Friday, 15 February 2013

Hibernation doesn't mean I'm pregnant

 
 
 
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. ~Dutch Proverb



*Blowing spidery dust in this blog*


Salam and hai.


Brief update

We as expected got transfered in Peninsular Malaysia, Borneo no more. I wished there would be a miracle in the midst of chaotic life but terlalu chaotic sampaikan nak BD pun extremely worn out. In fact, we bombarded with the news that my SIL (who has been in TTC phase for two years) finally got pregnant!. And the news was broke out in hurtful way. Hurtful way but I managed to flake my injurious heart with my poker face, just because at that time I'm reading newspaper and got nothing to comment. It happened when my despicable biras broke the news but she saw we responsed nothing she adressed the news to husband so then husband said nothing except, "oh really? baguslah". I on the other hand just read the newspaper and I can't lie here that I want to cry at that moment because I feel the loneliness of being infertile woman and I know I will always been sidelined. I want to cry but God gave me enough strength to fight my own feeling and holding my tears. Instead, I'm grateful because Allah grant my SIL a child - she put a lot of efforts to get a child - more efforts than mine. She always love child and always entertain the nieces and nephews while I always ignored them or simply going to bedroom if I saw them crying out loud or fighting over toys. Tak ada motherhood instinct gamaknya..ehehe.

So it is official that I'm the only childless in my family-in-law.


Aunt Flow

I'm in menstruation now. It has been 3 months I got a perfect cycle. But the PMS syndromes are too much to loads. If the AF is coming, I cannot do other works other than lying on my bed because of the extreme unreasonable fatigue. The craving for chocolate cake is too painful (exaggerate. :-p) to bear but it is still acceptably bearable compared to the stomach pain and cramps.



Avocado Smoothies

I tried the Avocade Smoothies like in Jay's blog. I can't believe I love it. Like it very much. Too gelojoh to take photo but believe me it's worth a try. Rasanya lemak buah and rich in fiber, sesuai juga pada siapa yang nak reduce gain, because after that InsyaAllah dapat healthy diarhea..Diarhea memang sakit tapi kalau healthy diarhea yang boleh make my tummy flat I sangat suka..

1 biji avocado I bought at Tesco almost RM5, cut into two, fork out the seed, then fork out the avocado sampai nipis ke kulitnya, blend dengan susu. I shared the smoothies with husband and he also liked it. I think avocado smoothies is just fine for our taste compared to goat milk. But one thing I left is madu. It was bland, then husband the sweet tooth asked me to pour pinches of sugar into his smoothies, I pun letak juga sikit sugar dalam smoothies I. Memang kalau letak gula rasanya lebih manis, but I prefer my smoothies without sugar. Walaupun tawar tapi satisfied sangat. Furthermore, masa tu baru lepas baca an excerpt from Prof Diraja Ungku Aziz said that sugar is poison, so he avoid the sugar intake as the secret of his healthiness and longevity.  So ikut cara Jay la, put honey in your smoothies, lebih healthy gitu.


Recent Readings

I read in Jay's post on Avoiding People While TTC. I dare myself take up the challenge. It also the issue that've been raised by my father. He said that the thing we most the fear is the thing we should face with bare heart. Fight the fear. Afraid of people while TTCing? Face them. Oh it is easier said than done, no? Last two months I dared myself to fight the fear by going to wedding reception, kenduris, or any feast. Of course there were stupid questions, but when they asked "Bila?" I simply said "Tak tahu" with expression-less face. They dumbfounded for seconds but they covered their stupidity by saying everything like, "Adalah tu.." or "Banyakkan usaha.." or "Takpe honeymoon lama sikit.." and etc..There once a lavish wedding reception at grand hotel ballroom by my neighbour with two grooms (means they welcomed two daughter in laws), one of them is pregnant of four months (bunting pelamin after nikah 4 months ago- then buat resepsi bersama abang).  I greeted the makcik then she asked me "dah ada ke belum ni?". I answered "Belum.."..Shen then asked stupid question "Napa lambat sangat.."...I simply said, "entah..nak buat macamana.."..Then both the makcik and her daughter gelak-gelak..For them it is a joke but for me their laughs hurt me. I just brushed it off, but after the wedding, the people at the residential area talking about the lavish wedding at surau, at other rewang, at pasar ikan..They not talked their admiration toward the lavish wedding, but they were in angst -- all of them have diarhea and vomitting after the wedding reception sebab lauk daging di majlis itu adalah basi. The neigbours bombarded the family how they can pay RM20K plus for a rotten meat.

