?". I said, "Tak. Aku segan nak bunting pelamin.""Kenapa nak segan? Kan dah Halal?""I know, but I prefered not to. Saja nak honeymoon lebih sikit. Dulu susah jumpa. Bukan macam kau, hari-hari jumpa!" Before we started arguing, my mother intervened, "Kau tak makan ke benda alah tu? Makan la..mana tahu lekat..". So I explained to mum that I knew about acid folic after 8,9 months after nikah. And I told her I did consumed it cuma rezeki belum berpihak lagi pada saya. I don't know what I feel,mungkin I will not very excited for his future kids like I did to my SIL kid. Tengok la macamana, mungkin one day I will forget all of this. Cuma as I mentioned earlier, somehow deep inside, I feel the urge to get pregnant before his wedding, not to compete with my sister in law, but I don't want people coming over the reception made 'stupid' joke about me. But who am I to force the fate. If that happen, I will just smile and shrugged and turn away.
  •  
  • On Merdeka Day, out of the blue one of my close friend suddenly rang me. I always wish her on Eid, and I even invited her for kenduri di rumah my parents sebab dia duduk dengan parents dia, so dekat sangat. She not gave any feedback nor coming to the feast. Tak apa la I don't get offended pun sebab it is a small matter. She then asking how I'm doing, where I live, and sort of questions she already knew. Also she asked about my parents, and other unimportant things. I surrendered, I asked her calmly "Kau call aku ni sebab kau nak bagitahu kau pregnant kali kedua kan?"  Dang! She chuckled and admitted it, a little bit embarrased but a little bit proud of it. Then she asked me, "Kau dah ada isi ke?" I said No. She chuckled again. And I continued, "Kalau ada pun , maybe aku tak call beritahu orang kot..". She said, "What?" "Nothing". Then I whished her well and good luck, and pray for her best in delivering and labouring. Maybe she bit offended and embarassed, or her purpose of calling me was achieved, so she made excuses to hung up. I told my mother about this, and my mother straightly said in laid-back that woman always feel proud of her achievement in having child, little did they know what the future holds for them, maybe the husband betraying them by getting married again or..we don't know..So remember before we feel proud or feel better than others, we don't know what happen in the future. Today is maybe our day, tomorrow maybe not. I'm not praying for bad things for a friend, but please be considerate before showing off things your friend not bestowed of. Same goes to married woman, don't be too excited telling our single friends on husband loving treatment to us. It may break their heart although they show their smile and telling us #tiljannah.
  •  
  • I never thought that I will be childfree for nearly 5 years. Wooohooo! It is achievement (maybe not good one, or maybe positive one,IDK) that I'm still strong until today. I thought I will be chidlfree for 3 or 4 years. It exceeds my expectation. I don't know if I will become a good mother. But I believed I will be a loving mother, I will show to him/her that he/she is special, but not necessarily be an arrogant. He/she is unique, but not necessarily centre of attention. He/she is brilliant, but not necessarily fast. He/she is strong, not necessarily underestimating others.
  •  
 
 
     

Monday, 18 August 2014

Healing body through Asma' ul Husna


They asked me who I loved? I gave them 99 names - Anonymous
 
 
 
It has been discovered by Doctor Ibrahim Karim (Biologist) that Asma ul Husna, most beautiful names of Allah (SWT) have healing power to a large number of diseases. He used precision methods in the measurement of energy within the human body and discovered that every one of the names of Allah (SWT) stimulates energy in the immune system of the human body to work efficiently in a certain ideal human body.

He discovered that the mere mention (reciting) of most beautiful names of Allah (SWT) leads to improvement in the tracks Bio Energy within the human body, and after a 3-years of research Doctor Ibrahim Karim reached to the following:
 
01. Ear – As Sami (The all Hearing)
02. Bone – Al Nafi (The creator of good)
03. Backbone – Al Jabbar (The Compeller)
04. Knee – Al Ra uf (The Clement)
05. Hair – Al Badi (The Originator)
06. Heart – Al Nur (The Light)
07. Muscles – Al Qawi (The All Strength)
08. Heart Waves – Al Wahab (The giver of All)
09. Heart Muscle – Al Razaqq (The Sustainer)
10. Nerve – Al Mughni (The Enricher)
11. Artery – Al Jabbar (The Compeller)
12. Stomach – Al Razaqq (The Sustainer)
13. Cancer – Al Jalil (The Mighty)
14. Thyroid – Al Jabbar (The Compeller)
15. Thigh- Al Rafi (The Exalter)
16. Migraine – Al Ghani (The Rich One)
17. Eye Arteries – Al Muta ali (The Supreme One)
18. Kidney – Al Hayy (The Ever Living One)
19. Colon – Al Ra uf (The Clement)
20. Intestine – Al Razzaq (The Sustainer)
21. Liver – Al Nafi (The creator of good)
22. Pancreas – Al Bari (The Make of Order)
23. Fatty Sacks – Al Nafi (The creator of good)
24. Womb – Al Khaliq (The Creator) 25. Bladder – Al Hadi (The Guide)
26. Rheumatism – Al Muhaymin (The Guardian)
27. Prostat – Al Rashid (The Righteous Teacher)
28. Nerves of the Eye – Al Zahir (The Manifest One)
29. Pineal Gland – Al Hadi (The Guide)
30. Blood Pressure – Al Khafed (The Abaser)
31. Lung – Al Razzaq (The Sustainer)
32. Thymus Gland – Al Qawi (The All Strength)
33. Gland above the Kidney – Al Bari (The Make of Order)
34. Hair Peel – Al Jalil (The Mighty)
35. The Nasal Cavities – (Al Latif, Al Ghani, Al Raheem)
36. Eye – (Al Nur, Al Basir, Al Wahab)
Method of treatment: Lay your hands on the place of pain and praise Allah (SWT) names above according to your disease until the pain heals or cure away Insha Allah.
Note: Please keep in mind whatever takes place in result of reciting the names of Allah (SWT) depends on the Will of Allah, the Almighty

Source: Healing through Quran

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IMO: I don't find the medical journal or the original source of the article from the Dr Ibrahim Karim, I want to read the original source, and to know the methodology and findings. I hope if any one of you found them, you can drop the link at comment section. Thank you.

Friday, 15 August 2014

How to Deal with Bitter Criticism by 'Aaidh Abdullah al-Qarni

 
 
 
Surely silence can sometimes be the most eloquent reply
-Sayyidina Ali ibn Thalib r.a.-


This is one of the interesting point in the book that I read now,(as promised to share with you), Don't be Sad (La Tahzan) by 'Aaidh ibn Abdullah al-Qarni (page 34-35) on how to deal with bitter criticism.

The important point in this excerpt is:
1) Turn away
2) Dismiss the criticism
- it increase our value and merit.

Still practicing it to achieve maximum optimism. InsyaAllah hopefully Allah grant me with preserverance and persistent.




Thursday, 14 August 2014

The evil inside me


Note:
This is an old draft. Apology for harsh words and emotional tone here. I need to let it go to indicate that I'm a human. That I'm in progress of becoming of better servant.

Surely there is in the body a small piece of flesh; if it is good, the whole body is good, and if it is corrupted, the whole body is corrupted, and that is surely the heart’.
(Prophet Muhammad PBUH)
-Sahih Bukhari-
 
 
 
The reason why I still in anonymity when talking about infertility is family. Family is sacred to me but I wrote about them several times here. Talking bad about them. In progress of being positive, of course there are people will test us up to our limit and boundary. There are many tips on how to deal with people like these out there, but for family, the tips sometimes is not applicable, because we dont want anyone to get offended.
 
 
I'm changing my attitude, in progress. Doakan semoga istiqamah.
 But deep inside, I know there is little evil inside me.
 
