Friday, 20 April 2012

Day 19

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. 
-Cyril Connolly-


Day 19:
What tv show/movie/commercial/print ad has bothered you the most since you began trying to conceive? If possible, post it here. Tell us why it bothered you so much

I loathe these titles in one of the most despicable blog in Malaysia

And I detest the self-proclaimed sharp shooter blog owner. I used to post about this issue here
As the owner has boasting around talking about his higher education, his high paid job, his experience studying oversea, got invited in the so-called high class function, or snobbing about his ability as a sharp-shooter, I can see those titles in his blog telling otherwise about his brain.

And I'm glad I'm not alone in this. The most popular online forum in Malaysia also loathe him well(although for different reason)

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Day 18

And oftentimes excusing of a fault . Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse.
-William Shakespeare -

Day 18:
Tell us about a pre-ttc pregnancy “scare.” With your current partner, or with an ex

Do I have pre-ttc pregnancy 'scare'? Yes I do. My menstruation is normal. Sometimes it make its late production for about 4/5 days but I will get my mens for 10 days. After the three months of marriage, I was actually nervous if I got pregnant,since at that time, I was so in love with my husband and I don't want any screaming or crying from baby that will annoy us. It was 3/4 days late, and I was extremely nervous, never excited as expected. I told my husband the possibility of me getting pregnant because I remember at that time we were running out of contraceptive pills. And I'm not sure about my ovulation days.

My husband don't like the idea (of me getting pregnant and we have a child soon), although people around us start asking and talking about me getting fatter, but instead he said to me, if Allah said so, we have to accept it, Allah know everything beyond our knowlegde. I'm not ready at that moment, particularly because I still busy in doing my thesis, and no job. I afraid that baby will ruin our financial stability (and our privacy and travel plan). My mother on the other hand preached to me that a child never make our life poor, in fact He will give another rizq to the child.

The aunt flow eventually made its debut. Pheww!

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Day 17

It is easy to get a thousand prescriptions but hard to get one single remedy.-Chinese Proverb


Day 17:
Tell us your funniest Clomid/Femara/Injectibles mood-swing story. If you don’t have one, tell us your funniest general infertility drug story.

I don't think that I ever facing the mood-swing story on consuming Clomid. I took it as just another drug to treat anything the wrongness in the body system. The thing I remember about Clomid consumption was I had no mood on baby-dancing. However, the Clomid consumption made us utilize our brain that Clomid meant to be for baby-dancing, so if we omit baby-dancing but consuming Clomid, the clomid is useless. The brain signal made us baby-dancing but not as good as spontaneous one. I love the spontaneous, unexpected and surprise one. Not the arranged one according to ovulation calendar. That also why I think after I stop fertility treatment and ignore any ovulation calendar, I become more happier compared when I claimed myself as TTCian. Seriously, no mood swing. It's like it made no difference to me, let alone I achieved success by using Clomid.


There is one funny story about fertility drug. The doctor used to prescribed my husband a drug on increasing the sperm count. It should be taken about 1 or 2 hours before making out. However, athe wild horny factor made my husband confused the drug prescribed to him and my folic acid as both were stored together in one of the drawer. We laughed but actually it kinda turned off to us since the making out was tagged along with instruction (in this case, fertility drug).

Double Boo-hoo!

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Day 16

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.- Kahlil Gibran


Day 16:
If you are not yet a parent: What are you MOST looking forward to about parenthood?
If you are a parent: What is the most surprising thing about being a parent?
If you have taken the childfree path: What is the most surprising part of living childfree after infertility?

Still, I want to answer under the childfree capasity. What is the most surprising part of living childfree after infertility? The surprising part of living childfree after infertility is the

*Pause* - Actually I skipped this question and answered the others. I think this question made me contemplating my best answer since I want to answer based on living childfree.

The most surprising part of living childfree after infertility (I didn't mean to say I give up to be a mother, it just i decided I want to live chidlfree before Allah tell me the right time to be the one) is how much the beauty of life that we missed just because we live in others' expectation. We live in expectation of others (I don't know why I love to repeat my sentence), we working hard chasing the material as we believe in the dogma that money can buy happiness. Yes, i do believe money can buy happiness, it's not we are the materialistic but we need some money in our saving to make us feel secure. The meme money cannot buy happiness is no longer applicable in our world. After all, how do you want to buy the expensive gyane consultation with penniless. Back to the issue. We are succeed in living in the expectation of others. We did our bachelor degree, we got our real job that paid us monthly, we bought a decent car, we bought our little home, we bought life & medical insurance, we bought our garments and hijabs online and offline, we ate at the exclusive restaurants with scrumptious food, we traveled to the places of attractions, we bought other things (and we blogged all of them) ----all the things that are so-called necessity in our life and necessity to other people eyes . We can achieve what we want and what people think we do, but when comes to the rizq and death, it is completely beyond our control. From all the chasing, what we missed actually is the beauty of life. The beauty of seeing life in different angle. Hm..i think it is difficult what the beauty of life in my sense, but I only can give this example ; Have you ever watched the TV series Big C, starring by Laura Linney. In this series, the C (i think) is Cancer. Her world and life seems

*Pause* - again, i skipped writing and that explain why the at the 16th day no entry.It is just so hard to elaborate on the beauty of this life.At least for me.

