Thursday, 20 June 2019

Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my own personal thoughts.

Hello folks,

I've been meaning to write as promised since March 2019 and now we are celebrating Eid. Eid Mubarak to everyone!

I was fall asleep doing the reading for my thesis and I thought maybe I am bored with all the academics jargon so I log on to this blog to fulfill the promise to write the topic I told you before.

If you google infertility as an expiation of sin, you will found a lot of Islamic websites and religious websites that saying that yes, infertility is an expiation of sin. I used to put here the Islamic view on infertility based on the sermon by Syakh Ahmad Saad al-Azhari.

The issue of infertility is actually is not really covered in the most reliable sources of Islamic teaching, but it is accosiated with calamities and sadness. The sahih hadeeth saying about calamities and grief as in following, 

Narrated `Aisha:
(the wife of the Prophet) Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even though it were the prick he receives from a thorn."  (Sahih al-Bukhari 5640, Book 75, Hadith 1, Book of Patient). 

Narrated Abu Sa`id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira:
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that." (Sahih al-Bukhari 5641, 5642, Book 75, Hadith 2 - Book of Patient). 

(clink link

I also found an article on how the church could show more compassion for those struggling with infertility, which indirectly means that simply the infertility is still a taboo and the discomfort of discussing it openly is still exist.

After 10 years of living childfree, I came to conclusion that whenever the issue of infertility is brought up, one can't simply talk about it without sounding so condescending, downgrading, the sinner, the 'chosen one' who taking the road less traveled, and the one who simply not meant to be a parent. It is  better off if you not talking about it at all and just go with the flow of the conversation and make things normal without making a assumption, or prejudice over the childfree life. It is better if the issue is not talked in the conversation, maybe. Because in the end, you have the assumption that the life of the childfree couple is miserable. You also may already pass the phase of questioning your fertility and that's make the conversation even harder to make it normal unless you try to stop the conversation by saying 'one fine day you'll be, don't worry" and after that the conversation will be awkward. 

Infertility is somehow considered a failure, bounded by social culture and religious view. The study by Ali, et al., (2011) found that "beliefs in evil forces and supernatural powers as a cause of infertility are still prevalent especially amongst people with lower level of education" . (link to journal). Okafor (2017) also had studied the perception of infertility and IVF among married couples in Anambra, Nigeria and found that "infertility was perceived majorly as - destiny/supernatural powers (17.1%), threat to men's procreativity/continuity of lineage (14.3%), women's problem only (15.6%). Solutions to the challenges were adversely affected by perception. The use of IVF treatment was low with misconceptions like it's too costly (15.4%) and unnatural (7.6%), giving rise to unmet need for assisted reproductive technology." (link to journal)

Seems like the issue of infertility is associated with religion and supernatural powers. In the society, when people know you are childless, they will tell you to pray more and pray harder, giving alms more, and do istighfar (ask for repentance) from God more. The advise is good and meant well but it reflect that infertility is reflected by your lack of connection with God, far away from religion and you do some sins that still not approved by The Higher Power. 

I was struggling with the same guilt too. 

And recently I make peace with my self. 

I embrace the fact that I am childless for 10 and half years.

The inner peace however comes with new perspective and thoughts. That infertility is not a curse. It is prevalent in a lot of countries and hit anybody. Apparently there are no silent rules to avoid infertility.  The unmarried couple can discuss how much children they want and the newly wed pray they will not be infected by infertility. This situation make the newly weds and the married couples facing anxiety and depression with the trepidation on the future. Despite the awareness on the issue of infertility, it is still a taboo to be discussed openly, and the stigma is there. And I come across instafamous or social media influencer who bragged on their womb and their 'sharp-shooter' husband. That statement surely degrading the other couples who are inflicted by infertility but these people never in the shoes hence the insensitivity. 

In my opinion, the infertility is NOT an expiation of sin as taught by preachers. 

1) I have problem with the 'expiation of sin' and definition of sin in your belief. It is because it directly reflect that the one who inflicted by infertility have a lot of sins. Are you sure the infertile couple have a lot of sins compared to you? Are you currently now thinking that you are blessed with children which means you have less sins? And are you thinking that after years of infertility, now you are blessed with child means your sins are forgiven? 

If you say yes to all of the above, congratulation! You just prove to yourself  'holier than thou' is your middle name. And for me that is so low. When you start thinking you are better than others, check and reflect yourself if this is the teaching of your religion. Furthermore, there are a lot of child out of wedlock who are dumped everyday. So how about the sins of sexual intercourse of unwed couple and the girl got pregnant afterwards? Is she is pregnant because of her sins doing the sexual intercourse out of legal marriage is not counted, according to your perspective? 

2) The wives of the Prophets. The preacher may taught us that infertility is an expiation of sin. But we all know that wives of the Prophet bore no children with Prophet except Khadijah and Mariyah the Coptic girl. Historically, Prophet has married overall 19 wives but have 11 wives in one time. There is a hadeeth saheh saying Prophet 'power' equates 30 men. At that time in the 6th centuries there were very very limited technological advancement in fertility problem, we never know why the Prophet wives bore no children with him. If we asked the preacher, they say there are wisdoms behind it and we cannot argue this. If the preacher keep saying that infertility is an expiation of sin, does the Prophet wives have a lot of sins? Surely no, right?

3) The attributes of God - Most Loving and Most Merciful
I don't believe that infertility is the curse for me as of my sins. In the attributes of God, there are only 5 our 99 names that connote negative attributes but 94 names and attributes of God connotes the mercy and loving God. We pray in our whole life for five times a day and read Basmalah in the beginning of Quranic verses, yet we fail to comprehend the meaning of God Most Loving and Most Merciful. 

