Saturday, 31 December 2011

Giveaway for TTC friends

Selamat tinggal 2011 dan selamat datang 2012.
Moga-moga tahun baru ini akan membawa lebih keceriaan, kebahagiaan, rezeki dan keajaiban untuk kita semua. Rezeki dan keajaiban datang dalam berbagai-bagai cara. InsyaAllah sama-samalah kita berdoa untuk mendapat keredhaanNya, kerana dengan redhaNya lah kita dapat hidup di samping suami kita yang kita cinta.

Mohon maaf juga andai ada terkasar bahasa dan tersilap bicara sepanjang penulisan saya di blog ini. Saya bukanlah TTC yang rajin menjalani rawatan maka saya tidak layak pun membuka blog ini. Blog ini ditulis sebagai tempat meluahkan perasaan yang kebanyakkannya marah, geram, sedih, menyampah. Saya ini baru 2 tahun berkahwin, maka masih lagi belum matang menempuhi cabaran hidup, maka masih lagi sensitif waima dengan pertanyaan simple 'Tak mengandung lagi?'. Memang simple tapi saya yang belum matang ini masih dipenuhi sifat mazmumah lantaran melalui penulisanlah dapat saya memuntahkan lava gunung berapi. Saya tidak berharap penulisan dalam blog ini menjadi rujukan, dan tidak juga berharap dibaca dek kerana ketidakmatangan saya.


Namun saya sangat-sangat berterima kasih kepada pengunjung blog ini yang rata-ratanya terdiri senasib dengan saya. Tatkala kamu semua meninggalkan komen dan ulasan, saya sangat suka dan gembira sebenarnya, tidak kisahlah jika ada juga yang menegur. saya masih gembira. sekurang-kurangnya membangunkan diri saya yang terleka dibuai kebencian terhadap soalan seringkas 'Tak mengandung lagi?' apatah lagi soalan yang tidak ringkas.


Untuk berterima kasih, saya ada hadiah simple untuk kamu. Saya teringat kamu di kala cuti saya. Tapi saya mampu beli tiga pasang sahaja. Kos penghantaran akan ditanggung oleh saya. Untuk yang layak mendapatkan hadiah simple ini, kamu jadilah pemberi komentar pertama di post ini. Yang tiga terawal adalah yang layak. Tak perlu follow blog, tak perlu buat entry atau berlink-link, hanya bagi komentar. Komentar simple seperti :-), hehe, atau 'bila nak mengandung?' tak akan dikira. Haipp! nanti saya babab kamu!! :-) :-) :-)


Kemudian, kamu hantar email ke bouncingandcherubic@gmail.com begini:

Subject: Giveaway
Name: (nama samaran pun tak mengapa, sebab ramai yang suka remain anonymous)
Adress: (yang ni betul2, kalau alamat samaran memang tak sampai la)
No phone: (semua ni untuk saya isi dalam butir-butir di sampul pos ekspress)

Sebagai permulaan, ini sahaja yang yang saya mampu beri. 3 set sahaja.Jika ada rezeki lebih, mungkin lebih la saya dapat beri untuk mengeratkan persahabatan kita.

Inilah hadiah yang simple itu..
Pandangan hadapan

Pandangan belakang

Ok cepat-cepat jangan ketinggalan.

Monday, 5 December 2011

Discussion: What you did to distract yourself from infertility issue?

Before I'm going for holiday and the blog will be full of (infertile) dust, I want to open the discussion among TTCians:

What you did to distract yourself from infertility issue?
What you do to divert your focus of having a child?

E.g.
I will shop till I drop the fabulous designer's dress, and wear it in kenduri to make people impress with couple like us i.e. we have a lot of money and our money not for spending on pampers or expensive formula milk or baby sitter.
I write a lot, to become a famous novelist
I wear red hot funky lipsticks, to express my confidence level
I travel a lot with my husband and we did try bungee jumping..orang beranak pinak tu penah ke try? Hahaha
I convert my obsession to child to the obsession of craft and art





Thanks..
I love you all..

Thursday, 1 December 2011

National Infertility Survival Day : When?

Hey, maybe we are not meant to celebrate Mother's Day, yet. But he have our own day. National Infertility Survival Day. It may taunt us by celebrating this day because people said we have nothing to celebrate on. But I beg to differ. We have something to celebrate, we SURVIVED.

When?

Actually i did not well-research about this but here is my findings:

In UK - June 10 (source: here)

In US - first Sunday on the month of May (source: here, here, here )

Some said it is Sunday before the Mothers' Day.

Let me know if you have the exact date..

And let me know what you plan to do (with your husband) on this day.

Thanks.

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

TTC kena ada pulau sendiri ke?

I'm not an avid writer or reader about TTC things. Undeniably, I open this blog because I want to burst out semua luahan hati tak kisahlah marah ke, kecewa ke, geram ke, menyampah ke, meluat ke, sakit hati ke...Blog ini juga tak banyak menceritakan usaha saya untuk mendapat anak sebab saya rasa blog ini lebih kepada luahan hati, which means not the best place for reference to TTCians. Sebab saya admit saya memang tak berusaha sangat seperti orang lain. Sebab kalau kita bercerita pada orang lain, tak akan ada orang lain yang faham. Balik-balik kita akan dicomparekan dengan si pengantin bunting pelamin yang jantan dan subur tu! Bukan lah riak atau takbur tak nak berusaha, tapi saya masih belum yakin dengan diri saya sendiri. Betulkah saya ini benar-benar mahukan anak? Betulkah saya sudah bersedia? Bolehkah saya menghabiskan pelajaran saya tika sibuk dengan anak dan kerjaya?

Saya ini tidur awal tapi bangun lewat. Kalau letih sebab tolong orang kenduri memang lepas tu akan demam. Saya ini masih belajar lagi. Oh lagi satu karier saya masih belum stabil berbanding husband. Saya ni masih nak berjalan-jalan berhoneymoon lagi. Dan lagi pula, saya ni masih belum ada duit simpanan yang banyak seperti kamu. Emm..rasa-rasa macam nak sambung PhD .Ha..lagipun saya ni kan masih dalam rawatan doktor..

Saya tak mahu compare diri saya dengan kawan-kawan yang sepengajian dengan saya yang beranak pinak. Mereka yang sebaya saya, yang sama-sama buat sarjana dengan saya semuanya dah berkahwin dan mempunyai anak. Bila pregnant, masing-masing wah tanya saya "Eh, bila kau nak pregnant, aku yang junior dari kau pun dah ada hasil.." Kalau dengar berdesing telinga, tapi dah namanya kawan seperjuangan, terpaksalah menjawab dengan berhemah sedikit "Kau pengantin junior yang galak, aku pemalu.."..Merah padam la si muka penanya tadi..

Status facebook dan blog (yang semuanya kita benci nak baca tu) memang bertindan-tindan..Wah seronok agaknya..Bila dah lahir, siap mesej saya walaupun masing-masing dah update di Facebook dengan gambar anak tidur di tilam bersarungkan cadar buruk (maaflah ya, saya tak lalu nak tengok gambar kanak-kanak atau baby yang berlatar belakangkan bilik mandi yang kotor atau reban ayam kotor atau background kusyen tak bersarung yang dah pecah-pecah, atau yang seumpamanya).Untuk tiga bulan pertama memang lah indah menatap wajah baby, sebab masih boleh menulis dan membuat research, woha masa tu semuanya indah-indah belaka siap cakap "Kenapa kau tak nak beranak, aku pun sambung belajar, boleh je beranak.."
Tak apa, tunggu bila budak tu dah 6 bulan atau 8 bulan..Baby memanglah asyik tidur je, paling-paling pun menangis nak menyusu.

Bila dan besar sikit, ibu baru akan mula merungut sebab rumah bersepah -anak dah sepahkan rumah, tak dapat masak - anak kacau masak, tak dapat menaip tesis(/update blog) -anak asyik main laptop dan tengok kartun di Youtube, tak dapat nak pakai tudung lilit/ brooch cantik /berhias2- anak dah pandai tarik2 tudung dan barang kemas, tak dapat melancong - anak kecil lagi , dan seumpamanya..Dan ibu-ibu yang pada awalnya eksyen ni akan senyap sepi sedikit sebab mereka dah lihat apa kesan kehadiran anak yang dieksyen2kan dalam kehidupan mereka. Pada masa ni mereka tak akan mesej saya lagi dah, tapi mereka akan update di blog/facebook gambar anak2 mereka yang tengah menguap lah, gambar anak tengah jelir-jelir lidah siap keluar air liur lah, gambar , gambar anak tengah makan french fries la, tengah main-main di park la, tengah pakai baju baru beli lah, tapi mereka tak akan sekali-kali update rungutan mereka (as written before) dalam blog/facebook. Sebab mereka actually malu dah terlebih eksyen sebelum ni..

Saya ada seorang kawan yang sibuk cerita mengidam fastfood sebab tengah pregnant di Facebook. Kemudian dia senyap sunyi tanpa update. I thought dia tengah berpantang ke apa..Tak lama kemudian, ada cerita dia tengah mengidam lagi, eh tak beranak-ranak ke? Rupanya sebelum ni dia keguguran..Tu la senyap je, bila pregnant semula, rancak balik di social networking sites.

Saya ada juga sepupu yang baru melangsungkan perkahwinan, dan heboh satu family dia sedang loya-loya kerana pregnant. Saya tak la terkejut sangat sebab saya dah tahu dulu, dah dia sibuk update di Facebook betapa tak sihatnya dia..Semua orang speculate dia pregnant dan dia tak menafikan dan dia tak kisah juga mewarwarkan berita gembira tersebut..Tak lama kemudian, senyap je..Saya ingat dia dah bersalin pun..Rupa-rupanya dia senyap kerana dia keguguran, kembar pula tu..Saya agak sedih di situ sebab dia sepupu saya walaupun kami langsung langsung langsung tak rapat. Kalau jumpa kat kampung pun tak bersalam. Masa mak saya beritahu berita tu, saya cuma cakap "tak apa lah, dia senang lekat, lepas ni boleh buat anak lagi..tak macam saya.." dan mak cuma terdiam je..

