Thursday, 21 July 2011


I know I am a liar. In all the posts in this my crappy and dull blog, I always tell people that we are in family planning due to my status as a postgraduate student struggling with my thesis. But, Allah,I, my husband, my family and you know that we are not yet bestowed with the greatest miracle. Belum ada rezki.  7 months i'm really in family planning, and this month it is accurately 1 year we trying to get one. Regretful blanketed me. If I knew this making family is so hard and not our forte, I swear to God I will not consume any pills or learn how to plan naturally or studying Permata Yang Hilang on the topic of Menjarakkan Anak.

Yes, I am a liar. I become a liar because I pity to my husband, as people assuming he is not 'good' and 'power' enough to get a child. And I become a liar because I feel so ashamed of being childless. Childless to them is like a disease, a contagious disease where people treat me as an alien, that should be avoided. It hurts when people either from current relationship or at past texting me or my husband asking if we are already become three. It hurts when I bought some clothes for my nieces and nephews but the seller asked me 'untuk anak sendiri bila lagi..?'.. It hurts when they know we are still two they asked how long we have been married..It hurts when people asked me or my husband about my weight gain like I having cancer and at the death's door. I hate when people said 'kesian' to me..I think they are the one who deserved my sympathy because they are struggling with time for themselves and spending time togetther as husband and wife, they are struggling in the morning preparing for baby's food, pumping their milk shamelessly at the office, wake up in the middle of the night, let alone the coming unexpected baby but tell the world they are productive like sex machine! But they keep quiet and withdraw themselves hearing our vacation, our calmful lifestyle and our neverending honeymoon.

I am a liar.

My husband bought me my favourite magazine and together we drooled on some latest trends and fashions. At horoscope column (which I always skipped), my husband put his fingers on a sentence on that page. It is the horoscope for our star. The forecasting of our star (we are in same star) is sound like this:

"Bagi kamu yang sudah berpasangan, kamu dilihat lebih menghargai pasangan masing-masing. Rasa bahagia yang berbunga membuatkan kamu berasa lebih dekat dengan pasangan dan bersyukur dengan kehadirannya. Khabar baik bagi mereka yang sudah pun melayari bahtera rumahtangga, bintang kamu meramalkan kamu bakal memperoleh zuriat tahun ini" (this is the sentence which my husband closed with his fingers)

I was so curious and I opened his fingers. Well, my husband feared that I will expecting a lot from this forecasting although we know it is haram in Islam.

The infertility issue should not be the topic for entertainment. Or am I over react here?
If the forecasting is just for entertainment, I can go berserk.

Aunt Flow knocking her door yesterday!


Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Dealing with moron

I think I should stop chasing and playing around with others' babies. It is because their parents assumed me as 'the unclucky one' and longing desperately for babies up to the point I shamelessly playing with their babies with excitement. Well, who doesn't?

I chatting with one of the unclose colleague of mine. She come from Borneo and I , just want to being nice,  having conversation with her. It became longer and our topic jumped to spice and herbs. I just being nice asking the difference between Borneo confinement with our normal confinement. She deliberately asked me if i'm pregnant but immediately I replied 'No. I just wanna asked about the spice and herbs that can make me less tired. I always tired'. She explained to me that as long as i'm not having birth yet, the spice and herbs like makjun or manjakani should be avoided, otherwise, i will not having any baby. She asked me if i took any herbs and traditional medicines before get married and i said 'Yes'. The thing that left me dissapointed when she said to me 'Patutlah lambat beranak. Tengok akak ni, walaupun dah anak dua tapi perut kempis lagi. Petuanya jangan minum ais.'..I said,'ha'ah, sebab tu la saya lambat beranak'

She asked me another thing, 'do you took any 'pills'? I know what she meant by 'pills'. To push away the grudge I said Yes. She looked numb for a while and I continued, "I need to, sebab belum berani, saya belum habis lagi belajar saya.". The astonished look appear more and asking "Master ke?" I replied "Ha'ah".
And, all the brag stop there. To sugarcoat her stupidity, she said "emmm..benda ni semua kuasa Tuhan.."

The other day, the other colleague who just finished her confinement brought her daughter to the office and I kissed her daughter who have a pipi labuh and teasing with her. Calmly and sarcastically, the mother asked me "awak bila lagi...?"..Without hesitant, i replied, "Saya kena tunggu habis belajar.." Silent...The mother brought her baby to other place. Hm..

Yes, i should stop playing with others' babies. I thought the mother understand people like us well but they don't .