Narrated 'Umar bin Al-Khattab: Some Sabi (i.e. war prisoners, children and woman only) were brought before the Prophet and behold, a woman amongst them was milking her breasts to feed and whenever she found a child amongst the captives, she took it over her chest and nursed it (she had lost her child but later she found him) the Prophet said to us, "Do you think that this lady can throw her son in the fire?" We replied, "No, if she has the power not to throw it (in the fire)." The Prophet then said, "Allah is more merciful to His slaves than this lady to her son." [Bukhari]

Surely attributes of God is not similar as attributes of human. We human is creature of emotion and we are inclined to return the favor, be it positive or negative. But God is not having human attributes. If His slaves doing sin, do you think God will punish him/her severely or immediately like human do? If a lady is sinning, do you think God curse her with infertility? This surely not the attributes of God.  In my opinion, equates God with human is appalling. 

4) The human biology is complex. Our reproductive organs is complex. Scientist doing a lot of researches in this field and hence a lot of couples finally blessed with bounty of joys with the helps of technology advancement like IUI, IVF and many more. There are so many medicines out there to help with the infertility issues too.

The complexity of reproductive organs and the process of pregnancy and delivery makes people value the kids and that's why we can see the glowing face of the parents of welcoming the baby. The process is tedious where the women have to bear the morning sickness, the full term of pregnancy and so on, due to the complexity of human biology of creating a life. There is no guarantee that the married couple will get pregnant after the sexual intercourse and there is no guarantee that the couple have a child will not having infertility issue with second child, hence the term secondary infertility. 

5) Balance of life. I believe in energy, I believe in world balance, I believe in spirit, I believe in yin and yang and I believe in karma. If you read more on the subject, you will find that almost all religions have the similar perception of balance of life. There are married couples who yearn for child, there are married couples who decide to grow old together without child, there are unwanted pregnancies by those who not ready, there are also same-sex couple who decide to adopt. Human is different and unique and I respect all decisions. All of these decisions may change or may not change. And that happen for a reason. The unwanted pregnancies may offer the child to be adopted by married couple who have infertility issue.  If we respect each other decision and situation, we will make this world a better place. 

Wednesday, 27 March 2019

Breathing again

It's almost two years I've been in this new place. So my life is revolving around my works, my study, fitness, eating, friends, books, words, and academic thingy. As I said before, my life is not that great but much much much better than before. I was always whining and grieving about finding new jobs and money. I used to blog here that being jobless is far more painful than being childless. The more I try to swallow the fact, the more I realize I'm a career-minded and being at home being a domestic goddess and fertile lady is not my cup of tea.  I realize it's just me and not necessarily on other people. For example my mother she gave up her career to see me and my siblings growing up and cooking at home and she is like Bree Van de Kamp in Desperate Housewives. She said it is one of the biggest achievement in her life and she is so happy to be at home being a domestic goddess. One of her complain is money because she is financially dependent to my father. However, money is not an issue actually because my father always give money to her and she can spend up to her desire. One of my friend, who is Master holder, she choose to work as part-timer at one of the prestigious university and somehow she able to generate money doing some part time business and marketing. Furthermore, she is well off because her parents are loaded. I'm thinking that if I were her, will I seeking jobs or  will I do things like her? To be in my mom's shoes, I honestly think I can't. Of course my mother asked me why should I LDR with my husband just for work, but I have no answer for that and I just said I'm not like you. I read a blog about a housewife whose husband is wealthy enough to support her and she is childfree too. Although I admire her style and her shopping spree I just can't imagine my life like that. 

So when I came to this new place, I met some colleagues and one of them is around 40-year-old lady. She might have the same interest like me, that she love to go out working. She said she can't imagine life in the home. Even staying at home for confinement leave suffocating her. And she can't imagine her life when the pension age is coming. One of my friend who is a PhD holder has undergone 200 interviews in her life. I asked how can you track down your interview session? She said every interview she is quite mindful for the environment, the people, place, and tiny things so she kept a journal in her computer writing about every interview she went. She also can't simply staying at home so she told me she did some small business as side income to sustain life. Frankly I'm relieved knowing that my sense of self esteem is shared by other women too, because before this I thought I am just haughty or different from other woman. 

The work here is not so stressing because the system is not so rigid but since I also doing my PhD, I clearly juggling because I have to finish the study (hopefully) on time. This is because I cannot bear the cost any longer. I can not apply MyBrain because the terms and conditions stated clearly that my status cannot apply that. I try to find cheaper alternative to make it less costly. For example, submit the article to the free journals, not attending conference - because I read the graduation requirement it stated the conference is not mandatory (but last year I present quite a lot of papers in conference under sponsorship of my company - which make me exhausted). So this year I try to minimize the conference presentation. In addition, my supervisor is very helpful on guiding me- which I don't know if he is like that to other students or because I already have book chapter published. The journals submission is what I'm doing right now because this is the requirement from the university and regardless if you finish your thesis but no publication you cannot simply graduate. When I was doing my Master, the requirement is one journal but for PhD the requirement is two Scopus-indexed journal. On the topic of my study, my SV has recommend me to do easier methodology because clearly I have no funding. So I follow his advice and I found it is fruitful because it apparently getting attention nowadays.

