Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly as to the mind as to the body
-Joseph Addison-

I just finished my dinner, KFC with Coke, the TTC most food-to-be avoided. I sip the coke hesitantly and ask my husband if it is ok i drink it. My hubby told me it is ok darling, remember Kun Fayakun..? And i throw the empty paper cup to the dustbin. Hm..puas rasanya, sebab sebelum ni pantang makan fast food. But now, i am redha and pasrah for what we going through.

Last weekend, we went to the medical center i mentioned before, for the second stage. I was a bit lazy and hoped that my husband said 'it's ok, tak nak buat pun tak apa'. But my husband insisted to do his part, checking if the infertility comes from his side. We did made love and and it was so hard and sweating to make love with that kind of situation .i.e. put the sperm into container provided by the medical center. No, it was not fun anymore. We were rushing to the medical center, because the doctor asked us to bring the sperm within one hour. We gave the sperm sample to the lab, and the lab worker told us that they have to wait for 2 hours for the sperm to dissolve into liquid.

We went to Starbucks and enjoying our ice blended, the croissant, the apple pie. The medical centre called me and the doctor gave the report. However, my husband didn't satisfied and we heading to the medical centre and consulted with the doctor. The doctor showed us the report. The volume of the sperm is normal, the movement of the sperm is normal and other things (i can't understand) is normal except the population of the sperm in one mililiter. The normal population is about 20millions but the report shows that it about 13million per mililiter. The doctor consulted to husband to quit smoking. He didn't gave me Clomid but prescribed my husband the Andriol (same function as Clomid but for men), to increase the population of the sperm. The doctor calculated my ovulation days and asked us to come again if this cycle we still can't make it.

Being a man, my husband took it unseriously, he told me that his friends making babies although they are heavy smoker. My husband also quite relieved that both of us are not having serious problem, except the fate is not shower the rainbow on us, yet. Oh the cost..almost RM300.

I read one of the famous blogger, who is same age with me, avoid pregnancy due to her study commitment, but she announce that she is pregnant with week 7.

And now, am i being left alone..?

B & C

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Forgiveness is not for sale nor it's the will to forget
- Cry For The Moon from Epica-

I had mentioned before that i surrounded by preggers, be it the second child or the newly-married bride with bunting pelamin. One of them is sit next to me in the office. It all begin when i started my new job there few months ago. On March, she got married, without telling officially the boss and the colleagues. Only the closest knew the so-called 'hot news', provided that she (i assumed) considered herself a 'hot babe' with so-called 'low profile'. It was because she want to prolonged her l week leave to 2 weeks leave. She neither invited me nor telling me nor sending card. I don't mind as I'm still new there. I found out that her closest friend were so astonished and kinda withdrawing when people knew she got married. I also found that that they treated me like i know nothing about the so-called hot news. I as usual mind my own business.

The weeks later after she got back from her hometown, things were in normal, except i saw she looked forlorn for missing her husband with long-distance relationship. People still talking and asking but what she doesn't noticed that our office flyers in one of the programme already put her name with title Mdm. Means, people already knew it and took it as normal as other marriage,except people didn't congratulated her or gave wedding gift, after all, she want it to be secret.Tak mahu kecoh-kecoh.

One day, she and her friend drool over her wedding pictures. I teased her friends "Ingat awak yang kahwin..". He friend replied "Bukan saya..Ha..Jangan terkejut tengok gambar ni.." I confused "Kenapa nak terkejut..kan kahwin perkara baik.." sambil tengok gambar-gambar itu but her friend shut down the pictures thing when realized i'm not shocked even a bit. Why should I..

Few weeks later, I was bombarded with one event which the other colleagues summoned me, i went to the mentioned place and there i was with another friend. She also being summoned as she was in-charge at that week. We need to do something that required our energy and she refused to do anything as she declared to us she was pregnant. I'm not astonished as i already knew that before when i overheard her conversation with her friend. The conversation was talking about how do people can knew she was pregnant and accused their other friend as mulut tempayan. So that's how i knew it. However, friend of mine who with me that day was shocked. So it confirms my assumption.

At first, i'm quite jealous but it's not up to the point i withdraw myself from her or not talking with her. Although she is younger than me, she want me to begin the conversation first. If not, the whole day we are like strangers. I don't mind as i never thinking of her as part of my thoughts.