Saya pernah baca beberapa blog pasangan yang baru setahun kahwin tapi mereka sangat-sangat mahukan anak. Mereka menulis lebih kurang begini, "saya dah lama tunggu untuk pregnant ni sebab saya tertekan dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan orang sekeliling.."..

Saya pula mahukan anak jika Allah merasakan saya sudah bersedia.Bukan kerana nak 'jawab' pertanyaan 'orang-orang bodoh' tu.

Boleh tak juga jangan buat status atau update di blog berbunyi macam ni: "Bila saya dengar sedara saya kemurungan kerana tidak mempunyai anak, saya rasa bersyukur dan sangat beruntung kerana anak kami wujud walaupun tanpa diduga.." ataupun "Saya merasa kasihan dengan kawan saya sebab dia tidak diberikan rezeki yang satu tu..mungkin ada kesilapan yang dia telah lakukan tapi dia tidak sedar..nak cerita pasal anak dengan dia pun serba salah, takut dia kecil hati.." ataupun "Bila saya tengok kawan saya bermain-main dengan anak saya, saya melihat wajahnya dan merasa simpati dengan dia. Kawan saya ini dah lama berkahwin, lebih lama dari saya tetapi Allah memberikan saya rezeki anak dahulu dari dia."ataupun "Tak sangka kami dikurniakan rezeki ini tatkala orang di sekeliling kami mengharapkan keajaiban seorang bayi.." ataupun "Tak sangka hasben saya sharp shooter.."

Oh nak cerita pada orang kaulah yang paling beruntung dan bertuah di muka bumi ni?
Oh nak cakap kau memang tak ada dosa, yang kawan kau tu banyak dosa sebab tu Tuhan tak bagi anak?
Apahal kau kesian pulak tengok muka kawan kau tu..Nasib baik dia nak main2 dengan anak kau..Kalau dia busuk hati macam saya, dia tak hingin pun nak cium anak kau..
Apahal kau nak bangga sangat kau diberi rezeki anak kemudian nak compare2 dengan orang lain?
Rasa-rasanya husband kau yang sharp shooter tu, dia happy tak tengok badan kau gemok gedempol sebab asyik beranak je tak macam bini orang lain yang cun bergetah?

Percayalah, kami tidak pernah minta simpati atau perasaan kasihan dari kamu. Salahkan jika tidak mempunyai anak? Oh sebab payah nak bercerita sesama sendiri ya..

Saya merasakan seolah-olah orang yang belum mempunyai anak disisihkan. Disisihkan sebab:
1) Payah nak cerita pasal kenakalan anak. Nak cerita anak dah pandai apa pun bukan dia faham
2) Nanti kalau tertanya pasal dah pregnant belum, kecil hati pula
3) Payah kalau nak jual barang baby dengan dia, dia bukan ada anak pun
4) Takut nak dekat dengan dia sebab takut aura tak subur tu melekat pula pada aku
5) Ada yang tertinggal..? Boleh tambah

Hoi, kami cuma tak ada anak je, bukan pesakit yang dah nak mati..!

Monday, 28 November 2011

Alternative treatment : The ikhtiar and the unbelievable truth #2

 
 
 
 
Had We sent down this Quran on a mountain, you would certainly have seen it falling down, splitting asunder because of the fear of Allah, and We set forth these parables to men that they may reflect
Al-Hashr: 21 (Holy Quran)



Note: Entry ini macam panjang. Kalau ada masa lapang, baru boleh menghadap baca. Yang baik jadikan teladan, yang buruk jadikan sempadan.

Sambungan dari Alternative treatment: The ikhtiar and the unbelievable truth #1

Thanks friends for the tips. Memang betul pun, apa-apa hal mesti kena rajin solat, tambahkan solat sunat, istiqamah dalam membaca Quran walaupun sedikit sehari, dan berzikir. After berubat pun, Haji A pun suruh I banyakkan berzikir. Speaking of which, a day before berubat tu, I pasang ayat Ruqyah via Youtube. Then in the middle of the verses, I rasa macam mual, antara macam nak muntah atau mual macam nak sendawa. Queasiness. My brother jenguk I di bilik. Tengok I pasang ayat tu di Youtube, tapi bilik gelap tak bukak lampu, so he thought I were asleep. I baring nampak dia jenguk I tapi I buat tak tahu je..And pastu dia blah. Then dalam 5 minit lepas tu, I bangun dan terus menerpa my brother yang tengah tengok TV..I tanya dia, "kau kalau dengar ayat Ruqyah tu kau rasa nak muntah ke mual tak?" Dia jawab, "Takde. Aku okay". I was like "Oooo.."...and masuk bilik semula.
Rupanya2, lepas tu my brother ni confided dengan my brother lagi sorang pasal benda ni. Langsung tak beritahu I atau family members lain. Dia kata masa dia jenguk I dalam bilik tu, dia ingat I terlelap masa pasang Youtube. Tapi dalam masa yang sama, dia ternampak macam bayangan hitam satu lembaga yang tengah menghadap dinding bilik I. Dia siap pandang lembaga tu atas bawah. Tapi dia kata tak la seram ke hapa sebab adik I memang jenis hijab terbukak.


Yang husband pula, I suruh dia pasang sentiasa mp3 Quran dalam kereta dan dalam bilik hostel tempat dia berkursus, dia pun cakap benda yang sama bahawa yang setiap kali pasang Quran, dia rasa mual, mual macam nak muntah atau macam nak sendawa. The thing is, kalau kita asyik sendawa, walaupun bukan atas sebab kekenyangan, lebih2 lagi bila mendengar ayat Quran, ia petanda bahawa dalam badan kita ada makhluk halus.



Ok. Sambung cerita perawatan. Masa berubat tu, Haji A minta sejadah dan suruh I lunjurkan kaki. So dia baca la ayat-ayat Quran yang I boleh dengar jelas butirannya. And personally, masa dia menarik keluar jin-jin tersebut I tak rasa apa2 kecuali queasiness macam nak sendawa. Itu je. Dan yang bercakap dengan Haji A adalah ruh jasad kita (dah cerita in previous entry). And to my surprise, gatal2 di private part dah hilang.  Sebelum Haji A balik, I bagitahu dia pasal my illness yang I tanggung, I ada cerita di Neck Lump, Referred again, Referred,again, seeing ustaz   - almost nak kena operate tapi I insist tak nak sebab ada side effect. Kesan penyakit tersebut my leher kelihatan bengkak sebelah, masa raya Haji haritu lebih membimbangkan sebab seolah2 bengkak tersebut menarik sebelah wajah I sehingga layu sebelah mata I. Bengkak tersebut - I perasan akan besar dan menonjol jika I rasa tertekan. Sebab tu I tak suka rasa tertekan dan depresi sebab kesannya teruk pada wajah I. Sejak didiagnos penyakit tersebut, I tak pernah sentuh tempat tersebut ketika mencuci muka atau mekap atau donning my scarf. I juga telah berjumpa sebanyak2 doktor termasuk doktor pakar - and they confirm it is not cancer. I telah lalui kamera dimasukkan dari hidung, ultrasound, CT Scan (yang masuk dalam terowong putih tu), dan juga telah jumpa doktor bius untuk pengesahan operation. Masa jumpa doktor bius tu la I reject untuk operation. Jika tempat tu tak bengkak, ia tetap sakit bila dipicit and akan rasa macam ada guli kat situ. I know the size of ketumbuhan tu macam guli sebab dah tengok dalam CT Scan result and it only consist of water. 


I asked Haji A jika bengkak tersebut ada kaitan dengan makhluk halus atau memang penyakit. Haji A cuba ubatkan di bahagian situ. Memang ada. Haji A cuba buangkan. And to my surprise, sekarang ni leher I seperti sedia kala dan tak jumpa dah guli tu. Siapa2 picit pun tak sakit. Alhamdulillah. (Cuma hal ini belum dapat pengesahan doktor lagi- sebab tak jumpa doktor dah pasal bengkak leher ni. Ha..tak moh laa....).



Rupa2nya keadaan tak semudah itu. Lusanya, my mum terserempak dengan Makcik A. Not terserempak actually, sebab mereka dalam kelas pengajian yang sama. Mum datang awal sbb buka kunci surau, Makcik A pun datang awal sebab nak confided dengan my mum satu benda. Dia cerita dgn mum that I ni 'teruk' sikit. Dia cakap 'benda' tu datang menerjah mereka pada malam lepas mengubatkan I. Datang pada Haji dalam pukul 2 pagi. Then Haji buatkan pendinding untuk Makcik A. 'Benda' tu datang dengan wajah yang buruk (I boleh describe kat sini as told by Haji and Makcik A- tapi kalau cerita lagi rasa scary sebab buruk sangat) marah2 pada Haji A sebab 'kacau' dan 'usir' tempat dia iaitu dalam badan I.'Dia' cakap dia dah sedap duduk dalam badan I, and cakap juga yang banyak orang tak suka I/menyampah pada I sebab dia tak bagi siapa2 pun suka I sincerely. 'Dia' hanya boleh terima my husband je (tu pun sebab nak guna badan husband) and thus husband pun terkena juga directly from this. Not only that, 'dia' juga mengaku dia sengaja melaga2kan I and husband supaya we separated. Caranya adalah dengan meracuni fikiran dan hati masing-masing. Dari 'dia' juga, Haji then knew that we were fighting head-to-head and suruh mum tanya I. Actually banyak lagi yang 'dia' cakap & marah2 yang I tak boleh cerita kat sini sebab sangat2 menyedihkan I.  Teruknya keadaan tersebut sampai Haji A request if my husband berubat sekali dengan dia. Husband then agree to berubat and dapat cuti. Alhamdulillah.