I cannot cheating you by  saying that I pity to them,or reresenting myself like angel , instead I laugh secretly. It is becuase  that they act that 'money can solve everything' along the ceremony. Banyak examples their arrogance dari pelamin, dari hotel, dari souvenir, dari menantu bunting pelamin, etc..Takpelah that's another story, but  I told mum that they can laughed at me for being infertile, but I laughed at them for not being able to have the perfect ceremony with their money wastily scattered. A lot of waste in the wedding, people talked to them, asking for reason why they do this and do that but they just ignored teguran dari semua orang, considered that "money can settle everything". (Laugh secretly, in evil).

There was also a wedding when people asked us if we are still two but most of them saying, "takpe, adalah tu nanti..." or "sabar..ada..tapi lambat sikit.."...Total bliss when they not asking more.


I also just read Kekda's new post Kami Berhati Walang..MasyaAllah I cannot agree more.  I almost cried.

I wearing hijab since I was 10 years old but I never looked down to non-hijabis or so-called 'social' community, because I admit that I'm not a good Muslim,I  not preserve my ablution, not khusyuk in my salah, not performing solat sunat rawatib, reciting Quran only when I have leisure time, performing salah in last minute and sometimes I not performing my Isyak and Subuh because of overslept let alone going to Holy Land Mecca to perform Umrah or Hajj.  In other words, I'm not close to Allah, I'm not even a good servant. I'm so ashamed as everywhere I go, performing prayer at suraus at shopping complex, a lot of the muslimah who performing prayer are the non-hijabis with heavy make up and short skirts. There are also non-hijabis blogger who pointed out about the preserving salah among hijabis is too weak, wearing hijab but not performing salah because to preserve their thick make up and to keep their complicated tie-knot shawls and hijabs intact. People accused this blogger for promoting Western culture but I realized that when someone is making is a point, kita tengok apa yang dia cakapkan, bukan siapa yang bercakap.

If Allah want to punish me or to give this tribulation to make me closer to Him, I am redha. Afterall we should take this opportunity to get closer to Allah because of being childfree, we able to perform extra ibadah. Performing Dhuha, performing Tahajud and Hajat di sepertiga malam, recite Quran every after salah, memorize surahs in Quran, learn Arabic and Islamic calligraphy (khat), taking classes for new skills and so on..

Mungkin kita terlalu lama memandang pintu tertutup sehingga overlook pintu-pintu lain yang terbuka luas.


 

21 comments:

  1. B&C, it's been so long... so glad u r back to blogging :-D U r so right... Allah pun kata yg membezakan hambaNya hanyalah Iman & Taqwa. Who r we to judge others.May Allah Bless us all with His Rahmat & Maghfirah...

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    1. InsyaAllah Ameen..I realize I cannot stay away from blogging because writing always been my passion and blogging is kind of therapy which I received a lot of advices, supports and friends in the same shoes. May Allah bless us and our family..True then, yang differentiate kita hanya Iman dan Taqwa..

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  2. welcome back fren! :)
    hmm cakap pasal kenduri sy pun bebaru ni gi kenduri pun ditembak bertalu2 dgn soklan vodoh tu.. kalau real bullet dah cedera parah dah sy agaknye :D

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    1. Cedera parah di hati, luka parah di minda, berkecai jiwa raga, hancur luluh perasaan, kering air mata, hina dina di mata manusia - semua perasaan tu menyelubungi seolah2 tak akan berhenti..Padahal kalau mereka tu tak tanya pun tak apa, sebab dah terang2 perut kita kempis dan kita tak dukung anak..kan.

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  3. Ohmygod i seriously miss ur posts!!!!!!!!
    and yeah i mmg wonder gak, B&C ni pregnant ke? diam je? ooh rupenye bizi berpindah2. heheh, glad u tried the avocado smoothie! sedap kan! some people cant tolerate the taste, ye lah tekak lain2 kan. wopps..no sugar tauuu..kalau nak sugar gak brown sugar maybe ok la tapi honey is better :) kdg2 i blend dengan kurma skali kalau honey kehabisan. boleh rasa manis2 jugak tapi akan kenyang melampau lepastu. kalau nak diet dgn cara tu mmg sgt lah disyorkan :D husband u minum pun bagus, my husband taksuka. nak muntah katanya. hoho :P

