Sunday, 26 August 2018

Race against time

I literally have 15 minutes to write here. There are too much to tell but too little time to actually focus and write from the heart and mind. 

Life has been busy. I started to get some fever and sore throat. There are times I feel down for stupid things, but I get up and chin up later on, because I know it is due to hormonal imbalance (menstruation!). Sometimes I tried to get them out from my head but I was too immerse to entertain the evil voice in my head. I blame the hormone. 

And after that it get better. 

As you know, I currently LDR with my husband. There are times I feel a bliss of doing things on my own, but most of the times I feel lonely and sad. We talked about this, and according to him the loneliness can sometimes drive him crazy. From my side, the loneliness make my heart want to explode and it burst into tears. 

True as one of the quote mentioned: A human can be survive and be content with three things: A person to love, a things to do and a thing to look forward to. If you got all three you are okay. But if you lack one of them, your natural instinct will keep searching for that. 

Due to that, both of us has become workaholics. We even go to office in our holidays. Most of the time we OTP and pour our our emotional distress and the stupid stories happening around us. 

Both of us can mobilize, with huge sacrifice. And the sacrifice not worth compared to what we have right now. My salary goes to tickets and travel and food (and of course clothing and accessories). I tried to search for another opportunity so I can be near with husband and stay in my own home but for now it is too risky. The industry I'm in right now used to be stable before but now no longer. Also I am very comfortable with the perks here. 

I think most of you aware I'm doing my PhD. The PhD thingy is consuming. I race against time. It's like too many things to do but too little time. I lost control over my Gantt Chart and this worry both of my supervisors. Both of them put pressure on me (which I love anyway) and make me alert on time constraint. They said that I should push my limit and GOT. GOT is Graduate on Time, which is the terms to explain that post-graduates are encouraged to graduate on time without extension (ceteris paribus). This is to avoid wasting time, energy, finance and many more. I race against time due to my work. My work actually not really demanding but the system in my organization is sorta archaic that makes me to do extra works for simple things. I hope they will improve the system which is very imminent I heard through the grapevine. After the previous government collapse, there are much changes and we are affected. Thus, there are some things need to be expedited. 

Pray for me. 

Monday, 16 July 2018

9th Raya and being childfree.

I changed again the blog theme. I love to play around with the blog theme and blogspot has offered quite a variety of beautiful template recently. I just not sure which template actually speaks of me. revert to the classic and old template as it look so dull and ugly and maybe shooing people away so they not read the humdrum things here. Hahaha..Look, I don't know who's on earth care about the blog template, we people are busy updating of Insta Stories yo. Hahahhaa..By the way, Hai everyone!

I know nobody answer as blog is no longer relevant. I just glad I able to write, despite the tight schedule and fatigue. My life is not that hectic but everyday I will be exhausted and have no time to read on journals. Sometimes I will even sleep with my makeup on and towel wrapped around the body. 

I think it is so long time I didn't write of being childfree isn't it?

This year is my 9th Raya as a wife, and I am still childfree. I use word childfree instead of infertile like before, because in my opinion, it does not contain any judgement or evaluation to the circumstances. I frankly never never never in my life thinking that I will live this kind of childfree life. But I never said that I am pro-motherhood and dream to be a mother since I was in Form 1, but to be childfree this long is something I never see it coming. So the ugly (or beautiful) truth always prevails that people plan but God is the best planner.

I also came across a friend of mine who is two years married ahead of me (that means 10 years of marriage), just got birth before Raya. She just updating it through two whatsapp status (no FB updates/IG updates) the photo of her baby and new 'handbag' she carry for open house. I don't want to ask her directly as I afraid it will become intrusive, although I know she is very soft and she will be glad if people ask. I will wait for her announcement instead.

And of course, people around me adding up more childrens and the older one go to school. Apparently, it does not bother me at all. Maybe because people will no longer ask me anymore or concern of giving unsolicited advice, for whatever reasons. Alhamdulillah for that. I deal with one makcik who actually a relatives of my husband. My husband have a lot of family members and extended families because you know people said Javanese love to breed haha! She actually just knew that we are childfree and my 9th year of marriage shocked her. She also can't comprehend why on earth we have no children and why we work too far. She don't understand and a little bit stunned when I replied to her sternly with poker face that maybe I will not have children. The house is quiet and awkward and only the noise from stupid show in television imbued the house. With that mentality, I cannot blame her and I didn't offended at all. It's just not her. It's the mentality of the people. 