Haji A dedicated the whole night ubatkan my husband. Di lengan, kepala, kaki, perut, dan ari-ari. Kepala - Haji A trace 'benda' itu hence my husband kept claiming that dia selalu migraine if ada perubahan suhu. Di kaki  dan lengan - ada 'benda' tu juga,that's why husband cannot get so active eventhough husband love sports so much. Ha, yang dekat perut dan ari2 - Haji A sampai tahap menggeleng2 kepala told us that 'benda' tu jilat dan sedut his sperm. Husband told me that after berubat tu, dia rasa ringan dan sihat. 'Benda' yang dalam badan juga duduk di jantung husband - yang menyebabkan perasaannya pada I berubah2. Duduk di kepala yang selalu migraine - yang menyebabkan husband always misunderstood tentang percakapan I atau perbuatan I. Meracuni fikiran dan hati.


Setiap orang kena provide air mineral 1 liter 2 botol dan 3 biji limau purut yang segar. Itu je. Untuk mandi dan minum. Tapiada certain2 pesakit yang teruk sangat sampai kena mandi air kelapa,itu depends. Lepas mandi 3 kali tu, rasa segar sangat sangat sangat sangat, dan I rasa letih sangat sangat. I tanya Haji A why we feel exhausted after mandi tu, dia bagitahu kesan tu disebabkan badan rasa ringan dan telah 'mengeluarkan' makhluk halus dari badan, like kita bertarung gitu. Tapi lepas tidur ok je.


We also asked Haji A if our rented home ada apa2, sebab we constantly dengar orang like berjalan kat ceiling, sometimes I dengar macam bunyi kaki yang berlaga, macam kita berjalan, and tiap2 malam bunyi orang bertukang. Husband naik marah kadang2 sebab mengganggu, tapi I cuma cakap 'ala relaxlah bang, kan perumahan kita perumahan baru, mestilah orang nak mengetuk/bertukang'. Tapi husband tak puas hati, 'takkan la nak bertukang malam2'..I jawab balik, 'apa salahnya bertukang
malam2, siang semua orang kerja, malam la ada masa'..Bila Haji 'tengok'kan our rented home dari rumah my parents, dia bagitahu memang ada 'benda', yang look like orang Asli, siap dengan nama sekali Haji tu sebut. Haji seru 'benda' jumpa dia di situ, dan'benda' tu datang menghadap Haji, melompat kami ke tepi sebab takut gila.haha..Haji halau benda tu, tapi benda tu bagitahu dia cuma menyinggah je..Bukan sebab orang hantar ke apa.. Logic juga la sebab perumahan rumah sewa kami tu perumahan baru, masa kami mula2 pindah, sunyi je. Sekarang dah penuh orang setiap row rumah teres tu.


And we are back to normal like other lovey-dovey husband and wife.


Selalu orang cakap, kalau sekali berubat dan 'usik' tempat 'dia', memang 'dia' akan cuba kembali atau anak pinak cucu piut yang tertinggal tu masih melekat. Dalam dua minggu lepastu, I diserang senggugut. Eh period. Cepat betul..Senggugut yang bersangatan sakit. Selama dua hari dua malam. Tapi darah tak keluar banyak. Macam nyamuk kekenyangan pastu kita pap pap tepuk terpancut darah
dari badan nyamuk, ha macam tu la sikitnya my period. Senggugut tu tahap perut I kembung besar dan keras seperti pregnant 5 bulan, sakit perut berguling2 bersujud kat katil, kat toilet, kat bilik air, etc.


And juga I tak boleh bangun duduk or gelak as usual sebab kalau buat semua2 tu sakit sangat2. Kalau I terpaksa berjalan, I berjalan sambil berbongkok 90 darjah dan mengesotkan jari kaki supaya dapat bergerak. Begitulah teruknya. Puas la bertungku, makan panadol, minum air panas, mum gosok minyak panas satu badan, etc. Pun tak jalan. I bentan. Bentan yang pucat muka semua, kuku kaki tangan semua jadi lebam birat, menggigil satu badan so I pakai stokin, serupa macam orang berpantang. I tak tahan, I texted Haji A. Then dah beberapa jam baru dia noticed my text sbb dia tak perasan. Dia 'ubat'kan I dari jauh. Suruh I baring. I beritahu dia I sakit perut. Sakit perut bersangatan gone. Mum said orang sakit nak beranak pun tak macam I. Alahai mak..ni training namanya mak..ahahah..


Malam pertama I dapat tidur lena tapi tak dapat mengiring or posisi2 selesa. At least dapat tidur pun jadi la. Lupa sekejap tentang sakit. Esoknya, sakit berulang. Perut masih kembung. Keras. Macam pregnant. Darah period masih tak turun. Tapi still bearable sebab bukan sakit perut berguling2. Sakit. Haji A ubatkan sakit perut. Hilang. Tapi sakit menyerang ari-ari pula. Haji A ubatkan lagi. Suruh I baring. Selagi tak hilang selagi tu dia suruh beritahu. Finally hilang juga. Then dia tanya dah sihat ke? I jawab dah. Dia tanya betul ke? I jawab betul. Dia tanya lagi, dah boleh bangun ke? I jawab tak boleh. Sisa2 sakit perut dan ari2 masih ada.


Dia ubatkan lagi dari jauh. Then dia suruh bangun. I bangun. Ok. Dah mula sihat. Masa tu petang. Mum suruh I mandi. I pun dengan jalan tegak pergi bilik air nak mandi, siap cuit adik2.
Sampai di bilik air, sakit perut berguling2 menyerang secara tiba2..I sampai berlutut hampir bersujud kat lantai bilik air tu. Keluar dari bilik air, I kembali bongkok menahan sakit. Di bilik, badan I dah macam berlipat umpama ratu gimnas negara menang sorak penonton, menahan sakit sampai bergulung badan. Mak ayah semua panik. Keadaan berlarutan sampailah mum bagi pandaol yang ke8 untuk dua hari sakit tu. Barulah I boleh pakai baju. Tak tahan sangat, mum called Makcik A untuk minta Haji A datang rumah. Kebetulan hari tu hari dia mengubat pesakit.


Haji A datang rumah dan cakap pada my dad, "saya sampai pagar tadi rasa seram". Beliau minta I baring di living hall senang nak berubat. Masa tu my dad hulur belakang badan beliau supaya I dapat didukung gitu. Husband tak ada, dia pergi kursus..(sedih betul.). Husband just dapat call Haji A dan beri permission untuk mengubatkan I. Tapi masa tu I cakap dengan ayah I boleh jalan. Jalan membongkok mengesot kaki.


Tapi yang peliknya Haji A ubatkan pinggang I. Dia cakap I sakit pinggang. Masa tu I dah mula mengongoi, I cakap I sakit perut. Then bermulalah episod kesakitan yang amat dahsyat. (Eh hyperbola here)


Masa dia baru sahaja memegang perut I, sakit gila sampai I terjerit-jerit dan genggam tangan my dad. Proses tersebut berlangsung berterusan sampailah I bagi isyarat 'berhenti sekejap' sebab tak tahan sangat. Lebih sakit bila dia merentap perut I. Tak sentuh langsung pun actually, dia merentap keluar 'benda' dalam perut I tu. Tapi sakitnya I terjerit2 hadoi hadoi sampai keluar air mata, almost menangis tapi I tak menangis pun. Haji cakap 'benda' tu berangkai-rangkai sampaikan dia sendiri lost count
macamana nak 'rentap' semua keluar terus. I tak tahan. Mula2 perut I dah mula kempis, my dad, my mum, Haji A and Makcik A dah mula lega. I pun mula lega. Tapi kemudian dalam beberapa saat, perut I sakit kembali dan kembung sampai semua orang tau yang perut I looked huge. I dah mula felt drowsy, macam mamai, pandangan macam kabur dan seriously tak ingat apa2 kecuali sakit sakit sakit.



Haji macam mula kepenatan, dia kata dia tak pernah mengubatkan orang yang mempunyai kes seperti I. As last resort, dia azan kuat2 di telinga I. I jawab azan dalam hati. Kemudian dia buat lagi proses 'merentap keluar' benda tu. Sampailah tiba2 I rasa dunia kembali cerah. Eh, nampak my mum duduk kat kepala I, Haji suruh mak lap muka I. Nampak Makcik A macam baru lepas nangis teresak2, dan nampak adik I. I pun cakap, "eh, baru nampak semua orang.."
My dad cakap, "Kau pegang tangan ayah kuat.macam tangan jantan"
I cakap, "Tangan ayah patah ke?"
Haji A nyampuk, "Eh, berseloroh pulak dia"..


Walaupun sakit berguling2 tu dah lega, sisa2 sakit yang 2 hari tu masih terasa, I masih tak dapat tegakkan badan. Haji kata ada nenek kebayan dalam badan I. Haji 'berdialog' dengan nenek tu (ada nama nenek tu), nenek tu cakap dia nak anak yang dalam perut I untuk jadi cucu belaan dia. Mak wonder 'eh napa nak rebut, dah 'ada' ke?'. Haji kata dia tak tahu tapi nenek tu cakap dengan perkataan 'sekiranya ada'. Samada I masa tu dah lekat atau tidak Wallahua'alam. Haji pula tak dapat bagi jawapan tepat pada soalan my mum tu. Beliau kata nak percaya 'mereka' ni pun susah juga, mereka kadang2 menipu. 'Nenek' tu siap duduk sebelah I, and sebagai ganti dia minta nasi kunyit dan telur keesokan harinya kalau tak dapat anak dalam perut. Haji suruh mak buat nasi kunyit dan telur.
Malam tu, as expected, 'nenek' tu datang ke rumah Haji remind him perjanjian tu. 'Dia' nak makan sebelum zohor. Pagi esoknya dalam pukul 6 lebih macam tu, Haji A called my mum suruh cepat2 tanak nasi kunyit. Nasi kunyit memang dah ada dalam simpanan dapur. Haji cakap masa letak nasi kunyit kat laman rumah tu, I kena letak dan sebut nama dia, "Nah XXXX, makan la ini untuk kau."..