When my SIL gave birth a daughter last year, she blatantly asked me on my full fasting on Ramadan with proud smirk. At that time, I felt that it is so inappropriate to ask me that, due to the fact that she is also TTC for two years and underwent some treatments.
 
Furthermore, she is not friendly toward me, even with capacity of family. I am like a threat to her.
She will dine when I and husband had finished our eating/before we eat
She will locked herself in room when I/husband in living room watching TV
She will go out watching TV when I taking naps in room
If we a family went out, and happened that she and I sat next to each other, she will made distanced herself like we were on fight
When she saw I dressed up, she out of nowhere made comments that she is too lazy to dress up and dressing up is wasting time.
 
She married a year later after me and thought that she will be pregnant immediately, so she try to be friendly but apparently not so she resumed to her old behaviours. The way she looked at me like she is nervous if I get pregnant before her. She also kept asking husband secretly if i got pregnant - of course without my presence. She also always asked my husband what I'm cooking and also asked my parents in law what I bring to kampung. I also found that she is the favourite daughter of my parents is law. She is not beautiful compared to my other sister-in-laws. Despite she have a decent job, her appearance and her lifestyle is outdated. I always caught her look secretly to my face and my clothes with jealousy, and once after breakfast I saw her immediately went to mirror and scrutinized her face while others not aware of that. She used to try to wear like me but to no avail, even worse she looked like a maid, that one time she was proposed by a mother of school gardener.
 
Right after she gave birth and she asked me the stupid question, her mother in law also asking me the question and sneered at me for not getting children. I dont care about her mother in law but I was severely offended upon her question until now that I swore in my heart that I will not treat her kids well like I do to other nieces and nephews.
 
Guess what, after she gave birth, all the low self esteem and isolation are gone. She is confident now, outspoken, little bit bitchy, demanded, and extra friendly toward me that I found extra suffocating, even more when she full of herself that her daughter is so cute. This is because her presence in eveywhere I stand/I sit where she kept smooching, nagging affectionately, or rambling to her daughter in front of me. Those are so noisy to my ear because the other sister in laws are laid-back in entertaining their children. I know she make it purposely for me. Even when she is not dining with us, she will sit with her baby with us - doing the smooching, rambling or pretentious nagging, sometimes make porridge in front of us while the ingredients in the kitchen, and other more that I found blergh..
 
To make it worse, she always tag along with us when we going out (because her husband dont like to come to parents-in-law's home) and once traveled with us (the thing she always avoid before she gave birth). On travel, I was scolded by husband because of her delving into her baby bag and I went out in scorching hot. I was mad and not taking my lunch at that time, kept quiet, and not in the mood at all. Feel guilty, she asked me if I took my lunch, as usual with my stern voice for her other stupid question, I said No. Feel guilty she decided to tag along with other in-laws car. Great.
 
In our balik kampung, I was even shocked by her arrogance. Due to her light sleeper baby, a single noise will wake the baby up so she feel so exhausted to entertain her daughter, as the baby is quite active. So when other nieces and nephews balik kampung, they play together, giggles, kidding around and doing some activities. Due to this, she yelled and scolded the nieces and nephews to keep quiet because her baby cannot sleep. She did it twice or thrice I cannot count- in front of their parents, my other in-laws. They just kept quiet of her behaviour and asked their children to stay silent but I can saw that their face showing bitterness. I have no kids but I also got offended by that, due to the fact that she kept hugging and kissing those nieces and nephews before she have her own. Not only that, she thoughts her baby is so special that when her baby wanders or crawls mindlessly, she expects me to take her baby.
The evil inside me:
I ignored the baby, instead I hugged and kissed other nieces and nephews in front of her.
 
When she bathed her baby and wore her the cute clothes and sat close to me, she expects me to compliment her baby,
the evil inside me:
I ignored the baby, instead I compliments other nieces and nephews.
 
When she stirred porridge in front of me without purpose and looked at my face just want to see my reaction,
the evil inside me:
I ignored the porridge, I took my phone and browse internet.
 
When she purposely let her baby go to crawl to me,
the evil inside me:
I took my tab and read my e-book, or read newspaper.
 
When she expect me to greet her baby and kiss her before going back to our home,
the evil inside me:
I ignored her baby, only greet her and go straight to the car.
 
On travel, everybody forgot about her baby stroller, other in-laws said that their car boot  were full. So it leaves to husband's car. Husband on the other hand, forgot that there was stroller that need to be squeezed in the boot. She looked offended that everybody forgot about her baby stroller.
The evil inside me:
Great.  Nobody thought about your baby.
 
I found out at her parents-in-law's home, her baby is the first grandchildren so her baby is well-attended by her in-laws, but here everyone (my other in-laws) (except moi) have babies and children, and their kids also cute. So her arrogance and haughtiness is ignored here. Till one time she mentioned to her baby that, "hey, sana ramai orang layan boleh la mengada-ngada".
(The thing is her baby is quite active so everybody in the house were worn out to entertain her, so she sort of offended when our family not attending her baby like at her parents-in-law's home).
Maybe if she show me little compassion and being sensitive, I dont mind being a full-time babysitter. Big mistake sistah!
the evil inside me:
Oh, now she aware that nobody entertain her snobbiness and her baby. Great.
 
On family travel, she kept whining endlessly that having a child is exhausted. (because her husband not accompany her). She wants to eat with us due to hunger but she angry when nobody want to hold her baby while she is eating. I know she also making eye contact with me when whiningbecause I only have an 'empty baggage' but I ignored her. Other family members also ignored her baby because all of them were busy managing their children and all of us were worn out. Then, my brother-in-law refuted that not only a mother is tired, the driver also tired, husband also adding up, and mother-in-law spoke out that although she not bearing any babies, she also worn out.  And after that she stopped whining.
 
the evil inside me:
Oh woman, serve you right! Your whining got nowhere.
 
 
The recent she tag along again with us (duuh!) so when her baby poke me and tried to seize my satin tudung, I loose her fingers because I dont want my satin tudung to crumple. SIL then asked her baby to let go my tudung and said that she cannot wear shawls because her baby kept seize it. I just kept quiet. Not only that, husband told her that he cannot attending her baby because we dont have one and he is driving. So I add up, me too. I don't get used to have a baby. She said it is okay then and pretend telling her baby that 'nobody want to play with you'.
 
The evil inside me:
Great.
 
 
 
I don't know why I feel okay and happy doing that.
Thi is evil inside me.
I cannot being positive if I dont let it go and forgive her.
But in my defense, I still need time to forget. I need space to forgive myself of doing that.
In my defense, I also hug and kiss her baby but only when she is absent.
In my defense, if she not treated me like a threat, I will forget.
In my defense, her arrogance of bearing a cute child is blergh..She aware of that, she aware that she is nobody without her baby. Thus her haughtiness.
I hope I can forgive and forget.
And kill the evil inside me.