I'm not snobbing around with my education background, but those questions and advice are unwelcome. Actually, instead of saying about my education background as a reason of late pregnancy, i think i want to say to all of them,

"You are stupid moron!"

Same goes to other people who say this to us,

"Suka minum air gas, patutlah tak ngandung-ngandung"
"Makan jeruk? Tak nak anak ke?"
"Asyik berjalan je, macamana nak lekat.."
"Sedekah la sikit gaji tu, mana tahu Tuhan bagi anak lepas ni.."
"Ni asyik jalan ni honeymoon kali ke berapa?Takkan tak ada hasil kot"
"Err..nanti ada berita gembira beritahu ya, announce kat FB" (boleh blah!)

Tell them,
"You are stupid moron!"

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Chicken wings lead to cyst?

Just stumbled upon the Facebook status from my single friend. Is it true? Hm..the wings is the most delicious part of a chicken kan?

Saturday, 9 July 2011

This is so pretty damn cool!

I just found this web where we can pin our interest and see others interest. I found a lot of cute and cool pictures.{drool}. Berangan- i want to do the similar pose for my newborn photoshoot. Credit to the owner of this photo Chris Tee (link to the pinterest of Chris Tee, you also can see his other cute and sweet interest. Ah, I will die for this kind of photoshoot although it will cost arm and leg, come hell or high water i will never give up.

Ohoho bersatulah wahai sperm and ovum so mummy can hug you and kiss you and we will strolling at the lake at our residential area with your tutu skirt or cute mini vest, and not forget your little cute mini shoes. Please.Please. Again please...

To all TTC blogger friends, break a leg! InsyaAllah..

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

It is normal?

In my darkest hours, I cannot foresee, that the time can turn so fast to this degree
-Our Solemn Hour, by WT and Black Symphony

It is normal if the sperm of a husband getting out from our vagina after making love? I have this problem. I asked my husband but he know much less about woman reproduction biology.

After the baby making process, i have to lay down about an hour so that the sperm can stay a little bit longer in my vagina. But it does not stop there, i have to wear pantiliners throughout the day after making love because the remaining sperm will go out until my pantiliners and my panties is wet. Plus, as soon as the penetration is over, the sperm will go out from mine, immediately after my husband took his thing from mine.

I read that the time the wife is having her climax, the vagina and her uterus/(womb? - i'm not sure) will widen more to facilitate the sperm to swim further to conceive. I also read that if the woman tighthen her leg or vagina without her will when making love with her husband, it is possibly because of 'gangguan jin'..

I am ashamed to ask this to the doctor.

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Why, why, why

Have to stand up to be stronger
- Pale, by WT -

I am the person who is difficult to wake up in the morning and to perform my Subuh prayer. I need my hubby to pull me up for the full and clear awake. But, yesterday i woke up in sudden motion, which surprised my husband. Indeed, we actually were very late to go to the office, but the work in the office involve only simple thing. I dreamed of something but i can't remember. I woke up in sudden and I numb for seconds. My husband didn't asked me anything, he knows I can be 'crazy' in the morning with my stupor.

What i'm thinking? I woke up in sudden justbecause i was so shocked with myself. I shocked why my tummy is flat, I surprised why my womb is empty, I wondered why i can't get pregnant, I confused why i am not like other woman? Why, why, why?

Up to this date, i'm not buying a lot of pregnancy sticks and screaming seeing the red things on my panties. No, i'm not that kind of person. I still can be positive. And I redha for what my fate has put up on me.. It just happened on yesterday morning that I can't believe I'm still not pregnant!

I wanted to cry, but my mind fully woke up remind me that i and my husband were late! So the thoughts remained unanswered. I think I am in denial on my luck and my fate, but my sub-concious mind told me that i'm left behind in my own life.

Friday, 1 July 2011

Aunt Flow + Menstruation Pain = How Great!!

Clomid - done
Andriol - done

What else?

The AF did come on time while my colleagues teasing me for being pregnant. I, in fact, believed i'm not pregnant, i know my body, i know my womb is empty. The only thing baffled me was the volume of my period. I have 10 days of menstruation. A big volume, no? But this month, it dried on the 5th day.

I just want to celebrate this coming Eid with joyfulness, and I don't know if I am ready to face the 'bomb' questions from everyone.

9th Raya and being childfree.

I changed again the blog theme. I love to play around with the blog theme and blogspot has offered quite a variety of beautiful template...