In my new workplace, the people around me never asked or never joke or mock me about that. It just one time question and when I said I have none - it become no longer a thing anymore. There is someone is my division just got married last year and she and her husband currently in depress situation. So sometimes I become her confidante, and she said I want to be strong like you. So I replied, Eh no. You have to be strong everyday and every time -- you will give birth soon and you will not waiting for a long time like me. She and her husband had consultations at various clinics and hospitals and massage for pregnancy too. She just not feel comfortable to tell people all her effort. The doctors has said that she is the problematic one where she have a 'situation' which I cannot describe here. So she feel very disappointed with herself. With her situation, I didn't see any problem because from my reading with TTC blogs, her situation is not end of the world, she can pregnant naturally. But she is so depressed, and what make her sadder, the other girl who married at the same time with her from another division got pregnant straightaway and always rub to my friend's face (and to me) of her protruding belly. I no longer affected by that kind of gesture but for someone like her, it affect her much. With the stress effect, her productivity at work lesser and she took a lot of MCs. After that, she asked for second opinion and tadaa! She actually is free from the 'situation' and normal. She then bounce back and happy again and she seek solace by living life. For now it's just the waiting game. And I secretly hope she will be pregnant soon. 

I also sympathy for my brother and my SIL. They had undergone 1st IUI and failed. And currently undergoing 2nd one. After the failure, both of them coming to my parent's house and sadly my SIL said to my parents - I am sorry I fail to give you grandchildren - but my parents refuted her that she is not fail, she is putting effort and my parents also said they are not affected with the news at all. They said the life is moving on and they will meet the Creator - whether they have grandchildren or not. I listened this through my mum and I feel sad over her. Both of them laments and grieves when others around them having children. I feel sad and secretly I hope the 2nd IUI is successful to end the misery.

As for me, I don't know my own heart, feeling and emotion. I don't know if motherhood is a good thing for me or not, considered that my life is 180 degree different from before. I have more money if I want to do treatment, but I am all alone in this new town that make me contemplating if motherhood is better for me or not. Honestly with this kind of lifestyle, having a child is no longer an option. But my mum has insists that I should have one, at least adopting. My mum wanted me to have someone in my life that I can pour my emotion and love. And live life. The future is unknown and obscure and that makes me wonder what will happen to me and my mum keep repeating the meaning of life, for example for someone I can talk to or fight with..ahaha.

I think I am too comfortable with my loneliness and it has become my solitude. The effect from my depression from few years ago sometimes creeping in me and thus I shoo them away fast so that they not become my identity. The depression is so hard and painful that I not waking from my bed, not talking to husband, crying over and over in room and bathroom, don't want to see people and many more that I still not ready to share (I will one day but later!). I noticed that I seldomly got sick but few times when I am anxious of crowd and meeting new people, I will hit by fever. I actually don't know if that is the post-effect or not but I just assume. So far I no longer feel depressed like I describe before. Life is kind to me and I actually feel blessed of many beautiful things in my life. Hence I decided to change the 'sound' of this blog. Furthermore, blogging about the 'dalam kain' things will be bashed in the future, unlike several years ago when we blog and read other blog on our treatment or on what we feel with our body during sexual intercourse after treatment, without judgement, in fact we enjoy the mutual feelings and the new information we get. Additionally, bloglist of mine is no longer active and even if they are still active they not bother to read the rant of people like me. 

I wrote several poetry in my years dealing with depression. I thought of publishing it as I noticed pain has become the trend of poetry scene. However, some poetry that I wrote have a quite numbers of blank sentences, incomplete. There are some words that I want to describe but I don't find any exact words that I can associate it with. It is true that when people said depression means what happen is emptiness, not sadness. 

I can say that now I feel better and I am better person. People around me noticing it too and they are so happy about it. Alhamdulillah for everything.

There are a lot of things but later!

Tuesday, 17 April 2018

Of recent movies

I guess 2018 have the colorful and fantastic movies compared to 2017. I started my new year with the most raved film The Greatest Showman, a musical film about P.T Barnum (although there are many fictional characters in the film). It was raved in Twitter and people talked about it like a month? I guess it combine the best things people wanna see in a cinema and in a film, consisting of good dancing and choreography, a very ear-pleasing songs, good showmanship, a linear story-line and diverse themes on poverty, standards, class, love, commercialization, money, strange things, dream, ambition, and broken heart. 

I seriously cannot move on from this film so I downloaded all the songs. 

