Thursday, 21 February 2013

Dreaming about you

*Credit to photos owner. I'm so sorry if take this picture and re-publish it, but actually it is for my own keeping.

Mommy waiting for (both of) you.
Will take care (both of) you in my belly
Will follow doctor's advice, and
Will read "What to Expect When You're Expecting' or from Ina May's book that I eyed for so long
Will labour (both of) you in private/govt hospital (I don't mind) as long as you are in great care, and not cumbersome for Grandmas and Grandpas to visit us
Waiting to kiss you, to hold (both of) you in my arms
And watching Daddy susurrate azan/iqamah to your ears
And of course I will ask the nurse to take our photos, the three (four) of us, you know - for the sake of memories, (and to promulgate the exuberant news to our closest family and friends, surely not overfeed the Facebook/Twitter/any social media timeline)

We will give (both of) you the cute names, the simple one, the easiest for people to remember, and easy for your future teachers and lecturers to call you when they want to record your attendance in the class, the best name Allah call upon you in the Day of Judgment
Will do aqiqah and tahnik for (both of) you.
Will organize a tahnik and aqiqah ceremony for (both of) you, which I will dress you up and we will held it in my parent's home, cause I'm the first in my family and will invite your paternal family InsyaAllah they will celebrate with us
Will shave your hair, and scale it with the price of golds. Don't worry, Grandmas and Grandpas know better about this

Will breastfeed (both of) you until you reach 18 months, this is my pray.
Will take a lot of photos of you, (don't worry I'll not share them profusely in social media)
Will teach you Alif Ba Ta first before ABC.
Will bouy you the beautiful and cute garments
Will don you like the celebrities' children (argh, blame mummy)
We will have special photoshoot as a family - do you like it? Please don't be grumpy okay, I know (both of) are very good child
We will bring you to stroll in the park, bring you to Disneyland and Mecca
Will teach you the power of patience, grateful and perseverance

I may be a conventional mother, but this is my dreams

Will remember you in all my du'as.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Materialistic or realistic?

Life shouldn't be printed on dollar bills. ~Clifford Odets

I read in Hatim's blog about defining success and how it affect the people. It gave me the hint that materialism is a perennial viral among society and it affect our kids today. I actually not surprised by the fact that kids actually evaluate us and judge us by our possessions. Not talking our other kids, I'm talking about nieces and nephews of husband.


My husband is the 5th in his family and it can be said that every year there will be at least two offsprings from his siblings. (Mudah kan?). The reason I ignore the nieces and nephews and unfriendly to them not because I lack of  motherhood instinct (or maybe I am) but I feel suffocating being among them. It happen because they keep talking about how rich or how poor of an individual.

There are a lot of funny stories of how witty they are (or how materialistic they are) about rich and poor among family members but I just brushed it off, thinking that they are just children, whose spoonfeed by their parents and grandparents with everything and I thought it was normal. Only that, it hit me with sudden jolt when husband told me that he want to teach our future children with 'materialism', in order to be realistic with our 'cruel' world. I opposed the idea by telling him they will doing just fine like us, that they will learn gradually how the socisty works and how they world is running, after all, the world is not revolve around you, we have our roles in this world.

Back to the story. When we going back home to our hometown, husband bought some souvenirs from Borneo, and distributed them among family members as well as their kids. So one of the nieces asked husband,

"Uncle, uncle ni kaya la."
"Mana ada uncle kaya. Atok lagi kaya."
"Mana ada atok kaya. Atok (my father in law, cum her maternal grandpa) miskin. Tok wan  (her paternal grandpa) lagi kaya."
"Ye ke.Mana awak tahu?"
"Tahu la..Tak percaya tanya Atok. (She went to my FIL and asked like this) -- Atok, atok miskin kan?"
My FIL watching TV, too lazy to entertain said - "Iya, Atok miskin."
"Ha, kan betul."

Husband went berserk. He argued with his own niece, "Apa pulak. Cuba tengok kereta siapa lagi besar - Atok ke Tok Wan, cuba tengok TV siapa lagi besar, cuba tengok sofa siapa lagi besar, cuba tengok rumah siapa lagi besar - Atok ke Tok Wan

The niece gone haywired. Kept silent. Biting her lips, with no arguments anymore.