However, lately i noticed something unpleasant. She change her friend's circle i.e she only sat with preggy friend, only talk about baby things like makanan, mengidam, klinik kesihatan,etc etc etc. But still i don't mind. Things worse when i just realized that everytime when she talking about her belly and showed it to her preggy friends she looked at me, everytime she talked about pregnancy things she looked at my face, evertime she put her hand on her belly she looked at me, like she want to see my face expression. Like she want to see if i sad or i jealous looking those things. I, somewhat rebelling never asked her about her pregnancy but instead i asked her preggy circle friends about theirs,even in her presence, as they are quite simple and plain about their pregnancy.

For me, it is so disgusting. It is because she get pregnant first she think i'm the unlucky one?  It is because she easy to pregnant she think that i'm in depression for not being lucky as her? It is because she is pregnant she thinks she is so fertile and i'm not? Does she thinks that she is super hot like celebrity by being secretive about marriage but explode the popularity with pregnancy news? Or, am i the one who over-react right now?Sometimes i wish i got pregnant with twins!! Oh Allah please grant me your miracle.

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Pregnancy after solemnization = manhood?

More people become educated, more people were sent overseas by scholarship, more people become mature, more people get access to enormous and loads of information, but still they are some people who are said above still have narrow minded.

I know it is very late to give my opinion, but the above excerpt is just an example taken from popular entertainment website. It is common knowledge that the blog owner is graduated from foreign institution, which i believe is more open minded. I read several announcement of celebrities get pregnant after the solemnization which always come along with the phrase of 'power, manhood, tembak tepat' and the other similar phrases.All the phrases are giving the message that  'pregnancy right after solemnization is the proof that the husband is man enough. And it make me loathe those are thinking in that way, not to mention they are so heartless.

So we are not pregnant yet, are husband not having his manhood? Tak power? Tembak tak tepat? They write all those things which most of them are not married yet and they are like so damn fu*king sure that they / their future wife will get pregnant after they 'tembak tepat' because they are 'man enough' and 'power'.

Don't they know that anak is a rezki from Allah..? It is the way you educate and lead your children and family define your manhood, not the quantity of your children or how cute your children are. Mereka tidak pandai menjaga hati dan perasaan manusia kah? It is okay if sometimes i have a guts to pray to Allah that they will face what we are facing right now? No, Allah do not answer that kind of prayer.

I just voice out my opinion and i do not welcome any argument

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

All human beings are also dream beings. Dreaming ties all mankind together.
Jack Kerouac

Kan bagus if i conceived last month. Sebabnya if i conceived last month, the EDD will be in the same month as our birthday month. We dreamed of having a birthday celebration combining our birthday together. Kan bagus if i conceived last month, so in Hari Raya when we supposed to celebrate it at my family-in-law home and their kampung, so i can sheepishly whispering to them i'm pregnant when relatives asked if i have any . Tak sanggup rasanya nak mendengar orang sibuk-sibuk nak tahu what position we did when making babies but produce no yield. Tak sanggup nak menahan blushing pipi when i saw their smirk like expressing "this lady is infertile.."..{sigh}.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Dreams are necessary to life.
-Anais Nin-

It has been ages i abandon this blog. Lame excuse, i am busy. My cycle become longer. It started on February (/January?) when it delayed for 3 days, then on April it delayed more than 3 days, and now in May it delayed another 3 days more..I started taking Clomid although it tasted deadly terrible. Today is the third day and I have 2 more days.

One of my officemate who sat in front of me just got back from her confinement, and everybody congratulate her for the newborn and not least her glowing skin. So far she never asked me the 'bomb' question, and i happily asked her the labour room experience. She delivered her daughter by the least medical intervention despite gave birth of a quite big baby.

Another officemate who is pregnant for 3 months madly selling romper and baby clothes. And I, I bought two pieces, with the reason i wanna give it to my nephew and nieces, one of them is not born yet but my sister-in-law is pregnant for 2nd child.