Continue.. Her world and life turned upside down. At the first season of Big C, Cathy (the main role with cancer, melanoma - kind of skin cancer) was tried to correcting and mending up the broken part of life and her relationship, including her rebellious teenager son, her insanely ecological brother, her weirdo-loving husbnad, her grumpy Alzheimer neighbour and her fat isolated student. The first season saw Cathy counting every blessing for her remaining life to extent she was seen as weirdo. She kept the secret of her disease but eventually confess to her husband after her grumpy Alzheimer neighbour committed suicide. Nearly to the end of the season, the society and family 'treat' her differently but that kind of treatment are not to a favour of Cathy. She stand up, fighting for her life and stand up to be stronger. She see the world and see the beauty for every single thing in life, not to mention appreciate every single thing around her, in a way that cannot be understood by others. (The Season 2 of Big C on Diva 702 every 11pm on Thursday) This is what I want to relate with my situation right now. I used to be a very gediks and plain girl, I don't like join into baktisiswa, I don't like jog under scorching sun, I don't like any adrenaline rush extreme sports, I don't like everyhting sweaty etc. But living childfree now (not involving any doctor appointment or fertility drug), I can see that I transform. I weeped everytime I watched poignant movie, I appreciate every beauty in human beings, I fond of everything that happen in our life, I eager to try new things, I listen to every kind of music and film that has been reviewed and raved by people, I learned the beauty of ettiquette, enjoying every single things that I don't know how to list here...I am inarticulate so I don't know how to explain more, but my view to the world is sort of like Cathy in Big C. That is surprising part for me.

Hmmph..this is crappy English. I don't know why I can't write properly

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Day 15

Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes. - Joyce Armor


Day 15:
If you are not yet pregnant/a parent: What are you MOST and LEAST looking forward to after that first beta?
If you are already pregnant/a parent: What was the most pleasant/unpleasant thing about pregnancy?
If you have taken the childfree path: What pregnancy symptom are you happy to have avoided, and which one do you wish you’d experienced?

Can I answer based on living childfree capacity?

What pregnancy symptom are you happy to have avoided?

Morning sickness!
Credit to: Seattledoulgirl

Which one do you wish you'd experienced?

Wearing glamorous buggy clothes or flowy gorgeous maternity wear like Hollywood celebrities did.

Credit to: IDiva


Saturday, 14 April 2012

Day 14

We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions. - Ian Percy


Day 14:
If a very observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?

I think there are no clues that I intently show to strangers that we are battling infertility but they may think so (based from their saying) because:

I can cook peacefully
I can make deserts or cakes oftenly
Our home always neat and tidy
Our home have a lot of books (tell me which parents have times to read?)
The walls in our home have no Picasso art
We able to buy vase and glass decoration
We able to serve them in good procelain tea set and dinner set
We have our own mini garden
I never drying any cute clothes (rompers or diapers) outside
We have no single colourful toys or teethers in our home
Our home have no milk/vomit smell
Our home have no single barrier/kandang/penyekat like parents do to avoid their children touching electric wires/switches

Credit to: 1sthomedesignideas

I don't know why people (particularly parents) come to our home, seeing the loads of books and asking me "semua ni dah baca ke?"

Of course I do!

Ingat nak buat perhiasan ke?

Friday, 13 April 2012

Day 13

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.  - Confucius


Day 13:
Post the list of potential baby names that you seriously considered, but can no longer use because someone stole it/it became too popular/whatever reason.

I know the question asked to list out the names, but I beg to digress.

The potential baby names that we consider always a simple and short one. No offense,but we are sick with the glamorous and long name given by parents nowadays to their children. Sometimes the names are very short but parents like to experiment with the pronounciation and spelling. For example, Hadi (simple and short) but spelled by their parents in birth registration form as Hadiey. Or Tirana spelled as Teeranha. Sorry but their future teachers and lecturers may puke after calling their names (like 40 or 45 students per class) for taking attendance in a class.

I and my husband used to laugh when reading tweets from Obefiend which sound more or less like this, "nama anak daniel but muka like simpang renggam"..My husband asked me, "What is simpang renggam?"..Hahaha..I told him Simpang Renggam is not "what" but "where".. Haha!