I thought it was funny and hillarious and I spreading the story to the rest of family members and my family. They laughed but my brother seems shocked with the story, "ada ya budak materialistik macam tu, takut pulak kalau terpinang budak perempuan jenis macam tu, susah hidup aku nanti"


And there was one day, we and my brother in law's family went to the sister's house. I asked husband drove my car. Then after greeting each other, this niece asked me,

"Aunty, kasut aunty macam kasut orang putih dalam TV. Berapa puluh? Berapa ratus?"
"Entah, tak ingat sebab beli online"
"Oh beli online" (I'm sure she doesn't know the meaning of 'beli online')..Berapa ratus? berapa ribu?"
"Entah, tak ingat, uncle yang bayarkan.."

She screamed loudly yelling husband's name (because husband at the outside of the house) - "Uncle....! Uncle beli kasut aunty ni berapa?"
Husband replied, "Mana uncle tahu, uncle mana ada duit, uncle miskin, yang kaya aunty. Kereta yang uncle bawak tu pun aunty punya, uncle mana ada apa2"
She turned furiously to me, "Aunty kaya ya?"
"Aunty kerja apa?'
"Mengajar je.."
"Ajar budak darjah berapa? darjah 4? darjah 2?"
"Tak..budak2 besar.."
Husband explained to her, "We all semua orang miskin, tak kaya macam ayah awak.."
She then asked - "Napa tak kaya? Kalau nak kaya macam ayah, buat la bisnes macam ayah!"

We both strucked for seconds. *Halilintar*

"Ah ye betul, betul..Patut we all involve in business. She has a point". Both of us agreed then.

Then suddenly my BIL interrupted, "Oh kalau macam tu uncle pun nak bisnes la, uncle pun nak kaya."

All of us laughed to the darnedest thing a child could ever said.

(I pun wonder la napa la my husband pun melayan bab kaya miskin ni.Haih)

I told my mother in law the story, I thought she took differently but instead she proud of it. There was a moment when she baselessly asked the nephew "Ayah pakai kereta apa?" The nephew answered proudly, "Izogha!"


People will say that they are just children. But I don't know if we should allow them talk about material publicly and to be proud with that attitude. I really don't know because I'm not a mom,yet, and I don't know if I will change my point of view if I'm a mom one day.

Is it true that materialism = realism?
And it is okay if we teach our children on materialism to prepare them with future world?
Or how to cultivate to them that 'money is not everything, but everything need money' mantra?
Can we put a borderline between materialism and consumerism?

Friday, 15 February 2013

Hibernation doesn't mean I'm pregnant

A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. ~Dutch Proverb

*Blowing spidery dust in this blog*

Salam and hai.

Brief update

We as expected got transfered in Peninsular Malaysia, Borneo no more. I wished there would be a miracle in the midst of chaotic life but terlalu chaotic sampaikan nak BD pun extremely worn out. In fact, we bombarded with the news that my SIL (who has been in TTC phase for two years) finally got pregnant!. And the news was broke out in hurtful way. Hurtful way but I managed to flake my injurious heart with my poker face, just because at that time I'm reading newspaper and got nothing to comment. It happened when my despicable biras broke the news but she saw we responsed nothing she adressed the news to husband so then husband said nothing except, "oh really? baguslah". I on the other hand just read the newspaper and I can't lie here that I want to cry at that moment because I feel the loneliness of being infertile woman and I know I will always been sidelined. I want to cry but God gave me enough strength to fight my own feeling and holding my tears. Instead, I'm grateful because Allah grant my SIL a child - she put a lot of efforts to get a child - more efforts than mine. She always love child and always entertain the nieces and nephews while I always ignored them or simply going to bedroom if I saw them crying out loud or fighting over toys. Tak ada motherhood instinct gamaknya..ehehe.

So it is official that I'm the only childless in my family-in-law.

Aunt Flow

I'm in menstruation now. It has been 3 months I got a perfect cycle. But the PMS syndromes are too much to loads. If the AF is coming, I cannot do other works other than lying on my bed because of the extreme unreasonable fatigue. The craving for chocolate cake is too painful (exaggerate. :-p) to bear but it is still acceptably bearable compared to the stomach pain and cramps.

Avocado Smoothies

I tried the Avocade Smoothies like in Jay's blog. I can't believe I love it. Like it very much. Too gelojoh to take photo but believe me it's worth a try. Rasanya lemak buah and rich in fiber, sesuai juga pada siapa yang nak reduce gain, because after that InsyaAllah dapat healthy diarhea..Diarhea memang sakit tapi kalau healthy diarhea yang boleh make my tummy flat I sangat suka..

