Sunday, 27 May 2012

Day 30

Maybe you don't like your job, maybe you didn't get enough sleep, well nobody likes their job, nobody got enough sleep. Maybe you just had the worst day of your life, but you know, there's no escape, there's no excuse, so just suck up and be nice. ~Ani Difranco

Day 30:
After a month of infertility talk, we need a distraction. Give us a link to one of your favorite non-infertility-sites, or tell us about your favorite distraction activity/book/feel-good movie.

Warning: If you have a broad-minded, accepting new ideas and facts, and unprejudiced, you can continue to read this post. Otherwise, kindly please click X to avoid any dispute.

So if you want to know how broad your mind is, you can try this quiz (it is little blasphemous I know)


Seriously, if you ask me what I feel doing this challenge, or will I recommend it to you to do it consistently for freaking 30 days, I will say "Please Don't".. However, if you want to skip between challenges, or skip days let say one challenge per week, or your blog is dusty and you want to sweep away the dust by updating something to your  loyal readers, you are welcome to do the challenge.

I confess I wrote this challenge for only 3,4 days. Means, I write the challenges for several post and thanks to auto-publish. Still, it made me suffocating reading my own blog. Seriously, reading back this all challenges, I thought, "Hey, this lady have no life kah keep writing about the infertility journey?" Please dont get me wrong I'm not saying that TTCian update their blogs daily have no life, but I believe the daily TTC blogger not updating about infertility for a month! I never see that TTC blogger talking about infertility for 30 days. Yes we did update and talking about our journey but it's like daily journal or online diary, for the sake of sharing and record, but writing about infertility all the time can make me suffocating. It is part of my life, but I don't want to exaggerate the situation. We always pour our vent and that is normal in our journey. I think and I believe we found solace by writing what inside our heart and our mind in this online diary so...eeerrrmm..ok, i'm running out of words.

After 30 days talking about infertility, we need a distraction that is not related with infertility. Now, I want to talk about Living Childfree.

Living Childfree vs Family Planning
I know that Malaysian are not receiving well the idea of Living Childfree, mostly influenced by religion factor that we Moslem are supposed to procreate and generating the Khairu Ummah.  I digress a little bit, however, some of us are in family planning. Ok, let me explain in brief about family planning before i'm going to talk about Living Childfree. The students of mine asking about family planning, is it allowed in Islam, provided that the marriage is between two Moslem students who are get married to avoid adultery or fornication. They reveived the idea of getting married or nikah Khitbah however did not ready to have a commitment as a parent since both husband and wife is still studying. I used to ask my lecturer about family planning, and he replied, merancang keluarga is haram (forbidden) tetapi menyusun keluarga is harus. Means, the family planning should not only for the sake of enjoying but there are other conditions that permit the family planning and several factors -- studying, LDR, financial constraint, temporary illness that need some medications or surgeries and many more. It is also actually a sin if Moslem didn't believe in family planning because if a man let say only make RM700 as his salary and rejecting family planning, he bestowed with let say 10 children. Usually, in that case, the welfare and the childhood of the chidlren are not preserved so it is a sin for a father for 'stealing' the childhood rights, as the childhood rights is compulsory for every children.

Family planning and living childree on the other hand, have same issue and methodology but with different understanding.

I read about living childfree months ago, and from my initial understanding, they couple who opt for living childfree are entirely rejecting the idea of having kids. Please be patient if you start making judgment.

Living Childfree
However, I read more and more, actually living childfree are divided into two categories. The Living Childfree by Choice and Living Childfree Not By Choice. Living Childfree by Choice is a decision by couple where they are planning and deciding on living childfree without any external factors. Living Childfree Not By Choice in contrast, is when the couple decide to live childfree after battling with  infertility, loss or (not having chance of adoption).

There are two different terms, Childfree and Childless. From my writing, I always use both because both explain what I am now. The term Childless is not well-received by people because it make the women feel that they lack of something. They prefer the word Childfree instead of Childless. If you want to know the real definition, please do extensive research and not depending on one or two sources only.

There are a lot of Childfree blogs by international author and I was actually inspired by their spirit. To compare Childfree by Choice and Childfree Not By Choice, the Childfree By Choice are actually been castigated for being selfish. Chidlfree Not By Choice on the other hand, has inviting sympathy by society. Both of the groups are well communicated although they have different journey, but they are intertwined with one issue, living childfree.