    and yes, glad that u dared urself to attend weddings and all. itulah yg i buat dulu. i fikir sampai bile nak avoid orang, katelah ditakdirkan sampai bila2 takde anak, takkan lah nak lari dari orang sampai mati. esok mati, orang taknak dtg, lagi sadis! itu yg i fikir. its not easy i know, its really2 hard. mula2 mmg susah tapi dah lama2 kena cuba 'face the fear' and its true that kalau kite buat hati kering je jawap "entah taktau bila" atau "tanyalah Allah" (itu i slalu jwp bile dah penat sgt) memang orang akan jwp balik utk cover soalan bodoh diorg dgn mengatekan "takpe, ade lah tu" atau "sabar..anak makcik sipolan tu pun 5thn baru ada.blablabla" (padahal tadi dia yg sibuk menanya kan?) but then he/she realized that the question may hurt us. so cover dgn jawapan2 begitu, takpe its fine i pun boleh terima. kalau kena gelak2 tu i pun penah kena. i tanya balik "kelakar ke?" and diorg terus buat guilty face. hoho! trust me sampai bila2 diorg takkan tanya lagi.
    not to avoid people while TTC adalah salah satu cabaran dari Allah. anggap sahaja itu cabaran dari Allah. Allah memang sentiasa menguji.

    ur SIL dah pregnant, alhamdulillah. but then i totally understand that feeling :( it must be really hard. i penah rasa, masa semua adik2 ipar i sedang pregnant. MIL takpenah kata apa, tapi yg pedih nya bile makcik2 dtg rumah, komfem i akan ditegur "so awak sorg je la belum lagi? dah tu nak tunggu sampai bila?"
    Letih. Letih nak jawap. syukur MIL mmg my 'backup besar' :P huhu. dia yang tlg jawapkan. kdg2 die tolong 'marahkan' makcik2 yang laser tu.
    masalahnya, dah conceived pun kena juga.
    "Baru nak ada? tertinggal keretapi la awak.."
    i mean WTF? -__-
    itu lah hakikatnya.
    bila solat or solat hajat, doa juga pada Allah semoga u tak dihujani soalan2 mcm ni lagi. mohon minta Allah sedarkan diorg ni yang issue ni sensitif, bukan boleh di bawak gelak2. i mmg berdoa mcm tu, sbb dah taktahan nak benci orang. alhamdulillah slowly nobody ask. termasuk makcik2 annoying yg slalu tanya tu.

    oh so u skg dah ada kat peninsular ye! welcomeeeee homeee :P hehehe

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    1. Since avocado ni treatment versi murah yang boleh buat sendiri lebih menyihatkan dan tanpa chemicals, memang i akan buat at least once in a week..Pasni akan beli honey/dates/raisins to mix with the smoothies instead of sugar..Tapi sedap sangat..kenyang pula tu..suka.

      Memang i pun terfikir sampai bila..i tengok my childless aunt yang memang buat muka tak malu pergi kenduri, mula2 orang tanya then lama2 orang tak tanya dah..dan memang betul pun orang bertanya soalan bodoh tu bila kita jawap 'tak tahu' or 'tanya Allah' eh dia pulak sibuk betulkan ayat..ada pulak yang betulkan ayat kita dengan cakap 'eh janganlah cakap tak tahu, cakap la InsyaAllah..'..nak je jawab 'tau tak pe, lain kali jangan tanya'...i baru dapat idea dari u ni bila orang gelakkan i dgn soalan 'kelakar ke?'..ha..tak pun kan bila ada makcik2 tanya or pertikaikan jawab je, 'cuba makcik balik rumah baca Quran tengok surah Asy-Syura ayat 49-50...pergi la balik skang baca surah tu & tafsirannnya..kata tiap2 hari pergi dengar ceramah, pakai tudung labuh macam Batman!' (rude, jangan tiru!)..haha..rude..imaginasi katanya...


      masyarakat memang tak akan habis menyoal..sampai la ke tua sampai mati..dah conceived pun orang boleh kata gitu ek..kurang ajar betul la..lenkali jawap je, 'saya naik flight, tak naik keretapi, keretapi ni orang zaman dulu2 je..' (argh imaginasi rude lagi!)..hehe..