It sounds offensive but  true....! The names like Damiya, Damya, Daniel, Iskandar, Putra, Qaleesya, Edura or something like that never crossed in our minds.  So our baby names might be like Amira, Aisyah, Nora, Lina, Atikah, or Ahmad,Rafi, Fauzi, Nizam, etc..After all, we learned about KISS - Keep It Simple and Short.

Credit to: Ktk985

Again, no offense yah..!

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Day 12

The best six doctors anywhere
And no one can deny it
Are sunshine, water, rest, and air
Exercise and diet.
These six will gladly you attend
If only you are willing
Your mind they'll ease
Your will they'll mend
And charge you not a shilling.
-Nursery rhyme quoted by Wayne Fields, What the River Knows, 1990


Day 12:
Talk about how you chose your RE

I have no RE.

Because we quit from any fertility treatment. Moreover, I was diagnosed with DD ranula- the blocking of salivary gland.So now I focus on my current illness. Last year, I was diagnosed with this illness, albeit no pain and no medication prescribed. People will assume it is thyroid goiter but actually not. I was advised to do a CT Scan and the doctor found that the goiter containing liquid with size of 5cm x 3cm. She also advised me to do the surgery to remove the thing to prevent any virus infection.

I wore my tudung like a very pious Ustazah which I had to cover most part of my chin. However, I did not noticed that the goiter shrinked in 4 or 5 months when my mother in law asked me why I'm seeing doctor, particularly she saw no goiter or abnormalities on my face. Later I found out that my mother in law scrutinization was true. I saw that my face back to normal, with symmetrical jaw. When I came back to my hometown last year (end of the year), my family were shocked seeing my shrinking goiter.

It's like miracle. However, I got the confirmation date to do the surgery which tentatively on 4th April 2012. I met the the pakar bius untuk confirmkan my surgery, but the doctor refuse to do any medical inspection to me if I'm still in doubt with my health condition. I told her that the goiter shrinked.
I saw my usual doctor to show the shrinked goiter, and she allowed me to postpone my surgery, with condition that I have to see her next month to see if the goiter expand again.

Alhamdulillah..I think the positive thinking and the dependency to Allah do their wonders.
Alhamdulillah Ya Allah

Back then, when I seek treatment for fertility reason,we always came to see Dr Lee (the RE) who is very humurous and funny, always told me to relax. I quitted the fertility treatment after we decided that we want to move on with our life. So far, we never thought of going back to fertility treatment, not because we are give up or exhausted with the procedure, but we want to explore the beauty of life gracefully. We decided that we will find another RE after 3 years later. InsyaAllah. For time being, I don't have any fertility doctor and appointments involve.

But, if I found RE as hot as Dr Carlisle in Twilight saga,
Credit to: Sodahead
 I am dumb if I say I'm not looking forward for the fertility treatment.

Haha. Eye candy..!

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Day 11

We do not remember days; we remember moments. 
-Cesare Pavese, The Burning Brand


Day 11:
Post your favorite pre-ttc picture of yourself. Why is it your favorite? If possible, talk about that day/moment.

I have no favourite pre-ttc picture, but I do love all of them. My face was so pure and my fashion sense was developing conventionally, as I did able to wear anything. Anything beautiful. Anything promoted in mannequin.

In this moment, the seventh month of our marriage, my parents and my little brothers coming to our house and have a holiday. However, my husband was so busy and my father drove us to Brunei mindlessly, only to taste different air batu campur in different restaurant after wandering under scorching sun.

Then before they return to KL, we brought them to the beach and my mother snapped this photo. My mother also asked me if I did any pregnancy precautiounary, but I gave her the un-concrete answer. She knew what it's mean and not happy about it, and said "it's up to both of you" instead.

I don't like my pre-ttc pictures because my face look pale and unpolished, but I love all of them because I enjoy my very great hot bods. Love and hate. I always sighed  looking back these photos, knowing that I should working hard to back in shape.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Day 10

It is easier to believe than to doubt. 
- E.D. Martin, The Meaning of a Liberal Education

Day 10:
Other than the song “I Would Die For That,” post a video of a song that has special meaning to you and your infertility journey. Explain it, if you’re comfortable doing so.

I dedicate this song to all ladies out there who are battling the infertility, struggling with endless doctor appointments & faithful hope, and fighting the world. Because there can be miracles, when you believe.