Speaking of funding for PhD, I was promised to get a scholarship but with terms and condition that I do it at certain university, certain supervisor, certain topic-- which I loathe all the suggestions. I against the command and the suggestion and this make 'certain party' dislike me. However, getting into fights with old sport is wasting time so I tried diplomacy to minimize the negative impact. Although some people can no longer see this 'party' face, I still have good relationship with 'the party'. And here I am self-sponsored PhD student and doing it part-time. One day, I was talking to my SV and he suggested I applied for research grant. Apparently at that time, the grant application is due in two days and I was outstationed. I supposed cannot sleep and submit it as soon as possible but I just can't. I slept and the next morning I woke up earlier and submitted the application. I really hope the application is successful and ease my study journey. 

To say that I'm a good and bright student is overstatement. Some people compliments me saying that I'm doing good by publish my book chapter, going to library every weekend, got attention from supervisor (because to get attention  from supervisor is a privilege hehe) and all. The things is I was kinda left behind from my Gantt Chart, still have no solid framework and my whole research design is still not refined. Basically I'm left behind from the schedule and it sometimes scare me off. I cannot simply telling others my juggles and difficulties of doing PhD because it seems so unprofessional to me to grieve about it to colleague. But since people around me doing the same thing, I cannot escape from the discussion and I am very grateful the colleague is very understanding and not make judgment about that, since we are basically on the same boat. 

What about the future?

I sincerely don't know. 

I and my husband is LDR for almost two years, apart by 700 kilometers. I used to tell here what is good and what is bad in this LDR. If people asked me, "don't you miss your husband?". I replied with pretentious sheepish laugh because I don't really mindful about my feeling. I miss him, I miss his presence and all but I really love the loneliness. 

Have you ever heard a quote that "Don't be so used of loneliness because once you comfortable with it, the presence of others is hard for you" (more or less like this I can't remember). Honestly, the quote is very very very true. I am very grateful to have my own office, my own room (I rent a room here - expensive but small but love the amenities in the condo) , my own car, my own books, my own mind basically so I found it very very very calming and relaxing. I never said that my husband is annoying or I'm constrained by his presence but sitting alone in the house for a time (when I was not working before) has consumed my soul that it become part of me majorly. Loneliness has become my solitude. 

When talking about the future, I have things in my mind but the failed in execution. The things I do now is my career development and I am quite excellent in it. I received a lot of compliments, praises, recognition, sponsors, etc and heck I even gave a talk internationally for an intellectual discourse. I wanted to find other place to be near with my husband but the industry of academia nowadays is no longer like 10 years ago when I was graduated and I was on top of the world. It is challenging. The perks and benefits are things I have to consider when changing the place, plus without PhD, my movement is somehow limited. So my husband recommend me to finish my PhD first and after that we will start execute plans. I don't know if I want to follow my husband suggestion or I should take my own destiny, maybe I was just emotionally touched because the friends that I attached when I was coming here the first day -- all are moving forward for career development and betterment. And here I left alone, tssk. 

I used to tell my father about my plan to change workplace since I thought my portfolio is quite strong even though I still doing my PhD. My father never against my plan but ask me to think carefully about my future and don't repeat the same mistake he said . :-) . I understand what he mean because all my grieves before, because I made mistake of not carefully plan my future and career development. Since God give me second chance, so I will make sure to set my foot in reality and no longer depends on others or making decision purely driven by emotion. He asked me, "Are you happy there?" And I straightaway reply "Of course I am happy. All people can see it obviously from my face". "As long as you are happy I am happy too"..Ermmm this sounds like a movie scene but I swear this conversation happened in last two weeks at the kampung wedding ceremony where we annoyed by the untalented kugiran. 

It just me and my books and movies - both are the things I love and I always write about it in this blog. 

There are a lot of  things happened in between like
  • My father got sick
  • My youngest brother got married
  • Officially, I'm the only one in my husband family who are childless. His siblings are 7. 
  • I and my brother (got married 4 years ago) still childless
  • My spiritual journey - (I have this thing twice but will talk about it later)
  • This morning, my car got second major scratch because I was careless and I hit the pillar at parking lot
  • I finally hit the gym. 
  • Joining zumba almost a year and I am very very happy with the serotonin and dopamine released (betul ke this is right chemical released if we exercise and happy?)
  • I fail in healthy eating because the food price here is so damn expensive so I opt for calorie-infused food (how to kurus and beautiful like Keira Knightley liddat?)
  • Husband got promoted

I actually trying to archive the negative posts in this blog but have no time to do so. When I read it back it sounds so foolish and stupid because basically I give no information other than rant rant rant. I used to intend to shut down the blog but I love this blog since it goes through what I've been feeling around my life for past years. So instead of shutting it down, I change the 'voice', in line with my age and maturity. I still waiting for right time to spring cleaning the blog. 

I also noticed that some bloggers write a "drop-by" entry to the blog. We have Twitter and Insta and FB but we still miss the blog. We love the vibes of typing the words based on our opinion and arguments, emotion, the subject we love, the things we wanna share and so on. Twitter and Insta is too content oriented, IMHO.

I think I write a lot today so see you at next post (wah macam betul je nak kembali berblogging padahal kerja banyak)

Next time I wanna write about "Is infertility is an expiation of sin: My personal thoughts"

See you later!

Sunday, 26 August 2018

Race against time

I literally have 15 minutes to write here. There are too much to tell but too little time to actually focus and write from the heart and mind. 

Life has been busy. I started to get some fever and sore throat. There are times I feel down for stupid things, but I get up and chin up later on, because I know it is due to hormonal imbalance (menstruation!). Sometimes I tried to get them out from my head but I was too immerse to entertain the evil voice in my head. I blame the hormone. 

And after that it get better. 

