Sunday, 31 December 2017

Last day of 2017.

Only a few hours before 2018. 

Anyway Happy New Year.. May this year bring you joy and greatness to every aspects of your life.

I don't think I can write highlights or moments of 2017 like everybody else does, because my year of 2017 like splitting into two. 

The first half year I was in pathetic situation crying and lamenting. And most of you gave me good comments for me, good words to encourage me being patient (sabr) and all. I still remember I went to several interviews and competing with the youngsters. I was among the unemployment statistics. And I cannot lie people to that and sometimes it become a joke. The first half year I saw myself as no value.

The second half - I got a permanent job with good pay. Alhamdulillah.


To think back, I must be ungrateful bi*ch of only thinking my self value of not having job and children. I should be very grateful that I still have husband who is besides me, my family who is  always supporting me, still having good food on my table, still wearing good clothe in the closet, have so much time for any excursion, but  maybe my priority and self-esteem is different. Human cannot be satisfied. And I guess it is true. 

Considering my life now, I have become a different person. People around me have seeing me a different person and it shows obviously. Husband, family, friends and all. People said I looked better, glowing and radiance, have better self-esteem, good composure, more joyful and yeah every positive words I cannot describe anyway. In short, I am different toward betterment. 

The life journey is so meaningful.

Thinking again, all these years of life that I gone through has shape me into a better person. One vital thing I learn is ---

----- I no longer judge people easily and have compassion.

You know how I used to be a harsh woman and love to throw anger to people, but what life has throw me make me be careful in every actions to minimize the damage and heartbreak. 

And with that, I  try to see the best in people and make me more open to the possibilities. 

I used to ask to God to weed out negative people around me and I think Allah grant me that.

In my new place, no one is asking me if I want have a child and can you believe the issue of infertility -- no one make a fuss to me about it?

I really grateful to God that I not hurt by that question anymore. And maybe people just surprised I can go it through. Maybe because they saw me and my husband not bother about it and just to make our own life with our way. Maybe in my workplace the younger office mates don't dare to ask about it as some of them trying to conceive too after a year..They basically young newly weds so they afraid if the 'issue' hit them back like karma. Maybe they just see me as 'serious' person I don't know. I still adapting. I hope the positive thing I write here will be permanent InShaaAllah.

I think when I getting older, the instinct become more powerful. As I getting older I can read people easily like Black Widow of Avengers (haha!) but seriously this has save some disappointment to me.
I maybe successfully avoid some drama (ah, what a life without drama!) with this new talent (ok so perasan!) but I guess it just the experiences of life that taught me. I also have no expectation toward people and this save me from heartbreak and wrong decision. I also find myself have make good decision and not just following the trends or people around me just to be 'in' or to follow suit to be accepted. 

I also find that getting older my opinion to things has change. I was thinking Kajol is not pretty enough to be heroin but now I think she is really beautiful and I think no man can resist him that day when she was young. I also find myself into urban jungle and shop some greeneries and plants as decor to my office and my room. I also have a high compassion toward people and high empathy which sometimes make me cry, as I imagining if I be in their shoes. I cried few times on the case of Tahfiz Ittifaqiyah and I cried when knowing Elyana condition. 

The new life I have - have thought me who is real and who is fake. Who is family and who is strangers (because I can read people kan..?) And it surprised me a lot. 

And that make me even more depend to God and not taking people who loves me for granted, especially husband. 

The thing is my dear fellow friends, we take things that we have for granted because we though we own them. All of them are on loan from God. 

We are richer by the most population in the world but we forget because we submit to materials, position and social acceptance as yardstick to our own being. 

I think I will write more later. There are a lot of hanging sentences and ideas in this post. Too much in my head but I write too few. 


Saturday, 14 October 2017

Blog is no longer elevant but I want to write anyway

Hello everyone!

I know that blog is no longer relevant, and maybe no readers at all. But anyways, I feel safer with close radar and small circle like this. I also noticed after very minimal bloghopping recently that it seems I am the only one that still childless. The circles that I and TTC community have in yesteryears -- maybe no longer relevant too as most (maybe all) of them has transformed and progressed their life in motherhood journey. It's like the TTC topics and all whining and treatment updating is no longer revelant. Furthermore, we have Instagram which I think is faster and easier, and not consuming much of our time in our hectic life.