1 biji avocado I bought at Tesco almost RM5, cut into two, fork out the seed, then fork out the avocado sampai nipis ke kulitnya, blend dengan susu. I shared the smoothies with husband and he also liked it. I think avocado smoothies is just fine for our taste compared to goat milk. But one thing I left is madu. It was bland, then husband the sweet tooth asked me to pour pinches of sugar into his smoothies, I pun letak juga sikit sugar dalam smoothies I. Memang kalau letak gula rasanya lebih manis, but I prefer my smoothies without sugar. Walaupun tawar tapi satisfied sangat. Furthermore, masa tu baru lepas baca an excerpt from Prof Diraja Ungku Aziz said that sugar is poison, so he avoid the sugar intake as the secret of his healthiness and longevity.  So ikut cara Jay la, put honey in your smoothies, lebih healthy gitu.

Recent Readings

I read in Jay's post on Avoiding People While TTC. I dare myself take up the challenge. It also the issue that've been raised by my father. He said that the thing we most the fear is the thing we should face with bare heart. Fight the fear. Afraid of people while TTCing? Face them. Oh it is easier said than done, no? Last two months I dared myself to fight the fear by going to wedding reception, kenduris, or any feast. Of course there were stupid questions, but when they asked "Bila?" I simply said "Tak tahu" with expression-less face. They dumbfounded for seconds but they covered their stupidity by saying everything like, "Adalah tu.." or "Banyakkan usaha.." or "Takpe honeymoon lama sikit.." and etc..There once a lavish wedding reception at grand hotel ballroom by my neighbour with two grooms (means they welcomed two daughter in laws), one of them is pregnant of four months (bunting pelamin after nikah 4 months ago- then buat resepsi bersama abang).  I greeted the makcik then she asked me "dah ada ke belum ni?". I answered "Belum.."..Shen then asked stupid question "Napa lambat sangat.."...I simply said, "entah..nak buat macamana.."..Then both the makcik and her daughter gelak-gelak..For them it is a joke but for me their laughs hurt me. I just brushed it off, but after the wedding, the people at the residential area talking about the lavish wedding at surau, at other rewang, at pasar ikan..They not talked their admiration toward the lavish wedding, but they were in angst -- all of them have diarhea and vomitting after the wedding reception sebab lauk daging di majlis itu adalah basi. The neigbours bombarded the family how they can pay RM20K plus for a rotten meat.

I cannot cheating you by  saying that I pity to them,or reresenting myself like angel , instead I laugh secretly. It is becuase  that they act that 'money can solve everything' along the ceremony. Banyak examples their arrogance dari pelamin, dari hotel, dari souvenir, dari menantu bunting pelamin, etc..Takpelah that's another story, but  I told mum that they can laughed at me for being infertile, but I laughed at them for not being able to have the perfect ceremony with their money wastily scattered. A lot of waste in the wedding, people talked to them, asking for reason why they do this and do that but they just ignored teguran dari semua orang, considered that "money can settle everything". (Laugh secretly, in evil).

There was also a wedding when people asked us if we are still two but most of them saying, "takpe, adalah tu nanti..." or "sabar..ada..tapi lambat sikit.."...Total bliss when they not asking more.

I also just read Kekda's new post Kami Berhati Walang..MasyaAllah I cannot agree more.  I almost cried.

I wearing hijab since I was 10 years old but I never looked down to non-hijabis or so-called 'social' community, because I admit that I'm not a good Muslim,I  not preserve my ablution, not khusyuk in my salah, not performing solat sunat rawatib, reciting Quran only when I have leisure time, performing salah in last minute and sometimes I not performing my Isyak and Subuh because of overslept let alone going to Holy Land Mecca to perform Umrah or Hajj.  In other words, I'm not close to Allah, I'm not even a good servant. I'm so ashamed as everywhere I go, performing prayer at suraus at shopping complex, a lot of the muslimah who performing prayer are the non-hijabis with heavy make up and short skirts. There are also non-hijabis blogger who pointed out about the preserving salah among hijabis is too weak, wearing hijab but not performing salah because to preserve their thick make up and to keep their complicated tie-knot shawls and hijabs intact. People accused this blogger for promoting Western culture but I realized that when someone is making is a point, kita tengok apa yang dia cakapkan, bukan siapa yang bercakap.

If Allah want to punish me or to give this tribulation to make me closer to Him, I am redha. Afterall we should take this opportunity to get closer to Allah because of being childfree, we able to perform extra ibadah. Performing Dhuha, performing Tahajud and Hajat di sepertiga malam, recite Quran every after salah, memorize surahs in Quran, learn Arabic and Islamic calligraphy (khat), taking classes for new skills and so on..

Mungkin kita terlalu lama memandang pintu tertutup sehingga overlook pintu-pintu lain yang terbuka luas.


Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my ...