As you know, I currently LDR with my husband. There are times I feel a bliss of doing things on my own, but most of the times I feel lonely and sad. We talked about this, and according to him the loneliness can sometimes drive him crazy. From my side, the loneliness make my heart want to explode and it burst into tears. 

True as one of the quote mentioned: A human can be survive and be content with three things: A person to love, a things to do and a thing to look forward to. If you got all three you are okay. But if you lack one of them, your natural instinct will keep searching for that. 

Due to that, both of us has become workaholics. We even go to office in our holidays. Most of the time we OTP and pour our our emotional distress and the stupid stories happening around us. 

Both of us can mobilize, with huge sacrifice. And the sacrifice not worth compared to what we have right now. My salary goes to tickets and travel and food (and of course clothing and accessories). I tried to search for another opportunity so I can be near with husband and stay in my own home but for now it is too risky. The industry I'm in right now used to be stable before but now no longer. Also I am very comfortable with the perks here. 

I think most of you aware I'm doing my PhD. The PhD thingy is consuming. I race against time. It's like too many things to do but too little time. I lost control over my Gantt Chart and this worry both of my supervisors. Both of them put pressure on me (which I love anyway) and make me alert on time constraint. They said that I should push my limit and GOT. GOT is Graduate on Time, which is the terms to explain that post-graduates are encouraged to graduate on time without extension (ceteris paribus). This is to avoid wasting time, energy, finance and many more. I race against time due to my work. My work actually not really demanding but the system in my organization is sorta archaic that makes me to do extra works for simple things. I hope they will improve the system which is very imminent I heard through the grapevine. After the previous government collapse, there are much changes and we are affected. Thus, there are some things need to be expedited. 

Pray for me. 

Monday, 16 July 2018

9th Raya and being childfree.

I changed again the blog theme. I love to play around with the blog theme and blogspot has offered quite a variety of beautiful template recently. I just not sure which template actually speaks of me. revert to the classic and old template as it look so dull and ugly and maybe shooing people away so they not read the humdrum things here. Hahaha..Look, I don't know who's on earth care about the blog template, we people are busy updating of Insta Stories yo. Hahahhaa..By the way, Hai everyone!

I know nobody answer as blog is no longer relevant. I just glad I able to write, despite the tight schedule and fatigue. My life is not that hectic but everyday I will be exhausted and have no time to read on journals. Sometimes I will even sleep with my makeup on and towel wrapped around the body. 

I think it is so long time I didn't write of being childfree isn't it?

This year is my 9th Raya as a wife, and I am still childfree. I use word childfree instead of infertile like before, because in my opinion, it does not contain any judgement or evaluation to the circumstances. I frankly never never never in my life thinking that I will live this kind of childfree life. But I never said that I am pro-motherhood and dream to be a mother since I was in Form 1, but to be childfree this long is something I never see it coming. So the ugly (or beautiful) truth always prevails that people plan but God is the best planner.

I also came across a friend of mine who is two years married ahead of me (that means 10 years of marriage), just got birth before Raya. She just updating it through two whatsapp status (no FB updates/IG updates) the photo of her baby and new 'handbag' she carry for open house. I don't want to ask her directly as I afraid it will become intrusive, although I know she is very soft and she will be glad if people ask. I will wait for her announcement instead.

And of course, people around me adding up more childrens and the older one go to school. Apparently, it does not bother me at all. Maybe because people will no longer ask me anymore or concern of giving unsolicited advice, for whatever reasons. Alhamdulillah for that. I deal with one makcik who actually a relatives of my husband. My husband have a lot of family members and extended families because you know people said Javanese love to breed haha! She actually just knew that we are childfree and my 9th year of marriage shocked her. She also can't comprehend why on earth we have no children and why we work too far. She don't understand and a little bit stunned when I replied to her sternly with poker face that maybe I will not have children. The house is quiet and awkward and only the noise from stupid show in television imbued the house. With that mentality, I cannot blame her and I didn't offended at all. It's just not her. It's the mentality of the people. 

In my new workplace, the people around me never asked or never joke or mock me about that. It just one time question and when I said I have none - it become no longer a thing anymore. There is someone is my division just got married last year and she and her husband currently in depress situation. So sometimes I become her confidante, and she said I want to be strong like you. So I replied, Eh no. You have to be strong everyday and every time -- you will give birth soon and you will not waiting for a long time like me. She and her husband had consultations at various clinics and hospitals and massage for pregnancy too. She just not feel comfortable to tell people all her effort. The doctors has said that she is the problematic one where she have a 'situation' which I cannot describe here. So she feel very disappointed with herself. With her situation, I didn't see any problem because from my reading with TTC blogs, her situation is not end of the world, she can pregnant naturally. But she is so depressed, and what make her sadder, the other girl who married at the same time with her from another division got pregnant straightaway and always rub to my friend's face (and to me) of her protruding belly. I no longer affected by that kind of gesture but for someone like her, it affect her much. With the stress effect, her productivity at work lesser and she took a lot of MCs. After that, she asked for second opinion and tadaa! She actually is free from the 'situation' and normal. She then bounce back and happy again and she seek solace by living life. For now it's just the waiting game. And I secretly hope she will be pregnant soon. 

I also sympathy for my brother and my SIL. They had undergone 1st IUI and failed. And currently undergoing 2nd one. After the failure, both of them coming to my parent's house and sadly my SIL said to my parents - I am sorry I fail to give you grandchildren - but my parents refuted her that she is not fail, she is putting effort and my parents also said they are not affected with the news at all. They said the life is moving on and they will meet the Creator - whether they have grandchildren or not. I listened this through my mum and I feel sad over her. Both of them laments and grieves when others around them having children. I feel sad and secretly I hope the 2nd IUI is successful to end the misery.