Actually, i feel like wanna give up hoping a child. I'm thinking of childless life. I have an aunt who become a second wife but miscarriage once. And now she is a pensioner who always come to my parent's house as she is childless. She is super senior in hotel industry so she don't bother to put an effort to get pregnant. After she is not working anymore, she always expressing her regrets for not putting even an effort trying to conceive. Plus, she thoughts that she is old woman who is not fertile anymore. It is true that she got married a little bit late but it only 30 something. I know two persons in my life who get married on 30 something even near 40s who are married lebih kurang sama bulan dan tahun dengan saya, and they are making bouncing and cherubic babies.  After knowing the feeling of TTC, i become more sensitive with my aunt as she is the one who is a generous lady to her nieces and nephews. And my mum always told me to treat her as my 'the other mother'. When i bought some souveneirs, i bought for her too.

In despair, i do not have any 'pantang' anymore. My husband told me that it is "Kun Fayakun'..I ignore any fast food, but my husband show to me that people who came to McD or KFC or Pizza Hut are mostly a family with small childrens. Are they having children with fertility treatment? I don't think so, if they got the fertility treatment, they will not eating McD because McD is cheap but the fertility treatment is expensive.. So the fast food only the contributing factors but not the main reason of cannot-conceive-thing.. Ah, this is only my opinion..

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

There are few nudities so objectionable as the naked truth.

Agnes Repplier (1855 - 1950)

Yesterday, one of my student called me,
Student: Teacher..
Me: Hmm..(about to ignore her)
Student: Happy...err..(she looked at her friend sat next to her and said : Erm..Is our teacher is a mother? Her friend whispered: Not yet.Not yet)
Me: What..?
Student: Sorry Mdm..We wished Happy Mothers Day to all our teachers but i forget that you aren't
Me: Hm..


Monday, 9 May 2011

You should pray for a sound mind in a sound body

-Juvenal ((55AD - 127 AD), Satires-

Actually at the end of last year, i went to one of the bomoh/ people called him 'orang yang pandai' in invisible things i.e. mystic because i had experiencing in hard pain of menstruation thrice a year. It was very very extreme pain or i can call it agony to extent i can't walk, i can't eat, i can't stand up, just rolling up in beds until i sleep in tiredness. I tried all the pills, panadol soluble, iron, but to no avail. People call him Haji N and I went to his house with my husband. I told him my problem and he asked us to buy 7 types of different flowers with different colours, and many more. He bathed me with those flowers on Friday night in Maghrib. He said the evil things will came out naturally and gave some pantang larang in about a week until a month. After that i never experiencing the agony of menstruation. I did feel pain but i still can go to work.

I thought I'm clean.. Until i read the entry from this blog "Nak pregnant". Thanks also to this blog of "Bila Hati Berkata-kata" i found a link to Darul Ruqyah and the first link I saw is "Tanda-tanda gangguan". I found
that the 'gangguan' are somewhat i'm facing right now.. Am I can't get pregnant because of something evil inside my body? Let me copy and paste the link from the Darul Ruqyah.

 Ketika Tidur
  • Susah tidur (nope. I'm very very easy in sleeping department, I'm a sleeping beauty and sleeping champion)
  • Mudah terjaga malam (nope. I tidur mati unless i dream falling from tall building)
  • Mimpi binatang berbisa seperti ular, singa, unta dll (seldomly)
  • Ketawa, menangis, menjerit, bunyi gigi berlaga ketika tidur (Yes, but not every night. I read some articles in health magazine that the 'bunyi gigi berlaga' is called bruxism. I thought it is normal)
  • Mimpi jatuh tempat tinggi (Repetitively. I always dream falling from very tall building, like commiting suicide without i know the reason behind it. I will shock and awake from my sleeping. I also always dream that i falling from the big bridge into the big sea. Sometimes i dream about falling from the tall ladder or tall stairs)
  • Melihat benda tajam (seldomly)
  • Mimpi melihat budak kecil (bayi). (Repetitively. It happened in my engagement period and continuing until today. I always told my husband about it and we are so 'perasan' that the bouncing and cherubic babies in my dreams are our future babies,since i saw they resembling my husband's face and my skin. They are twins, one girl and one boy, one is active and one is quite pessimist. We even put the name to them and every time I dream about them i'm in euphoria expecting that i will pregnant. However here am i, writing in this blog waiting the dreams come true.)
  • Mimpi salib atau paderi (seldomly)
Ketika Jaga
  • Lesu, malas, hilang semangat (They are my middle name)
  • Sesak nafas, gila (never)
  • Lenguh sendi-sendi utama (never)
  • Ketumbuhan (cancer) (never)
  • Selalu mengantuk (Also my middle name. All my friends laughing me for this thing)
  • Mudah marah, hilang darah (I didn't think so, but my students telling me otherwise)
  • Agresif dan bertindak liar (nope)
DR : Sekiranya terdapat tanda-tanda berikut, segeralah ke Pusat Rawatan untuk pemeriksaan selanjutnya