Edited:
In La Tahzan (Don't Be Sad) book by 'Aaidh al-Qarni, he said that Do not grieve when you are shown overt enminty, for if  you forgive and forget, you will have achieved nobility in this world and honor in the next. "But whoever forgives and make reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah" (42:40)


Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Yeay dapat update blog

 
 
Be patient. Be hopeful. No matter how dark the night is, daybreak will follow
-Mufti Menk-
 
 
  • Eid Mubarak to everyone. Dah lama tak mencoret di sini. There are a lot of things I want to share to you yet there are so many constraints. Apapun, I ask for your apology for my wrongdoing, if you feel offended by my writings/posts, believe me it is not meant to be offensive lebih2 lagi years before I selalu marah2 dan sindir-sindir mak-mak eksyen dan menyindir I, now dalam setahun dua ni dah kurang rasanya (Rasanya lah!). Minta maaf jika ada yang terasa jika I condemn sana-sini for things I take granted of.. Orang lain berbulan tak update tiba-tiba announce dah pregnant, while I'm here tak update sebab internet is not kind to me. Why la?!! . Oh and one more thing, I noticed most of the links I have in my blog semuanya dah ada baby.  Yang masih berusaha hanya beberapa kerat je..termasuklah si penulis..I know there are many blogs out there yang baru, but too busy to read, and most of them masih di peringkat depression lantaran usaha masih belum membuahkan hasil, dan baru setahun dua kahwin pula tu..Takpe dik.Usaha sampai berjaya.
  •  
  • My Raya? OK je la Alhamdulillah. Seminggu raya tak ada pun soalan sensitif tu. Tak ada. I know some relatives macam nak tanya, but then I made my poker face yang mematikan the urge to ask tuh. Ada la sorang sepupu ayah yang masa salam dengan orang lain selamat hari raya bagai but bila dia salam dengan I tiba-tiba dia buat muka sedih and buat muka simpati and doakan I. Not offended really but (readers out there -- on how to deal with your infertile friend/relatives) tak perlu buat macam tu. Treat us like a normal person. We all bukan pesakit terminally-ill yang menunggu masa kematian, infertility is not the end of the world. My respond - only wide smile and gelak je sebab lucu pula I rasa bila dia buat begitu. Patut sebut Ameen kan? Ah lupa pula. Rasa kelakar sebab mengenangkan pandainya la orang tua ni berlakon pada aku..boleh ubah mimik muka dan dialog on the spot..hihi..
  •  
  • Ini adalah tahun kelima Raya menjadi isteri so I think orang pun dah penat tanya kot. Sebab bila orang tanya, "Bila nak ada baby?" I just replied, "Tak tahu" (shrugged with stern voice). So soalan tu mati di situ. And bila orang tu balas balik, "ye la kan, belum rezeki lagi..", I balas "Tau tak pe" (also with poker face and stern voice). Plus I aware kalau orang tanya pun tak direct pada I, they will asked to my parents or parents in law or to my in laws. Ada juga bumped into my friend, dia tanya macam terkejut, "Berdua je ke?". Pun dengan poker face, "Ha,ah berdua". And I not bother to ask about her child. And it ends there.
  •  
  • And Alhamdulillah juga my body still maintain normal, bukan obese gemuk macam last year, but weight tak berubah. Pelik ah. Most of saudara mara semua menegur yang this year I dah kecil and cantik berbanding last year; dempak, tembam, besar. I cannot imagine la macam mana la gemuknya I last year. I thought tahun ni bila belasah makanan raya mesti badan naik, but Alhamdulillah again still maintain sebab mudah buang air besar. Dan juga I ambil makanan dalam small quantity, tapi mesti rasa semua. Minum madu (ada juga minum pati delima Ghulsan) setiap malam InsyaAllah esok pagi mudah buang air besar. Baju-baju semua masuk elok Alhamdulillah sangat.
  •  
  • One of thing yang buat I rasa I accept the Allah's decree adalah Allah kirimkan seseorang yang dah lama tak jumpa datang rumah parents before Ramadan haritu. My cousin (lelaki, not by blood, tapi by relationship sebab his mother adalah anak angkat my nenek) bumped into my mother kat rumah kenduri so my mother jemput ke rumah. Dia bawa isterinya dan ibubapa mertua serta seorang anak angkat berumur 4 tahun. My cousin actually is a divorcee so perkenalan mereka singkat before they get married. His wife Kak A pula adalah seorang berpangkat tinggi dalam bidang undang-undang, comel and happy go lucky tapi susah dalam jodoh, maka beliau menerima my cousin for marriage. Diuji lagi sekali, they not blessed with children.(On the other hand, my cousin dah ada 4 anak dengan bekas isteri dia). So dah 4 tahun kahwin, mereka ambil anak angkat lelaki, direcommend oleh kawan Kak A seorang doktor O&G. Budak tu dah besar dah pun. Now perkahwinan mereka menjangkau 9 tahun, and umur mereka pun dah mendekati hampir 40. So when my mother whining that I still not pregnant Kak A kata - kami still young boleh try lagi bukan macam dia dah expired (katanya sambil melawak). We also know the fact that adik Kak A pun have infertility problem, yang dah 7 tahun kahwin tapi masih belum punya anak. I looked and scrutinized Kak A, listened to all her chats sebab dia bit talkative, I realized that she embraces her life. Dia happy go lucky, cantik menjaga penampilan, chatty and suka ingat tarikh2 penting in her life. Cantik, berpendidikan tinggi, bergaji besar ribu ribu ribu but tested with soal jodoh lewat dan zuriat. "Which then of the bounties of your Lord will you deny'" (55:13). Her presence made me think kalau she can embraces life as it is, why I should not? Dia happy, why I'm not? Dia tak kisah bersuamikan seorang duda bergaji kecil and tak kisah pun ada anak angkat, why I care so much about that thing? She don't care if her life become talks of the town-- as if being infertile is a sin-- let people talk, and why should I care about people?  Lagipun suami, anak, harta, pendidikan, keluarga, wang simpanan, kecantikan, etc semuanya pinjaman dari Tuhan. Sekejap je hidup kita ni. Bila dia balik, I so wowed by her big vehicle, yang macam Alphard tu but not Alphard, tak ingat what is the car brand tapi besar gabak. Then bila dia balik, my mum pula merungut, "La..buat apa nak kereta besar2 bukan ada anak pun..?". So I replied, "Kenapa? Orang anak ramai je ke yang boleh pakai kereta besar? Orang tak ada anak pakai kereta Kancil, gitu? Dia mampu biarlah dia beli kereta besar, orang yang anak ramai Tuhan tak bagi pula kereta besar terpaksa berhimpit anak bergaduh kat belakang..". My mum stunned but actually I think dia cuma pelik je tengok kereta sebesar itu. haha.. 
  •  
  • Sememangnya her attendance and her presence made me think on how I should live in this world. Sampai bila nak meratap tak ada anak? Lagi 5 tahun? Lagi 10 tahun? Lagi 15 tahun? Sampai Abang Jamil mampus? Eh bosannya hidup kalau begitu. Bukan I sorang je tak ada anak. Plus, apa salahnya jika belum dikurniakan zuriat?  Bukan dosa. Lagipun life is not revolve around children. Ketidakhadiran anak dalam kehidupan sebenarnya memberi peluang kita meningkat amal untuk bekalan kita di dunia kekal abadi. Dunia yang ada ini sekarang ini yang kita duduk ni sementara sahaja. Sekejap je. Kenapa tak ada anak beri peluang untuk improve and increase our good deeds? Dalam hadis sahih ada dinyatakan 3 amalan tidak putus pahalanya : Sedekah jariah, ilmu yang bermanfaat dan doa anak yang saleh. Disebabkan tiadanya anak, maka saya harus mengejar dua lagi amalan yang menjadi investment untuk menambah saham di akhirat kelak selain dari amalan wajib, sunat dan fardhu kifayah.
  •  
  • Of course there are times (especially before AF/being asked with annoying questions/sarcasm) yang buat kita rasa depressed and melancholic sangat2. Sedih sebab life is not according to our plan. And of course there are people yang akan label us not being the 'perfect woman'. Benda ni merebak ke laman sosial dan media. I pernah tengok satu rancangan ni, this lady ni baru 2 tahun kahwin and dia buat IUI & IVF sebab dia kata "bukan perempuan sempurna kalau tak rasa mengandung, bersalin dan berpantang". I believe Facebook friend pun ada yang tulis macam tu kan? I banyak kali baca kat Facebook/Twitter/IG/Whatsapp, bila ada wanita mengadu lenguh pinggang dan bengkak kali, there will be comments like this "Bukan semua wanita dapat nikmat sakit yang Tuhan bagi tu, kita ni orang beruntung.." .. So means kita orang malang? Kita tak sempurna? Itu label dari siapa? Dari orang biasa.Yang anak mereka belum tentu saleh, dan belum tentu jadi jambatan dia ke syurga. Label tersebut bukan dari Allah dan bukan dari Rasulullah PBUH. Jadi jika ada yang mengatakan demikian kepada kita, jawab saja, "Jadi Siti Aisyah & isteri2 Nabi Muhammad yang lain tu tak sempurna ke? Mereka pun tidak berzuriat". Tambah lagi pedas, "tak baca sirah Nabi ke?" Erk..Dan jika in real life ada kawan2 yang asyik tanya/sindir pasal anak ni, jauhkan la diri. Pujuk diri dengan doa contohnya, "Tuhanku aku bukan buat kerana ingin memutuskan silaturahim, tetapi menjaga hatiku dari menyumpah dan membenci saudaraku itu. Moga dia berubah, Tuhan".
  •  
  • Rasanya past couple of years are not good years to me. Terlalu banyak ujian yang diterima tanpa disangka-sangka, membuatkan I terlupa seketika usaha TTC. Adalah sikit2 but not the significant one. Dan terasa betapa kecilnya ujian belum berzuriat ini. Betapa Tuhan Maha Mengetahui.
  •  
  • I ada jumpa satu couple ni - kawan husband dua-duanya. Cantik dan hensem bagai pinang dibelah dua. Asyik ralitnya I tengok diorang berdua tu like they were made for each other, living a good life but tested with zuriat. Since we both not a mother, the talk mostly on career and assets. My husband punya kawan2 ramai yang belum dikurniakan zuriat, compared to my friends, I boleh kira dengan jari siapa kawan2 I yang belum berzuriat. Husband punya rakan serumah dari zaman university sampailah rakan serumah masa kerja, boleh kira siapa yang dah berzuriat. Sampaikan I pernah bergurau dengan dia, "eh you dengan kawan2 you semua tak subur ke hapa, semua bini2 theyolls tak beranak.." Husband sengih je, shrugged "entah kenapa entah".
  •  
  • Now I'm reading La Tahnzan (Don't be Sad) by 'Aaidh ibn Abdullah al-Qarni published by International Islamic Publishing House. Buku ini adalah best sangat. Sesuai sangat untuk semua lebih-lebih lagi kita yang sering terasa lelah dengan ujian begini. Bukan setakat mencerita tentang sedih, diletakkan juga panduan bagaimana menghadapi kritikan, the arguments mainly from Quran and Sunnah, dan juga wise sayings from sahabah and ulama' and Western wise people too. Jika tiada constraint, akan share with you the excerpt from the book. Ada 476 pages semuanya and I baru baca mukasurat ke 156. Every words sangat 'kena' dengan kita.  
  •  
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Later! (akan tulis lagi jika ada internet connection laju.) Oh sedihnya capaian internet laju adalah perkara asasi manusia sebenarnya. Huhuhu..
 

