Thursday, 29 September 2011


Sept 24, 2011

I and my husband had a huge fight. It happened because I can't stay calm about seeing the ustaz things several days ago.
I asked him how can he know about that ustaz?
I asked him why he should lie to me that seeing the ustaz only to ask about my neck lump, not about TTC?
I asked him why it should be accompanied with that friend? The friend he is not so-close, and create a big gap with me for some unknown reason.
I asked him why he can't defend me, like he always do?
I asked him why, why, why..

Practically all of the above has answers but it ended with a huge fight.

I asked him how can he know about that ustaz?
He tell me about his light conversation with that friend, light conversation that they always did just to kill the time in the toilet sneaking for smoking. That friend always asked him how long we are married, and my husband told him we are nearly 2. The friend made an assumption "Belum ada anak, kesiannya....". And he recommended to my husband about the ustaz. My husband also tell me that kind of conversation always take place but he never tell me because he know it will break my heart. However, due to the illness with surgery possibility that I facing right now made him a bit afraid and he agreed to see the ustaz, without telling his friend about the main reason i.e. my illness

I asked him why he should lie to me that seeing the ustaz only to ask about my neck lump, not about TTC?
He said he's not lying. (Yeah, theoretically but not practically). He tell me he want to kill two birds with one stone.

I asked him why it should be accompanied with that friend? The friend that we are not so close with.
Like I expected, this friend want to show to us the ustaz house. But I think the friend want to sneak into our 'private' life.

When I asked him why he can't defend me like he always do?
He can't take the questions and started scold me for being ungrateful. He insisted that I always blamed him, not thanked him for what he had done. And that's the beginning of our fight.It's not I'm ungrateful. I know some people will blame me and said that I should be lucky have a chance to see the ustaz who can help me, and should be lucky having a husband who will do anything for me.

But, i beg to differ.
First, like I said before, I don't like strangers enter our life. That friend made an assumption which is theoretically true but I still believe I'm not meant to become a mother yet because I'm still a postgraduate student. I still believe in Allah's plan. Not that I don't want a baby but I believe the time is not yet.

I still confused why my husband had the temerity to let the strangers come into our life, because from what I know, he don't like any person to be 'busybody' with our life. He is not quite get along with that friend but how come he follow what that friend recommendation. It is okay if my husband asked about my illness, but not about TTC in front of his not-so-close friend. In short hand, I don't like him..I mean, the friend, not my husband.

I don't like people asking me why or when about pregnancy. Why or when are the two questions beyond my knowledge. The word 'kesian' to me is somewhat downgrading someone. I feel I was humiliated in the indirect way,like I have nothing (like I wrote before). Why he should pity too much to us, while our families don't care about me being mother or not (they may ask, but not to me, maybe in discreet). When my mother-in-law called me, she never asked if I'm pregnant, but asked me how
my thesis going on, am I in the pink or not, what I cook for today, when we will back to our kampung, update stories from family members but not on pregnancy..

I have this intention, if he ask or comment again about my so-called lackness and so-called disability, I will let him know that marriage is not about making children with low quality with high quantity, but it is more than that. I want to let him know that strangers is unwelcome into my life, so get out!

Update - (28th Sept 2011,10:27am)
We reconciled, after some thoughts. He was being nice to me before but I ignored him. He asked me to accompany him but then I replied "Tak perlu ajak saya, pergi ajak kawan celaka abang tu!". He persuaded me but still, i neglected him. Somehow, he was not made an apology to me, neither am I

I don't know what to do. I don't know either if our officemates gossiping about us, but I don't care anymore. I reconciled with my husband because I realized our journey still going on and this is our life (sort of) tribulation. I let out of my anger, yelling and screaming and did no usual housechores. He done all housechores, and I only go out from bedroom only to eat i.e breakfast, lunch. He did bought me some my favourite cake and pastries but I didn't touched them. All the food went rotten in the dustbin. He also did the laundry, as I made an excuse I have no clothes to put on when he asked me to accompany him to open house.

But my intention to 'sembur' that friend still not vanish. Nantilah, jaga kau nanti!


  1. samalah saya sebelum ni 3 hari berturut2 bergaduh.lelaki ni mmg ego kan?last2 kita jugak kena mintak maaf.

  2. it's so complicated.

    nak2 plak kalo libatkan orang luar kan..
    even myself and husband pernah bergaduh teruk gara2 his friend yg x friendly and layan i mcm sampah then he back up them.apatah lagi on sensitive issue mcm nih..

    i'm not sure whether i can give u some advice or not but i think both of u kena btolkan keadaan cepat2.yess..i think he's guilty.but time2 camnih setan memang suka duduk dekat kita.

    make him really understand yang u x suka what he did,y u x suke and ensure dia x buat lg next time.pass is pass.benda dh jadi pun.nothing u can do.berbincang and move on..

    good luck!

  3. it is good for your for not simpan2 lagik. luahkan. walaupun mmg surely leads to a huge fight. jgn simpan. selalu buat postmortem lepas sesuatu berlaku.

    teladan utk kowang berdua jugak. so that kau tahu apa dlm hati dia dan dia tahu apa dalam hati kau.

    tp, after the storm has passed, berbaik lah balik. (though kalo aku sndrik, sometimes i took me almost 1 week to finally ok dgn husband)

    tp, satu je, jgn simpan2. awal2 dlu aku simpan. mmg mcm nk gila. seyes cam nk gila. aku siap rasa nk admit diri kat tg rambutan lagik.

    so its not my place *really* to give advise sbaner.

    cmne pun. hang in tight.

  4. org lelaki skang mmg suke nyibuk2 mcm org pompuan huh! sbb diorg pun suke gossiping like woman. Byk dah jupe spesis camni especially kt opis2 gomen.

    awk bykkan sabar yer, kalau marah tu, istighfar.. maaf x semestinya org tu betul kan.. mcm mahujadiibu ckp, lelaki ego.. xpe wak kalau isteri say sorry 1st. Lepas tu nnt mesti awk akan rase lega dan lapang dada.. =)

  5. men sometimes don't know how to express their feeling. Saying 'I'm sorry' is included. I think he's trying to say he is sorry by doing all the housechores, buying your fav food etc... Reconcile cepat-cepat ya... :-) Insya-Allah, ada hikmah tu...

  6. Mahu Jadi Ibu: memang ego..terpaksa layankan je..

    Myself: yes, ini isu sensitive..yang i'm not allow strangers to play their part unless i permit them.. saya sekarang move on, walaupun bila teringat tu rasa geram sangat.

    S: walaupun gaduh, aku rela..sebab rasa naik meroyan fikir least, dia tahu aku tak suka strangers masuk our private life..

    Sepasang Kurung Biru: Tak sangka kan orang laki suka gosip2 macam ni..memang sakit hati menengok muka dia sekarang ni..

    Sweet Tooth: Huhu, memang reconcile pun at last..nak buat macamana, benda dah jadi..mungkin small thing bagi mereka tapi it's a big deal for me..

    Thanks kawan2 di atas sokongan anda


Race against time

I literally have 15 minutes to write here. There are too much to tell but too little time to actually focus and write from the heart and m...