Knowing this made me even dissapointed. In my residential town, it is so hard to find any pious or religious people who are aficionado in this area. It is so hard for me to book flight ticket to find Darul Syifa' or any other Islamic treatment. I'll never give up. I will do everything.From now.

My mum always telling me analogically that something evil reside in my body. She, like my grandma is quite superstitious but she still can accept the secientific explanation. She told me that something evil inside my aunty's body and her cousin made them very hard in their way to earn more rezki. Both of them are very skillful person and not arrogant, but still,whatever they are doing, tehy will facing big hurdles and tribulations.They admit they facing the above signs and now they are so malas to entertain the gangguan anymore.

Same goes to me, in fact I am a very good student academically and fast learner. I got many awards due to my achievement in academic, thanks to Allah for giving me a good brain. However, what people don't know that i always lose my big opportunities although Allah widen the way. Mum told me that the people with evil inside their body is slightly difficult to achieve success and calmness in their life, plus they will facing the big big hindrance through their way. It is true? With this situation, i am somewhat believe my mum. I will go back to my hometown for another study things and can talk with my mum only from 12.30 midnight till 6.00am..{sigh}. I want to wish to her Happy Mothers Day and ask her pray to me so i receieved the same wish from my children too..dengan lukisan orang lidi..Total bliss. {Dreaming} 

Sunday, 8 May 2011

What makes the engine go? Desire, desire, desire.
-Stanley Kunitz, O Magazine, September 2003-
  • I feel (or felt?) offended today. A person who barely know me and husband telling her easy journey to a motherhood by asking me this question as an introduction. And I, hiding behind the curtain of my study busy-ness saying i'm busy and will think about a baby later. I become a liar today to overcome the shame of this (hopefully not)-perennial issue. Let called her Mdm Annoying.
Mdm Annoying: Do you take any medicine?
Me : (I am deadly serious bewildered with this question.I never expecting this kind of question from people that i barely talk). What medicine?
Mdm Annoying: Err..medicine for pregnancy. I did took folic acid after my first miscarriage to strengthen my womb, maybe my womb was weak so i took folic acid and now i got  my daughter..
Me : Ooh..that kind of medicine..Not yet, i have to wait until i finish my thesis.
Mdm Annoying: Ooh..you wish for childless until you finish your study.. Pity your husband, he looked
like he want one!
Me : Oh no, actually he the one suggested this to me.
Mdm Annoying: Oooh.. (i can see her face kinda tad embarassed for slipping out her tongue about her secret on difficulties toward pregnancy).. (silent for a while) If you wish to get pregnant after you finish your study, you better  take folic acid. I don't know i got pregnant for the first time so i didn't take any precautious step. I was so stress with my work and wish for a baby. Until the seniors advised to us to relax and enjoy and do not think about hoping for baby. At the end of the year, we traveled and had vacations and it happens.
Me : Ooh..(nodded)so, how long you wait for the next?
Mdm Annoying: About 7 month.
Me : Oh, it's not that long..(she seems disagree with my reply. I know 7 months is long i but intentionally said it)The stillbirth baby, is it still small?
Mdm Annoying: Yup, just a month.
Me: Ooh..
  • The conversation is longer but i happily (in evil) that i controlled the conversation about her miscarriage although she kept talking about her easy pregnancy with beautiful daughter. I know i'm a liar and evil for asking and talking about something she doesn't like but her advice was  unwelcomed.Kibitz. Plus, she gave me the wrong info about the function of folic acid. I don't like and hate this conversation as it (sound) like implied me being a stupid naive barren sinful wife. It just because i don't know her deeply. Yes, we did cherished her little baby, of course we did happy for our friends little miracle, but asking that kind of question hurt me. This time i resent it by being a liar and encounter them in evil domination of conversation when i can see her discomfort face when i diverted the centre of the whole talking. {evil smirk}. I was so dissapointed and didn't finished my lunch. {sigh}