Song Title: When You Believe
By: Whitney Houston ft Mariah Carey


Many nights we prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful a song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there’s much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe


In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer bird
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I’m standing here
My heart’s so full, I can’t explain
Seeking faith and speakin’ words
I never thought I’d say

There can be miracles
When you believe (Whitney: When you believe)
Though hope is frail
It’s hard to kill (Whitney: Mmmmmhhh)

[Whitney and Mariah]:
Who knows what miracles

You can achieve (Whitney: You can achieve)
When you believe
Somehow you will

[Whitney and Mariah]:
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And it’s easy to give in to your fear
But when you’re blinded by your faith
Can't see your way clear through the rain
A small but still resilient voice
Says hope is very near

There can be miracles (Miracles)
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
Somehow you will
You will when you believe
When you believe
Credit: Youtube and AnySongLyrics

Monday, 9 April 2012

Day 9

The miserable have no other medicine. But only hope.
-William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

Day 9:
What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant? Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?

It's about 2 years ago the clothes diaper hit our country. At that time, a lot of mothers using this kind of diaper, but most of them bought them for the sake of trying. They tried a lot of brand to compare; to compare the price, to compare the design and pattern and the quality of the sewing, since it was public knowledge that clothes diaper has been brought to our country, are all made from China.

I became the reseller of clothes diaper at my residential area!

I had no idea why I'm doing that but I believed in my own body that I will be pregnant soon, so I want to give the best to my child. In addition, I'm not working at that time and I want to save our spending so that my husband did not felt the burden, or that was what I thought. I got the capital money from my husband and I sold them. Ianya tidak lah berapa sangat laku seperti pisang goreng panas but I made it. Every month I took the supply from the supplier although I can saw that they were not a good supplier; the price for their products were expensive compared to other brands, the designs and patterns were so dull and boring, they claimed their products were bogus hence the price, and I always
can't met the demands from customer as the supplier always running out of stocks and I had to wait for two or three months.

Credit to: CD Malaysia

Still I'm not pregnant and looking at those products made me cringe.

I quitted when I rejoin the working forces last year.

I still kept the last batch of the products which are consist of baby duvet from flanel, shoes, and some expensive clothes diapers.

Anyone want to buy those things? I will give you special discounts.
I want to weed out of those things from my sight.And my heart. 

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Day 8

We think fast food is equivalent to pornography, nutritionally speaking. -Steve Elbert

Day 8:
Share a recipe for your favorite alcoholic drink (or, if you don’t drink, it can be non-alcoholic but make it fun!), and your favorite comfort and/or post-bfn food.

My favourite post-bfn will be pineaple, coke and fast-food = the sinnest food evaahh!

Credit to:
Here is some good recipe to do pineaple smoothies

Saturday, 7 April 2012

Day 7

Having babies is fun, but babies grow up into people. 
- M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter, "The Price of Tomato Juice"


Day 7:
If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?

If I got pregnant at the first month of trying, my parenting style can be different. If I got pregnant at the first of trying, I believed that I will be a Tiger Mother like my mother. Since I was raised by Tiger Mother, I always think that it is the best way of educating children. This thoughts is due to the lack of research, lack of reading and lack of observation.Yelah, sebab try je sebulan terus pregnant kan.No time to research and read more. My mother is completely diffrent from my mother in law. How about fatherhood? Well, I can say that both my father and my father in law have no difference, might due to their role as a breadwinner so that the parenting style mostly comes from mother. Or so do I think.

If I got pregnant at the first month, I only have chances to read about pregnancy or delivery experience but not on parenthood. The pregnancy is only for 9 month, minus morning sickness and minus shopping for baby things.By the time the baby is off from the womb, I certainly believe that I have no chance of reading, let alone of reading about parenthood.

I might read about baby food or shopping online for baby clothes but not parenting style. For me, the research about parenting style is so important because that's how we will shape and produce our children. The parenting style needs two to tango, which means both father and mother have their own function to educate to their children. This kind of research will not finish until our children reach the certain age, but it is long life learning. It does not mean that we expecting our children to be perfectionist and demanding a lot from our children. We just want our parenting style is appropriate to every phase of their childhood and preserve their self-esteem in order to know his/her own real potential. Every kids is  unique so I think the parenting style to every kids from different families might not be the same. I believe there is no single perfect parents but all of us are trying to be a good, decent and respected parents.

I'm here not saying that the parents who get their children in their early marriage are not a good parent. Allah know everything, and He may think that those parents can do their job as parents without any information, i.e. just depending on their parent's parenting style and their experience. Allah may think that we are not ready yet and wanna us give the best to our children, so He spare some time for us to plan to our parenting style and ready with the information available.

Credit to:  Shakespearessister

If I got pregnant at the first month of trying, I may lack of empathy and sympathy to other TTC friends. I may not understand the difficulties of getting pregnant and I may act as common inconsiderate breeders who are being childish showing off and obsessing about their children in online or offline. Throughout the childfree period, I observe the parenting style of other parents and take into account on the good and the bad of their styles. Sometimes I and my husband discuss about parenting styles that we saw from other parents. We are not blaming or critisizing them, but we take the good one and omit the bad one (in the future InsyaAllah if God permit it). Yang baik dijadikan tauladan dan yang buruk dijadikan sempadan.