Cuma mum rasa tak sedap hati. Sebelum tanak, mum cakap dengan I dan ayah - napa kita
kena ikut kehendak 'nenek' tu..Nanti dah dapat nasi kunyit nak benda lain pula. Sebab my mum  pernah belajar sikit2 tentang jin dan iblis dengan ustaz di surau kawasan perumahan sini. Mum tak sedap hati lalu beliau solat hajat dan baca Yasin minta petunjuk Tuhan - jika Kau perkenan tindakan ini, maka benarkanlah. Jika tidak, Kau berikan petunjuk.


Tak lama kemudian, sebelum pukul 8 gitu, Haji A called mum balik. Beliau suruh batalkan nasi kunyit dan telur tu. Beliau kata pagi ni dia pergi kerja dan jumpa kawan dia yang ada makrifat lebih tinggi tentang jin dan iblis. Sebab Haji kata dia takde pengalaman mengubatkan orang seteruk I dan rasa tak sedap hati tentang kaedah yang dia buat pada I tu. Then Haji beritahu pasal nenek tu. Then kawan Haji terus 'seru' 'nenek' tu. Turn out dia bukan 'nenek kebayan' tapi iblis/jin (tak sure) yang menyamar jadi 'nenek'. 'Nenek' tu siap marah2 kawan Haji dan Haji sebab keluarkan 'dia' dari badan I. 'Dia' cakap dia dah lama duduk dalam badan I berpuluh tahun dan ayat yang I ingat 'dia' cakap gini, "aku sengaja sakitkan dia supaya dia berjalan terbongkok2, kalau tak dia berjalan asyik tegak je". - no wonder I sakit perut gila2 sampai terbongkok2 seriously macam nenek kebayan. Dia siap padankan muka Haji sebab berjaya menipu Haji dan kami semua. Kawan Haji cakap yang kita manusia tak boleh tunduk pada kehendak dia, jangan layan kehendak dia. Kita lebih kuat dari dia.



Maka mum terus buang tanak nasi pulut tu dari periuk. Then I, my mum and dad serta adik beradik I berbual2 sekejap di dining room. Bila mum ke dapur sekejap, nasi pulut yang dah dalam tong sampah tu ada kembali di periuk. Mum siap sumpah seranah like this, 'ooo...hendak juga ya, tak hingin aku nak bagi, kau dah sakitkan anak aku'..ahahhaha..


So husband dari tempat kursus call Haji. Haji minta kalau dia ada cuti, balik da temankan I. Haji kata I lemah semangat, lebih2 lagi bila tak ada husband di sisi. Tang ini I macam tak percaya je Haji kata I lemah semangat, (dia cakap juga masa malam tu - Kau lemah semangat nak ooi..kau perempuan..), sebab I consider myself perempuan kuat and tabah gittewww...Come hell or high water, memang I akan bangkit because being strong is the only choice I have. Bukan I je, I think semua perempuan pun kalau ada apa2 musibah/perkara tak disukai berlaku, kita akan lawan habis2, menentang dunia pun kita sanggup. Betul tak? Tapi ye la I understood, lemah semangat yang Haji maksudkan is different thing of semangat.


My period for this month sangatlah pelik - I thought I senggugut. Mum and Makcik A said senggugut bukan di perut. I thought kalau aliran darah dah lancar (sebab I belum pernah bersalin, I thought I punya tu kecil la) maka senggugut akan hilang. Lebih2 I senggugut cuma 3 kali dalam setahun. Tetapi pelik la kali ini, sebab dah 10 hari I period, I tak pakai pad pun. Darah yang
keluar dalam 1,2 titik je setiap hari.


Malam tu tidur nyenyak. Ok. Dah habis sakit perut dan ari2 berguling2 semua tu..I still tak boleh bangun dari katil. Kalau angkat cawan nak minum or nak berpaling ke hapa sakit pinggang sangat sangat. I thought itu kesan sampingan dua hari punya tu sebab bisa2 sakit perut masih ada, cuma tak berguling2 itu pun dah syukur. Nak letak dulang atas meja sakit, nak bangun sakit, nak pakai spender pun kena angkat kaki dengan tangan untuk masukkan kaki dalam spender, kalau duduk mesti terbongkok2. Sakit pinggang ya amat. Tapi i tahan lagi. Then bila dah dua hari keadaan yang sama berlangsung, Haji called me. Maybe dia tahu kot I sakit. So dia ubatkan dari jauh. So, sakit pinggang I tu mengiyakan sangkaan dia masa dia ubatkan I haritu, cuma I tak sedar I sakit pinggang sebab I sakit perut sangat. Bila sakit perut hilang, baru sedar sakit pinggang tu ya Tuhan macam orang tua 100 tahun. Dua hari sakit pinggang i bertungku semula, sebab sakit gila sampai bentan, berstokin semula, pakai koyok, etc. Hari kedua, i perasan kalau waktu pagi i sihat, kalau zohor terus sakit balik. Then Haji ubatkan dari jauh..And pada hari ketiga barulah I sembuh sedikit demi sedikit..And dah boleh gelak bila adik buat lawak.


Ok kalau you all tanya napa tak pergi hospital/clinic. I langsung tak boleh bangun. Plus, this is first time sakit sampai berhari2. Selalunya kalau senggugut I kena sehari je then esok dah ok. Sometimes I just consume panadol untuk reduce the pain, which I don;t like sebab tak suka panadol dijadikan ubat, i'm worry kalau my body immune sangat dengan panadol. So paling tinggi pun one day la I senggugut. After darah melimpah, it will be okay..Tapi kali ini, darah alahai sikitnya.. So i know this must be something weird.



Kedua, macamana sakit perut tu? Mum pun tanya I the same question. I rasa sakit perut tu macam ada orang pulas pulas tali perut I. Tak cukup itu, macam ada kuku tajam cakar dari atas (pangkal hati) sampai ke ari-ari..Sakit gila. Kadang2 bila I dah letih tanggung yang pulas2 tu, I terasa seperti ada jari dengan kuku tajam cengkam my perut/womb yang buat I terbongkok2 dan bersujud tu..Orang lain tak boleh pegang my perut termasuklah I sendiri, hence nak apply minyak/balm pun tunggu I lega dulu..Eh tak boleh bayang la sakitnya tu.



Ok, next time kita sambung on melawan makhluk halus dalam diri dan kesan perasaan patah hati & depression terhadap kekuatan diri kita yang berkaitan dengan makhluk halus juga.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Geram

Hm..sebelum cerita lain, saya nak ucap tahniah pada rakan TTC yang dah berjaya pregnant. Mrs A. Ada lagi yang saya tertinggal? Maaflah, saya langsung can't surf your blogs and i don't know why..Only that i able to surf your blogs via my handphone..Congratulation.

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It's true i decide i want to take a long 'holiday'. Free from TTC..It's not that i give up, but i only want to focus on my study. But, but...

Just this afternoon, the colleagues talk about balik kampung in school holiday. So, one of the colleague tell us the story about her husband willing to take Cuti Tanpa Gaji to follow her to her hometown for a month. She tell us that before this his husband just sent her to her hometown and got back to work. I'm not talking about the distance of one state to another, but it across the South China Sea..

But she tell us that her husband willing to follow her and take the long leave selepas mereka mendapat anak. So, one of the colleague kakak senior yang dah tua ganyut pun tell her, "yelah, anak kan pengikat kasih.." and she look at me and said "eh, janganlah kecil hati pula.."

So, i tell her "elleh..tak de anak pun berikat juga..sebab tu kami jalan2..rugi tak ada anak tak berjalan..habis duit cari lagi.."

So, the colleague yang ada anak tadi tu pun cakap " memang pun..takde anak lagi best..boleh jalan.."

So, the kakak ganyut ni nak cover cakaplah.."belum masanya lagi kan.." Then gelak2 nak cover..

Dalam hati memang la rasa nak cakap "F**k you la orang tua ganyut nak mampus..kau nak berjalan pun kau risau duit kau keluar anak berderet2..."

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Konon je cakap nak hiatus kan..bila dah geram hah, laju aku type ni..

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Hiatus

Sebenarnya dah lama kami tak berjumpa doktor. Bila difikirkan, kami berserah saja kepada Allah.

Agak lama menyepi kerana saya sudah lama berhenti TTC..Saya sudah tidak peduli berapa ovulation days saya, sudah tidak peduli bila hari terakhir period saya..tak peduli nak makan vitamin itu vitamin ini..Kami lebih banyak merancang masa depan kami..

Hiatus reasons:
a) saya tak tahu kenapa banyak blog yang tak dapat saya layari, ada error..tau2 je kawan2 yang selalu comment di blog picisan ini sudah pregnant berminggu2

b) saya perlu fokus kepada tesis sarjana saya..

c) saya dan suami menangguhkan TTC kerana kami berdua dah kehabisan wang asyik melancong sana sini, tiket flight last beli untuk bulan 3 tahun hadapan..

d) lately, kami mula spend our money into gadjets..handphone kegilaan ramai saat ini yang saya tak pernah impikan berada di tangan saya. so dah tak ada duit untuk pergi jumpa doktor yang perlu duit beratus2 setiap sesi tu

e) erm..yang terakhir, saya perlu sembuh dari penyakit yang saya selalu post di blog ini. Telah didiagnoskan oleh doktor. Tepat telahan doktor, my salivary gland tersumbat. so the operation should be on February tapi saya minta tangguh sebab nak travel bulan tiga, so saya minta bulan 4..

f) rasa2nya  yang paling penting tentulah saya perlu habiskan tesis sarjana saya..masa depan dan karier perlu saya majukan..saya tidak boleh berada di takuk lama..

Terima kasih pada kawan2 TTC yang sudi singgah blog picisan ini..Apabila mendengar berita kamu mengandung, saya tahu you are deserve to that kerana cabaran2 yang telah kamu hadapi telah Allah gantikan dengan pengalaman indah. Saya juga bertambah keyakinan kepada Allah bahawa masa saya akan tiba, dan percayalah blog2 kita akan dipenuhi pula dengan harapan2 kita terhadap anak2 kita..Jangan kita mengikut arus zaman kini yang sibuk memberi nama yang over grand dan panjang pula kepada anak kita, tak usah kita letak di facebook / blog cerita2 mengidam atau baby kicking atau balik dari check up..kita telah melalui perasaan terluka melihat status2 itu, maka sedarlah bahawa masih ramai lagi yang senasib dengan kita..