  • I have a grandma who still believe in some supertition. I called her after the Zuhur and secretly i weeped. She took care and looked after me when i was little, and i am now super busy to spend time to call her. Today she give me one of the petua to get pregnant. If you find you are hard to get pregnant, have intention (or nazar) that you will give your baby to some (2,3,4) of your closest friends/sisters as an adopted child (anak angkat). When the baby is delivered, bring your little one to the intended closest friends/sisters (seperti yang dinazarkan), do something; like your friend give her thumb to baby to suck, or kiss him/her, or just rub his/her head and tell you (the mother) and they will tell you " i will give him/her to you back". And they or you can cook some porridge be it white/red porridge to seal the 'deal'. It's not real adoption. I just don't know if you need to tell the friends/sisters about your intention about 'adopting' or just keep quiet about it before you want to get pregnant. My grandma told me she wished for a son and did it for my uncle and she said it is common knowledge and tradition for people in previous era in treating 'disintegrated eggs'.

B & C

Friday, 6 May 2011

First consultation with the specialist

In this matters, the only certainty is that nothing is certain
Pliny the Elder

Last week, i searching online the fertility or women specialist in my residential area. This town is not like KL where you can choose the expensive or the inexpensive one, i mean private hospital or general hospital. No LPPKN in this town. There are only 2 private hospital and 1 specialist clinic, but i decided to go to the one of the private hospital. I was accompanied by my husband. I was never thought that i will have to go through this thing i.e. fertility treatment. I chose this hopsital because it was operating in the public holiday so i can arranged my appointment

I was a bit nervous but a bit relieved that at last i know if something go wrong with my reproduction system. The doctor was so cool and i did scan things to see through my womb. He asked me if we did babydancing last night and i said yes. The doctor replied "good, good".(I thought my ovulation day is a tad earlier). However the doctor gave my ovulation days where we should do our babymaking. I was wrong in my calculation because i relied on the ovulation calendar in the internet while i don't know my luteal phase. The doctor suggested to us to do our 'project' that night and the other night.

Doctor gave me Chlomid, the fertility medicine for me to consume on the 2nd until 5th days of my coming period (if the babymaking is not successful). The doctor also asked my husband to give his sperm sample later. I asked the doctor if anything wrong with my reproduction system like cyst or fibroid but gladly to hear that my reproduction system is okay. If babymaking is not success this cycle, the doctor recommended to us to go to the next stage which he want to scan for my tiub fallopio jika ada saluran yang tersumbat and jika perlu ada minor operation untuk memotong saluran tersumbat.

I asked the doctor if i can consume folic acid. He explained to me that folic acid prevent birth defects but have little contribution on the prevention. But, he asked me to consume 1 unit per day, instead of the pharmacist told me 3 unit per day whic lead to my unexpected weight gain (but it depend on the quantity, i read it should be 5mg per day and increased the quantity after confirmation of the pregnancy).

All of the blink-of-an-eye consultation cost us RM 198.


B & C

Monday, 2 May 2011

Oh husband, I'm sorry

As usual I came back from work, i kissed and hugged my husband. I told him " I miss you..". He replied "I miss you too..". We laughed and joked coyly and hugged again.In his arms, he asked me softly, "I want children.When will we have a baby..?". I'm not astonished by his temerity, but instead i answered "I don't know..I'm sorry.."

Me: Abang why you suddenly want children?
Him: I don't know, i just want a baby.
Me: Do you want to prove your manhood?
Him: Sort of
Me: If i'm barren, will you be married another one?
Him: If the situation force me to do so, i will
Me: Hm..of course la..man will ashamed of childless
Him: Yepp..
Me: I don't mind.I give my consent.
Him: Don't think a lot about it, we can still try. It actually the last choice.

Me: I pity you
Him: Why?
Me: You pay a lot for my dowry yet I give you nothing
Him: (silent)
Me: You chased me for several freaking years, do everything for me but..
Him: Be patience


Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my ...