Friday, 6 April 2012

Day 6

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. - George Bernard Shaw


Day 6
Discuss how you found your way into the ALI community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad.(ALI = adoption/loss/infertility)

I found my way into the ALI community through Lady Mira's blog, Rebelling Mind. I read the whole posts of her blog and crying all the night thinking on her journey. I'm not only thinking about how she went through all of the hardships and hurdles , but I also weeping on what I'll be doing if I were in her shoes (and here I am). Initially, I'm not so depressed of making babies, as my husband and my close family didn't emphasized too much (except my mother, which I'll tell you later) on having child as life plan. But, blame the working forces and surrounding -- I was surrounded by preggy mommies and facing the Budak semut Bodoh that made me feel so vulnerable. I searched online under keyword infertility which led me to thousands of other infertile couple and their journey in this world. The search led me to Lady Mira's blog and I know I can't write like her. She rendered her journey in her blog in a soothing way, compared to me - I'm writing in shoddy, and sometimes in vain, just to prove and believe in my importance. Hubris I know. Hmmph..

I was so confused back then why there is a rush of having children after marriage. I was bewildered if I am not normal for thinking children is not my priority. I was perplexed if the need of having child as soon as possible is very vital in our culture. Guess I think I get the answer, I live in this baby-crazed world where people always treat their child as commodities for the future. I never know that the idea of having child soonest so that they can help and take care of the parents in the future since both my grandmothers and my late grandfathers maintained and take care of themselves with minimal supervision from my aunts and uncles. After all, I believe, in this material modern world, there is no such thing as children take care of parents, I can see that in current day, the children are in need of working to cater the basic needs of living, and how they will take care of their parents? The answer -- they will hire maid or caretaker to look after their parents. That is what I see now, and think about it for 20 years later, if we are going old, do you think our own son or daughters will quit from their job and take care of us? No I don't think so. I may have diiferent point of view that you may not agree on but I write based on what I see, what I feel, and what I think.

What being part of ALI has meant to you?
Being part of this community taught me about patient, anger, rationality, and politeness.
Being part of this community has taught me know my Creator and Prophet deeper. True I was attending religious school since pre-school until to the university stage but it is so different when we know Allah and Prophet Muhammad by our own exploration and the quest of seeking the truth and reason behind every test and bless.
Being part of this community has taught me to respect others.
Being part of this community has showed me of the real love from husband.
Being part of this has taught me the art of gratitude. I learn to appreciate my spare time. I appreciate more my me-time and leisure because being childless I have opportunity to travel with dear husband, I have the chance to read my favourite books,chance of reading and writing, chance of doing spa/mani/pedi, chance to visit salon more frequent, chance to shop more clothes and shoes,chance to decorate house, chance to do tiny mini garden, chance to get as much knowledge as possible, chance to do something new and many more.

Credit to: Coming2Terms

Bad things in ALI community?

I think there is nothing bad about being in this community, except that I see people always associated infertility with depression and grief. It is inevitable because from what I see, the infertile soul always wanting and longing for the indescribable experience of pregnancy and motherhood. The waiting game has made the TTCians become more vulnerable and fragile. In this case, I admire the spirit of couples who decide living childfree because they are not against the life direction, but they decide that they want to be happy with their spouse. Their excitement on moving on life has caught my attention. It may be different because the feeling of motherhood is not something that we can inculcate in our heart but it is just happened. People will say sorry (sometimes mock) to the infertile couple but will blame the childfree couples for being selfish. The blame is not taken easily by childfree couples but they move on and campaigning to the world that their decision should be respected, not to be castigated or sneered. The important part is that they move on. And we move on.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Day 5

The language of friendship is not words but meanings. - Henry David Thoreau


Day 5:
Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person.

Dear Fertile Friend,

I hope you and your family that you always showing off at Facebook in a pink. I hope all your great life for having doting (and so-called banker) husband and so-called sweet little kids are not only meant for prententious in a pathetic bogus cyber world.

I knew your hardship that i heard from the third party but in front of me, you turned and be a damn perfectionist like Bree Van de Kamp in TV Series Desperate Housewives and pretended that you don't understand my question. I know this life can be hard but we all did. Anyway, Who doesn't?

You changed your life and friends circles as soon as you get pregnant. I know you are competitive in every aspect of life, but you do it secretly and no one notice it. When I asked anything 'imperfect' for the sake of our long-term friendship, you just kept quiet and pretended that you are not sure, but you were actively converse with people with similar status like you.

I know you stop treated me like a friend when you can't hear people gave compliments to me. And you can't even stand when I praised your beautiful sister and admired your gorgeous co-worker.
I know you made me like stranger to you when (you thought) I'm moving ahead of you since you always looked down to me. And I was fool for not noticing it.

