Wednesday, 24 August 2011

No babymaking on Raya

A period is just the beginning of a lifelong sentence.  ~Cathy Crimmins

I don't think I will get pregnant in these two or three months. My cycle for this month is the shortest I ever experienced. So, i lost my count on when will be my ovulation period. If I count based on average (11th until 16th), it will fall on Raya week. It is impossible for babymaking while we are spending most of our time on the wheel, as our Raya holiday is so short and our hometowns take hours in journey. Plus, we are travelling a lot to attend our friends' wedding. Guess what will be the bomb question to us..? Hahha.. And not to mention we have to catch up our flight to go back to our small crib..Pheewww!!

But it's ok, I'll hoping no more after this. Will TTC back on Oct I think. I want to reduce my weight like Kak Irtiyah and boost my appearance, confidence level and my image, putting more make up, consume more supplements, more frequent visit to facial and salon and spa, to live life, to the fullest.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011


You've gotta have hope.  Without hope life is meaningless.  Without hope life is meaning less and less.  ~Author Unknown

I was so shocked this morning because the Aunt Flow is coming. The spotting came over 3 days ago but I didn't thought it would be so soon. Today is 17 Aug, while my regular period is always on 21st every month. My husband texting me asking if we can repeat our 'project' but sadly I had to tell him that the project is over.

My mum called this afternoon telling me the story about the birth from my childhood friends at my hometown. Their mother kept asking my mum when will my turn, as their daughter/son were got married months later than mine. . This made me more dissapointed and frustrated.

I tell my husband about the call from my mum, and we both were sinked and drowned in our own miserable and deep thought of infertility that chain us until today. We both believed that our parents are more 'suffering' in this waiting game compared to us. Waiting in limbo.


As usual, I like to surf at my favourite website Pinterest to drool at the baby photoshoot pictures. I stumbled upon with this twin. 

I copy the caption of the picture directly from the page:
"Brought me to tears.....This picture is from an article called "The Rescuing Hug". The article details the first week of life of a set of twins. Each were in their respective incubators and one was not expected to live. A hospital nurse fought against the hospital rules and placed the babies in one incubator. When they were placed together, the healthier of the two threw an arm over her sister in an endearing embrace. The smaller baby's heart stabilized and temperature rose to normal. "

We always live in trepidation.

Sasha Bashir is announcing her pregnancy

The miserable have no other medicine. But only hope.
~William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure


I love Sasha Bashir. She is in her own class in the industry. Her passion for dancing is unquestionable and undeniable.She is beautiful internally and externally yet very humble.

I just knew ths news from her blog. She is in 2nd trimester, to be exact 5-months pregnancy.

Looking back at her wedding date, she got married on Oct 18, 2009. And  I got married on Dec 2009. We got married in the same quarter of the year end..Congratulations to you Sasha..

I still waiting my turn..

Oh Allah!

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Jangan berputus asa dengan rahmat Allah

Tadi husband buka Astro Ramadhan dan rancangan dari Studio 1 bersama Yasin menjengah perhatian. For me, karya-karya Yasin is comparable with M. Nasir. He is a great composer with his own identity. The combination of the lyrics and Middle East melody sounds great provided his voice is given by Allah to bounce the song perefectly. I am so mesmerized by his performance and do nothing except being a couch potato.

In between of the songs, he quote one of the Quranic verse:
"Jangan berputus asa dengan rahmat Allah. Jika kamu berputus asa dengan rahmat Allah, kamu hilang segala-galanya."

Ia menyedarkan diriku yang lupa, alpa dan putus asa.

Thank you Allah for the small yet infinite reminder.

P/S: Tahniah buat Lady Mira. You deserve that girl.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Reffered. Again.

I went to the govt hospital as reffered by the clinic. I met a doctor, obviously not from Malaysia. He asked me to uncover my hijab to see the lump. He also asked me several questions regarding my neck lump. FYI, i carry this lump for one and half month. He read all my my report from two previous doctor, one from the clinic and one from private hospital. The doctor asked me to do a blood test. He also talking about medical insurance, asked me if i have medical insurance because the CT scan will cost hundreds. I, don't have any.

How much the cost of CT scan actually? It is only below 1k, i think i can afford it. But if it is over than 1k, i think i should buy medical insurance from now. 

The blood test, i believe, normally will be taken only from one arm and once only. But in my case they took two from my two arms, one for the experiment for the doctor trainee and one from the MA. I can't believed it happened, who said needle and human skin is a perfect combo?! Pfft..