I read numbers of Childfree blogs. Some childfree couple are so harsh in maintaining and defending their view, some are trying to get understanding from society, some are creating bulwark by isolating themselves from society, and some are just soft and asking for respect for their decision. They also agree that we are living in baby-craze world, where parents are always brag about their child. See, the braggart parents not only exist in our community but also exist around the world (link 1, link 2) .

Childfree in Malaysia
How about Childfree in Malaysia? Frankly, I never came across any blog who openly admit they are living childfree except this blog.(I can't traced whether she is a Malaysian or foreigner living in Malaysia).  And she was interviewed by a radio channel about living childfree (click here) . I also used to found a web that arrange the meeting between couples who are living chidlfree in Malaysia (the venue is around KL and Johor Bahru) but never found the exact date. Or maybe they make it underground. Or maybe Malaysian still a typical community. I have no idea.

Living Childfree and us (me and my husband).
Please do not make judgment just because I put Childfree blog links in my sidebar. I'm neither accept nor reject of the idea Living Childfree. I just admired their spirit and excitement to live life to the fullest. If you read over and over, actually our journey and their journey is somewhat similar; pressure from parents, inconsiderate breeders, braggart parents, frowning and sneering by breeders, stupid dumb-arse questions, and many more. If we were mocked with our inability to procreate, they were accused for being 'selfish'. They have very hard time to defend their stand- they don't want children, we also facing the same thing when we try to make people understand this - belum rezeki. 

So, what are we?
Husband said, we are Living Childfree By Choice. But in our case, choice by Allah. Allah choose us to live childfree (that we don't know for how many years) and Allah choose us to live chidlfree because He has another best plan for us. We are asking for the good thing, Allah give others with the better and we cry, and - actually and eventually Allah give us the best thing. Imagine that we will have twin! Or our child is a future famous public figure! Imagine.. :-) :-)

DINK life
When people asked WHEN we will have children, my husband always replied "We are in a DINK life!.". Usually people always blurred and haywired. Haha..padan muka

DINK is Dual Income No Kids. This organization is Childfree by Choice basis but they actually promoting more on lifestyle. No, I'm not promoting the idea, I just support their guidance and tips for living for two. We simply cannot equate ourselves with parents, but we should synchronize our life according to the current neccessity which is the real life, not according to our perennial longing and mourning. There are many categories for example,- lifestyle, home, pet (in our culture ramai suka bela kucing), love and sex, health, property, travel, food, and so on. The stories inspired me, and one more thing, they not defend harshly their view, rather they asking for understanding. I was attracted to the idea of living freely and enjoy every single moment in life as life is not only revolve around kids. This kind of webs and blogs actually a real distraction for me (and also to rub's off the face of inconsiderate breeders! Sorry, I've warned you).  

Actually, there are many issues regarding this topic but I afraid it will stir contoversy, so I better stop here. So, this is my distraction..

P/S: I chatted with my friend who is TTC for 4 years. We exchanged our stories and at the end, I want to cheer her up, so I send her this link: The Top 100 Reason of Not Having Kids. I don't know her reaction because she never commented on it. Again, I'm not opposed the idea of having kids. For me, as I said before, it is Allah's plan and I accept my fate.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Day 28 & 29

If fate means you to lose, give him a good fight anyhow. ~William McFee

Day 28:
Have you ever done something “non-traditional” in order to help you conceive?

I never understand about non-traditional' things in conceiving. But I think this question have similarity with Day 2. So, the answer is NO. Never did I try something non-traditional.
(Post of Day 2)

Day 29:
Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.

This question also have the similarity with Day 5: Letter to a Fertile Friend. The person I talked in that post (let say her name is Ray) recently gave labour of her son pre-maturely and texting me, which I thought I feel honoured. At least, she did informed me without me heard it through the grapevine. Although she gave answer in a short message for every question I asked her, I still believe she still my close and real friend.

I YM-ing with another single close friend of us (let say her name is Nita), asking her to accompany me visit this new-mother. Actually Nita is closer to Ray as Ray used to stay for years at Nita's home. Means they are housemate. Ray got married and bunting pelamin. I chatted with Nita asking if she is free on the date. Nita replied OK but with little hesitation. Nita frankly told me that Ray has changed and unexplained frigid. I just knew from Nita that Ray actually being warded for a week before delivery. The fact that she being pregnant and warded is heard through the grapevine and Nita sort of 'feel sensitive' about that because she was not informed first-hand.