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Keazaman

Some people succeed because they are destined, but most because they are determined-Anonymous



Actually masa mengurut, makcik urut tu selalu menekankan tentang keazaman, doa dengan kesungguhan dan dari hati, solat Dhuha dan baca surah Waqiah selalu..Tapi paling banyak dia membebel pada I adalah keazaman.

Sebab dia kata dia tak nampak keazaman untuk dapat anak pada diri I. Like I langsung seolah-olah berserah pada takdir tanpa usaha yang kuat. 

I tell my mother about this, and mother also mengiyakan kata kata makcik urut tu- bahawa I tak ada keazaman dan kegigihan untuk dapat anak.

Mula- mula memang I tak setuju langsung, I cakap keazaman benda tak nampak macamana orang boleh nak ukur, keazaman ada dalam diri dan kita je yang tahu betapa tinggi keazaman tu. Macam macam lagi lah my defense sebab rasa usaha selama ni macam dipandang enteng je. 

Then ulang mengurut pun makcik urut cakap benda yang sama. Sampai la I stop kejap mengurut sebab I busy sikit, and rasa tak tahan sebab dia mengurut sakit, sampaikan mother mula cari tukang urut lain, sebab dia dengar dari kawan dia yang makcik urut i pergi tu memang semua orang tau dia mengurut sakit. 

Sakit ok, sebab masa first time dia urut dan sengkak I demam dan bentan. Semalam I mula mengurut balik sebab I now that my peranakan jatuh,sakit lutut dan sengal badan. And semalam dia ulang lagi perkara yang sama. Tentang keazaman. And I pun tengah sakit bentan ni sebab dia kata badan I lenguh, banyak buat kerja, banyak fikir dan of courselah dia tahu I ada buat kerja berat sebab dia urut dan sengkak dia tahu yang peranakan memng jatuh balik. 

I bagitahu pada family, and my family pula terus terang cakap yang they all pun agree with makcik urut, adik I siap cakap bagi analogi keazaman nak anak dengan keazaman nak habiskan pengajian. Dia kata kalau lah seseorang pelajar tu takde keazaman nak habiskan pengajian, mesti dia selalu ponteng kelas, buat assignment sambil lewa, etc. Sama juga kalau nak pregnant.

Mula-mula memang menyampah mendengarnya, like - dah la susah lekat, family pun tak sokong I...sadis..but then memang I akui, bahawasanya memang i kurang keazaman untuk mendapatkan anak.

Bila I blogwalking semula rakan2 TTC punya blog, I sedar in the past two years, i dah tak jumpa doktor untuk tahu perkembangan dalam badan I. Alasannya kewangan la, komitmen dalam pengajian la, ada kerja lain la, etc. But bila fikir semula, memang I jauh ketinggalan. TTCian lain kumpul duit buat IUI, I and husband sibuk beli barang rumah (sebab baru nak stable lepas pindah tahun lepas), beli new furniture,  pergi makan sedap2 konon tahun lepas duit habis migrate so bila duit lebih nak merasa lepak kat fancy restaurants macam orang kaya. Langsung tak ada arah untuk usaha mendapatkan anak unless I ada beli supplements and eat cleaning by sunnah diet tu. 

And one more thing, kadang2 I rasa terlalu selesa berdua dan bersenang lenang sampaikan rasa sayang keselesaan itu jika ditradeoffkan dengan kehadiran baby. Husband pula sejak2 akhir ni barulah beliau ada perasaan untuk TTC tu, alasannya dia kesian kat I selalu marah2 pada orang yang dok tanya annoying questions tu. And dia kata both of us dah 30 so dah boleh planning utk dapat anak. Sebelum ni dia just ikut rentak I and tak bother pun hal2 TTC sebab for the same reason, dia selesa. Ada one day, he fetched and sent dua orang kakak dia dengan anak2 sedara yang masih kecil. Dia kata, bila ada anak ni, semua benda jadi lambat, time consuming sebab semua masa kena compatible with anak. So, kat situ he got the idea of carpe diem. Well satu hal pun, kanak2 adalah sangat adorable bila mereka in good mood, but bila they throwing tantrums semua orang macam lepas tangan sebab dah tak adorable dah.hahaha.. But ye la, membesarkan a human being is not easy job, but for us yang living childfree ni memang susah for us to understand the need and necessity of little human ni. 

