Thursday, 29 September 2011


Sept 24, 2011

I and my husband had a huge fight. It happened because I can't stay calm about seeing the ustaz things several days ago.
I asked him how can he know about that ustaz?
I asked him why he should lie to me that seeing the ustaz only to ask about my neck lump, not about TTC?
I asked him why it should be accompanied with that friend? The friend he is not so-close, and create a big gap with me for some unknown reason.
I asked him why he can't defend me, like he always do?
I asked him why, why, why..

Practically all of the above has answers but it ended with a huge fight.

I asked him how can he know about that ustaz?
He tell me about his light conversation with that friend, light conversation that they always did just to kill the time in the toilet sneaking for smoking. That friend always asked him how long we are married, and my husband told him we are nearly 2. The friend made an assumption "Belum ada anak, kesiannya....". And he recommended to my husband about the ustaz. My husband also tell me that kind of conversation always take place but he never tell me because he know it will break my heart. However, due to the illness with surgery possibility that I facing right now made him a bit afraid and he agreed to see the ustaz, without telling his friend about the main reason i.e. my illness

I asked him why he should lie to me that seeing the ustaz only to ask about my neck lump, not about TTC?
He said he's not lying. (Yeah, theoretically but not practically). He tell me he want to kill two birds with one stone.

I asked him why it should be accompanied with that friend? The friend that we are not so close with.
Like I expected, this friend want to show to us the ustaz house. But I think the friend want to sneak into our 'private' life.

When I asked him why he can't defend me like he always do?
He can't take the questions and started scold me for being ungrateful. He insisted that I always blamed him, not thanked him for what he had done. And that's the beginning of our fight.It's not I'm ungrateful. I know some people will blame me and said that I should be lucky have a chance to see the ustaz who can help me, and should be lucky having a husband who will do anything for me.

But, i beg to differ.
First, like I said before, I don't like strangers enter our life. That friend made an assumption which is theoretically true but I still believe I'm not meant to become a mother yet because I'm still a postgraduate student. I still believe in Allah's plan. Not that I don't want a baby but I believe the time is not yet.

I still confused why my husband had the temerity to let the strangers come into our life, because from what I know, he don't like any person to be 'busybody' with our life. He is not quite get along with that friend but how come he follow what that friend recommendation. It is okay if my husband asked about my illness, but not about TTC in front of his not-so-close friend. In short hand, I don't like him..I mean, the friend, not my husband.

I don't like people asking me why or when about pregnancy. Why or when are the two questions beyond my knowledge. The word 'kesian' to me is somewhat downgrading someone. I feel I was humiliated in the indirect way,like I have nothing (like I wrote before). Why he should pity too much to us, while our families don't care about me being mother or not (they may ask, but not to me, maybe in discreet). When my mother-in-law called me, she never asked if I'm pregnant, but asked me how
my thesis going on, am I in the pink or not, what I cook for today, when we will back to our kampung, update stories from family members but not on pregnancy..

I have this intention, if he ask or comment again about my so-called lackness and so-called disability, I will let him know that marriage is not about making children with low quality with high quantity, but it is more than that. I want to let him know that strangers is unwelcome into my life, so get out!

Update - (28th Sept 2011,10:27am)
We reconciled, after some thoughts. He was being nice to me before but I ignored him. He asked me to accompany him but then I replied "Tak perlu ajak saya, pergi ajak kawan celaka abang tu!". He persuaded me but still, i neglected him. Somehow, he was not made an apology to me, neither am I

I don't know what to do. I don't know either if our officemates gossiping about us, but I don't care anymore. I reconciled with my husband because I realized our journey still going on and this is our life (sort of) tribulation. I let out of my anger, yelling and screaming and did no usual housechores. He done all housechores, and I only go out from bedroom only to eat i.e breakfast, lunch. He did bought me some my favourite cake and pastries but I didn't touched them. All the food went rotten in the dustbin. He also did the laundry, as I made an excuse I have no clothes to put on when he asked me to accompany him to open house.

But my intention to 'sembur' that friend still not vanish. Nantilah, jaga kau nanti!

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Seeing the ustaz, or so-called

Sept 22, 2011

I lost the car key today before went back from work. I called my husband and asked him to send me the extra key. My husband, i saw, was putting grumpy face with the incident. Then, i rushed back to home, only to know that my husband arranged an appointment with the ustaz.My husband told me he wanted to asked about my neck lump, I didn't took my bath, and straightly we went to his friend's house. The friend that i don't like. It's not that I always being prejudice but he is not friendly toward me. I was told that the ustaz is his relative.

We arrived at the ustaz house and my husband tell the ustaz about my neck lump. The ustaz advised me to do some things and he says nothing about paranormal things or anything but only because of my eating habit. He advised me to ask my family if i have any food allergic. Ok. I thought it will be a short meeting, but it's not ended there.

My husband eventually voice out our 'problem', that we are trying to conceive, in front of his friend! I feel humiliated,because it was done in front of his friend, our officemate. It's not that i don't want people to know our efforts but i feel more comfortable if the process is done with someone I trust and comfortable with, not with someone I don't like.
What I felt at that time was...only a dark empty transparent hole blanketed me. When the ustaz asked me everything i just nodded, staring on the floor, looking at the face of ustaz,searching for the sincerity in everyone's face in the house and i felt so empty..I felt like i have nothing. The ustaz made for us some water and he said there is nothing wrong about us, it just the rezeki is not yet for us..I just feel so down when the ustaz also told to my husband that it is not my fault if i'm not pregnant yet..Why the blame for everything bad should be on woman? Moreover, the ustaz was like snobby on his
ability, tell us stories about couples seeing him and asked for his help and they have 3,4 children now. The ustaz sugar-coating his ability by saying "tapi, itu semua Qada' dan Qadar'..If that so, the ustaz should not boast his doa ability or whatever water given by him to the couples like us. Qada' dan Qadar kan..