Valid.I thought I was over-sensitive for being childless, heart-wrenching for hearing my best friend bunting pelamin. After all her doing (as I wrote in that post), I still in denial that I believe she is my friend and I just having emotional upheaval. But after chatting with Nita, I relieved that what I feel about Ray's change is damn true. She completely isolated us (me and Nita) from her life, and just reply/chat happily the updates and status of Facebook from her friend with similar status.

I am a rational childfree but if Ray forgot/neglect us as her friend, I don't bother to claim her as my friend.

Friday, 25 May 2012

Day 27

To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart. ~Francesco Guicciardini

Day 27:
If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?

How could we know our future.
How could I know that I have trouble in conceiving.
What choice do I have in this life.

It is Allah's plan.

(This is theoretically written). If I kwow that in the future I have trouble conceiving, I choose two things in my life.

1) I don't want to get married. (Hah, possible kah? I'm head over heels with my husband!)
It's  just that I am willing to carry this burden alone. The burden that I don't want any other person, especially to the one I love so much to bear the burden together with me. Because I love him so much so I don't want him to listen to my vent, or my rambling  or my anger towards inconsiderate people and not to mention, having sex with him on schedule.

Before I got married, I was worried if people called me 'andartu' or 'andalusia'. But after facing this infertility for 2 and half years, I don't mind bearing those title rather than being imprinted in everyone's mind that I am barren. At least, the single woman have freedom to choose and to live their life without care other person. I, in fact, have several plans, but I have to make it parallel and synchronize with my husband's plan.

It is not that I'm not grateful that I was bestowed with wonderful and doting husband. It is only that I pity him for bearing this burden with me. However, the childfree life actually make our bond stronger, understand each other better, and love each other deeper.  Again, Allah has His plans.

2) I want to further my Master in coursework and straightly enrol for PhD program
Before I got married, I enrolled for the Master programme in fully research. The research although have no classes but it takes a lot of work, particularly when the research is in new niche area and I have no teammate. So, the study period is extended over semesters because I do not get enough and solid resources and data.  Compared to Master program by coursework, it takes only less than two year, and the fastest will be one year.

There are so many issues arose when I registered for my Master back then. The issues that I wrongly-anticpated i.e. infertility journey never came across in my mind, so I made my decision carefully and wisely depending on my situation and career establishment . If I knew that I have difficulties in conceiving, I will not take into accounts of the issues I had forcasted before. Hmmm..

We the mortal can just only plan, but it is Allah to determine everything.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Day 26

Day 26:
What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy?

We store a lot:
1) Boxes
2) Shoes
3) Books
4) Old manual washing machine
5) Office table - but I put our printer, papers, stationeries,
6) Old magazines
7) Shoe racks

Recently, I sort out my garments and transform the 'nursery' into closets. Oooh seronoknya konon-konon macam fashionista yang nak keluar beli coffee latte di New York. Kah kah kah kah.

Sometimes we never know a tiny move and wanderless action can uplift our mood. Cuba lah!

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Day 25

Day 25:
Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility

The question is asking about a time when we made someone to understand about infertility, but in my case, the time is still on-going, because my own mother can never understand why I'm still not pregnant.

Every time she called me, we will end up with arguing and fighting verbally on this issue, and she as usual, use veto power as a mother claimed that I broke her heart.

I know that she is more tensed than me, since she mingling a lot with her friends who has a daughter or daughter in law and her friends are most of them a grandmother, although their daughter or son getting married months or years later than mine. Her friends on the other hand keep bugging her to ask me to do some treatments like fertility massaging at Tukang Urut so and so, go to Dr so and so, try Biodex, try pills so and so, and many many more. My mother giving excuse to them that I am far from her, but her friends insist her to inform me through phone. Makcik-makcik perangainya lagi parah! Menyampah aku.

Sometimes my mother do understand that I'm just not a mother, not sick or having terminally-ill sickness. But there are a lot of time she think that I'm not put any effort. I wrote several times that she don't care much if I bearing a child or not, but actually it just because she still have some respect to my father, my siblings and my husband.

Dear Mum, I'm sorry you are not a grandmother like your friends. I know you want to kiss the cheek of a baby and throwing an aqiqah ceremony for your future grandchild, calling your marhaban group to do their performance in our home, making bunga telur and nasi kunyit manually to be given to your marhaban groups. But I'm sorry, my womb is still empty.