I also admit bila ada duit lebih sikit, otak tu tak tergerak pun untuk usaha dapat anak. Orang lain siap jual kereta or buat loan utk buat IVF, kumpul duit untuk IUI, set aside some money untuk appointment doktor, etc. Bagi I, rasa rugi duit tu untuk tujuan itu sebab kononnya tak pasti success or not. I mesti fikir nak beli baju baru untuk pergi situ sini, kenduri situ sini, or at least beli online dengan alasan nak buat tukar2, ataupun alasan paling win - badan i dah naik, i need new baju!, kadang2 beli tudung warna sama fabrik je berbeza, alasan - yang chiffon utk majlis formal, yang cotton untuk casual. OK konsep ni macam tak berapa bagus dalam aspek keazaman. 

Makcik urut tu memang asyik membebel pasal keazaman I. Dia kata i datang sekali sekala, patutnya urut every week or every month before ovulation. Dia kata ada orang yang mengurut sama jangka masa dengan i pun dah pregnant. And ada orang datang urut dengan dia pukul 4.30pagi evey week. Itu lah keazaman. 

Ya memang I mengaku I kurang keazaman. The ugly truth. Entah la. Ego and pride menguasai diri, kononnya I boleh pregnant easily sebab I and husband have no problems of infertility. Tapi itu lah, Tuhan suka hambaNya yang merayu padaNya dan berusaha. Senang cerita I salah konsep, berserah pada takdir dan mengarapkan keajaiban, tanpa usaha dan azam yang kuat, lepas tu mengamuk pada orang yang tanya the annoying question tu. 

And now I pun berazam untuk usaha dapatkan anak. Now after period, walaupun sakit badan sebab kena sengkak but I gagahkan juga untuk set aside some money, tenaga dan masa untuk berurut for 3 days beturut2. Harapnya dipermudahkan cycle kali ini. Mungkin lepas ni ada usaha lain menyusul, but for now I nak eat clean dulu, sbb I takut la pula dengar kes diabetes, i saw banyak orang sebaya i kena appointment doktor every month to pantau level gula. Masa kenduri haritu semua orang tegur i berisi,gemuk or whatnots but now i dah susut sebab tak berapa kisah pasal makan, and terkesan kot kalau dah separuh tetamu asyik kondem my body, and my mother pun catu makanan i, tulang leher dah kelihatan semula, badan kelihatan tinggi semula instead of dempak, and makcik urut cakap, "untung kau, duduk rumah pun badan maintain.."(yahoo! Padahal dia tak tengok masa dua minggu sebelumnya). Memang seronok gila bila pakai baju and i feel good. I harap nak kurus lagi nak reduce 6 kg untuk dapat berat badan ideal, supaya kelihatan hot di Syawal nanti. eh tak, supaya i mudah untuk berTTC jika berat badan ideal. Ha tengok kan dah divert intention tuh.

Keazaman mana keazaman?!

Sunday, 25 May 2014

Awak sangat baik AF - benda kecil pun hiba sangat.



Lama tak menaip di sini. Sebab tak ada apa apa treatment yang I buat kecuali cuba mengamalkan pemakanan Sunnah. Rasanya I was affected by Cik Kaki punya entry on Sunnah dieting, so I bought buku Rasulullah is My Doctor. Di situ banyak info menarik. Ada juga info on TTC. Caranya adalah:

Gosokkan madu asli di sekitar kawasan gigi, merangkumi langit2, dinding gusi dan area2 lain dalam mulut sebelum tidur. Dikatakan ada pasangan non -Muslim yang TTC bertahun so Dr. Grey suruh buat macam ni and beberapa bulan kemudian, the wife tu pregnant. Madu dalam celah mulut tu supaya masa tidur, air liur kita merembeskan element bagus dalam madu ke dalam badan.

Perkara ini sangat logik sebab kalau selalu tonton video dari Ustaz Syarhan Shafie di Tanyalah Ustaz TV9 pun beliau menegaskan madu adalah makan terbaik bagi semua penyakit lebih lebih lagi dalam usaha mendapatkan anak atau ada period pain.


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I frankly dah bosan membaca pasal mulut masyarakat tentang inability of procreation immediately after marriage, bukan bosan bila warga TTC meluahkan perkara tu, tapi bosan dengan sikap masyarakat yang judgemental. Like, dah 2014 kot, takkan masih nak menggelakkan orang tak kahwin, orang tak beranak, orang kahwin cerai kahwin cerai, orang pakai kereta lama tak tukar baru, etc. Masing-masing yang menggelakkan tu belum pergi Haji, tak pergi masjid surau, hidup kacau bilau, hutang menimbun sana sini tapi iya la benda yang melibatkan production of human ni perkara asas kot, sebab tu la masyarakat kita pun suka sangat hal seks tak gitu produk2 tegang kendur kuat longlai menjadi2 dalam masyarakat. Kopi jantan, kopi janda, kopi 30 juzuk Quran, semua benda mengaitkan keupayaan seks. Konon seks perkara taboo dalam masyarakat tapi kalau tengok mentaliti, carian Google dan produk macam tak taboo pun. (Tapi bukan semua masyarakat Melayu la--kena tulis statement ni nanti ada orang obtuse kurang faham konteks).

Dalam sebulan tak update ni, my parents buat kenduri tahlil dan Yasin so jemput ahli keluarga dan jiran tetangga serta jemaah surau. Kehadiran 300 orang juga. So boleh dikatakan 1/4 dari tetamu menanyakan hal dalam perut I. Ada my uncle anak dia baru pregnant setahun baru lekat tanya I:
"Kamu bila nak mengandung, sepupu2 kamu semua dah beranak pinak, uncle tahun depan pun nak ada dah ni, uncle punya anak sedara yang darah kuat keturunan kita kamu la"
"Tak tahu la uncle" (jawab dengan senyuman paling manis sbb I sayang uncle ni dia baik).
"Kamu cepat la ada anak nanti cucu uncle dengan cucu ayah kamu darah kuat.."
"Entah la uncle. Tak tahu." (alahai, nak kukuhkan keturunan rupanya tapi tak apa la).
Ini masih OK.

Then my cousin yang baru beranak pula tak pasal2 letakkan baby dia pada I walaupun I tak nak. But then I petend that I dont know how to hold baby, so lepas dia ambil semula baby dia I beredar je, walaupun I dengar ada my aunty yang suruh pegang lama bagi lekat. Well, my cousin tu dulu mulutnya laser juga dan suka gelakkan orang sana sini, now dah slow sikit sebab ada tragedi yang menimpa hidupnya, low profile katanya sampai tutup akaun FB bagai. Now bila dah sempurna balik kehidupannya, hidup low profile is forgotten. At least dia tak cakap apa2 depan I yang menyakitkan hati. Who knows kan kalau dia say something, I will bring back her past. Sometimes ada sebab atas semuanya berlaku, kalau ujian my cousin tu buat dia lebih baik, why not kan? 
Ini masih OK.

Sama juga dengan kita, kalaulah ujian ini boleh buat I becoming a better Muslim, I embrace it and I thank Allah for this. Sometimes I wonder jika I bunting pelamin, mungkin I pun never understand ujian2 dalam hidup manusia dan mungkin I adalah salah seorang yang tanya anda semua "You bila lagi?!"

Then ada juga aunty tegur my weight- sbb they said I'm huge sangat. Then I berseloroh, next year la saya kurus, next year saya kerja or buat PhD saya kurus la. Sekarang tengah relax"
"Neet year nak kurus entah2 dah berdua"
Then I duduk di muka pintu nak makan.
"Eh janganlan makan kat situ."
"Jangan risau, saya dah kawin.."
"Eh tak semestinya belum kahwin je, yang tunggu baby pun tak boleh.."
"Saya tak mengandung..tengah datang bulan..." 
"Alahai lurusnya la engkau ni..."
Ini masih OK.