InsyaALLAH bertemu lain hari

Monday, 7 November 2011

Alternative treatment: The ikhtiar and the unbelievable truth #1

 
Say, I seek refuge in the Lord of me
The King of men
The God of men
From the evil of whisperings of the slinking (shaitan)
Who whispers into the hearts of men
From among the jinn and the men
(Al-Naas: 1-6): Holy Quran
 
 
*Tiba-tiba rasa macam detail sangat selepas tulis semua ini..If anything yang you all tak selesa baca or tak setuju do tell me ya..I pun rasa masih tak percaya and somehow I was like in limbo. Benda halus yang tak nampak di mata kasar kita. Tapi ia tetap wujud, tetap makhluk Allah.Wallahua'alam.
 
 

It so hard for me to write this. Sekarang dah pukul 2am but still my mind wandering mindlessly, on how to arrange the diction and the storyline according to chronology so that people will not misunderstood me or being sceptical or judged be as gullible. I was that person, yang skeptikal about the paranormal things on me, but not to others. I do believe in paranormal things, little did I know I and husband were too close with that 'thing' and affect our 4-year marriage severely.
 
 
Actually, in my second/third year of marriage (tak ingat), Mum asked me to do alternative treatment from this Haji A. This Haji A is actually the husband of Makcik A. Makcik A is close mum's friend, also one of the neighbour and also my first guru mengaji sejak umur 5 tahun. Makcik A and Haji A never told anybody that Haji A possesed some ilmu on jins and iblis that he got upon his pilgrimage to Mecca last year. In fact, Haji A is not a typical pious man. Mum knows about Haji A from her friend, yang coincidentally belajar tentang ilmu paranomal. Makcik A and Haji A explain that, they do not want the 'ilm possession come from their mouth, it is tantamount to riya', and Haji A said that riya' can annul his promise with Allah to help people. After that, Mum being a good friend of Makcik A, telling people and announcing to others who have problems to go to Haji A. But only a few believe it then. Tapi a few itu la yang memberi good word-of-mouth. lagipun siapa percaya? Nak-nak this Haji kami dah kenal lama, and tiba-tiba pandai ubatkan orang? (Will tell about this later). Mum asked me to berubat with Haji A. I tak nak. Mati-mati tak nak sampai bergaduh-gaduh dengan Mum.
 
 
I personally masa tu tak nak berubat dengan dia. Actually I afraid that he will be like any other shamans or ustaz yang boasting the ilmu or diagnose the patient publicly. Like the ustaz yang always cakap "Ha..lepas saya ubatkan orang tu, mengandung dia, sekarang dah 4 anaknya dah".."ha..lepas saya ubatkan si anu tu, dia sihat dah tak payah pergi hospital lagi dah..". Macam takbur giteww....Adapun I don't like ustaz/perawat yang diagnose the patient publicly. Like, "Ha..awak ni kuat makan belacan, sebab tu buah pinggang teruk.." or "Awak ni kena buat projek time sekian and sekian, baru lekat..bukan main redah je, patutlah tak lekat.."..with stern voice yang semua pesakit yang nak datang jumpa tu tau your condition. Erm..malu kot..I like if the perawat conceal the facts, walaupun dengan family sendiri. Some perawat yang dah diberi ilmu yang tinggi sort of dapat melihat masa silam kita..I don't mind actually just I don't like to be told publicly..So I afraid this Haji will be that kind of perawat, and malulah I nanti satu taman perumahan tau, kan dia is one of the neighbour..
 
 
Entah macamana, I rasa bosan sangat dengan hidup sendiri,rasa gelisah, tak tenteram, menangis untuk benda kecil, marah untuk benda kecil, sentap dengan benda kecil, baca Quran pun sedih, nak solat Subuh malas, nak baring dan tidur je, and I sort of misanthropic, melawan mak ayah, garang, bengis, telinga nipis, kuat marah, kuat membebel tanpa maksud,  not to mention that starting from March 2013, I and husband always fighting head-to-head..Sampailah raya Haji haritu I felt that I am ready nak berubat. I thought that kalau dapat anak both of us will stop fighting.(dah salah niat I know). Then I told Mum yang I nak berubat with the Haji A and asked Mum to arrange my appointment.


From march 2013 husband and I dah mula utter the word 'divorce' from our mouth. But then seteruk2 fight, seromatik itu juga both of us when we are calming down. Both us cakap that we are 100% changed. I kata dia berubah, and vice versa. Two weeks later after Raya Haji,husband sent me to my parents house sebab dia kursus, and dalam seminggu tu dia langsung tak call/mesej I. I tanya then dia mengaku yang dia nak escapism. And kursus tu is the raison d'etre.  I cannot tahan and told my mum that we are not in good condition, tapi tak lah cerita into detail. But Mum so sad and almost cried. She thought I will ended up like my paternal family yang bercerai-berai. Masa tu I was so determined, apa nak jadi, jadi lah. I even tak nangis langsung. Setitik pun tidak. She immediately buat appointment with Haji A and Makcik A. Both of them agreed to come over to my parents house, sebab tak boleh rawat di rumah mereka, since ada baby rumah tu. The Haji A then asked us to provide 2 bottles of mineral water 1litre and 6 biji limau purut.

Malam tu, both of them datang. To my shock, there were 3 ekor of jinns in my body. One is Qarin, one is Afrit and one he not told me the exact name. The jinns were in my body dah lama and dah sedap duduk dalam my womb and my private part. First thing he asked me "ada gatal-gatal ke bahagian bawah tu waktu malam sebelum tidur?"...Yang I tak faham I berkerut-kerut then Makcik A explain clearly the question. I pun jawab, "ha'ah, gatal-gatal". Then dia cakap, "dia duduk dan bergayut kat situ"..

He uttered and read some Quranic verses, yang kalau I bagitahu pun mesti you all akan cakap, --lah ayat itu je..?--ha..tapi it's the truth, ayat2 yang dia gunakan adalah ayat biasa yang kita baca dalam Ma;thurat dan beberapa ayat untuk PAFA budak sekolah menengah. After that I saw that he uses his hand virtually like he want to pull out something heavy from me, and susah sangat sampai merah2 muka dia,timbul semua urat2 muka and he said to my Dad,"dia melawan. dia tak nak keluar". Then Haji A ulang balik the Quranic verses sampailah dia terbatuk2 macam nak muntah macam nak terburai perut. We provide the plastic kalau2 dia termuntah ke hapa..Agak lama dia mengeluarkan the jinns. Dalam 40 mins macam tu barulah he saw me 'clean'. He then said to my Dad, "benda tu duduk sebelah Haji.."..

My Dad ada juga tanya2 dia about makrifat, so he telling briefly that he is having conversation with our 'jasad'. Our body consist of jasad fizikal dan jasad ruh. Jasad fizikal boleh menipu tapi jasad ruh tak boleh kerana kita semua ada perjanjian dengn Tuhan before we were born. Jasad ruh tak boleh menipu and jasad ruh is clean and want the best for us, yang baik dan yang suci..The jasad ruh will tell Haji A if the person is 'clean' or not. (This is beyond our knowledge. I should stop here before it was going too far). He concealed a very very few information of the paranormal things inside me and the truth behind. Cuma sometimes he informed us sekali lalu tanpa dikesan like masa dia minum teh he said to me, "ada orang nak tak dapat.."and terus teguk air teh. Ada sekali lagi dia cakap "saya pernah gatal telinga sebab ada jinn masuk, gatal sangat, tanya dia, dia tahu" (pointing fingers to me) pastu terus cerita lain. He also said that after he treat the patient, some of the paranormal things came to him before he went to bed, as a result to resentment from the jinns.

Makcik A keep saying his gratitude sebab I terbuka hati nak berubat. Dia kept asking me why and how I terbuka hati nak berubat. She said that it is not easy, it is very hard because the jinns inside our body will influence our mind, our heart, our body, our thoughts, and even our rizq. Mum then replied that dia sembahyang hajat so that I will be given petunjuk. And also maybe the barakah of my Dad yang tiap2 pukul 4pagi hingga Subuh solat malam and ngaji non-stop, and also barakah of du'a by my parents in law who are currently at Mecce performing Hajj.

How I terbuka hati nak berubat? Actually it started masa I baca the post Qarin by Mrs ARK.Ha..tengok pada komen-komenya. Bergaduh time waktu subur. Bergaduh gila-gila. Bila dah habis waktu subur, wah bukan main romantik sangat. Bila baca post perawatan Islam dari Jay Farhana Finding Two Lines tu, hati masih belum terbuka. Bila baca komen2 dari post Mrs ARK tu dan post pasal perawatan Islam tu, rasa macam 'eh, macam ada yang tak kena dengan aku je ni..'..tak boleh jadi, sampai bila nak bertahan. Sampai bila nak jadi macam ni. (Jadi macam ni maksud I adalah - asyik marah, panas baran, asyik bergaduh dengan husband, susah dapat kerja, etc - bukan tak mengandung or ada anak. I niat nak sihat. Dan nak pulihkan hubungan kami suami isteri because I know my husband adalah lemah lembut orangnya, bukan panas baran macam kena rasuk yang I selalu witnessed tu)..Actually, my story banyak similarity dengan story from Mrs ARK.

After that, my adik pula berubat because he keep seeing paranormal things. Turn out, masa Haji A tu berubatkan dia, sekejap je. Tak teruk macam I pun. Haji A pesan if both of us malam ni tak leh tidur or the gatal-gatal keep coming, call dia immediately.

To my surprise, an hour later, my husband calling me for AN HOUR! Dari pukul 2pagi-3pagi. And mula mengucapkan kata-kata rindu dan sayang. Sampailah hari ini.

Actually two days later, I dapat berita mengejutkan dari Makcik A about me and my womb and also my marriage. And told my Mum that both of us are extremely 'tenat' and demand if husband can berubat too. A week later, husband got cuti sempena Maal Hijrah and both of us berubat sekali, means I berubat dua kali.