As for me, I don't know my own heart, feeling and emotion. I don't know if motherhood is a good thing for me or not, considered that my life is 180 degree different from before. I have more money if I want to do treatment, but I am all alone in this new town that make me contemplating if motherhood is better for me or not. Honestly with this kind of lifestyle, having a child is no longer an option. But my mum has insists that I should have one, at least adopting. My mum wanted me to have someone in my life that I can pour my emotion and love. And live life. The future is unknown and obscure and that makes me wonder what will happen to me and my mum keep repeating the meaning of life, for example for someone I can talk to or fight with..ahaha.

I think I am too comfortable with my loneliness and it has become my solitude. The effect from my depression from few years ago sometimes creeping in me and thus I shoo them away fast so that they not become my identity. The depression is so hard and painful that I not waking from my bed, not talking to husband, crying over and over in room and bathroom, don't want to see people and many more that I still not ready to share (I will one day but later!). I noticed that I seldomly got sick but few times when I am anxious of crowd and meeting new people, I will hit by fever. I actually don't know if that is the post-effect or not but I just assume. So far I no longer feel depressed like I describe before. Life is kind to me and I actually feel blessed of many beautiful things in my life. Hence I decided to change the 'sound' of this blog. Furthermore, blogging about the 'dalam kain' things will be bashed in the future, unlike several years ago when we blog and read other blog on our treatment or on what we feel with our body during sexual intercourse after treatment, without judgement, in fact we enjoy the mutual feelings and the new information we get. Additionally, bloglist of mine is no longer active and even if they are still active they not bother to read the rant of people like me. 

I wrote several poetry in my years dealing with depression. I thought of publishing it as I noticed pain has become the trend of poetry scene. However, some poetry that I wrote have a quite numbers of blank sentences, incomplete. There are some words that I want to describe but I don't find any exact words that I can associate it with. It is true that when people said depression means what happen is emptiness, not sadness. 

I can say that now I feel better and I am better person. People around me noticing it too and they are so happy about it. Alhamdulillah for everything.

There are a lot of things but later!

Tuesday, 17 April 2018

Of recent movies

I guess 2018 have the colorful and fantastic movies compared to 2017. I started my new year with the most raved film The Greatest Showman, a musical film about P.T Barnum (although there are many fictional characters in the film). It was raved in Twitter and people talked about it like a month? I guess it combine the best things people wanna see in a cinema and in a film, consisting of good dancing and choreography, a very ear-pleasing songs, good showmanship, a linear story-line and diverse themes on poverty, standards, class, love, commercialization, money, strange things, dream, ambition, and broken heart. 

I seriously cannot move on from this film so I downloaded all the songs. 

I also watched Jumanji. I not have high expectation on this film. To watch this, I have to be in chill and relax,because I don't want to compare it with the old Jumanji by Robin William. The story is straight forward but after I watched the film, I appreciate the acting by Jack Black. He is legend and a amazing actor but I don't know why I just confirm it via this film. Must be an insult heh? Haha..but he can be anything. 

Unfortunately, I didn't watch Black Panther.

I also watched Ready Player One. I watched the trailer online so I can't wait when it is out at the cinema and garnered attention. It's nothing new, the premise is simple, sort of like Avatar-feeling, but in the middle of the film, I kind of excited with the development of every character and the story-line. It combine the online world and reality but I guess in the future, the OASIS-kind of game is accessible to everyone. The similar thing happened now as we want to exit temporarily the reality, we go online for escapism.

Right after Ready Player One, I and husband watched A Quiet Place. This movie also reviewed as among the best and comparable with Don't Breathe. The movie is so quiet that one hall of cinema also being quiet. I and husband even didn't talk for several minutes after we exit from the hall, and we were like "Why we didn't talk? We are not in the Quiet Place.." hahaha

Tuesday, 10 April 2018

On Words and Books

I am swamped with work but I guess I need to do something else, lest I feel jaded and end up do nothing.

Something else is -- writing in the blog.

Although we have a lot of social medias, I sometimes wanna read more on words and sentences. Doing a karangan in Instagram is good, making a thread in Twitter is good, but I guess I enjoying the flows of words and ideas and thoughts unfiltered in blog. Some of popular bloggers stopped writing in blog with reason detre of makcik bawang. To think back, maybe yes. When we expose our 2 percent life in social media, we cannot escape from judgement, be it highlighted moments of breaking down moments -- all are being judged.  Some people stay grounded or being 'low profile' they said for not flaunting the selfie of post anything in the social medias, but they are the people who are very active in stalking other people and judging secretly. I know because I have a lot of friends like this.  They have like 4 or 5 posts but their names appear on views and all, not even likes, because they don't want to be known. Some other people they post quite half of their life online but they do online for the sake of updating, instead of stalking. Sometimes it is awkward when we post something and we don't want certain people to know, but less you know, our post has become the topic of conversation at dining table. 

But, but I still enjoying reading and writing. Maybe that's what I am good at or maybe that's the thing I think not consume any energy or mental drain. A book nerd or bookworm labels - I don't mind at all for the label, because it is what I love in life. And I love any films portraying books or words or literature in the film. 

I want to talk about something else, but I think I want to change my topic. Here I provide some list of films that I already watched which I thought have book/words/literature as setting. 

Being Flynn

I was initially underestimated this movie. It is about complicated relationship between son and father. The narration is quite good as I can watch it twice. Maybe it is inspired by true story that helps the story line well-crafted. The movie is although quite verbose but I enjoy listening and reading the English subtitle as it convey the simplest idea wordy and arty. 