Not only family, tetamu from surau and neighbours taught parents organized the kenduri to announce my pregnancy. They touched my belly kata I pregnant, so I cakap la Tak. Then they said Eh janganlah cakap macam tu, mana tau sekarang tengah ada awak tak sedar..I said, "tak la. Tengah period.".
Awkward silence. Ini masih OK.

Ada juga sok sek sok sek kawan2 my parents tanya my mother, sebab they expect I pregnant kononnya perut I naik. Mother proudly told them, "Tak la. Itu boroi, sbb dia gemuk."
Ini masih OK.


You know la kan yang I not children friendly. Anak buah I belah husband pun takut nak dekat dengan I, I know one of my SIL kecil hati I tak nak main dengan anak dia but then serve her right sebab dia pun TTC 2 years, bila lepas bersalin boleh pula dia tanya right on my face --if I fasting Ramadan in full month.Booom!
Ini tak OK. Memang I swore in my heart I tak nak play around with her child sampai I boleh lupakan kata2  dia. Peduli la kecil hati ke apa ke, sometimes I happy doing that and I rasa tak berdosa pun tak pegang the kid, unless she/he is orphan barulah mengikut sunnah Rasulullah.Gitu kekdahnya. But in my defense, I need time to forget it.

Pagi after kenduri, I took photos with cousins yang baru 5 dan 8 tahun. Maybe I looked friendly because I took selfie with them, the first question they asked was "Kak, akak tak ada baby lagi"
"Tak ada"
"Dalam perut tak ada ke?"
"Tak ada"
"Kenapa tak ada?"
"Tak tahu" ( sambil angkat bahu dan senyum innocent).
And they looked so bewildered. 
Bummer. This is not OK. 
Sebab their mother everytime we met mestilah dia tanya if I'm pregnant or not, padahal dia sendiri TTC for 13 years untuk dapat 2nd child. And not to mention, badan dia sendiri is obese due to her bad eating pattern and drugs masa TTC dulu. This is not OK.

But I can easily forget, sebab dah empat tahun setengah ni, rasanya dah immune and tak de apa sangat la sebab I pun malas nak layan. Entah macamana, one day I tertengok photo in Facebook (padahal jarang log in) the baby bump of (ex)TTCian yang sama hari nikah dengan I, with caption yang obviously nak bagi tahu she is heavily pregnant. Initially I know her pregnancy but tak ada lah rasa apa sangat sebab most of the time pun she like to show off, but tak kisahlah itu her preference I dont mind sangat pun sbb I pun seldomly on FB, but photo haritu serta merta membuatkan daku meratap hiba, kerana tanpa disedari, I telah mengusap my own belly!

Ciss!!

Poignant sangat, macam la tak pernah tengok more than that.

Thank you Aunt Flow kerana awak sangat baik.



Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Expanding audience: How About Blook on TTC?

Blook:
A blog turned into a book (Do You Wear Suspenders: The Wordy Tales of Eh Poh Nim, by Lydia Teh, 2009)

A book that contains the contents from blog (Wikipedia, Web definition)


Nowadays, the blook tumbuh bagai cendawan, I think the first blook I read is Rantings by MM from Marina Mahathir, and also Blogging to Unblock by Tun Dr. Mahathir Muhammad. Now, memang banyak blook dari prominent bloggers yang telah terbit, which I like very much. Contohnya like Desaturasi Merah Jambu by Lady Noe, books from Hamka Kereta Mayat, dan banyak lagi. Yang terbaru saya baca adalah Bimbo Taman Suicide from NeemoNeemo. And banyak pula independent publisher yang publish these books like Terfaktab Media, Dubok Press, Lejen Press, Sang Freud, Studio Anai Anai, etc.

I have an idea that we TTC community also should have our own blook. Konsep yang I think will be interesting maybe like macam buku Makan Dalam by Terfaktab Media (correct me if I'm wrong). Tak silap buku tu adalah hasil penulisan dari prominent bloggers yang dikumpulkan menjadi satu blook.

Objectives of our blook maybe like this:
1) reaching bigger target audience, i.e. offline
2) creating awareness among society on the issue of infertility
3) propagating to the society and media of the fertility issue
4) enhance understanding among society of the infertility issue
5) lain lain lagi boleh tambah sendiri

The blook maybe kita boleh buat satu buku tebal sikit (tapi the price maybe mahal sedikit I afraid people do not want to buy it, after all kita nak create awareness to bigger target audience kan..) or buku agak nipis dalam 200 -300 pages dalam pocket size so that orang boleh carry in any size of bags. Kalau banyak sangat essay yang bagus or if the blook get high demand, maybe the TTC community boleh publish for second series selang setahunnya. Or maybe boleh ditranslatekan ke Bahasa Inggeris so that people yang kurang mahir Bahasa melayu or foreigners boleh beli juga, or maybe will turned into ebook so that people can purchase through online. (Wah besarnya angan).

The blook maybe compiled our best writings in our own blog dalam 30/40 short essay yang mana boleh merangkumi every issues in infertility, contohnya the waiting game, 2ww, endless appointments, drugs and injection, emotional and financial struggling, the procedure of IUI/IVF, HSG, alternative treatment, diet, spiritual,everything under the sun of infertility issue.

Ataupun we can write our own essay/s and kita hantar pada editor to value our essays and pick the best to be compiled. Banyak kan buku macam konsep macam ni.

So maybe bila the blook dah published, the TTC community boleh promote pada orang lain or beli dan bagi hadiah pada orang lain. (Lebih2 lagi pada  si mulut lancang. Hehe).

I have no knowledge of publishing books, so I don't know which publisher yang boleh terima this kind of issue, i.e. infertility. And disebab kan the blook ramai contributor, I don't know anything about honorarium or royalty, or maybe sumbang pada TTC Group? And how to select editor to value the essays, and how to select the proofreader, how to select the the best image on the blook cover to represent the TTC issues? I memang tak tahu langsung so anyone of you yang tahu mungkin boleh sumbang ideas.

One of thing yang I terfikir juga adalah tone atau gaya bahasa dalam that blook. Adakah tone blook ini melancholic, poignant, humorous like 999Reasons to Laugh at Infertility, or sarcacism, or berbunyi superti esei akademik with footnote or reference, or monotone to inform the reader of our struggle, or maybe campur2 dek kerana semua contributor adalah penulis berbeza. Entah.

This blook tak adalah idea gempak or project mega sangat cuma ia lebih kepada reaching bigger  target audience with hard copy, bukan untuk populariti or being recognized, just notice the isu pun dah cukup ok. I think dah sampai masanya we come out from our closet and demand society to respect us more, not belittle us dan juga saya berharap wanita tidak diadili dengan
procreation semata mata sebab we are more than our uterus.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

My interpretation of a poem by Sweet Tooth

 
 
Poetry is what gets lost in translation. 
-Robert Frost-
 
 
I think this poem by Sweet Tooth (Buat insan yang diuji..Berbahagialah) sangat related dengan diri ini. And I love poem as well sebab poem is the arrangement of words and sentences yang open to interpretation. Sesiapa boleh interpret the poem mengikut tafsiran masing-masing. And I love poem yang separa tersirat sebab lebih indah, instead of poem tersurat or poem with extreme abstractiveness. Iwill try to interpret the poem with my own interpretation dan juga explanation from other sources.
 
 
Buat insan yang diuji,
Apa jua ujian yg menimpa mu,
Sesungguhnya...
Itu adalah tanda engkau manusia yang terpilih,
Berbahagialah..
 