I also watched Jumanji. I not have high expectation on this film. To watch this, I have to be in chill and relax,because I don't want to compare it with the old Jumanji by Robin William. The story is straight forward but after I watched the film, I appreciate the acting by Jack Black. He is legend and a amazing actor but I don't know why I just confirm it via this film. Must be an insult heh? Haha..but he can be anything. 

Unfortunately, I didn't watch Black Panther.

I also watched Ready Player One. I watched the trailer online so I can't wait when it is out at the cinema and garnered attention. It's nothing new, the premise is simple, sort of like Avatar-feeling, but in the middle of the film, I kind of excited with the development of every character and the story-line. It combine the online world and reality but I guess in the future, the OASIS-kind of game is accessible to everyone. The similar thing happened now as we want to exit temporarily the reality, we go online for escapism.

Right after Ready Player One, I and husband watched A Quiet Place. This movie also reviewed as among the best and comparable with Don't Breathe. The movie is so quiet that one hall of cinema also being quiet. I and husband even didn't talk for several minutes after we exit from the hall, and we were like "Why we didn't talk? We are not in the Quiet Place.." hahaha

Tuesday, 10 April 2018

On Words and Books

I am swamped with work but I guess I need to do something else, lest I feel jaded and end up do nothing.

Something else is -- writing in the blog.

Although we have a lot of social medias, I sometimes wanna read more on words and sentences. Doing a karangan in Instagram is good, making a thread in Twitter is good, but I guess I enjoying the flows of words and ideas and thoughts unfiltered in blog. Some of popular bloggers stopped writing in blog with reason detre of makcik bawang. To think back, maybe yes. When we expose our 2 percent life in social media, we cannot escape from judgement, be it highlighted moments of breaking down moments -- all are being judged.  Some people stay grounded or being 'low profile' they said for not flaunting the selfie of post anything in the social medias, but they are the people who are very active in stalking other people and judging secretly. I know because I have a lot of friends like this.  They have like 4 or 5 posts but their names appear on views and all, not even likes, because they don't want to be known. Some other people they post quite half of their life online but they do online for the sake of updating, instead of stalking. Sometimes it is awkward when we post something and we don't want certain people to know, but less you know, our post has become the topic of conversation at dining table. 

But, but I still enjoying reading and writing. Maybe that's what I am good at or maybe that's the thing I think not consume any energy or mental drain. A book nerd or bookworm labels - I don't mind at all for the label, because it is what I love in life. And I love any films portraying books or words or literature in the film. 

I want to talk about something else, but I think I want to change my topic. Here I provide some list of films that I already watched which I thought have book/words/literature as setting. 

Being Flynn

I was initially underestimated this movie. It is about complicated relationship between son and father. The narration is quite good as I can watch it twice. Maybe it is inspired by true story that helps the story line well-crafted. The movie is although quite verbose but I enjoy listening and reading the English subtitle as it convey the simplest idea wordy and arty. 

Credit: link

The Words

This is one of the great film I watched on words. The movie is a about the struggling writer trying to get published, but all of his manuscripts were rejected. He found a bag with amazing novel manuscript and published it instead and become a best-seller. One day, he got a call from a man saying that he is the original writer of the novel. The movie is sandwich in the beginning and the ending which left me thinking it is the real story or it is the hallucination? Anyway, it still got good plot. 

Credit: link

Secret Window

Secret Window may not talking about art or literature but I still love the movie despite it received bad reviews. It is about the struggling writer (too!) writing a novel. The movie is actually a psycho-thriller. IMHO, although the movie have Johnny Depp, it still cannot garnered the good attention as the movie is predictable and forgettable.
Credit: link

The Book Thief

If you are book and word lovers, you cannot not watch this film. The story starts with male narrator and after several minutes, you will notice the 'I' in this film is The Death. This movie is about a girl who live in Hitler's era and she loves book and she steals book.  The vocabulary learning is embedded in this movie, as well as diary dispute too. A great movie. I watch this twice and surprisingly, I was crying twice. Maybe I becoming old and my heart become softer. 

Credit: link

Moulin Rouge

Moulin Rogue is a musical film. A love story between the penniless writer and poet with the most beautiful courtesan. This is one of the great movie you should watch, as it full of spices and everything nice. The movie is musical and somewhat a little bit slapstick, not verbose like Being Flynn but I love how the director Baz Luhrman put poetry and words into emphasis of the movie and the songs. It's all about art appreciation -- as their dogma -- Freedom, Beauty, Truth and Love. 