Credit: link

The Words

This is one of the great film I watched on words. The movie is a about the struggling writer trying to get published, but all of his manuscripts were rejected. He found a bag with amazing novel manuscript and published it instead and become a best-seller. One day, he got a call from a man saying that he is the original writer of the novel. The movie is sandwich in the beginning and the ending which left me thinking it is the real story or it is the hallucination? Anyway, it still got good plot. 

Credit: link

Secret Window

Secret Window may not talking about art or literature but I still love the movie despite it received bad reviews. It is about the struggling writer (too!) writing a novel. The movie is actually a psycho-thriller. IMHO, although the movie have Johnny Depp, it still cannot garnered the good attention as the movie is predictable and forgettable.
Credit: link

The Book Thief

If you are book and word lovers, you cannot not watch this film. The story starts with male narrator and after several minutes, you will notice the 'I' in this film is The Death. This movie is about a girl who live in Hitler's era and she loves book and she steals book.  The vocabulary learning is embedded in this movie, as well as diary dispute too. A great movie. I watch this twice and surprisingly, I was crying twice. Maybe I becoming old and my heart become softer. 

Credit: link

Moulin Rouge

Moulin Rogue is a musical film. A love story between the penniless writer and poet with the most beautiful courtesan. This is one of the great movie you should watch, as it full of spices and everything nice. The movie is musical and somewhat a little bit slapstick, not verbose like Being Flynn but I love how the director Baz Luhrman put poetry and words into emphasis of the movie and the songs. It's all about art appreciation -- as their dogma -- Freedom, Beauty, Truth and Love. 

Source: link


This is one of the amazing film, on the love story, separated by war and false testimony. The false accusation has destroy the lives and future of many people. The movie, although not really emphasize on literature and books, it emphasize on the power of words and how the words are taken seriously. Mock play, word play, letter reading, wrong assumption for wrong choice of words, the best seller book as redemption for wrong accusation -- its all have in the film. An unspoken and bonded tragedy until the end of their lives. "Love you, marry you and live without shame"

Source: link

Bee Season

I have to confess that I not fully concentrate while watching this film, except the spelling scene . I will try to watch this again next time

Credit: link

The Great Gastby

I don't care about the reviews, I already read the book The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald and I watch this film several times. The movie is not having the books or words as the main theme, but the stylish luxurious lifestyle, the moral decadency and love story. However, the narrator, also the character in the film, Nick Carraway is portrayed as depressed one after the death of Jay Gastby. So his doctor, give him book and pen to write to treat his depression and anxiety. The film begin with this scene, and along the way, Nick uses beautiful words to describe the events and the people around him and his guilt of keeping secrets. 

Maybe the words in the movie is influenced by the book author, F.Scott Fitzgerald words in the novel itself. So maybe the director try to convey the idea of the thoughts into the film by the narration of Nick Carraway.

Credit: link

The Reader

This film is inspired by the same book title - The Reader.  The literature, book and words are quite ubiquitous in this film with the setting of Germany pre and post Holocaust. It's about the relationship between a 15-year-old boy and 36-year-old woman, in exchange for reading the books. However, the relationship is discontinued after the woman moved. And 8 years later the boy attended the trial as a student , to much surprise for him that one of the defendant is the woman he had relationship with. He also found that the woman is illiterate and she is willing to go to prison than to reveal her situation. 

Credit: link

I personally think Hollywood like to portray writer as struggling and love to put typewriter sound as background to emphasize the world of words. 

Sunday, 31 December 2017

Last day of 2017.

Only a few hours before 2018. 

Anyway Happy New Year.. May this year bring you joy and greatness to every aspects of your life.

I don't think I can write highlights or moments of 2017 like everybody else does, because my year of 2017 like splitting into two. 

The first half year I was in pathetic situation crying and lamenting. And most of you gave me good comments for me, good words to encourage me being patient (sabr) and all. I still remember I went to several interviews and competing with the youngsters. I was among the unemployment statistics. And I cannot lie people to that and sometimes it become a joke. The first half year I saw myself as no value.

The second half - I got a permanent job with good pay. Alhamdulillah.


To think back, I must be ungrateful bi*ch of only thinking my self value of not having job and children. I should be very grateful that I still have husband who is besides me, my family who is  always supporting me, still having good food on my table, still wearing good clothe in the closet, have so much time for any excursion, but  maybe my priority and self-esteem is different. Human cannot be satisfied. And I guess it is true. 

Considering my life now, I have become a different person. People around me have seeing me a different person and it shows obviously. Husband, family, friends and all. People said I looked better, glowing and radiance, have better self-esteem, good composure, more joyful and yeah every positive words I cannot describe anyway. In short, I am different toward betterment. 

The life journey is so meaningful.

Thinking again, all these years of life that I gone through has shape me into a better person. One vital thing I learn is ---

----- I no longer judge people easily and have compassion.

You know how I used to be a harsh woman and love to throw anger to people, but what life has throw me make me be careful in every actions to minimize the damage and heartbreak. 

And with that, I  try to see the best in people and make me more open to the possibilities. 

I used to ask to God to weed out negative people around me and I think Allah grant me that.

In my new place, no one is asking me if I want have a child and can you believe the issue of infertility -- no one make a fuss to me about it?

I really grateful to God that I not hurt by that question anymore. And maybe people just surprised I can go it through. Maybe because they saw me and my husband not bother about it and just to make our own life with our way. Maybe in my workplace the younger office mates don't dare to ask about it as some of them trying to conceive too after a year..They basically young newly weds so they afraid if the 'issue' hit them back like karma. Maybe they just see me as 'serious' person I don't know. I still adapting. I hope the positive thing I write here will be permanent InShaaAllah.