--> Ada kalanya, seorang hamba yang beribadah dan berusaha mencapai tahap tertentu tidak mampu mencapainya. Mungkin dia kurang istiqamah ataupun kurang khusyuk. Bagi membantunya mencapai tahap yang dikehendakinya itu, Allah memberikan musibah kepadanya sebagai ujian. Apabila dia reda, dapatlah dia mencapai tahap itu. (Muhammad Salleh, PhD, p.47)




Jika kau mahu menangis kerana kecewa,
Biarkan air mata itu luruh untuk mengubat luka...
Air mata itu hadiah dari Allah buat mu...
Semoga terlerai kekusutan perasaan mu.

--> Shaytan wants you to dwell on your moment of weakness, Allah wants you to repent and move on (Saad Tasleem) (Islamiclectures)



Namun...
Jangan biar air mata itu membanjiri hatimu,
Dengan rasa kemarahan atas apa yang berlaku,
Jangan biar air mata itu membajai hatimu,
Dengan rasa putus asa dengan Rahmat Tuhan mu,
Lebih baik air mata itu ditangisi,
Dengan diiringi doa dan pengharapan kepada Ilahi,
Usai tahajjud di sepertiga malam,
Kerana itulah sumber kekuatan,
Ketika kita ditimpa ujian

--> Saya sudah menghuraikan keistimewaan solat tahajud dalam bab terdahulu. Namun bagi menyegarkan kembali ingatan kita sekali lagi saya kemukan kata-kata Nabi berikut, "Setiap dua pertiga malam terakhir, Allah turun ke langit dunia sambil berseru, "Hambaku yang malam ini menjauhkan rusuknya dari tempat tidur kerana mendirikan solat tahajud, aku berasa malu kepadanya sekiranya aku tidak mengampunkan dosanya, mengabulkan doanya dan memberikan apa yang mereka minta.".Solat sunat yang utama selepas solat fardu adalah solat tahajud." (Muhammad Salleh, PhD, p.82)



Buat insan yang diuji,
Janganlah kau harapkan kepada manusia,
Untuk merubah isi hati mereka,
Pasti kau akan kecewa dan merana,

--> I secretly salute to those who are just smiling or brush off the condemn or nasty remarks or stupid questions by inconsiderate people.  It shows that your maturity and high respect of wisdom and attitude. *Drop my hats off*. As Nouman Ali Khan said, "When a dog is barking, there is no wisdom in barking back. When people start talking obnoxiously and ignorantly the worst thing you could do is respond. We have to learn to recognize a bark for a bark and intellectual criticism an intellectual criticism".

Credit Instagram acc: @Muslimlifelessons


 
Sebaliknya...
Sampaikan pengharapan mu kepada Pemilik hati-hati manusia,
Dialah Allah yang Maha Esa,
Yang Memegang hati-hati insan,
Yang Membolak Balikkan hati-hati mereka,
Dengan Kekuasaan Nya...

--> " Maka saudara memerlukan cara yang tepat bagi menstabilkan keyakinan saudara. Keyakinan yang stabil membuatkan semua keinginan dalam doa saudara terkabul. Bagaimanakan caranya?

Merasakan keinginan itu sudah diperkenankan Tuhan! Kita seolah-olah melihat, mendengar dan merasakan doa-doa kita telah dimakbulkan, lalu kita terus bersyukur. Contohnya saudara membeli sesuatu yang sudah dibayar. Sudah tentu saudara dan penjual rasa bahagia.

Mudah, bukan? Inilah yang disebut sebagai afirmasi diri iaitu membayangkan perkara yang belum terjadi, kemudian benar-benar terjadi dalam hidup saudara. Hasilnya, kebahagian semakin bertambah. Kita bahagia kerana merasakan keinginan kita sudah terwujud dan kesyukuran yang kita tunjukkan juga bertambah.

Cubalah! Ketika hendak berdoa, kuatkan keyakinan yang doa saudara pasti dimakbulkan. Langkah seterusnya adalah melantunkan keinginan-keinginan saudara dengan tegas. Jangan ragu-ragu. Arahkan fikiran dan perasaan pada keinginan-keinginan itu. Sekali lagi, ucapkan dengan tegas dalam hati saudara. Jangan ada putus asa ataupun kecewa sesuai dengan pesan Qurani (la taiasu min rauhillah). Sekali lagi, saya ingin tegaskan supaya saudara ucapkan kalimat-kalimat yang mengandungi makna tegas, positif beserta keyakinan mendalam. Elakkan membaca doa seperti ini, "Ya Tuhan ampunilah aku jika Engkau suka. Ya Tuhan rahmatilah aku jika Engkau suka." Sebaliknya sebutlah permintaan saudara, sesungguhnya saudara tidak pernah memaksa. (Direkodkan oleh Bukhari dan Muslim) (Rusdin R. Rauf, p.88-89)


Credit: Invite to Islam


Buat insan yang diuji,
Janganlah kau kecewa sekiranya keinginanmu tidak dipenuhi,
Kerana sesungguhnya,
Pengetahuan mu sangat terbatas,
Dan Tuhan mu tidak mungkin akan menzalimi mu,
Malahan kerana Rahmat dan Rahim Nya lah,
Ketentuan yang diberikan itu adalah yang terbaik buatmu.


--> "Besar kemungkinan, doa kita belum termakbul kerana Tuhan mencintai kita. Tuhan tidak mahu melihat kita kesusahan jika doa itu dikabulkannya. Dengan kata lain, apa yang kita sangka baik, belum tentu baik untuk diri kita. Sebaliknya apa yang kita benci, mungkin perkara terbaik dalam hidup kita." (Ibid, p. 34)



Buat insan yang diuji,
carilah hikmah dalam musibah,
Tanamkanlah sabar dan redha,
nescaya buah-buah ketenangan akan berputik,
Bilamana hati mu percaya,
Allah sentiasa bersama...


--> "Hakikat syukur adalah mengakui nikmat Tuhan dan menggunakannya bertepatan dengan keredhaanya. Manakala hakikat sabar pula ada tenang di bawah kekuasaan takdir tanpa mengeluh di hadapan makhluk dan putus asa pada kurniaan Tuhan" (Ibnu Ad-Diba' Asy-Syaibani, Mukaffiratudz-Dzunub wa Mujibatul Jannah) (Ibid, p.65)
 
Credit: link


Buat insan yang diuji,
Berbahagialah,
Kerana Allah sedang mengampunkan dosamu,
Berbahagialah,
Kerana Allah sedang menaikkan darjatmu,
Berbahagialah!
Kerana Allah memilihmu untuk diuji.

--> Prophet Muhammad PBUH said: "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials" (Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 70, Number 548)

--> One who does not suffer from sorrow should fear he could not be from the people of Jannah because Allah SWT says about the believers when they enter into Jannah, "Praise to Allah, who has removed from all of us (all) sorrow. Indeed, our Lord is Forgiving and Appreciative"(35:34) (Ibrahim at-Taymee)


Credit: Intagram account : @purifythenafs





Reference:
Muhammad Salleh PhD. (2011), Pesona Solat Tahajud, Kuala Lumpur: PTS Millenia Shd Bhd.
Rusdin S. Rauf (2009), Quranic Law of Attraction, Kuala Lumpur: PTS Millenia Sdn Bhd.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Mind-setting dan anggapan tentang anak.




You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Franklin P. Jones


I have a confession here. I have a negative mindsetting toward babies, toddler or children. I used to think that having babies in marriage will change my world. I used to think that babies will limit my ambition and my activities.
 
Kadang-kadang, bila fikir semula, bolehkan sesuatu institusi kekeluargaan berfungsi tanpa kehadiran anak-anak. I have a mindsetting that I cannot become a good mother as my mother, sebab I tak pandai masak sangat - so macamana nak masak untuk beri makanan pada anak. My mother pandai masak and rajin masak - we eat about 5 times a day, kalau tea time, beliau akan buat macam-macam kuih. Dan akan bertukar-tukar juadah lauk pauh dan kuih muih dengan jiran-jiran who also a full time housewife. Can I do that?
 