Source: link


This is one of the amazing film, on the love story, separated by war and false testimony. The false accusation has destroy the lives and future of many people. The movie, although not really emphasize on literature and books, it emphasize on the power of words and how the words are taken seriously. Mock play, word play, letter reading, wrong assumption for wrong choice of words, the best seller book as redemption for wrong accusation -- its all have in the film. An unspoken and bonded tragedy until the end of their lives. "Love you, marry you and live without shame"

Source: link

Bee Season

I have to confess that I not fully concentrate while watching this film, except the spelling scene . I will try to watch this again next time

Credit: link

The Great Gastby

I don't care about the reviews, I already read the book The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald and I watch this film several times. The movie is not having the books or words as the main theme, but the stylish luxurious lifestyle, the moral decadency and love story. However, the narrator, also the character in the film, Nick Carraway is portrayed as depressed one after the death of Jay Gastby. So his doctor, give him book and pen to write to treat his depression and anxiety. The film begin with this scene, and along the way, Nick uses beautiful words to describe the events and the people around him and his guilt of keeping secrets. 

Maybe the words in the movie is influenced by the book author, F.Scott Fitzgerald words in the novel itself. So maybe the director try to convey the idea of the thoughts into the film by the narration of Nick Carraway.

Credit: link

The Reader

This film is inspired by the same book title - The Reader.  The literature, book and words are quite ubiquitous in this film with the setting of Germany pre and post Holocaust. It's about the relationship between a 15-year-old boy and 36-year-old woman, in exchange for reading the books. However, the relationship is discontinued after the woman moved. And 8 years later the boy attended the trial as a student , to much surprise for him that one of the defendant is the woman he had relationship with. He also found that the woman is illiterate and she is willing to go to prison than to reveal her situation. 

Credit: link

I personally think Hollywood like to portray writer as struggling and love to put typewriter sound as background to emphasize the world of words. 

Sunday, 31 December 2017

Last day of 2017.

Only a few hours before 2018. 

Anyway Happy New Year.. May this year bring you joy and greatness to every aspects of your life.

I don't think I can write highlights or moments of 2017 like everybody else does, because my year of 2017 like splitting into two. 

The first half year I was in pathetic situation crying and lamenting. And most of you gave me good comments for me, good words to encourage me being patient (sabr) and all. I still remember I went to several interviews and competing with the youngsters. I was among the unemployment statistics. And I cannot lie people to that and sometimes it become a joke. The first half year I saw myself as no value.

The second half - I got a permanent job with good pay. Alhamdulillah.


To think back, I must be ungrateful bi*ch of only thinking my self value of not having job and children. I should be very grateful that I still have husband who is besides me, my family who is  always supporting me, still having good food on my table, still wearing good clothe in the closet, have so much time for any excursion, but  maybe my priority and self-esteem is different. Human cannot be satisfied. And I guess it is true. 

Considering my life now, I have become a different person. People around me have seeing me a different person and it shows obviously. Husband, family, friends and all. People said I looked better, glowing and radiance, have better self-esteem, good composure, more joyful and yeah every positive words I cannot describe anyway. In short, I am different toward betterment. 

The life journey is so meaningful.

Thinking again, all these years of life that I gone through has shape me into a better person. One vital thing I learn is ---

----- I no longer judge people easily and have compassion.

You know how I used to be a harsh woman and love to throw anger to people, but what life has throw me make me be careful in every actions to minimize the damage and heartbreak. 

And with that, I  try to see the best in people and make me more open to the possibilities. 

I used to ask to God to weed out negative people around me and I think Allah grant me that.

In my new place, no one is asking me if I want have a child and can you believe the issue of infertility -- no one make a fuss to me about it?

I really grateful to God that I not hurt by that question anymore. And maybe people just surprised I can go it through. Maybe because they saw me and my husband not bother about it and just to make our own life with our way. Maybe in my workplace the younger office mates don't dare to ask about it as some of them trying to conceive too after a year..They basically young newly weds so they afraid if the 'issue' hit them back like karma. Maybe they just see me as 'serious' person I don't know. I still adapting. I hope the positive thing I write here will be permanent InShaaAllah.

I think when I getting older, the instinct become more powerful. As I getting older I can read people easily like Black Widow of Avengers (haha!) but seriously this has save some disappointment to me.
I maybe successfully avoid some drama (ah, what a life without drama!) with this new talent (ok so perasan!) but I guess it just the experiences of life that taught me. I also have no expectation toward people and this save me from heartbreak and wrong decision. I also find myself have make good decision and not just following the trends or people around me just to be 'in' or to follow suit to be accepted. 