(bersambung)

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

These are harsh; not recommended

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.  ~Max Eastman

 


Although there are flooding of mommy blogs, I still found that the un-mommy blogs are humorous in talking about bomb questions.  Especially after raya celebration, the bomb questions is the central main issues in blog writing, be it "Bila nak kahwin?" "Bila nak beranak?" "Kenapa tak beranak?" "Takde kerja lain asyik mengandung je?" "Kerja mana?" "Gaji berapa?" "Beli rumah dah?" etc etc the list goes on.

I've read some blogs and what caught my attention is the FAQs in Raya.

I am so intrigued reading those blogs because they talked about the bomb questions that I (and you) hate. Their answers are extremely hillarious (at least for me).

Let me modify the answer based on our situation (For those who want to try this, these are harsh you know..)

1
When Lady Annoying rub your belly, and asked "Dah ada isi?"
We can answer. "Ada. Lemak. Nak sikit?"
or
We can answer, "Tak tahu. Tak ada scanner nak tengok isi perut ni."
or
We can answer, "Takde." and we rub  back their belly and asked back "Dalam ni baby ke lemak?"

2
When Lady Annoying make statement with question like this, "Tak ada anak lagi?/ "Tak ngandung lagi?"
Dengan muka seposen but sarcastically we can say, "Tak..apa nak buat, tak subur macam awak(/makcik)"
or
With the same face expression, we can say "Tak..tak reti buat anak macam awak. Awak terer.." (sambil senyum sindir..-ini mesti buat..haha..)

3
Modified from Jebonisme
If they ask, "Dah ngandung?"
We say, "Dah, due 31st February next year"
If they reply Alhamdulillah, they are stupid stupid stupid

4
If they ask "Merancang ke?"
We can say, "Ha'ah, sebab nak travel oversea next month"

5
Q: Takde anak lagi?
A: Tak. Saya mandul makcik..
I don't recommend this. Imagine if you say it for 40 times. God Forbid!

6
All of the answer above will make them a little bit annoyed, and they may say "Laa..cakap je la tak pregnant"
We can say "Next year la saya beranak, ada budak leceh la..."

I warned you kan..It harsh.

Harsh, tapi saya nak try.

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Rumah kemas pun sempat nak perli lagi?

Everyone like something beautiful, sweet and attractive. I like my home to be neat and tidy, always. My home is my heaven where I put a lot of effort to make it as a 'home sweet home'. I dont want my home to be just a house with people live in without soul inside. I like my home to be the calmness centre for me and my husband. In spare time, I like to decorate my home, it is just a small rental house, but i transform it into a home. I still remember when i step in for the first time, this house is like a cave. I'm not blaming the landlord, i just blaming the tenant before us because she was a single woman live alone.

I transformed the home with the minimal cost as possible, be it new small furniture like cofee table or stand lamp or other small decoration to live up the surrounding. It turned very well from the original shape.. Kawan2 my husband used to come to our house to visit my husband, and they talked about their wife, the uncreative, lazy and uninterested wife in home interior.

My neighbour who i used to write about her, came several times to my home, and she kept saying to her son who just not even 1 year,

"Tengok, rumah aunty ni kemas, sebab dia tak ada anak"

At first, i just ignored the saying. But when it is kept repeated, i feel disgusted. Ok, why should my home disarray like your house?

Ironically and secretly, she did also try to transform her house like mine but to no avail. In other words, she is not creative and I can see she doesn't have ability to play around with the home decoration, let alone to decorate it in a modern way. She did put some decorations but the home turned out like cheap colourful nursery. Too much efforts spoil the house. With hyperactive son, she is not able to make her home like mine although the furniture in her house is newer.

I like my home to be nice, neat and tidy. And i can keep it because i have no child, yet.

And you?

You just can daydreaming to have a nice house as you add up your family members with second child.

Kesian..lain kali jangan nak mengata rumah orang kalau dalam hati teringin..

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Fight

Sept 24, 2011
17:21


I and my husband had a huge fight. It happened because I can't stay calm about seeing the ustaz things several days ago.
I asked him how can he know about that ustaz?
I asked him why he should lie to me that seeing the ustaz only to ask about my neck lump, not about TTC?
I asked him why it should be accompanied with that friend? The friend he is not so-close, and create a big gap with me for some unknown reason.
I asked him why he can't defend me, like he always do?
I asked him why, why, why..


Practically all of the above has answers but it ended with a huge fight.


I asked him how can he know about that ustaz?
He tell me about his light conversation with that friend, light conversation that they always did just to kill the time in the toilet sneaking for smoking. That friend always asked him how long we are married, and my husband told him we are nearly 2. The friend made an assumption "Belum ada anak, kesiannya....". And he recommended to my husband about the ustaz. My husband also tell me that kind of conversation always take place but he never tell me because he know it will break my heart. However, due to the illness with surgery possibility that I facing right now made him a bit afraid and he agreed to see the ustaz, without telling his friend about the main reason i.e. my illness


I asked him why he should lie to me that seeing the ustaz only to ask about my neck lump, not about TTC?
He said he's not lying. (Yeah, theoretically but not practically). He tell me he want to kill two birds with one stone.


I asked him why it should be accompanied with that friend? The friend that we are not so close with.
Like I expected, this friend want to show to us the ustaz house. But I think the friend want to sneak into our 'private' life.


When I asked him why he can't defend me like he always do?
He can't take the questions and started scold me for being ungrateful. He insisted that I always blamed him, not thanked him for what he had done. And that's the beginning of our fight.It's not I'm ungrateful. I know some people will blame me and said that I should be lucky have a chance to see the ustaz who can help me, and should be lucky having a husband who will do anything for me.


But, i beg to differ.
First, like I said before, I don't like strangers enter our life. That friend made an assumption which is theoretically true but I still believe I'm not meant to become a mother yet because I'm still a postgraduate student. I still believe in Allah's plan. Not that I don't want a baby but I believe the time is not yet.


I still confused why my husband had the temerity to let the strangers come into our life, because from what I know, he don't like any person to be 'busybody' with our life. He is not quite get along with that friend but how come he follow what that friend recommendation. It is okay if my husband asked about my illness, but not about TTC in front of his not-so-close friend. In short hand, I don't like him..I mean, the friend, not my husband.


I don't like people asking me why or when about pregnancy. Why or when are the two questions beyond my knowledge. The word 'kesian' to me is somewhat downgrading someone. I feel I was humiliated in the indirect way,like I have nothing (like I wrote before). Why he should pity too much to us, while our families don't care about me being mother or not (they may ask, but not to me, maybe in discreet). When my mother-in-law called me, she never asked if I'm pregnant, but asked me how
my thesis going on, am I in the pink or not, what I cook for today, when we will back to our kampung, update stories from family members but not on pregnancy..


I have this intention, if he ask or comment again about my so-called lackness and so-called disability, I will let him know that marriage is not about making children with low quality with high quantity, but it is more than that. I want to let him know that strangers is unwelcome into my life, so get out!


Update - (28th Sept 2011,10:27am)
We reconciled, after some thoughts. He was being nice to me before but I ignored him. He asked me to accompany him but then I replied "Tak perlu ajak saya, pergi ajak kawan celaka abang tu!". He persuaded me but still, i neglected him. Somehow, he was not made an apology to me, neither am I

I don't know what to do. I don't know either if our officemates gossiping about us, but I don't care anymore. I reconciled with my husband because I realized our journey still going on and this is our life (sort of) tribulation. I let out of my anger, yelling and screaming and did no usual housechores. He done all housechores, and I only go out from bedroom only to eat i.e breakfast, lunch. He did bought me some my favourite cake and pastries but I didn't touched them. All the food went rotten in the dustbin. He also did the laundry, as I made an excuse I have no clothes to put on when he asked me to accompany him to open house.

But my intention to 'sembur' that friend still not vanish. Nantilah, jaga kau nanti!

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Seeing the ustaz, or so-called

Sept 22, 2011
00:01


I lost the car key today before went back from work. I called my husband and asked him to send me the extra key. My husband, i saw, was putting grumpy face with the incident. Then, i rushed back to home, only to know that my husband arranged an appointment with the ustaz.My husband told me he wanted to asked about my neck lump, I didn't took my bath, and straightly we went to his friend's house. The friend that i don't like. It's not that I always being prejudice but he is not friendly toward me. I was told that the ustaz is his relative.

We arrived at the ustaz house and my husband tell the ustaz about my neck lump. The ustaz advised me to do some things and he says nothing about paranormal things or anything but only because of my eating habit. He advised me to ask my family if i have any food allergic. Ok. I thought it will be a short meeting, but it's not ended there.

My husband eventually voice out our 'problem', that we are trying to conceive, in front of his friend! I feel humiliated,because it was done in front of his friend, our officemate. It's not that i don't want people to know our efforts but i feel more comfortable if the process is done with someone I trust and comfortable with, not with someone I don't like.
What I felt at that time was...only a dark empty transparent hole blanketed me. When the ustaz asked me everything i just nodded, staring on the floor, looking at the face of ustaz,searching for the sincerity in everyone's face in the house and i felt so empty..I felt like i have nothing. The ustaz made for us some water and he said there is nothing wrong about us, it just the rezeki is not yet for us..I just feel so down when the ustaz also told to my husband that it is not my fault if i'm not pregnant yet..Why the blame for everything bad should be on woman? Moreover, the ustaz was like snobby on his
ability, tell us stories about couples seeing him and asked for his help and they have 3,4 children now. The ustaz sugar-coating his ability by saying "tapi, itu semua Qada' dan Qadar'..If that so, the ustaz should not boast his doa ability or whatever water given by him to the couples like us. Qada' dan Qadar kan..

At the time the ustaz gave his consultation, the friend had to answer the call. He went outside and didn't know the detailsof the consultation. After he came back, the consultation is over. He immediately asked the ustaz like this, "Jadi ustaz, mereka ni ada apa-apa masalah tak?"
WTF!