      memang sebelum i buat decision nak return to society, i berdoa orang tak tanya, dan kalau boleh nak berbual hal mereka je sebab biasanya kalau kita tunjuk our concern with people, people with distracted..tapi kalau bab social media, i better stay out of radar..social networking like FB is too much judgement sebab audiencesnya terlalu ramai, accessnya yang terlalu mudah dan always associated with emotional mayhem..just being inactive surfer ataupun jadi pelayar pasif..lebih baik dan hati pun tak berapa diusik..cara ni i survive for four years sepanjang ada akaun with all kinds of social media..but it depends sebab ada je orang TTC yang memang hati waja yang boleh fight against the world walaupun dia just post gambar dia dgn anak saudara..for me, i memang avoid bergambar dengan baby dan post kan di social media..terlalu ramai pengaudit tak bertauliah dan terlalu banyak evaluation..nanti sakit hati..

      eh panjang dah serupa entry pulak dah

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    2. kalau jawap i naik flight, tak naik keretapi, i know they will say something like "laa kalau naik flight apsal lambat beno?" cam Ape lagi yg tak puas hati nyee yarabbiiiii...

      yeah, FB pun smpai skang i diam. even kalau i post gamba i dgn hubby (without nampak perot), kazen2 or kwn2 yg tau i pregnant will say something like Alaaa nak tgk gamba perott....blabla....i taktau kenape i still rase annoyed :P hahaha! and will delete that post. sebab i ramai add kwn2 TTC kat fb jugak. i xnak ayat tu buat orglain menyampah. walaupun org yg mintak nak tgk perot tu takniat apa2 pun..tu lah bile fobia dgn social media. too many audience and too many pengaudit tak bertauliah, that's true. my hubby pun xkasi ckp ape2 kat fb, melainkan dah bersalin boleh la announce. just nak share the news yg kite dah bersalin, cukup.

      ambik gamba dgn anak2 buah mmg boleh mengundang mcm2 kata2 kalau kite dah berkahwin dan belum ada anak. i dulu kawin baru 3bulan, then i ade ambik gamba dgn my friend punye anak. Boleh pulak ada orglain komen "tu anak kau ke jay?"
      bodoh ke baru kawin 3bulan tibe2 anak dah besar mcm tu. kalau nak buat lawak pun sumpah tak kelakar soalan mcm tu.

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    3. memang dah banyak kali TTCian cerita pasal bergambar dengan budak kecik then upload kat social media yang mengundang jelik...jadi untk elakkan semua tu, simpan dalam gallery handphone je la gamaknya..I pernah tau up link pasal childfree,eh tak de pulak orang nak komen ke apa, like pun takde..haha..mesti orang ingat i dah mereng agaknya..kih kih kih

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  4. penat tulis pjg2..sekali internet wat hal..arghh...


    in summary : rindu kt BnC!

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    1. Miss u too JD..


      hehe..selalu macam tu kan..I pun banyak kali juga taip panjang, sekali tak dapat publish..takpe, your presence here pun dah make me happy..TQ sebab sudi jenguk di sini..

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    2. i before publish any comment i akan select all and copy dulu. sbb dah byk kali jadi mcm tu. sakitjiwe je bebel pjg2 astu hilang! hahaha

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  5. wow.....lama tak baca post dari BnC. Rindu betul dah ni....
    Anyway, welcome home back here in Penisular...
    Menanti more entries from BnC after this....

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  6. wow.....lama tak baca post dari BnC. Rindu betul dah ni....
    Anyway, welcome home back here in Penisular...
    Menanti more entries from BnC after this....

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Rindu Yanie jugak..Yani rajin gila update sampai I tak terkejar..

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  7. miss your posts b and c! laa tak terjah sini jugakk.. :)

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    1. miss u too...u pun dah jarang update ya..takpela i faham kita sama2 tgh belajar..hihi..

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  8. Rindu B&C jugak...
    rindu all post from u...
    Avacado smoothie memang sedap. I suka sangat

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    1. Sama la..best kan avocado smoothies tu..tapi i kena pergi tesco awal2 sebab bila petang avocado habis.

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  9. Miss ur posts sgt2!!tp x suke la avocado..hihi..
    Kite pn still 'kosong' lg..hopfuly smpaila turn kite dpt nikmat jd ibu..
    Mama dah x kisah dah since my sis yg bru kwin tu dah pregnant..
    Im going to be maklong!!!! :-) :-) :-)

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    1. hee..sama..my SILs and biras2 semuanya asyik kira turn and my MIL pulak asyik kira hari 'booking' je..(booking utk khidmat confinement)

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