Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Seeing the ustaz, or so-called

Sept 22, 2011

I lost the car key today before went back from work. I called my husband and asked him to send me the extra key. My husband, i saw, was putting grumpy face with the incident. Then, i rushed back to home, only to know that my husband arranged an appointment with the ustaz.My husband told me he wanted to asked about my neck lump, I didn't took my bath, and straightly we went to his friend's house. The friend that i don't like. It's not that I always being prejudice but he is not friendly toward me. I was told that the ustaz is his relative.

We arrived at the ustaz house and my husband tell the ustaz about my neck lump. The ustaz advised me to do some things and he says nothing about paranormal things or anything but only because of my eating habit. He advised me to ask my family if i have any food allergic. Ok. I thought it will be a short meeting, but it's not ended there.

My husband eventually voice out our 'problem', that we are trying to conceive, in front of his friend! I feel humiliated,because it was done in front of his friend, our officemate. It's not that i don't want people to know our efforts but i feel more comfortable if the process is done with someone I trust and comfortable with, not with someone I don't like.
What I felt at that time was...only a dark empty transparent hole blanketed me. When the ustaz asked me everything i just nodded, staring on the floor, looking at the face of ustaz,searching for the sincerity in everyone's face in the house and i felt so empty..I felt like i have nothing. The ustaz made for us some water and he said there is nothing wrong about us, it just the rezeki is not yet for us..I just feel so down when the ustaz also told to my husband that it is not my fault if i'm not pregnant yet..Why the blame for everything bad should be on woman? Moreover, the ustaz was like snobby on his
ability, tell us stories about couples seeing him and asked for his help and they have 3,4 children now. The ustaz sugar-coating his ability by saying "tapi, itu semua Qada' dan Qadar'..If that so, the ustaz should not boast his doa ability or whatever water given by him to the couples like us. Qada' dan Qadar kan..

At the time the ustaz gave his consultation, the friend had to answer the call. He went outside and didn't know the detailsof the consultation. After he came back, the consultation is over. He immediately asked the ustaz like this, "Jadi ustaz, mereka ni ada apa-apa masalah tak?"

The ustaz said "No". I just thought the friend is so damn fucking "busybody" yet I still kept silent. If we have problem,so you are the first person to know about them and will tell everybody in our office?
In the car headed to our home, he kept telling the stories about his family members and his friend about getting pregnant after some years of marriage. Huh!

I believe if we see a treatment or do a treatment, we accompanied by our husband, or mummy, or our nearest family, or someone we comfortable with. My husband instead, accused me after it was over, assumed me that i will 'fire my bomb' for not discuss this thing with me first. Ironically, I just kept silent and said 'I don't know, I feel nothing anymore..'

I'm shivering, It's not I don't like seeking treatment, it just i'm not ready because my husband not telling me or discuss with me..let alone with someone I don't like. I want to be a mum, i longing for a baby, but i want them because i want them, not because of other people.

{wiping tears}


  1. sabar.

    tu saja. aku faham perasaan kau. sakit kan kalo husband sndrik tak paham. aku gak penah berada dlm situasi yg sama.

    cari masa, ckp heart to heart with him (in my case, lead to a huge fight, but sikit aku tak kesah sbb akhirnya semua yg build inside terhambur keluar, dan die sedar apa yg selama ni kita rasa).

    just remember this, men are stupid. that's why women have to stand behind them, supporting them.

    die sekarang bermain perasaan, hanya perasaan dia. yg mana tak dapat anak. die tak tahu perasaan kita.

    aku tak pasti kes kau, tp in my case, famili die mengapi2kan die, sbb aku tak pregnant lagik. & i made it clear to him that, aku menyampah, benci ngn mereka yg bersuara sumbang tu. igt anak banyak, sume baik ke? semua menjadi ke?

    again, sabar. and discuss.

    jgn pendam2 lagik. luahkan.

  2. B&C.. betul kate S.. sy pn rase awk kene diskas dgn hasben. mmg akan gado besa but at least die phm gak x byk, sikit. Sabar ya.. jgnlah nangis2..

    ~S~.. sy sokong statement awk =)

  3. hmmm...sian awk...kalu saya pun mesti tak selesa.lain la kalu org tu betul2 close dgn kita kan...

  4. S: dulu saya diam je, senyum..sedih rasa kekurangan..tapi kita yang kena makan balik, sebab orang jadi mua dan pijak kita balik..but now, i decide nak sembur, walaupun orang tahu kita TTC tapi tak akan berani nak perli2/api2kan sebab takut kena sembur..

    ingat banyak anak bagus sangat ke? diorang cuma cerita seronok banyak anak je, tapi part yang diorang tak cerita adalah : bab masa -tak banyak masa sebab masa yang ada kena layan anak, bab penampilan - mata panda sebb tak cukup tidur anak bangun tengah malam nak nyusu, bab duit - nak2 yang jenis beli pampers dan beli susu formula, bab kesabaran - actually diorang malu anak throwing tantrums in public tapi masing2 buat muka tebal, bab holiday - diorang boleh nak mcam kita berhoneymoon sentiasa, masing2 kena angkut anak2 beg berkoyan2, entah2 takde duit pun nak, jangan nak mengata orang yg belum ada rezeki macam kita ni..

    Sepasang Kurung Biru: Lebih baik gaduh dari diam diri kan? Memanglah, rasa kalau berdiam diri orang akan pijak kita balik..

    eKa: sangat tak selesa..orang yang betul2 close pun kita akan pilih yang reliable kan..macam mak ayah kita ke..ini takat nak senyum pun payah, macamlah dia tu hensem sangat bini orang nak kat dia.Hih bencinya


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