Hibernation doesn't mean I'm pregnant
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. ~Dutch Proverb
*Blowing spidery dust in this blog*
Salam and hai.
We as expected got transfered in Peninsular Malaysia, Borneo no more. I wished there would be a miracle in the midst of chaotic life but terlalu chaotic sampaikan nak BD pun extremely worn out. In fact, we bombarded with the news that my SIL (who has been in TTC phase for two years) finally got pregnant!. And the news was broke out in hurtful way. Hurtful way but I managed to flake my injurious heart with my poker face, just because at that time I'm reading newspaper and got nothing to comment. It happened when my despicable biras broke the news but she saw we responsed nothing she adressed the news to husband so then husband said nothing except, "oh really? baguslah". I on the other hand just read the newspaper and I can't lie here that I want to cry at that moment because I feel the loneliness of being infertile woman and I know I will always been sidelined. I want to cry but God gave me enough strength to fight my own feeling and holding my tears. Instead, I'm grateful because Allah grant my SIL a child - she put a lot of efforts to get a child - more efforts than mine. She always love child and always entertain the nieces and nephews while I always ignored them or simply going to bedroom if I saw them crying out loud or fighting over toys. Tak ada motherhood instinct gamaknya..ehehe.
So it is official that I'm the only childless in my family-in-law.
I'm in menstruation now. It has been 3 months I got a perfect cycle. But the PMS syndromes are too much to loads. If the AF is coming, I cannot do other works other than lying on my bed because of the extreme unreasonable fatigue. The craving for chocolate cake is too painful (exaggerate. :-p) to bear but it is still acceptably bearable compared to the stomach pain and cramps.
I tried the Avocade Smoothies like in Jay's blog. I can't believe I love it. Like it very much. Too gelojoh to take photo but believe me it's worth a try. Rasanya lemak buah and rich in fiber, sesuai juga pada siapa yang nak reduce gain, because after that InsyaAllah dapat healthy diarhea..Diarhea memang sakit tapi kalau healthy diarhea yang boleh make my tummy flat I sangat suka..
1 biji avocado I bought at Tesco almost RM5, cut into two, fork out the seed, then fork out the avocado sampai nipis ke kulitnya, blend dengan susu. I shared the smoothies with husband and he also liked it. I think avocado smoothies is just fine for our taste compared to goat milk. But one thing I left is madu. It was bland, then husband the sweet tooth asked me to pour pinches of sugar into his smoothies, I pun letak juga sikit sugar dalam smoothies I. Memang kalau letak gula rasanya lebih manis, but I prefer my smoothies without sugar. Walaupun tawar tapi satisfied sangat. Furthermore, masa tu baru lepas baca an excerpt from Prof Diraja Ungku Aziz said that sugar is poison, so he avoid the sugar intake as the secret of his healthiness and longevity. So ikut cara Jay la, put honey in your smoothies, lebih healthy gitu.
I read in Jay's post on Avoiding People While TTC. I dare myself take up the challenge. It also the issue that've been raised by my father. He said that the thing we most the fear is the thing we should face with bare heart. Fight the fear. Afraid of people while TTCing? Face them. Oh it is easier said than done, no? Last two months I dared myself to fight the fear by going to wedding reception, kenduris, or any feast. Of course there were stupid questions, but when they asked "Bila?" I simply said "Tak tahu" with expression-less face. They dumbfounded for seconds but they covered their stupidity by saying everything like, "Adalah tu.." or "Banyakkan usaha.." or "Takpe honeymoon lama sikit.." and etc..There once a lavish wedding reception at grand hotel ballroom by my neighbour with two grooms (means they welcomed two daughter in laws), one of them is pregnant of four months (bunting pelamin after nikah 4 months ago- then buat resepsi bersama abang). I greeted the makcik then she asked me "dah ada ke belum ni?". I answered "Belum.."..Shen then asked stupid question "Napa lambat sangat.."...I simply said, "entah..nak buat macamana.."..Then both the makcik and her daughter gelak-gelak..For them it is a joke but for me their laughs hurt me. I just brushed it off, but after the wedding, the people at the residential area talking about the lavish wedding at surau, at other rewang, at pasar ikan..They not talked their admiration toward the lavish wedding, but they were in angst -- all of them have diarhea and vomitting after the wedding reception sebab lauk daging di majlis itu adalah basi. The neigbours bombarded the family how they can pay RM20K plus for a rotten meat.
I cannot cheating you by saying that I pity to them,or reresenting myself like angel , instead I laugh secretly. It is becuase that they act that 'money can solve everything' along the ceremony. Banyak examples their arrogance dari pelamin, dari hotel, dari souvenir, dari menantu bunting pelamin, etc..Takpelah that's another story, but I told mum that they can laughed at me for being infertile, but I laughed at them for not being able to have the perfect ceremony with their money wastily scattered. A lot of waste in the wedding, people talked to them, asking for reason why they do this and do that but they just ignored teguran dari semua orang, considered that "money can settle everything". (Laugh secretly, in evil).
There was also a wedding when people asked us if we are still two but most of them saying, "takpe, adalah tu nanti..." or "sabar..ada..tapi lambat sikit.."...Total bliss when they not asking more.
I also just read Kekda's new post Kami Berhati Walang..MasyaAllah I cannot agree more. I almost cried.
I wearing hijab since I was 10 years old but I never looked down to non-hijabis or so-called 'social' community, because I admit that I'm not a good Muslim,I not preserve my ablution, not khusyuk in my salah, not performing solat sunat rawatib, reciting Quran only when I have leisure time, performing salah in last minute and sometimes I not performing my Isyak and Subuh because of overslept let alone going to Holy Land Mecca to perform Umrah or Hajj. In other words, I'm not close to Allah, I'm not even a good servant. I'm so ashamed as everywhere I go, performing prayer at suraus at shopping complex, a lot of the muslimah who performing prayer are the non-hijabis with heavy make up and short skirts. There are also non-hijabis blogger who pointed out about the preserving salah among hijabis is too weak, wearing hijab but not performing salah because to preserve their thick make up and to keep their complicated tie-knot shawls and hijabs intact. People accused this blogger for promoting Western culture but I realized that when someone is making is a point, kita tengok apa yang dia cakapkan, bukan siapa yang bercakap.
If Allah want to punish me or to give this tribulation to make me closer to Him, I am redha. Afterall we should take this opportunity to get closer to Allah because of being childfree, we able to perform extra ibadah. Performing Dhuha, performing Tahajud and Hajat di sepertiga malam, recite Quran every after salah, memorize surahs in Quran, learn Arabic and Islamic calligraphy (khat), taking classes for new skills and so on..
Mungkin kita terlalu lama memandang pintu tertutup sehingga overlook pintu-pintu lain yang terbuka luas.