Thursday, 21 July 2011

Liar

I know I am a liar. In all the posts in this my crappy and dull blog, I always tell people that we are in family planning due to my status as a postgraduate student struggling with my thesis. But, Allah,I, my husband, my family and you know that we are not yet bestowed with the greatest miracle. Belum ada rezki.  7 months i'm really in family planning, and this month it is accurately 1 year we trying to get one. Regretful blanketed me. If I knew this making family is so hard and not our forte, I swear to God I will not consume any pills or learn how to plan naturally or studying Permata Yang Hilang on the topic of Menjarakkan Anak.

Yes, I am a liar. I become a liar because I pity to my husband, as people assuming he is not 'good' and 'power' enough to get a child. And I become a liar because I feel so ashamed of being childless. Childless to them is like a disease, a contagious disease where people treat me as an alien, that should be avoided. It hurts when people either from current relationship or at past texting me or my husband asking if we are already become three. It hurts when I bought some clothes for my nieces and nephews but the seller asked me 'untuk anak sendiri bila lagi..?'.. It hurts when they know we are still two they asked how long we have been married..It hurts when people asked me or my husband about my weight gain like I having cancer and at the death's door. I hate when people said 'kesian' to me..I think they are the one who deserved my sympathy because they are struggling with time for themselves and spending time togetther as husband and wife, they are struggling in the morning preparing for baby's food, pumping their milk shamelessly at the office, wake up in the middle of the night, let alone the coming unexpected baby but tell the world they are productive like sex machine! But they keep quiet and withdraw themselves hearing our vacation, our calmful lifestyle and our neverending honeymoon.

I am a liar.

My husband bought me my favourite magazine and together we drooled on some latest trends and fashions. At horoscope column (which I always skipped), my husband put his fingers on a sentence on that page. It is the horoscope for our star. The forecasting of our star (we are in same star) is sound like this:

"Bagi kamu yang sudah berpasangan, kamu dilihat lebih menghargai pasangan masing-masing. Rasa bahagia yang berbunga membuatkan kamu berasa lebih dekat dengan pasangan dan bersyukur dengan kehadirannya. Khabar baik bagi mereka yang sudah pun melayari bahtera rumahtangga, bintang kamu meramalkan kamu bakal memperoleh zuriat tahun ini" (this is the sentence which my husband closed with his fingers)

I was so curious and I opened his fingers. Well, my husband feared that I will expecting a lot from this forecasting although we know it is haram in Islam.

The infertility issue should not be the topic for entertainment. Or am I over react here?
If the forecasting is just for entertainment, I can go berserk.
Because..
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Aunt Flow knocking her door yesterday!

Liar!



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