I think when I getting older, the instinct become more powerful. As I getting older I can read people easily like Black Widow of Avengers (haha!) but seriously this has save some disappointment to me.
I maybe successfully avoid some drama (ah, what a life without drama!) with this new talent (ok so perasan!) but I guess it just the experiences of life that taught me. I also have no expectation toward people and this save me from heartbreak and wrong decision. I also find myself have make good decision and not just following the trends or people around me just to be 'in' or to follow suit to be accepted. 

I also find that getting older my opinion to things has change. I was thinking Kajol is not pretty enough to be heroin but now I think she is really beautiful and I think no man can resist him that day when she was young. I also find myself into urban jungle and shop some greeneries and plants as decor to my office and my room. I also have a high compassion toward people and high empathy which sometimes make me cry, as I imagining if I be in their shoes. I cried few times on the case of Tahfiz Ittifaqiyah and I cried when knowing Elyana condition. 

The new life I have - have thought me who is real and who is fake. Who is family and who is strangers (because I can read people kan..?) And it surprised me a lot. 

And that make me even more depend to God and not taking people who loves me for granted, especially husband. 

The thing is my dear fellow friends, we take things that we have for granted because we though we own them. All of them are on loan from God. 

We are richer by the most population in the world but we forget because we submit to materials, position and social acceptance as yardstick to our own being. 

I think I will write more later. There are a lot of hanging sentences and ideas in this post. Too much in my head but I write too few. 


Saturday, 14 October 2017

Blog is no longer elevant but I want to write anyway

Hello everyone!

I know that blog is no longer relevant, and maybe no readers at all. But anyways, I feel safer with close radar and small circle like this. I also noticed after very minimal bloghopping recently that it seems I am the only one that still childless. The circles that I and TTC community have in yesteryears -- maybe no longer relevant too as most (maybe all) of them has transformed and progressed their life in motherhood journey. It's like the TTC topics and all whining and treatment updating is no longer revelant. Furthermore, we have Instagram which I think is faster and easier, and not consuming much of our time in our hectic life.

And yes, you heard me right. That I am still childless. And this year is my 8th year as a wife.

Surprisingly, the topic of child is no longer a big issue. I guess people already jemu and bosan to ask me if I have one or not. Maybe the waiting game is over and people maybe thinks, 'ah, let's just hope for miracle then'.

It is no longer a main issue too, because I am progressing in other areas of life.

I used to whine here on the issue of TTC and some effort, which is not a rigorous one. I also grieve on my career which I also failed miserably to get some permanent job and stability issue is a concern. It happen that (for me) being jobless and unstability is stressing me out tougher than being childless. I used to write about this too.  Maybe I am the one who cannot sit at home and trying new recipe or being a lady of leisure. I am kind of woman who can't happy just being a stay at home wife while others are ranting on how they want to be rich to become a housewife. I on the other hand, rich or poor -- I love to be the outside. Being stay-at-home wife is something I look forward.

One of the reason I stay out of the radar of TTC circle (if only the circle I thought still exist!), I already get a permanent job..Nobody can imagine how surprise I am and how grateful I am. It's like a miracle for me, in the midst of unemployment issue among graduates, I landed a decent job suitable with my qualification. Alhamdulillah.  Sometimes when I alone, I almost cry on how my life turned 180 degrees in a year. I have been in working forces for several months thus explained why I'm not active here. But, but I been meaning to write. I love to write. Writing also part of my job.

With the blessing like this, I also have to sacrifice one thing -- far away from my family and my husband. Meaning, we are currently LDR. However, quite contrary with people thoughts, I don't make it a reason to be sad and I don't make a fuss about it. Both of us are okay with us (for now, in the future I really don't know..) and we see each other in weekends.

Did I told you that I been rejected by few scholarships to do PhD, before?

I think God do wonders when unexpectedly that the new institution I work with require me to do PhD. I was zealous to further my study before but with some constraints, the dream no longer excites me. Along with the requirement, I found myself getting lazier because the momentum and excitement is no longer there but I cannot escape the reality and the fact in the world I  live in.

There are a lot of things happen that I want to write here and share with you, but my work is quite demanding that keeps me away from writing here.

I also considering of closing and deleting this blog, which I thought not giving any wonders or contributions in any ways. The first few years are my rants and whines and angry to the society for not understand my condition. After that, I was grieving about my situation and I thought life is not being kind to me..I also talked about bad things on how ipar duai and other family members too for not understanding me..which I feel bad and gulity too..

Furthermore, seeing the circles of mine have gone with their progress as mothers and all, has made me left out, alone. I have to accept the fact and redha and there's no way I can make the fact different.

If you ask me if I still wanna be a mother, my answer is IDK. I don't know because it seems from my action -- I have no motherhood instinct.. It's like I not put a good effort to get a child and I don't make it as what I write here. Like, I feel content and satisfy that I have no child. It is abnormal for a woman to feel that but that's what I think. I thought maybe I just feel content with my life and maybe I regret later, but what I write here is challenging my honesty. I don't know with this lifestyle I can a good mother as I have a lot of constraints compared to before. I hope for the best and maybe have a child not always the best for me. I maybe already accept that a long time ago and that's why TTC is not my main priority for recent few years back.

Still, I contemplate if I should delete this blog or not..

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Not our timing, but His.