I know how it feels when you served me and my husband a three plastic jar of kerepek raya and tea in your wedding after we drove for freaking 13 hours to your post-wedding ceremony.
I know how it feels when your husband only stayed in bilik pengantin while we were visiting..
I know how it feels when your father asked me about 'still not pregnant' things and point his fingers to my belly in your post-wedding.
I know how it feels when you pretended for being feverish when I visited you because you don't want to hangout with us, the childless friends.
I know how it feels when you have no social life after being snobbish about your high-paid salary  (compared to us), while you had to work from dawn to dawn but we the childless circles signed-up for a craft class.
I know how it feels when you trapped in your own 'great life' while you get pregnant without having a chance for a honeymoon and you whined about it.

After all, life is fair, no? You get what people expect from you and I have what you expect for your life.

And I'm sincerely grateful to Allah for that.

Dear Fertile Friend,

You asked me over and over when and when i will get pregnant. You kept telling me I'm old and getting older. You kept telling me that I'm afar from family and friends so I need little companion, like you do.It is just so annoying and I burst out my discomfort. I told you that asking that such stupid question is tantamount of questions of uneducated one; to ask anything about rezeki in question of 'When'. I gave you analogy on how the single friend being asked about when they will get married. We have so many single friends and I thought you understand.

I'm wrong. You blamed me for labelling you uneducated. And you ignored me since then.

Credit to:A Young Woman's Expression

Dear Fertile Friend,

As a congratulation wish for you for having 'complete life' and accepted by so-called 'functional society', i give this to you..

The Phantom Agony by Epica

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Day 4

Simply having children does not make mothers.  -John A. Shedd


Day 4:
Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile?

Definitely Hari Raya!

I don't like the perennial stupid question like "When" and "Why".
Plus "how long you two have been married?"

And I don't like unsolicited and pathetic comparison. Such as:

"Go for Bidan Mak Limah. Clara was childless longer than you and now she has a cute son"
"Go for Bomoh Marang Kerapu. Laura was childless and now he is waiting for his 5th child"
"Go for Professor What-ever. He has his own herbal medicine to treat your inability."
"Try this tips. I asked Temah to do it and she is waiting her EDD..Berseri rupa ibu mengandung"
"Go for alternative medicine. Patutlah gemuk, makan ubat doktor. I forbid my daughters to eat ubat doktor."
"You are like your childless aunt. Keturunan agaknya."

Let me give my bitchy justification.

I don't want to be like Clara because she is pompous about her cute son..
I don't want to be like Laura because she is not rich. She borrow my childless aunt some money to buy her 4th child a stock of diapers and formula milk.
I don't want to go Professor What-ever. If he is so great, why I never read about him in newspaper?
I don't want to be like Temah. Temah's husband glanced at my breast nefariously.
You can forbid your daughters. But my father did not. Thank God you are not my father. Phew!
Your keturunan is not so classy. Is is true I heard all your children are school-dropouts?

Credit to: Ok Free Date

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Day 3

Vanity is so secure in the heart of man that everyone wants to be admired: even I who write this, and you who read this. - Blaise Pascal


Day 3:
When talking to your fertile parenting friends, what is/was your favorite “perk” of childlessness to rub in their face? Sleeping in? Vacations? Hot pre-pregnancy body? Come on, confess!

When talking to my fertile parenting friends, my favourite "perks" of childlessness to rub in their face are (according to rank and suitability):


1) My master thesis

I always use this "perks" to rub in their face. Usually, they will enjoy showing off their babies and talking non-stop how blissful their life is, how being a mother is indescribable, what they shopped for their babies, the full of her/himself about their babies, and the list goes on.After they asked me when I will get my own baby, I said "after I finish my study". They will shut their ugly mouth off. And they suddenly become curmodgenly grumpy..Haha!

1) Heels
From my humble experience of being childless, my submission to heels inviting jealousy among mothers. Mothers here are not merely 4 or 5 mothers, but more than that. I like to wear heels because as I used to read in the book titled "The Wives' Book: For the Wife who's Best at Everything" the 10 Tips for Modern Wife. One of them is

"Don't worry about putting on weight - wear higher heels"

Witty. But I like wearing heels since I was single and I think I should not tossed my heels just because I gain my weight.Weight gain is inevitable to wives, no?

Some mothers mocking me wearing heels by creating their 'child saying' like, "anak akak cakap kasut macam ni kasut banjir". (followed with the pretentious giggles from me and envious laugh from mothers).
The other said "my toddler is hyperactive and how i can chasing her/him if I wearing heels like you?".
The other will said "alaaaa..belum ada anak boleh la pakai, dah ada anak nanti patah pinggang mendukung anak, masa tu baru pandai cari Bata".
Another mother will say, "I feel like bangau wearing heels".
Credit to: Shutterstock

At the end of the day, all of them trying to fit their giant leg to my heels, asked me the tips on how to wear it right, and whining about their husband for not permitting them to buy new shoes..