The ustaz said "No". I just thought the friend is so damn fucking "busybody" yet I still kept silent. If we have problem,so you are the first person to know about them and will tell everybody in our office?
In the car headed to our home, he kept telling the stories about his family members and his friend about getting pregnant after some years of marriage. Huh!

I believe if we see a treatment or do a treatment, we accompanied by our husband, or mummy, or our nearest family, or someone we comfortable with. My husband instead, accused me after it was over, assumed me that i will 'fire my bomb' for not discuss this thing with me first. Ironically, I just kept silent and said 'I don't know, I feel nothing anymore..'

{weeping}
I'm shivering, It's not I don't like seeking treatment, it just i'm not ready because my husband not telling me or discuss with me..let alone with someone I don't like. I want to be a mum, i longing for a baby, but i want them because i want them, not because of other people.

{wiping tears}

Monday, 26 September 2011

After raya, not yet pregnant.

19th Sept 2011
10.06am

My health condition
I was referred to the Orthopedic and surgery specialist at government hospital. Numbness and blankness filled me. I don't know how to express my feelings; am I nervous? Am I excited? am I exuberant? or am I scared? I don't know, but my mom kept calling me and expressing her worriness about my neck lump that I mentioned before. She afraid if it might be cancer or the sub-cancer. She told me about the visit of my father's cousins in Raya recently, and they also facing the same way.Apparently it is undangerous, or their doctors told them so.

I went to the hospital, and waiting for my turn. The room full with octogenarians and thats why my turn reached at 11.45am  although I waited since 9am, since the old citizens are given priority to see the doctors. Eventually i met the doctor, and he did asked me several questions, same questions as previous doctors. Except he instructed me to open my mouth and lift my tongue, so he found the real cause of the lump. He found that my gland is also having the lump.

Apparently it is not cancer or something that my mom thinked about. It just my salivary gland and my weak immunisation. Talk about immunisation, some doctors I met before also talked about the same thing, I am weak compared to my husband, and that explains why I was given extra medication although we went to see the same doctor with the same disease. The specialist decided that my condition is not suit with his specialization and referred me to another specialist which is
ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) Specialist. My appointment will be tomorrow. I hope I can get rid of this lump, it makes my face look funny and I feel downgraded with that lump, except I am grateful I am not lying down on bed.

About TTC
The result from HPT = Not Pregnant. I know I'll not pregnant in this nearest months. However,we are so naughty and babydancing on the way to our hometowns in hotel room..{shy}.Back to our small crib when the Raya holiday is over, I thinkedI felt the cramp. I thought it was the implantation cramp, but second thought, it might be ovulation cramp. The cramp was hovered about 3 days, and I was stupid we didn't making love at those days. I bought a HPT before we catch movies on the weekend. I did the test and waited. Before the movie was begun, the test showed the result and brought me the agony. The agony rose when I just realized my husband bought "The Smurfs" movie when it begun, with the heroin (Grace Wilson - character in the movie) is pregnant her first child with her husband. What the...I watched the movie with no interest except seeing the belly of Grace Wilson and her maternity blouse.

How about Raya?
Raya been so calming because no one in my family members asking about the pregnancy, and that's what i love about my family in law. They asking me about my carrer and my Master thesis.How thoughtful! The only thing i despise in this Raya is, I went to the relative house and ate about 2 and a half bowl of laksa. One of the relative who was not interested to entertain us suddenly asking me about pregnancy ("Mengandung ke?") and put her hand on my belly.I just said in smile "Tak". I loathe her and I told my mom about that. My mom telling me this, "macam mana dia tak ingat kau mengandung, kau makan banyak.Kan perempuan bunting selera makannya bertambah". How stupid I am,only know satisfying my big appetite while if i want to eat laksa, i can found it ubiquotously.

I went to my friend's wedding, and my other friends who coincidentally also in the ceremony were not asking but complimented me how i can stay slim. But, before I want to go back and greeted the bride's mother, her father asking me if I pregnant. Of course I said "Tak". He correcting me "Bukan tak ada, belum rezeki".. Ok uncle, if you know so much about rezki, don't ever ask me again about my inside in my stomach. Care for your own daughter lah!

I think if I still not getting pregnant next year, I want to travel to oversea in Raya..How pathethic!

20 September 2011
5:57pm

Today I see the ENT specialist, or knowns as Otorinolaringologi (Ear, Nose and Throat). The doctor confirmed that my lump is caused by salivary gland, either my saliva is abundant or the gland is blocked. She also checked my nose and the result my nose is in pink. I asked if it is cancer but she against the idea because the my lump is extremely soft while the cancer have hard lump. I went to pathology department for blood test and waited for one and half hour to get the result.

After that, I straighly went to x-Ray department to get my appointment to do the CT Scan. It will be on early November.The doctor said, the operation will be performed based on CT Scan. I asked the possibility of operation, given with my case, and the doctor told me there is big possibilty that I will have to undergo operation to avoid increment of the lump and to cut the blocking gland.
I am sorry this blog is somewhat dull, because I am dull and the story here is dull. I am not eloquent with story-telling.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

No babymaking on Raya

A period is just the beginning of a lifelong sentence.  ~Cathy Crimmins

I don't think I will get pregnant in these two or three months. My cycle for this month is the shortest I ever experienced. So, i lost my count on when will be my ovulation period. If I count based on average (11th until 16th), it will fall on Raya week. It is impossible for babymaking while we are spending most of our time on the wheel, as our Raya holiday is so short and our hometowns take hours in journey. Plus, we are travelling a lot to attend our friends' wedding. Guess what will be the bomb question to us..? Hahha.. And not to mention we have to catch up our flight to go back to our small crib..Pheewww!!

But it's ok, I'll hoping no more after this. Will TTC back on Oct I think. I want to reduce my weight like Kak Irtiyah and boost my appearance, confidence level and my image, putting more make up, consume more supplements, more frequent visit to facial and salon and spa, to live life, to the fullest.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Trepidation

You've gotta have hope.  Without hope life is meaningless.  Without hope life is meaning less and less.  ~Author Unknown


I was so shocked this morning because the Aunt Flow is coming. The spotting came over 3 days ago but I didn't thought it would be so soon. Today is 17 Aug, while my regular period is always on 21st every month. My husband texting me asking if we can repeat our 'project' but sadly I had to tell him that the project is over.

My mum called this afternoon telling me the story about the birth from my childhood friends at my hometown. Their mother kept asking my mum when will my turn, as their daughter/son were got married months later than mine. . This made me more dissapointed and frustrated.

I tell my husband about the call from my mum, and we both were sinked and drowned in our own miserable and deep thought of infertility that chain us until today. We both believed that our parents are more 'suffering' in this waiting game compared to us. Waiting in limbo.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As usual, I like to surf at my favourite website Pinterest to drool at the baby photoshoot pictures. I stumbled upon with this twin. 


I copy the caption of the picture directly from the page:
"Brought me to tears.....This picture is from an article called "The Rescuing Hug". The article details the first week of life of a set of twins. Each were in their respective incubators and one was not expected to live. A hospital nurse fought against the hospital rules and placed the babies in one incubator. When they were placed together, the healthier of the two threw an arm over her sister in an endearing embrace. The smaller baby's heart stabilized and temperature rose to normal. "


We always live in trepidation.

Sasha Bashir is announcing her pregnancy

The miserable have no other medicine. But only hope.
~William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

 

I love Sasha Bashir. She is in her own class in the industry. Her passion for dancing is unquestionable and undeniable.She is beautiful internally and externally yet very humble.

I just knew ths news from her blog. She is in 2nd trimester, to be exact 5-months pregnancy.



Looking back at her wedding date, she got married on Oct 18, 2009. And  I got married on Dec 2009. We got married in the same quarter of the year end..Congratulations to you Sasha..

I still waiting my turn..

Oh Allah!

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Jangan berputus asa dengan rahmat Allah

Tadi husband buka Astro Ramadhan dan rancangan dari Studio 1 bersama Yasin menjengah perhatian. For me, karya-karya Yasin is comparable with M. Nasir. He is a great composer with his own identity. The combination of the lyrics and Middle East melody sounds great provided his voice is given by Allah to bounce the song perefectly. I am so mesmerized by his performance and do nothing except being a couch potato.

In between of the songs, he quote one of the Quranic verse:
"Jangan berputus asa dengan rahmat Allah. Jika kamu berputus asa dengan rahmat Allah, kamu hilang segala-galanya."

Ia menyedarkan diriku yang lupa, alpa dan putus asa.

Thank you Allah for the small yet infinite reminder.

P/S: Tahniah buat Lady Mira. You deserve that girl.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Reffered. Again.

I went to the govt hospital as reffered by the clinic. I met a doctor, obviously not from Malaysia. He asked me to uncover my hijab to see the lump. He also asked me several questions regarding my neck lump. FYI, i carry this lump for one and half month. He read all my my report from two previous doctor, one from the clinic and one from private hospital. The doctor asked me to do a blood test. He also talking about medical insurance, asked me if i have medical insurance because the CT scan will cost hundreds. I, don't have any.

How much the cost of CT scan actually? It is only below 1k, i think i can afford it. But if it is over than 1k, i think i should buy medical insurance from now. 

The blood test, i believe, normally will be taken only from one arm and once only. But in my case they took two from my two arms, one for the experiment for the doctor trainee and one from the MA. I can't believed it happened, who said needle and human skin is a perfect combo?! Pfft..

I brought the blood test result to the doctor and the doctor said my blood test is normal. He reffered me to the main hospital in my town to see the specialist from Orthopedic and Surgery a month from now. He prescribed me no medication and no MC despite i having a fever and sore throat.

For godsake, it is just a lump. It is impossible they tell me what happened actually..?

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Reffered again

I never thought that my neck lump would be this serious. I thought the doctor just wanna make more money for asking me to do some tests so that they can charged me for being naive.

