Friday, 25 May 2012

Day 27

To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart. ~Francesco Guicciardini

Day 27:
If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?

How could we know our future.
How could I know that I have trouble in conceiving.
What choice do I have in this life.

It is Allah's plan.

(This is theoretically written). If I kwow that in the future I have trouble conceiving, I choose two things in my life.

1) I don't want to get married. (Hah, possible kah? I'm head over heels with my husband!)
It's  just that I am willing to carry this burden alone. The burden that I don't want any other person, especially to the one I love so much to bear the burden together with me. Because I love him so much so I don't want him to listen to my vent, or my rambling  or my anger towards inconsiderate people and not to mention, having sex with him on schedule.

Before I got married, I was worried if people called me 'andartu' or 'andalusia'. But after facing this infertility for 2 and half years, I don't mind bearing those title rather than being imprinted in everyone's mind that I am barren. At least, the single woman have freedom to choose and to live their life without care other person. I, in fact, have several plans, but I have to make it parallel and synchronize with my husband's plan.

It is not that I'm not grateful that I was bestowed with wonderful and doting husband. It is only that I pity him for bearing this burden with me. However, the childfree life actually make our bond stronger, understand each other better, and love each other deeper.  Again, Allah has His plans.

2) I want to further my Master in coursework and straightly enrol for PhD program
Before I got married, I enrolled for the Master programme in fully research. The research although have no classes but it takes a lot of work, particularly when the research is in new niche area and I have no teammate. So, the study period is extended over semesters because I do not get enough and solid resources and data.  Compared to Master program by coursework, it takes only less than two year, and the fastest will be one year.

There are so many issues arose when I registered for my Master back then. The issues that I wrongly-anticpated i.e. infertility journey never came across in my mind, so I made my decision carefully and wisely depending on my situation and career establishment . If I knew that I have difficulties in conceiving, I will not take into accounts of the issues I had forcasted before. Hmmm..

We the mortal can just only plan, but it is Allah to determine everything.

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