{raising eyebrows}

2) Good reads

Since I'm not pregnant, why should I bother seeking knowledge of baby thingy (particularly in public)? Fashion and beauty will make my husband love me more.

Furthermore, seeing my table and my beg consist some fashion and beauty magazines and some good books, the fertile mothers will talk about their kids less. Seeing me flipping the good magazines pages make them reduce their egoism about fertility toward me. I used to sit among mothers who always boasting about their pregnancy expriences, and they flipping and exchanging low-minded books and magazines among them, but soon after,they hiding those bogus books and magazines when I took out and read my good books. And they stopped talking about baby bump.

Plus,the collection of good reads will certainly shut up the blithe tongue of mothers who come to my home just want to insult me with --"your home is beautiful and your floor is sparkling because you are childless"..

Get it?

3) High quality and classy garments, add make up.

Appearance is very important. Particularly the childless one like me. I used to work with a childless senior but apparently she had an appearance and body odour problem. Her TTC story was public knowledge and she always talked about it to me. One day, several officemates came to me and asked me to talk nicely to her; if she can changed her appearance and asked me to join with them to buy a branded perfume set.I sweared to God if I have the heart to do so but I don't have the temerity to do that albeit the problem sometimes uncomforted me .I just gave lame excuse; maybe the senior in her menstruation and her imbalance hormone betrayed her body. At the end of our secret conversation, one of the junior made the summary and said like this, "patutlah dia tak beranak, agaknya laki dia pun tak selera nak main dengan dia!"..

I never want to educate women out there about appearance, as I know you are more diligent and more meticulous  than me, but can you see how importance the appearance of a woman, particularly our community look up to the childless women? I'm not talking about celebrity-like make up or photoshoot-3cm-thickness make up but I dont want to be seen as walking corpse.
Credit to: WeLoveHijab

That thing became a wake up call for me although I was single at that time. And I am grateful to be part of the secret conversation as it shape my opinion about appearance, although sometimes my husband complaining and making jokes how meticulous I am in my dolling up session.

After all, he can't forever whining about it since I got compliments from my previous students, his students,the makcik cleaner, the Apek tauke kedai hujung jalan, RnR staff and his nieces and nephews...You can say I am so perasan, and helpless vain, and now you can puke!.

The biras that I used to write here who always saying to me "best ada anak", "best ada budak kecil dalam rumah","best bila ada baby" ,just can swallowed her saliva when her kids always seized her brooches and her accessories. Did I tell you she wearing cheap make-up made her face like bibik going downtown?

Call me bitchy, but seeing that made me smirked and delirium creeping in my vein..

4) Being an active couple
-watching movies at cinema/watching teathre
-going to book sale carnival
-going to carnival/expo/festival/exhibitions (Homedec, art exhibition, watching cavalcade, etc)
-involve in extreme sport / normal sport (Yes we do, especially diving and we are planning to get a diving licence. Diving without licence not giving us the supposed satisfaction since we just can dive not more than 12m. Looking and gazing every inch of deep down under the sea made us grateful for every single things Allah had provided to us. Indescribable. No words can eloquently explain how grateful we are to Allah who has gave His permission to us to explore His creation, only to realize that His creation is not only a human from my womb, but all His creation in His universe)


1) Vacation.
Upload a lot of vacation photos.This will make mothers hide you from their wall.

2) Updating status on good read
Utilize all the share buttons. When the baby-craze world updating about their babies, updating about your current reads or funny good links.  (which are anything unrelated about pregnancies or babies). You will surprised how much like-minded friend do you have.

Eh, macam terbagi tips pulak.Haha!

I may not answering the question which want the favourite 'perks' when talking to fertile friend, but these are what I do before they giving unsolicited advices or showing unwelcomed non-sense compassion ugly faces. But when do the talking, vacations and my study always be my favourite.

Monday, 2 April 2012

Day 2

The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice.   - Author Unknown


Day 2:
Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception. Where did you hear it? Did it work for someone else? Did you try it?