And yes, you heard me right. That I am still childless. And this year is my 8th year as a wife.

Surprisingly, the topic of child is no longer a big issue. I guess people already jemu and bosan to ask me if I have one or not. Maybe the waiting game is over and people maybe thinks, 'ah, let's just hope for miracle then'.

It is no longer a main issue too, because I am progressing in other areas of life.

I used to whine here on the issue of TTC and some effort, which is not a rigorous one. I also grieve on my career which I also failed miserably to get some permanent job and stability issue is a concern. It happen that (for me) being jobless and unstability is stressing me out tougher than being childless. I used to write about this too.  Maybe I am the one who cannot sit at home and trying new recipe or being a lady of leisure. I am kind of woman who can't happy just being a stay at home wife while others are ranting on how they want to be rich to become a housewife. I on the other hand, rich or poor -- I love to be the outside. Being stay-at-home wife is something I look forward.

One of the reason I stay out of the radar of TTC circle (if only the circle I thought still exist!), I already get a permanent job..Nobody can imagine how surprise I am and how grateful I am. It's like a miracle for me, in the midst of unemployment issue among graduates, I landed a decent job suitable with my qualification. Alhamdulillah.  Sometimes when I alone, I almost cry on how my life turned 180 degrees in a year. I have been in working forces for several months thus explained why I'm not active here. But, but I been meaning to write. I love to write. Writing also part of my job.

With the blessing like this, I also have to sacrifice one thing -- far away from my family and my husband. Meaning, we are currently LDR. However, quite contrary with people thoughts, I don't make it a reason to be sad and I don't make a fuss about it. Both of us are okay with us (for now, in the future I really don't know..) and we see each other in weekends.

Did I told you that I been rejected by few scholarships to do PhD, before?

I think God do wonders when unexpectedly that the new institution I work with require me to do PhD. I was zealous to further my study before but with some constraints, the dream no longer excites me. Along with the requirement, I found myself getting lazier because the momentum and excitement is no longer there but I cannot escape the reality and the fact in the world I  live in.

There are a lot of things happen that I want to write here and share with you, but my work is quite demanding that keeps me away from writing here.

I also considering of closing and deleting this blog, which I thought not giving any wonders or contributions in any ways. The first few years are my rants and whines and angry to the society for not understand my condition. After that, I was grieving about my situation and I thought life is not being kind to me..I also talked about bad things on how ipar duai and other family members too for not understanding me..which I feel bad and gulity too..

Furthermore, seeing the circles of mine have gone with their progress as mothers and all, has made me left out, alone. I have to accept the fact and redha and there's no way I can make the fact different.

If you ask me if I still wanna be a mother, my answer is IDK. I don't know because it seems from my action -- I have no motherhood instinct.. It's like I not put a good effort to get a child and I don't make it as what I write here. Like, I feel content and satisfy that I have no child. It is abnormal for a woman to feel that but that's what I think. I thought maybe I just feel content with my life and maybe I regret later, but what I write here is challenging my honesty. I don't know with this lifestyle I can a good mother as I have a lot of constraints compared to before. I hope for the best and maybe have a child not always the best for me. I maybe already accept that a long time ago and that's why TTC is not my main priority for recent few years back.

Still, I contemplate if I should delete this blog or not..

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Not our timing, but His.

From IG : @ilovebukhari

Let's not delay in the timing of a gift (response to your prayers) - despite the persistence and firm continuance in making du'a -- be a cause of despair. For Allah has promised you a response, "Call upon Me and I will respond to you " (40:60) in the time of Allah and not you. For He knows what is better for you than you do. He has guaranteed you a response in the time He chooses, not in the time of your choice. 

An author writes, "Sometimes He gives while depriving you, and sometimes He deprives while giving to you". Sometimes, Allah's withholding from you is, in reality, a form of giving". 