Monday, 21 May 2012

Day 24

Day 24:
How has your financial situation affected your infertility journey?

No, I don't think so.

Most of the infertility spending comes from the treatment cost, consultation, medications like infertility drugs, vitamins, supplements, herbal product, equipments to support infertility like thermometer to record the temperature (and any other equipments that I don't know), the uncountable test sticks (HPT and ovulation test)and not to mention, alternative treatment like acupuncture, Islamic treatment, or going to diet programme at weight management centre.

It is not including the HSG test, IUI or IVF, which I think I'm not into them, particularly IUI and IVF fork a lot from the saving.

I even own no medical insurance and sometimes it scares me. .

From the above list, I admit I spend only about 3 to 5 percent from my salary for treating fertility. But it depend on my determination. I think that I spend more on fertility-killing food like fast food as my lunch or dinner. Hm..

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Day 23

Day 23:
Does your religion (or lack of) help/hurt/affect your infertility journey? Have you found religion? Lost it? Does it affect what treatments you do?

As an infertile Muslim, I'm so ashamed to confess that I did not try everything available in this world to get a zuriat. I know my deeds are not achieving soleh or falah (success), let alone doing any extra sunnat deeds. Religion has been a great role where we belive that God has another plan to us, we believe that if the time is not yet, then it's not. As a Muslim, the dependency to God superior to anything this world, and one cannot deny of defy the fact that everything is in God's plan.
The rizq, or death is God's secret and no one knows any of them.

It is Allah's plan.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Day 22

Day 22:
Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc.

I never know throughout my life anyone is the product of fertility treatment and neither I am. Mungkin I je yang have this prolem kot..Haha..

There is someone who is a co-worker of my husband, who is very rich as her husband is working offshore in Brunei. She have two sons, the oldest one is 18 years old while the youngest one is 9 years old. She is very humble and down-to-earth despite her family position and driving the luxurious car to school. While everyone accused and mocked my ability of getting pregnant, she defended me by saying that I'm still studying and need to focus on my study before establish a family.

I'm just suspecting her children are the product of infertility, based on wide age gap between her two sons, or maybe the second one is the infertility yield. After all, RM10k (below or above that price) for fertility process like IUI or IVF macam taik gigi je for her. Beli kereta import untuk her son pun cash je. Haha..!

Friday, 18 May 2012

Day 21

Day 21:
What is your favorite infertility-related quote? It doesn’t have to be explicitly related to infertility, but one that means something to your personal journey.

I always tell myself that "Kenapa perlu being miserable untuk benda yang belum wujud?" It soounds harsh when I refer the bouncing and cherubic baby as 'benda yang belum wujud'. But if I twist the sentence according to the soothing one that my ear want to hear, or my mind want to accept, or my eyes ready to read, it make no difference. I want to live my life to the fullest, use all the time to read all the books I can't read, make use all the time to watch stupid romantic comedies as couch potato, use of leisure time to acquire knowledge as much as possible, to do online business selling the things that is not avaiable in Malaysia, and if God permit, I want to pursue a PhD after I finish my Master.

I don't care if people said I was old enough to built a family, or I just being selfish chasing for material and higher education but end up in the kitchen, or accused me for being so full of myself always feel young forever--I don't want to be like you breeders! If Allah said the time has come, I'll embrace it. If Allah said I'm not meant to be a mother, why should I blame Him, as I'm indebted to Him for my creation. If Allah said I'm not meant to be a mother, I always thankful to Him for giving me a very decent family, my serious father, my talkative mother, my lawyer loyar buruk little brother, my poker face another little brother, and the utmost one, my sweet-bending-eyelash husband for making me that I always rich for having all of them as my priceless treasure. I'm not saying all of the above just to prove that I living in denial. I want children, but that is something beyond my control.

Tell me is that a blasphemous living childfree?

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Day 20

Note 1: Thank you to all of you for helping me with the survey. May Allah bless you with rizq, and assistance. To JD (u privatekan blog kah?) and Yannie, thank you so much. Thank you.