The most ridiculous thing I ever heard about conception coming from my grandmother. I rang her and she always sighing about my lackness, but she never blaming me nor insulting me, she just believe that I'm kind of woman with "lateness syndrome". She means that my "lateness syndrome" is hereditary because my mother conceived me after one and a half year after marriage. And "lateness syndrome" (for her) is normal, because her daughter (my aunty) is childless until now. (FYI, my aunty is 58 years old)

One day, I asked her on the tips to get pregnant, she gave me this:
Let say you are kinda "late" (difficult to conceive), search around you a very fertile woman. Tell her that if you are conceive, the baby will be adopted by her. Let me put this way. Let say the "late" woman is A. A have trouble of conceiving and A got a fertile sister or a fertile cousin, let her name is B. A say to B that if she got pregnant, she will give her baby to B (to be adopted). B agree.  When A is pregnant and labour the baby, A will show her baby to B and say "this baby is yours as we agreed". But B knows the tradition and B said, "ok, thank you so much, and I give this baby back to you". As a thank you symbol, A will cook nasi kunyit and give it to B's family. Or A can cook nasi kunyit and other food to invite some people as a small feast like 'kenduri kesyukuran'..

Credit to AlmostBourdain

This tips should be known by two parties, in this case A and B. Because, if B is so not knowing this thing, she will assume that A is giving her baby for real and claim the baby. My grandmother said, the "lateness syndrome" was common in her time, and a lot of woman with "lateness syndrome" were succeed with this way.

I told this tip to my mother and my childless aunty. My aunty also confirmed the story but she never practised it. My aunty told us that the tip also used by those who want baby in another gender. Means, if A has a lot of daughters and want to conceive a son, she can search for a woman with a lot of sons, and vice versa. She told me the reason behind this tip is to 'trick' or 'threat' our stubborn egg (our potential conceived baby). If we do this tip, the 'stubborn egg' might heard this and afraid to be adopted or gave to another person, and (s)/he will be conceived soon to prove him/herself to the mother. 

I almost trying this tip, but my mother against it, because she don't want any khurafat or superstitious thing in conceiving baby, fear of something bad will come along with the baby. She asked me to ask from Allah and not from other creature, because it can lead to syirk.

So, that is the most ridiculous thing I heard about conception but never try it.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Day 1

Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant.- Jim Cole


So, the first April in third year marriage, still childless. I posted about the 30 Days Infertility Blog Challenge here and decided to wrote about them. Should end on April 30 but pemalas is my middle name and not doing any treatment right now.

Day 1:
How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?

Frankly, we never talked about children while we were dating and we never thought about childrens' name. When we were got married, we only thought about honeymoon and living a good life that we dreamed and drooled over while were were dating and strolling all over the malls in Klang Valley.

Here is the brief chronology about my (in)fertility life:

Dec 2009- Married

Jan 2010-Aug 2010 - We don't want baby so contraceptive pills and condom helps

Aug 2010 - Oct 2011 - Trying to conceive : If I knew that it is very hard fo me to conceive a baby, I swear I will not do anything fool like I did. The first month trying to conceive, I was convinced I'm pregnant, particularly when my mother called me and told me that she had a dream,a dream about me carrying my baby in my arm. The aunt flow comes unexpectedly and we tried months after months. I bought a lot of Ovulation Predictor Kit, folic acid, and Obimin Plus, not to mention Urine Pregnancy Test. The common tips and old wives tales about improving fertility not helping either. In 2011 I rejoined the working forces, and that's how I met the despicable Budak semut Bodoh. Who said I have the strength to confront her? Because of her detestable tounge, I felt so depressed and opened this blog to pour out all my revulsion. My husband always here to listen but somehow I felt I can tell him anything but not everything. Same goes to this blog, I can write anything but not everything.Haha.

In between, May 2011 - July 2011: We met an O&G doctor. First month, the doctor asked us to try naturally. The next month, I was prescribed with Clomid and folic acid. Third month, husband was prescribed with sperm drugs (after his sperm was tested) and doctor gave me nothing. It was very costly and I decided I don't want to go through this anymore. I decided that if the time is not yet, so what I did was wasting. The doctor told me that my womb is so good and nothing wrong with my reproduction system so I knew that the rizq is not yet.

Oct 2011- current: Enough on all depression and baby madness. I quit all folic acid that made me fat and husband told me that he want to be happy with me, regardless with child or living child free.

So,back to the question, how did I and my husband decide when we were ready to start trying to conceive. It just happened, when I saw friends within my age and friends with same soleminization date got pregnant, and a lot of questions from family and relatives. I was trapped in this baby-craze world where I drooled over the baby clothes and romper that made me itching to buy it. (Apparently, the baby things I bought online I gave to my nephews and nieces).

I told my husband I want to get pregnant. It was exactly 8 months of our marriage and I thought,"hey, am I not normal?"..Yeah, i thought women who not pregnant after several year of marriages are not normal and I don't want to be part of them, and I started looking around me and figuring out who else in my life living child free. I was trying hard but Allah want to show me that women who I thought are not normal is ME.So, with my confession here, if you want to blame me and say "Serve you right", I don't mind. I'm just grateful that I am part of this community and I'm grateful Allah has 'pinch' me with this 'tiny' test.
Image googled. Credit to owner

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