I tak pandai jaga kanak- so macamana kalau dia nangis waktu malam or macamana nak pegang dia elok-elok. I tak pernah nak volunteer nak pegang or dukung anak-anak buah or anak-anak kawan. What if I tak ada susu? What if I tak faham apa the babies tu nak? What if kalau I nak bawa dia jalan-jalan ke shopping complex? What if kalau etc etc etc. Can I do that?
 
I tak pandai bab-bab hal rumahtangga - I wonder bolehkan my house will be squeaky clean dengan kehadiran anak-anak - sebab I'm a bit clean freak, sebab kalau ikutkan my mother, beliau memang ajar kami adik beradik untuk bergolek-golek dan bermain di ruang TV, but not living hall. It's like living hall and main dining room tu untuk guest je, hence kusyen-kusyen di living hall and di dining room sangatlah empuk walaupun dah 20 tahun. To prove that, pernah I and siblings main kejar-kejar polis sentri then kami terlajak berlari dalam rumah, then my adik terpecahkan pasu bunga. Before mother rotan kami, adik menangis dulu sebab takut mak rotan. My mother also a good tailor, same goes to mak jiran-jiran lain. Mother sometimes sew me skirts and baju-baju.Sometimes jiran-jiran ada mengait buat lapik meja and bekas tumbler plus lapik TV then beri pada kami, so as exchange, mother jahitkan tudung or anything wearable untuk anak-anak jiran. Can I do that?
 
Badan I lembik dan 'lemau' - Kalau I letih sikit, I memang akan jatuh sakit. Lama pula tu, kadang-kadang sampai seminggu. Kalau I buat kerja lebih sikit, I will have fever for a week. Macam ada haritu my parents in law nak pergi Hajj so ada kenduri, I tolong-tolong la basuh periuk belanga dan tupperware besar, angkat kerusi dan meja sikit, dan tolong menyapu sikit, bukan kerja berat pun, tapi esoknya I demam sebab penat. Kalau I kerja pun, kalau terlalu banyak kerja - for sure I akan MC lepas tu sebab demam teruk sebab letih sangat. Kalau pergi bercuti yang sight-seeing like jalan-jalan, bukan penat pun happy je sebab dapat jalan tapi balik je terus demam teruk. Mother always said to me, "macamana la kau nak beranak, kalau penat sikit terus sakit..". I also wonder how some mummies can manage 4, 5 orang anak and handle their antics. Can I do that?
 
Being a good mother - being a mother is easy, but how about being a good mother? I wonder bolehkan I berikan yang terbaik untuk anak-anak I. Berikan ilmu dunia dan akhirat, mendidik mereka menjadi insan berguna.
 
Being an active woman - I love to do activities, last two years and year before I and husband involved in under water diving (and other water sports like parasailing, snorkeling,flying fish, etc),we explore caves, we travelled by car and bus 16 - 26 hours for a journey, and many more. I plan to have a Eurotrip by backpacking, I sometimes wonder if I can do these if I have babies?
 
These mindsetting juga I believe is one of the factor contributing to my infertility. Punya la takut, masa awal-awal perkahwinan I ambil pil sebab takut mengandung (link) If other woman rasa happy bila period terlewat, I in fact rasa cuak and nervous. I cuak and nervous about everything -- how about money for aqiqah, money for baby preparation, money for birth and delivery, money ro clothe, how about mylife, where to find babysitter, how to achieve career success, and so on..And for sure lepas cuak confirm akan turun darah haid. And rasa lega sebab belum pregnant. But then I rasa gila betul perasaan tu. Sebab I pun hendak ada anak-anak. Teringin nak pegang anak sendiri, nak jalan dengan anak sendiri, ambil gambar dengan anak sendiri, nak pegang tangan anak sendiri. This is so contradicting.
 
I told mother and father about this. They told me that anak tu rezeki. Kadang-kadang rezeki tu datang tanpa diduga, dan tiba-tiba kehidupan seolah-olah 'memberi' kepada si kecil. Father not a high-income earner but he sort of know how and where to find the great deal of children things at the best price. Now kita pun da ada banyak baby expo kan? ...Entahlah  I sort of takut dengan kehadiran seseorang dipanggil anak dalam hidup kerana takut dan risau about everything. I salute sangat-sangat kepada ibu beranak 6,7, 8, 9 yet masih kemas dan masih boleh handle successfully. I think sebab ini lah some married couples tak mahu anak in their marriage or tangguhkan niat untuk memiliki anak. Memang ada pasangan yang tak mahu anak cuma tak diberi exposure dalam media sebab being childfree is still a taboo in our society. Tapi kalau di media luar negara, being childfree is an option.
 
Father and mother then told me story of how to raise our own child, and they encounter everything of my worries (as I stated above) and told me the steps and tricks to make the children feel contented. Dari aspek kewangan, aspek pakaian dan kelengkapan kanak-kanak, aspek pendidikan, aspek akhlak kanak-kanak, aspek kesihatan, aspek rohani, aspek pemakanan, aspek fizikal dan pendidikan jasmani, aspek pengurusan masa, aspek pengurusan hal-ehwal rumahtangga, etc they sentuh and bagi tips. They also gave me examples of some of our relatives and neighbours yang beranak ramai but still masih cantik, wangi dan bermekap, dan rumah kemas, dan masak sedap pula tu. They told me on how to manage times and 'mencuri' masa on how to handle the situation, but the important thing is mesti kena mulakan dari kecil dan dari awal. After all, there is no a perfect type parenting sebab as people said dalam articles yang perfect parenting theory cannot be applied to all children. Lagipun, Allah memberi anugerah anak kepada hambaNya yang Dia tahu boleh memikul tanggungjawab tersebut. To success in parenting, perlu ada cooperation between mother and father. Rasulullah PBUH pun ada menggariskan cara-cara tertentu dalam mendidik anak  jadi tak timbul soal boleh atau tidak kita become a good mother or not.
 
Perbualan dengan my parents membuka mata dan hati I serta mengubah mindsetting I terhadap kanak-kanak. Maybe I read too much information on fights between parents - pasal breastfeeding la, pasal ambil epidural la, pasal beranak normal beranak operate la, pasal siapa paling pandai jaga anak la, pasal anak siapa paling pandai bercakap dulu, pasal anak siapa paling pandai berjalan dulu, etc etc...This fights and arguments ni tak habis-habis. I lebih suka ibu bapa yang relax-relax, contoh blogger terdekat yang tak terikut dengan 'trend' ni maybe I rasa Kak Diana Ishak and Tina kot, sebab they also admit that they don't want to join any parenting group, sebab anak masing-masing pun tak sama. And too much comparison menyebabkan kita jadi stress, yang menyebabkan parents akan emphasize too much on development of the child.  I juga suka tengok my ipar duai beranak -- they lebih relax dalam menjaga anak masing-masing dan buatkan I pun rasa nak juga beranak banyak. Apa pun, my assumption and my mindsetting about children dah berubah kot. I don't think at this age I sibuk nak bershopping benda ngarut2 or nak buat aktiviti lasak bagai so I'm readily welcome new life in my womb In Shaa Allah moga Dia perkenankan. Berdasarkan tips-tips dari my parents, I now dah tak tengok lagi ibu kusut masai and I pulak takut nak beranak, I divert my attention to ibu-ibu beranak ramai dan relax2 ja tu.
 
Segala puji-pujian kepada Allah. Dia yang Maha Berkuasa ke atas sesuatu.

credit