From IG : @ilovebukhari

Let's not delay in the timing of a gift (response to your prayers) - despite the persistence and firm continuance in making du'a -- be a cause of despair. For Allah has promised you a response, "Call upon Me and I will respond to you " (40:60) in the time of Allah and not you. For He knows what is better for you than you do. He has guaranteed you a response in the time He chooses, not in the time of your choice. 

An author writes, "Sometimes He gives while depriving you, and sometimes He deprives while giving to you". Sometimes, Allah's withholding from you is, in reality, a form of giving". 

Prophet Musa AS made a du'a to Allah against Firaun and his followers (10:88) which got answered 40 years later. Not straight away. Why? Because Allah has perfect timing and only Allah knows best when that is. 

Maybe Allah is delaying a response to your response because Allah loves to hear your voice whilst calling out to him. Maybe Allah is delaying a response because Allah wants you to reach a certain status in Jannah which you can't achieve just by your deeds so Allah is testing you in different ways so you may become successful.

Patience and avoiding hastiness befits the servant. Do not lose hope in your duas as they're weapon of a believer. The Messenger of Allah has said, "The du'a of any one of you will be answered so long as he is not impatient and says, "I made du'a but it was not answered."

Allah has perfect time, never early never late. It takes a little patience and faith, but it's worth the wait."

Monday, 24 October 2016


It's been months!

I have been unemployed back, due to the contract end. Now I am struggling to find new jobs. Been in several job interviews and PhD scholarship interviews, got shortlisted by some, but yet rizq and luck still not on my side. I was quite despair at first, ashamed, hopeless and dissapointed with myself but I then regain some consciousness that it is my life and timeline. I decided that I don't want to give up and will put more effort. And please don't suggest of online business to me, or questioning  my relationship with God, because I heard them a lot that I don't think I wanna hear it again here. But I appreciate if you can make a pray (du'a) for me, and thank you for that. May God repay your kindness.

I aware that almost all of the TTC blogger that in my community and circles, the blogroll and TTCians I knew -- all are currently enjoying the new phase in life, and more than half are getting second child. Congratulation and Alhamdulillah! I on the other hand, is still only two of us. I and husband are still married couple hahahaha! Of course it is laughable because I thought we can't get through all of these. I thought being childless is one of our problem, but I can assure here that none of the arguments or our fights contributed by being childless factor. We are the kind of always-fight-but-will-make-up-later-then-fight-again-but-still-not-separated couple. Haha! I think we lack of communication and we always have problem in expressing views and opinion, because of our different background. I am still not pregnant and never taste the pregnancy. It almost 7 years and I myself quite surprised on how I go through all these years. I write in this blog since my marriage in 1 and a half year and now it approaching 7. Can you imagine? No, please don't imagine because not all things are bed of roses, it is quite painful at first but as the years goes by, I am no longer deeply affected by it. I also ashamed to read my old posts because most of them are my resentments and my immature whining. How shameful hahaha!

Last year, I kept going to hospital because of other illness. One day, someone (staff in the hospital) approaching my husband and asked about our background. He was surprised we don't have children and he told us about the fertility scheme at that hospital for couple married more than 3 years (or 5 years I can't remember) that enable the couple to go through of IUI thrice and IVF if the IUI fail. The scheme is free but I cannot provide any details here because we still have a limit knowledge about that and need to go through the exact information and the terms involved. I myself love to hear that so as my husband, but I was working very far from the hospital and at that time we were in long-distance couple so we postponed the plan. 

We have moved to new home that husband bought two years before. Alhamdulillah.  And we are still decorating the home. The neighbors are mostly youngsters with 1 or 2 kids and mostly are professionals and educated. So you can imagine how the Whatsapp group sounds like. 

My SIL has been through the rigorous treatments like yours on trying to conceive. I wished her well. I myself not really brave to undergo HSG. There was one doctor that I see suggesting to me of one treatment to see the tube block, but not HSG..I really forgot what was the term and according to him, it cost less than rm200 in private hospital. 

For now, I practiced healthy eating - less sugar and small portion. It happened that after I bragged in here that I getting thinner, I go back to my old eating habit because I feel so comfortable in that size and thought that maybe a little sugary drinks don't do harm. I gaining weight back. 

So as I wrote above, I and husband moved to new home in fasting month, so it takes a toll on me. I was busy unpacking, arranging and decorating the furniture and all the belongings that make me really fatigue and exhausted..I got hemorrhoid then. It was painful I can't do my praying or walk or even getting dressed. So I stay at home lying on the bed for two weeks. And that's how I lose some weights. So after that, my mother advised me to start on healthy eating and don't gain weight anymore. I don't look at the scale, but everyone I met complimented me that I am gaining ideal figure that appropriate with my height. I don't do much exercise, but controlling food intake. I still take fast food but not frequent anymore. I ordered plain water/mineral water wherever I go. I also stock up the plain water because I was influenced by the plain water movement in Twitter via twt_kecantikan. The curator have a beautiful skin and thin, and she don't consume supplements. She said it was because of plain water. She also teached the followers on how to make plain water as our lifestyle and I think it is really easy. So yeah I am now depend highly on plain water and my testimonial ---since I practice plain water consumption (since 4 months ago), I rarely get sick like fever, cough, or mouth ulcer, or headache, or stomachache. Alhamdulillah. I also read that plain water reduced weight and able to burn our cholesterol. The visits to the loo is frequent but it's all worth to me. 

I think that's enough for now. Will update later.

Infertility as expiation of sin: My personal thought

Reminder: Read at your own risk. As the title implies, this is my personal thoughts. It may sounds a little bit blasphemous but it is my ...