I went to the clinic this afternoon, and I was so..I don't know what the best word can describe my feeling but it just so many things are beyong expectation happened to me..I was numb and feel no more emotion after i heard the doctor reffered me again. This time she wrote the letter to the government hospital as I am the government servant. The doctor warned me that i will face the long queue and procedure but that's the only option because she didn't want to take risk for government servant like me.. At first she suspected me having thyroid but there is no solid component in my lump. She suspecting that it related with my salivary glands..

I hope it's nothing serious.

Oh Ya Allah, guide my steps, your're the only one can show me the way..- InsyaAllah by Maher Zain 

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Neck lump & Miss Annoying

In the midst of the super busy and the agony of infertile soul, i having this neck lump. It started about a month ago and i just ignored it. I thought it just about the bruise or side effect of trying the new make-up kit and skincare. Plus, one of the 'miss annoying' put her fingers into my compact powder, so jakun of looking at my compact powder. I called her Miss Annoying for being such an annoying lady of asking me about pregnancy, baby bump and what-nots. I thought her dirty finger did made this bacteria infection.

Back to the story, i went to the clinic and the doctor just gave me an antibiotics. I consumed the medicine but to no avail. The lump make my face weird and funny and sometimes scary. The doctor asked me if i have family with cyst. The word cyst made me worry. Then, i went to another clinic and the doctor referred me to the hospital to do the ultrasound.

The radiologist told me the lump consist a lot of water. He cannot trace the real problem of the lump and reffered me back to the previous doctor to do CT scan.

 

I plan to go to the clinic tomorrow. It is because this morning i and the mentioned above Miss Annoying visiting our colleague who just gave birth 12 days ago. She just came back from the clinic, with her mid-wife. She looked so pale because she have to going through her confinement alone with her husband. No assistance from her mother or mother-in-law. I don't feel annoyed visiting her as she is very decent lady, not snobby about her pregnancy, never asked me why i'm not pregnant, never showed to people that she is very special because she is pregnant, and that's why i don't mind accompany Miss Annoying to go to her house. The first thing Miss Annoying asked about the furniture in her house, and said pity to her because she gave birth thru caesarean. Bodoh betul la dia ni sebab tak pernah fikir perasaan orang.

Miss Annoying kissed the baby and asked me to do the same thing but i refused. And she dumbly said to me we will get pahala kiss the baby because the baby have zero sin. If it is true, I don't want to follow her advice. The Miss Annoying is just getting married and is so confident she will get pregnant after the first time intercourse, but in three months, still no sign. The first menstruation after marriage made her like 'meroyan' but she put the blame on me asking me why i don't want a baby, am i never want a baby, why i never plan about getting baby and suddenly she intend to further study in Master like me. Now, no sign, no intention to register to the postgrad centre or anything related about further study. I think that Miss Annoying get her karma, and i thank to Allah for that. Because currently she feel the same feeling we are facing right now.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

It is beyond our control

When people noticed and said something about my weight gain, I know they not meant well. It's not that i always thinked negative about people but the next question is always tagged along related with pregnancy, which annoyed me. I thought that people will give us the TTCian a tiny room to breath, a little space to live. But, as we know, they will never understand. They keep demanding to us to become like them. It's not that we don't want a child but the rezki is not arrived yet.

Everytime I called my mum, she keep updating me with a lot of pregnancy and status-upgrade news from my friends in my hometown. Some of her friend are making faces heard me being childless while their son/daughter had moved to the next stage.

If we are illiterate, we can learn
If we are stupid, we will study
If we are not pretty, we will beautify our skin and face with the latest technology
If we are poor, we will workd harder to become rich
If we are having any disease, we will try any cure
But
If we can't get pregnant, it is beyond our control..

Currently I agitating on Raya celebration. Raya celebration means the family will get together and updating each other. And, I don't know how to answer the 'annoying' questions from them, let alone their advice of baby making in the so-called 'pasti-jadi-anak' position. I don't want to hear "Tak ngandung lagi ye? Ada anak best tau!" from my sister/brother in-laws/uncles/aunties/unrelated relatives.. Can I replied "Best? Lecehlah!"?

I don't want to celebrate Raya in that way.

{sigh}.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Liar

I know I am a liar. In all the posts in this my crappy and dull blog, I always tell people that we are in family planning due to my status as a postgraduate student struggling with my thesis. But, Allah,I, my husband, my family and you know that we are not yet bestowed with the greatest miracle. Belum ada rezki.  7 months i'm really in family planning, and this month it is accurately 1 year we trying to get one. Regretful blanketed me. If I knew this making family is so hard and not our forte, I swear to God I will not consume any pills or learn how to plan naturally or studying Permata Yang Hilang on the topic of Menjarakkan Anak.

Yes, I am a liar. I become a liar because I pity to my husband, as people assuming he is not 'good' and 'power' enough to get a child. And I become a liar because I feel so ashamed of being childless. Childless to them is like a disease, a contagious disease where people treat me as an alien, that should be avoided. It hurts when people either from current relationship or at past texting me or my husband asking if we are already become three. It hurts when I bought some clothes for my nieces and nephews but the seller asked me 'untuk anak sendiri bila lagi..?'.. It hurts when they know we are still two they asked how long we have been married..It hurts when people asked me or my husband about my weight gain like I having cancer and at the death's door. I hate when people said 'kesian' to me..I think they are the one who deserved my sympathy because they are struggling with time for themselves and spending time togetther as husband and wife, they are struggling in the morning preparing for baby's food, pumping their milk shamelessly at the office, wake up in the middle of the night, let alone the coming unexpected baby but tell the world they are productive like sex machine! But they keep quiet and withdraw themselves hearing our vacation, our calmful lifestyle and our neverending honeymoon.

I am a liar.

My husband bought me my favourite magazine and together we drooled on some latest trends and fashions. At horoscope column (which I always skipped), my husband put his fingers on a sentence on that page. It is the horoscope for our star. The forecasting of our star (we are in same star) is sound like this:

"Bagi kamu yang sudah berpasangan, kamu dilihat lebih menghargai pasangan masing-masing. Rasa bahagia yang berbunga membuatkan kamu berasa lebih dekat dengan pasangan dan bersyukur dengan kehadirannya. Khabar baik bagi mereka yang sudah pun melayari bahtera rumahtangga, bintang kamu meramalkan kamu bakal memperoleh zuriat tahun ini" (this is the sentence which my husband closed with his fingers)

I was so curious and I opened his fingers. Well, my husband feared that I will expecting a lot from this forecasting although we know it is haram in Islam.

The infertility issue should not be the topic for entertainment. Or am I over react here?
If the forecasting is just for entertainment, I can go berserk.
Because..
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.
.
.
.
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.
.
.
.
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Aunt Flow knocking her door yesterday!

Liar!



Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Dealing with moron

I think I should stop chasing and playing around with others' babies. It is because their parents assumed me as 'the unclucky one' and longing desperately for babies up to the point I shamelessly playing with their babies with excitement. Well, who doesn't?

I chatting with one of the unclose colleague of mine. She come from Borneo and I , just want to being nice,  having conversation with her. It became longer and our topic jumped to spice and herbs. I just being nice asking the difference between Borneo confinement with our normal confinement. She deliberately asked me if i'm pregnant but immediately I replied 'No. I just wanna asked about the spice and herbs that can make me less tired. I always tired'. She explained to me that as long as i'm not having birth yet, the spice and herbs like makjun or manjakani should be avoided, otherwise, i will not having any baby. She asked me if i took any herbs and traditional medicines before get married and i said 'Yes'. The thing that left me dissapointed when she said to me 'Patutlah lambat beranak. Tengok akak ni, walaupun dah anak dua tapi perut kempis lagi. Petuanya jangan minum ais.'..I said,'ha'ah, sebab tu la saya lambat beranak'

She asked me another thing, 'do you took any 'pills'? I know what she meant by 'pills'. To push away the grudge I said Yes. She looked numb for a while and I continued, "I need to, sebab belum berani, saya belum habis lagi belajar saya.". The astonished look appear more and asking "Master ke?" I replied "Ha'ah".
And, all the brag stop there. To sugarcoat her stupidity, she said "emmm..benda ni semua kuasa Tuhan.."

The other day, the other colleague who just finished her confinement brought her daughter to the office and I kissed her daughter who have a pipi labuh and teasing with her. Calmly and sarcastically, the mother asked me "awak bila lagi...?"..Without hesitant, i replied, "Saya kena tunggu habis belajar.." Silent...The mother brought her baby to other place. Hm..

Yes, i should stop playing with others' babies. I thought the mother understand people like us well but they don't .


I'm not snobbing around with my education background, but those questions and advice are unwelcome. Actually, instead of saying about my education background as a reason of late pregnancy, i think i want to say to all of them,

"You are stupid moron!"

Same goes to other people who say this to us,

"Suka minum air gas, patutlah tak ngandung-ngandung"
"Makan jeruk? Tak nak anak ke?"
"Asyik berjalan je, macamana nak lekat.."
"Sedekah la sikit gaji tu, mana tahu Tuhan bagi anak lepas ni.."
"Ni asyik jalan ni honeymoon kali ke berapa?Takkan tak ada hasil kot"
"Err..nanti ada berita gembira beritahu ya, announce kat FB" (boleh blah!)

Tell them,
"You are stupid moron!"

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Chicken wings lead to cyst?


Just stumbled upon the Facebook status from my single friend. Is it true? Hm..the wings is the most delicious part of a chicken kan?

Saturday, 9 July 2011

This is so pretty damn cool!








I just found this web where we can pin our interest and see others interest. I found a lot of cute and cool pictures.{drool}. Berangan- i want to do the similar pose for my newborn photoshoot. Credit to the owner of this photo Chris Tee (link to the pinterest of Chris Tee, you also can see his other cute and sweet interest. Ah, I will die for this kind of photoshoot although it will cost arm and leg, come hell or high water i will never give up.

Ohoho bersatulah wahai sperm and ovum so mummy can hug you and kiss you and we will strolling at the lake at our residential area with your tutu skirt or cute mini vest, and not forget your little cute mini shoes. Please.Please. Again please...

To all TTC blogger friends, break a leg! InsyaAllah..