At the time the ustaz gave his consultation, the friend had to answer the call. He went outside and didn't know the detailsof the consultation. After he came back, the consultation is over. He immediately asked the ustaz like this, "Jadi ustaz, mereka ni ada apa-apa masalah tak?"

The ustaz said "No". I just thought the friend is so damn fucking "busybody" yet I still kept silent. If we have problem,so you are the first person to know about them and will tell everybody in our office?
In the car headed to our home, he kept telling the stories about his family members and his friend about getting pregnant after some years of marriage. Huh!

I believe if we see a treatment or do a treatment, we accompanied by our husband, or mummy, or our nearest family, or someone we comfortable with. My husband instead, accused me after it was over, assumed me that i will 'fire my bomb' for not discuss this thing with me first. Ironically, I just kept silent and said 'I don't know, I feel nothing anymore..'

I'm shivering, It's not I don't like seeking treatment, it just i'm not ready because my husband not telling me or discuss with me..let alone with someone I don't like. I want to be a mum, i longing for a baby, but i want them because i want them, not because of other people.

{wiping tears}

Monday, 26 September 2011

After raya, not yet pregnant.

19th Sept 2011

My health condition
I was referred to the Orthopedic and surgery specialist at government hospital. Numbness and blankness filled me. I don't know how to express my feelings; am I nervous? Am I excited? am I exuberant? or am I scared? I don't know, but my mom kept calling me and expressing her worriness about my neck lump that I mentioned before. She afraid if it might be cancer or the sub-cancer. She told me about the visit of my father's cousins in Raya recently, and they also facing the same way.Apparently it is undangerous, or their doctors told them so.

I went to the hospital, and waiting for my turn. The room full with octogenarians and thats why my turn reached at 11.45am  although I waited since 9am, since the old citizens are given priority to see the doctors. Eventually i met the doctor, and he did asked me several questions, same questions as previous doctors. Except he instructed me to open my mouth and lift my tongue, so he found the real cause of the lump. He found that my gland is also having the lump.

Apparently it is not cancer or something that my mom thinked about. It just my salivary gland and my weak immunisation. Talk about immunisation, some doctors I met before also talked about the same thing, I am weak compared to my husband, and that explains why I was given extra medication although we went to see the same doctor with the same disease. The specialist decided that my condition is not suit with his specialization and referred me to another specialist which is
ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) Specialist. My appointment will be tomorrow. I hope I can get rid of this lump, it makes my face look funny and I feel downgraded with that lump, except I am grateful I am not lying down on bed.

About TTC
The result from HPT = Not Pregnant. I know I'll not pregnant in this nearest months. However,we are so naughty and babydancing on the way to our hometowns in hotel room..{shy}.Back to our small crib when the Raya holiday is over, I thinkedI felt the cramp. I thought it was the implantation cramp, but second thought, it might be ovulation cramp. The cramp was hovered about 3 days, and I was stupid we didn't making love at those days. I bought a HPT before we catch movies on the weekend. I did the test and waited. Before the movie was begun, the test showed the result and brought me the agony. The agony rose when I just realized my husband bought "The Smurfs" movie when it begun, with the heroin (Grace Wilson - character in the movie) is pregnant her first child with her husband. What the...I watched the movie with no interest except seeing the belly of Grace Wilson and her maternity blouse.

How about Raya?
Raya been so calming because no one in my family members asking about the pregnancy, and that's what i love about my family in law. They asking me about my carrer and my Master thesis.How thoughtful! The only thing i despise in this Raya is, I went to the relative house and ate about 2 and a half bowl of laksa. One of the relative who was not interested to entertain us suddenly asking me about pregnancy ("Mengandung ke?") and put her hand on my belly.I just said in smile "Tak". I loathe her and I told my mom about that. My mom telling me this, "macam mana dia tak ingat kau mengandung, kau makan banyak.Kan perempuan bunting selera makannya bertambah". How stupid I am,only know satisfying my big appetite while if i want to eat laksa, i can found it ubiquotously.

I went to my friend's wedding, and my other friends who coincidentally also in the ceremony were not asking but complimented me how i can stay slim. But, before I want to go back and greeted the bride's mother, her father asking me if I pregnant. Of course I said "Tak". He correcting me "Bukan tak ada, belum rezeki".. Ok uncle, if you know so much about rezki, don't ever ask me again about my inside in my stomach. Care for your own daughter lah!

I think if I still not getting pregnant next year, I want to travel to oversea in Raya..How pathethic!

20 September 2011

Today I see the ENT specialist, or knowns as Otorinolaringologi (Ear, Nose and Throat). The doctor confirmed that my lump is caused by salivary gland, either my saliva is abundant or the gland is blocked. She also checked my nose and the result my nose is in pink. I asked if it is cancer but she against the idea because the my lump is extremely soft while the cancer have hard lump. I went to pathology department for blood test and waited for one and half hour to get the result.

After that, I straighly went to x-Ray department to get my appointment to do the CT Scan. It will be on early November.The doctor said, the operation will be performed based on CT Scan. I asked the possibility of operation, given with my case, and the doctor told me there is big possibilty that I will have to undergo operation to avoid increment of the lump and to cut the blocking gland.
I am sorry this blog is somewhat dull, because I am dull and the story here is dull. I am not eloquent with story-telling.

9th Raya and being childfree.

I changed again the blog theme. I love to play around with the blog theme and blogspot has offered quite a variety of beautiful template...