I also find that getting older my opinion to things has change. I was thinking Kajol is not pretty enough to be heroin but now I think she is really beautiful and I think no man can resist him that day when she was young. I also find myself into urban jungle and shop some greeneries and plants as decor to my office and my room. I also have a high compassion toward people and high empathy which sometimes make me cry, as I imagining if I be in their shoes. I cried few times on the case of Tahfiz Ittifaqiyah and I cried when knowing Elyana condition. 

The new life I have - have thought me who is real and who is fake. Who is family and who is strangers (because I can read people kan..?) And it surprised me a lot. 

And that make me even more depend to God and not taking people who loves me for granted, especially husband. 

The thing is my dear fellow friends, we take things that we have for granted because we though we own them. All of them are on loan from God. 

We are richer by the most population in the world but we forget because we submit to materials, position and social acceptance as yardstick to our own being. 

I think I will write more later. There are a lot of hanging sentences and ideas in this post. Too much in my head but I write too few. 


Saturday, 14 October 2017

Blog is no longer elevant but I want to write anyway

Hello everyone!

I know that blog is no longer relevant, and maybe no readers at all. But anyways, I feel safer with close radar and small circle like this. I also noticed after very minimal bloghopping recently that it seems I am the only one that still childless. The circles that I and TTC community have in yesteryears -- maybe no longer relevant too as most (maybe all) of them has transformed and progressed their life in motherhood journey. It's like the TTC topics and all whining and treatment updating is no longer revelant. Furthermore, we have Instagram which I think is faster and easier, and not consuming much of our time in our hectic life.

And yes, you heard me right. That I am still childless. And this year is my 8th year as a wife.

Surprisingly, the topic of child is no longer a big issue. I guess people already jemu and bosan to ask me if I have one or not. Maybe the waiting game is over and people maybe thinks, 'ah, let's just hope for miracle then'.

It is no longer a main issue too, because I am progressing in other areas of life.

I used to whine here on the issue of TTC and some effort, which is not a rigorous one. I also grieve on my career which I also failed miserably to get some permanent job and stability issue is a concern. It happen that (for me) being jobless and unstability is stressing me out tougher than being childless. I used to write about this too.  Maybe I am the one who cannot sit at home and trying new recipe or being a lady of leisure. I am kind of woman who can't happy just being a stay at home wife while others are ranting on how they want to be rich to become a housewife. I on the other hand, rich or poor -- I love to be the outside. Being stay-at-home wife is something I look forward.

One of the reason I stay out of the radar of TTC circle (if only the circle I thought still exist!), I already get a permanent job..Nobody can imagine how surprise I am and how grateful I am. It's like a miracle for me, in the midst of unemployment issue among graduates, I landed a decent job suitable with my qualification. Alhamdulillah.  Sometimes when I alone, I almost cry on how my life turned 180 degrees in a year. I have been in working forces for several months thus explained why I'm not active here. But, but I been meaning to write. I love to write. Writing also part of my job.

With the blessing like this, I also have to sacrifice one thing -- far away from my family and my husband. Meaning, we are currently LDR. However, quite contrary with people thoughts, I don't make it a reason to be sad and I don't make a fuss about it. Both of us are okay with us (for now, in the future I really don't know..) and we see each other in weekends.

Did I told you that I been rejected by few scholarships to do PhD, before?

I think God do wonders when unexpectedly that the new institution I work with require me to do PhD. I was zealous to further my study before but with some constraints, the dream no longer excites me. Along with the requirement, I found myself getting lazier because the momentum and excitement is no longer there but I cannot escape the reality and the fact in the world I  live in.

There are a lot of things happen that I want to write here and share with you, but my work is quite demanding that keeps me away from writing here.

I also considering of closing and deleting this blog, which I thought not giving any wonders or contributions in any ways. The first few years are my rants and whines and angry to the society for not understand my condition. After that, I was grieving about my situation and I thought life is not being kind to me..I also talked about bad things on how ipar duai and other family members too for not understanding me..which I feel bad and gulity too..

Furthermore, seeing the circles of mine have gone with their progress as mothers and all, has made me left out, alone. I have to accept the fact and redha and there's no way I can make the fact different.

If you ask me if I still wanna be a mother, my answer is IDK. I don't know because it seems from my action -- I have no motherhood instinct.. It's like I not put a good effort to get a child and I don't make it as what I write here. Like, I feel content and satisfy that I have no child. It is abnormal for a woman to feel that but that's what I think. I thought maybe I just feel content with my life and maybe I regret later, but what I write here is challenging my honesty. I don't know with this lifestyle I can a good mother as I have a lot of constraints compared to before. I hope for the best and maybe have a child not always the best for me. I maybe already accept that a long time ago and that's why TTC is not my main priority for recent few years back.