Note 2: As anticipated, I can't finish this Infertility Blog Challenge with the stipulated date which supposed to be April 30. You know, it is because I don't think that infertility bother me and husband so much, I mean that infertility is not consumed me, and my pocket. And that's why I was suffocating writing about the infertility in this blog for 19  days, although it were pre-written and automatic schedule posting. It is suffocating.A lot. I admit (and claimed) that I write in this blog just to express my rambling and whining about inconsiderate people, blaming the pompous breeders who apparently not thinking before they speak. It is hurt when people think that making babies is just like buying ice-cream with brands like Cornetto, Walls, Nestle, Magnolia, Haagen Das, Baskin Robin,etc.. Choose the ovulation date and ting!, the baby come out like a scoop of ice-cream and they making joke about our inability. I tell you, there are 2 wives who sneer and show-off to me and their easy capability as a mother making babies every year but they do not know that their husband borrowing money from my husband over time. I'm a bad girl, (next time),if they make remarks of me (for my infertility), I will say, "Beranak banyak-banyak tapi pinjam duit orang pun buat apa? Boleh bagi benih je tapi tak ada telur!"

Back to the issue. So i quit temporarily writing about the challenge and focus on something else. Furthermore, the mood playing its role. So, here I'm back to the blogging world and will drop comments to your blog.


Day 20:
Have you ever bonded with someone IRL over infertility, even just for a few minutes? It could be a family member, friend, neighbour, or even the clerk at the grocery store who noticed your OPK and vitamin purchase. Tell the story.

I told you several times about my childless aunt in this blog. Actually I have two childless aunt. One is paternal aunt and the other one is maternal aunt. The maternal aunt (that I used to write in this blog) have no child, and she admit she never seek any treatment. It happened because she was workaholic.

But did I tell you that she is actually a second wife? Her husband had six (6) children (jika tak silap) with her first wife. Her husband and my aunt get married when I was little, so I can see how she fighting the accusations and sarcastic glance from the world troughout her life. She is the least beautiful among her siblings and that's why my grandmother and my late grandfather were not favoured her, assuming that she will take care of them and be a single lady until last breath. My mother used to mentioned that her life is not as smooth as other siblings, as my grandma and late grandpa not treating her like any other daughter. She is not pretty and always grumpy, so they underestimated her- thinking that my aunt never will get married. However, my aunt had her own dreams. So right after she finished her high school, she left kampung and went to KL alone, staying temporarily at her aunt's home. She built her own life, buying a good car, buying a house, and buying a good garments as she was working in hotel industry. Again, villagers, grandma and grandpa were so narrow-minded assuming that the hotel industry was full of sins and vices to extent they rejected the money given by my aunt. And the narrow minded villagers assumed that she able to live in luxury because she do something bad working in hotel, i.e. being a prostitute. However, my mother defended my aunt because she know everything about my aunt, since she lived with my aunt in her house (at that time both of them were not married and working in KL).

My mother said to me that my aunt is the epitome of the strong woman. She is not pretty but working in hotel industry, with good attitude and some knowledge, enable her to save money from the tips given by celebrities, foreign tourist, and include entourage from Bollywood like Asha Farekh, and she had chance rubbing shoulder among them and sometimes gossipping about their real face without make up with my mother after their working hours when they back home. She met her husband who actually a long-time boyfriend. His first wife of course not taking it gracefully, but she gave her permission, as my uncle (her husband) was making high salary in banking sector (after applying legally with syariah court and what nots). But still, life of my aunt never went smooth after she got married, she was never been accepted in her family in law. After all, who like second wife?

However, my uncle is very fond of my aunt. He love my aunt unconditionally, which all of the family can see that he love being childfree with my aunt. I can see that his marriage with her first wife only on paper because he never disappear from any family event with us. He also do many things with my aunt which (I heard) he can't do with his first wive - travelling, hanging out at cafes, trying new food, island hopping, making mini lawn, watching movies, shopping, etc)..

My aunt used to asked my mother to advise me to seek treatment and not becoming like her. My aunt is very good woman, and she just unlucky in certain way, maybe because she know she is not pretty and have no choice. I and my little brothers love her, my brother mentioned that 'she is special woman, we never knew other woman like her in our life, or in other life'.. That is so true.. She fights alone with the infertility.

Actually, the fact that she used to get pregnant is not knowing by our family, she is very close with my mother and my mother and father always bring her for travel. My brother was shocked when I told him that she used to get pregnant and miscarriage. She consumed aubergine and had fever. Then she took panadols but she awared that after consumed both, the stillbirth took place. My mother always take care of her, particularly when all of them are now being an old citizen, and her husband is still working. I always love her and I love her more like my mother when I know the hardship of being childless.

Erm..the paternal aunt is a special case, she choose to live childfree. I'll write about her later.

Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my ...