I brought the blood test result to the doctor and the doctor said my blood test is normal. He reffered me to the main hospital in my town to see the specialist from Orthopedic and Surgery a month from now. He prescribed me no medication and no MC despite i having a fever and sore throat.

For godsake, it is just a lump. It is impossible they tell me what happened actually..?

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Reffered again

I never thought that my neck lump would be this serious. I thought the doctor just wanna make more money for asking me to do some tests so that they can charged me for being naive.

I went to the clinic this afternoon, and I was so..I don't know what the best word can describe my feeling but it just so many things are beyong expectation happened to me..I was numb and feel no more emotion after i heard the doctor reffered me again. This time she wrote the letter to the government hospital as I am the government servant. The doctor warned me that i will face the long queue and procedure but that's the only option because she didn't want to take risk for government servant like me.. At first she suspected me having thyroid but there is no solid component in my lump. She suspecting that it related with my salivary glands..

I hope it's nothing serious.

Oh Ya Allah, guide my steps, your're the only one can show me the way..- InsyaAllah by Maher Zain 

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Neck lump & Miss Annoying

In the midst of the super busy and the agony of infertile soul, i having this neck lump. It started about a month ago and i just ignored it. I thought it just about the bruise or side effect of trying the new make-up kit and skincare. Plus, one of the 'miss annoying' put her fingers into my compact powder, so jakun of looking at my compact powder. I called her Miss Annoying for being such an annoying lady of asking me about pregnancy, baby bump and what-nots. I thought her dirty finger did made this bacteria infection.

Back to the story, i went to the clinic and the doctor just gave me an antibiotics. I consumed the medicine but to no avail. The lump make my face weird and funny and sometimes scary. The doctor asked me if i have family with cyst. The word cyst made me worry. Then, i went to another clinic and the doctor referred me to the hospital to do the ultrasound.

The radiologist told me the lump consist a lot of water. He cannot trace the real problem of the lump and reffered me back to the previous doctor to do CT scan.


I plan to go to the clinic tomorrow. It is because this morning i and the mentioned above Miss Annoying visiting our colleague who just gave birth 12 days ago. She just came back from the clinic, with her mid-wife. She looked so pale because she have to going through her confinement alone with her husband. No assistance from her mother or mother-in-law. I don't feel annoyed visiting her as she is very decent lady, not snobby about her pregnancy, never asked me why i'm not pregnant, never showed to people that she is very special because she is pregnant, and that's why i don't mind accompany Miss Annoying to go to her house. The first thing Miss Annoying asked about the furniture in her house, and said pity to her because she gave birth thru caesarean. Bodoh betul la dia ni sebab tak pernah fikir perasaan orang.

Miss Annoying kissed the baby and asked me to do the same thing but i refused. And she dumbly said to me we will get pahala kiss the baby because the baby have zero sin. If it is true, I don't want to follow her advice. The Miss Annoying is just getting married and is so confident she will get pregnant after the first time intercourse, but in three months, still no sign. The first menstruation after marriage made her like 'meroyan' but she put the blame on me asking me why i don't want a baby, am i never want a baby, why i never plan about getting baby and suddenly she intend to further study in Master like me. Now, no sign, no intention to register to the postgrad centre or anything related about further study. I think that Miss Annoying get her karma, and i thank to Allah for that. Because currently she feel the same feeling we are facing right now.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

It is beyond our control

When people noticed and said something about my weight gain, I know they not meant well. It's not that i always thinked negative about people but the next question is always tagged along related with pregnancy, which annoyed me. I thought that people will give us the TTCian a tiny room to breath, a little space to live. But, as we know, they will never understand. They keep demanding to us to become like them. It's not that we don't want a child but the rezki is not arrived yet.

Everytime I called my mum, she keep updating me with a lot of pregnancy and status-upgrade news from my friends in my hometown. Some of her friend are making faces heard me being childless while their son/daughter had moved to the next stage.

If we are illiterate, we can learn
If we are stupid, we will study
If we are not pretty, we will beautify our skin and face with the latest technology
If we are poor, we will workd harder to become rich
If we are having any disease, we will try any cure
If we can't get pregnant, it is beyond our control..

Currently I agitating on Raya celebration. Raya celebration means the family will get together and updating each other. And, I don't know how to answer the 'annoying' questions from them, let alone their advice of baby making in the so-called 'pasti-jadi-anak' position. I don't want to hear "Tak ngandung lagi ye? Ada anak best tau!" from my sister/brother in-laws/uncles/aunties/unrelated relatives.. Can I replied "Best? Lecehlah!"?

I don't want to celebrate Raya in that way.


Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my ...