Still, I contemplate if I should delete this blog or not..

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Not our timing, but His.

From IG : @ilovebukhari

Let's not delay in the timing of a gift (response to your prayers) - despite the persistence and firm continuance in making du'a -- be a cause of despair. For Allah has promised you a response, "Call upon Me and I will respond to you " (40:60) in the time of Allah and not you. For He knows what is better for you than you do. He has guaranteed you a response in the time He chooses, not in the time of your choice. 

An author writes, "Sometimes He gives while depriving you, and sometimes He deprives while giving to you". Sometimes, Allah's withholding from you is, in reality, a form of giving". 

Prophet Musa AS made a du'a to Allah against Firaun and his followers (10:88) which got answered 40 years later. Not straight away. Why? Because Allah has perfect timing and only Allah knows best when that is. 

Maybe Allah is delaying a response to your response because Allah loves to hear your voice whilst calling out to him. Maybe Allah is delaying a response because Allah wants you to reach a certain status in Jannah which you can't achieve just by your deeds so Allah is testing you in different ways so you may become successful.

Patience and avoiding hastiness befits the servant. Do not lose hope in your duas as they're weapon of a believer. The Messenger of Allah has said, "The du'a of any one of you will be answered so long as he is not impatient and says, "I made du'a but it was not answered."

Allah has perfect time, never early never late. It takes a little patience and faith, but it's worth the wait."

Monday, 24 October 2016


It's been months!

I have been unemployed back, due to the contract end. Now I am struggling to find new jobs. Been in several job interviews and PhD scholarship interviews, got shortlisted by some, but yet rizq and luck still not on my side. I was quite despair at first, ashamed, hopeless and dissapointed with myself but I then regain some consciousness that it is my life and timeline. I decided that I don't want to give up and will put more effort. And please don't suggest of online business to me, or questioning  my relationship with God, because I heard them a lot that I don't think I wanna hear it again here. But I appreciate if you can make a pray (du'a) for me, and thank you for that. May God repay your kindness.

I aware that almost all of the TTC blogger that in my community and circles, the blogroll and TTCians I knew -- all are currently enjoying the new phase in life, and more than half are getting second child. Congratulation and Alhamdulillah! I on the other hand, is still only two of us. I and husband are still married couple hahahaha! Of course it is laughable because I thought we can't get through all of these. I thought being childless is one of our problem, but I can assure here that none of the arguments or our fights contributed by being childless factor. We are the kind of always-fight-but-will-make-up-later-then-fight-again-but-still-not-separated couple. Haha! I think we lack of communication and we always have problem in expressing views and opinion, because of our different background. I am still not pregnant and never taste the pregnancy. It almost 7 years and I myself quite surprised on how I go through all these years. I write in this blog since my marriage in 1 and a half year and now it approaching 7. Can you imagine? No, please don't imagine because not all things are bed of roses, it is quite painful at first but as the years goes by, I am no longer deeply affected by it. I also ashamed to read my old posts because most of them are my resentments and my immature whining. How shameful hahaha!

Last year, I kept going to hospital because of other illness. One day, someone (staff in the hospital) approaching my husband and asked about our background. He was surprised we don't have children and he told us about the fertility scheme at that hospital for couple married more than 3 years (or 5 years I can't remember) that enable the couple to go through of IUI thrice and IVF if the IUI fail. The scheme is free but I cannot provide any details here because we still have a limit knowledge about that and need to go through the exact information and the terms involved. I myself love to hear that so as my husband, but I was working very far from the hospital and at that time we were in long-distance couple so we postponed the plan. 

We have moved to new home that husband bought two years before. Alhamdulillah.  And we are still decorating the home. The neighbors are mostly youngsters with 1 or 2 kids and mostly are professionals and educated. So you can imagine how the Whatsapp group sounds like. 

My SIL has been through the rigorous treatments like yours on trying to conceive. I wished her well. I myself not really brave to undergo HSG. There was one doctor that I see suggesting to me of one treatment to see the tube block, but not HSG..I really forgot what was the term and according to him, it cost less than rm200 in private hospital. 

For now, I practiced healthy eating - less sugar and small portion. It happened that after I bragged in here that I getting thinner, I go back to my old eating habit because I feel so comfortable in that size and thought that maybe a little sugary drinks don't do harm. I gaining weight back. 

So as I wrote above, I and husband moved to new home in fasting month, so it takes a toll on me. I was busy unpacking, arranging and decorating the furniture and all the belongings that make me really fatigue and exhausted..I got hemorrhoid then. It was painful I can't do my praying or walk or even getting dressed. So I stay at home lying on the bed for two weeks. And that's how I lose some weights. So after that, my mother advised me to start on healthy eating and don't gain weight anymore. I don't look at the scale, but everyone I met complimented me that I am gaining ideal figure that appropriate with my height. I don't do much exercise, but controlling food intake. I still take fast food but not frequent anymore. I ordered plain water/mineral water wherever I go. I also stock up the plain water because I was influenced by the plain water movement in Twitter via twt_kecantikan. The curator have a beautiful skin and thin, and she don't consume supplements. She said it was because of plain water. She also teached the followers on how to make plain water as our lifestyle and I think it is really easy. So yeah I am now depend highly on plain water and my testimonial ---since I practice plain water consumption (since 4 months ago), I rarely get sick like fever, cough, or mouth ulcer, or headache, or stomachache. Alhamdulillah. I also read that plain water reduced weight and able to burn our cholesterol. The visits to the loo is frequent but it's all worth to me. 

I think that's enough for now. Will update later.

Monday, 30 May 2016

The IVF success of septuagenarian couple in India

Last two or three weeks, seantero dunia talked on the successful IVF attempt by a couple in India. Wait, successful IVF attempt is normal news, but this event is quite remarkable sebab ia dilakukan oleh pasangan yang berumur 70 tahun ke atas. Dalijinder Kaur , 72 dan pasangannya Arman Singh, 79.

Mereka telah berjaya melahirkan anak lelaki yang dikira agak kecil, namun sihat..The couple had been together for 46 years, and they were always ridiculed by people, sebab persepsi ke atas childless couple is the curse from God.  (boleh baca sini juga - link)


Namun begitu, pakar2 merasakan perkara ini adalah tak wajar dari sudut peubatan. Ini termasuklah dari sudut kesihatan pasangan pada umur begitu. Kebanyakkan pakar tak berapa setuju sebab ia melibatkan kesan emosi carrying the child for 9 months pada umur lanjut, dan bagaimana mereka nak menjaga bayi tersebut. Selalunya pakar akan menolak permintaan pasangan untuk melakukan IVF jika pasangan dah melebihi umur 60.  (bacaan lanjut boleh baca di link ini - link)

Kalau ikut report, pasangan ini sangat gembira, dan Dalijinder mengatakan dia penuh bertenaga semasa melahirkan bayi mereka, dan suaminya sangat membantu dalam pengurusan penjagaan bayi mereka. Tak silap I, mereka telah mencuba rawatan yang sama sebanyak dua kali tetapi gagal.

Dalam pada itu, media-media telah melabelkan doktor yang melakukan rawatan ke atas mereka sebagai 'tidak beretika'., kerana membenarkan IVF pada umur lanjut sebegitu. King of fertility, Dr Anurag Bishnoi telah dikatakan tidak beretika dan memberikan persepsi tidak baik kepada rawatan kesuburan. Namun, Dr Bishnoi mempertahankan keputusannya, dan mengatakan umur bukan penentu atau penghalang kepada seseorang untuk menjadi seorang ibu. Dia berkata dia telah ada klien yang berumur 60an dan banyak klien berumur 40 tahun ke atas yang telah berjaya menjadi ibu. 

Dr Bishnoi mengusahakan kliniknya bersama isterinya yang juga pakar O&G. Mereka kata pada mulanya, mereka tak mahu merawat pasangan ini, tapi akhirnya mengalah setelah melihatkan keazaman Dalijinder. Dan mereka menguji tahap kesihatan pasangan tersebut, dan hasilnya didapati Dalijinder mempunayi tahap kesihatan yang baik untuk melahirkan anak..

Bacaan lanjut boleh baca di sini, tentang kontrovesi pasal Dr ni (link)

Monday, 16 May 2016

Fast food and infertility

Last week, ada sedikit polemik di Twitterjaya. Not a polemik pun, more to misunderstanding je sebenarnya. Tak ada apa pun sangat lah. Ni gara-gara seorang akaun Sahabat Ustaz Don telah share kan twitpic screencapture dari Instagram seorang Dr juga. 

It ignite the provocation when the Twitter account Ustaz Don/anyone behind this account tulis 'Fast food menganggu kesuburan. RT untuk kesedaran". The screen capture tu pula ala-ala macam menghentam our circles kononnya suka sangat makan fast food, and konon-konon makan prophetic food but only once a week, dan the fast food boleh menyebabkan anak cacat and so on.

I don't get offended pun because it is a knowledge yang kita semua pun dah tahu, the fast food is unhealthy. I think you all pun tak la rasa offended sangat kan..Cuma pada mothers who have different-abilities kids tu maybe offended, like they get that child because they consumed a lot of fast food. 

In Twitter, dah ada a group of medical doctors in every field and area yang actively updating the Twitter to give awareness about medical stuff, just #MedTweetmy tak silap, and banyak sangat ilmu yang boleh didapati, lebih2 lagi #perangmelawanmitos. Like banyak gila benda selama ni yang dimomokkan kepada kita turun termurun that actually takde kaitan pun. 

Ok balik semula pada asal. So this Dr betulkan bahawasanya fast food DIRECTLY causing infertility is not true. And the Dr punya Instagram account pun dah padam the statement and mohon maaf. Beliau pun mengaku it's actually salah faham. 

The thing is, there is no medical research yang kata fast food is DIRECTLY causing infertility, but banyak research yang kata in causing indirectly. Like fast food menyebabkan obesity, and obesity menyebabkan infertility problem. Like the following dari PubMed. Boleh tengok this (link). I just baca abstract. 

Boleh juga baca this (link), and this (link). Memang kalau kita type fast food + infertility, melambak the result keluar, siap quote this Dr and this Dr. Cuma what they mean the correlation is indirect. But still fast food is unhealty for people, tak kisahlah trying to get pregnant or not. Bukan orang nak anak je kena jauhkan fast food, segenap lapisan masyarakat pun kena ada kesedaran tentang pengambilan nutrisi yang bagus. 

Cuma itu lah, salah faham selalu terjadi. To give awareness to people is good, but beware of the condescending tone dalam ayat. I pernah terbaca ada sorang tu tulis hasil perbualan dia dengan pakcik mana-mana entah tepi jalan, konon pakcik tu kondem cara pemakanan orang masa kini, tapi tu lah ayatnya tak berapa sedap like 'entah mana datang budak-budak cacat ni, zaman pakcik dulu tak de pun, sekarang ni dah merata pula'. 

Of course la people cannot accept that kind of condescending tone, sebab dia guna perkataan 'budak cacat merata', 'entah mana datang', and kondem orang zaman sekarang. You see, I am very sure ibu-ibu with different-abilities kid ni dah puas baca dah puas dengar perkataan2 macam tu, but can you imagine what they feel? It's like indirectly orang kutuk dia yang procreate the budak and orang kutuk cara pemakanan dia yang sampai dapat budak macam tu..Sedihnya.. So cruel..I think that different-abilities kid ni wujud di mana-mana tak kira zaman dulu sekarang, cuma sekarang ni the parents are educated and they are more open minded to embrace the differences in their kids, so they talked about it, rather macam some people yang sorok2 the condition of the kids. So do us the society kita pun embrace the differences, and they are anak syurga some more. Our ladang pahala. 

Ok back to the initial story (I know I always diverted to another topi). I admit that I was a fast food lover. It happened masa I was following husband to Borneo and I cannot eat their food. Tak lalu tekak. So for 7 months, I only eat fast food. Pagi McD Big Breakfast, Lunch McD or KFC or Pizza Hut, Tea I beli kek secret recipe, dinner pu n fast food apa-apa yang kenyang la, every single day. I gained 15kg in a year!. Teruk kan... So when I'm trying to conceive, I start reducing the intake and there are also campaigns on Palestine-related, with my initiative to reduce weight - rupanya tak la susah sangat. Actually I rasa fast food sedap and addictive. Bila makan sekali nak lagi sekali dan lagi. So it is up to us to cntrol the intake. So far memang jarang makan fast food. I guess all of us pun macam tu kan? Kita makan fast food pun sekali sekala la bukanlah pagi petang siang malam tu. I used to feel the life is unfair, that orang yang makan fast food banyak2 pun banyak je anak, orang yang dok tahan makan fast food like tak beranak2 fast food tu lah penyebabnya. Alah I think banyak je orang akan kondem our food intake due to our childfree status tapi lantaklah kita lebih tahu what we put in our body kan.

Race against time

I literally have 15 minutes to write here. There are too much to tell but too little time to actually focus and write from the heart and m...