Prophet Musa AS made a du'a to Allah against Firaun and his followers (10:88) which got answered 40 years later. Not straight away. Why? Because Allah has perfect timing and only Allah knows best when that is. 

Maybe Allah is delaying a response to your response because Allah loves to hear your voice whilst calling out to him. Maybe Allah is delaying a response because Allah wants you to reach a certain status in Jannah which you can't achieve just by your deeds so Allah is testing you in different ways so you may become successful.

Patience and avoiding hastiness befits the servant. Do not lose hope in your duas as they're weapon of a believer. The Messenger of Allah has said, "The du'a of any one of you will be answered so long as he is not impatient and says, "I made du'a but it was not answered."

Allah has perfect time, never early never late. It takes a little patience and faith, but it's worth the wait."

Monday, 24 October 2016


It's been months!

I have been unemployed back, due to the contract end. Now I am struggling to find new jobs. Been in several job interviews and PhD scholarship interviews, got shortlisted by some, but yet rizq and luck still not on my side. I was quite despair at first, ashamed, hopeless and dissapointed with myself but I then regain some consciousness that it is my life and timeline. I decided that I don't want to give up and will put more effort. And please don't suggest of online business to me, or questioning  my relationship with God, because I heard them a lot that I don't think I wanna hear it again here. But I appreciate if you can make a pray (du'a) for me, and thank you for that. May God repay your kindness.

I aware that almost all of the TTC blogger that in my community and circles, the blogroll and TTCians I knew -- all are currently enjoying the new phase in life, and more than half are getting second child. Congratulation and Alhamdulillah! I on the other hand, is still only two of us. I and husband are still married couple hahahaha! Of course it is laughable because I thought we can't get through all of these. I thought being childless is one of our problem, but I can assure here that none of the arguments or our fights contributed by being childless factor. We are the kind of always-fight-but-will-make-up-later-then-fight-again-but-still-not-separated couple. Haha! I think we lack of communication and we always have problem in expressing views and opinion, because of our different background. I am still not pregnant and never taste the pregnancy. It almost 7 years and I myself quite surprised on how I go through all these years. I write in this blog since my marriage in 1 and a half year and now it approaching 7. Can you imagine? No, please don't imagine because not all things are bed of roses, it is quite painful at first but as the years goes by, I am no longer deeply affected by it. I also ashamed to read my old posts because most of them are my resentments and my immature whining. How shameful hahaha!

Last year, I kept going to hospital because of other illness. One day, someone (staff in the hospital) approaching my husband and asked about our background. He was surprised we don't have children and he told us about the fertility scheme at that hospital for couple married more than 3 years (or 5 years I can't remember) that enable the couple to go through of IUI thrice and IVF if the IUI fail. The scheme is free but I cannot provide any details here because we still have a limit knowledge about that and need to go through the exact information and the terms involved. I myself love to hear that so as my husband, but I was working very far from the hospital and at that time we were in long-distance couple so we postponed the plan. 

We have moved to new home that husband bought two years before. Alhamdulillah.  And we are still decorating the home. The neighbors are mostly youngsters with 1 or 2 kids and mostly are professionals and educated. So you can imagine how the Whatsapp group sounds like. 

My SIL has been through the rigorous treatments like yours on trying to conceive. I wished her well. I myself not really brave to undergo HSG. There was one doctor that I see suggesting to me of one treatment to see the tube block, but not HSG..I really forgot what was the term and according to him, it cost less than rm200 in private hospital. 

For now, I practiced healthy eating - less sugar and small portion. It happened that after I bragged in here that I getting thinner, I go back to my old eating habit because I feel so comfortable in that size and thought that maybe a little sugary drinks don't do harm. I gaining weight back. 

So as I wrote above, I and husband moved to new home in fasting month, so it takes a toll on me. I was busy unpacking, arranging and decorating the furniture and all the belongings that make me really fatigue and exhausted..I got hemorrhoid then. It was painful I can't do my praying or walk or even getting dressed. So I stay at home lying on the bed for two weeks. And that's how I lose some weights. So after that, my mother advised me to start on healthy eating and don't gain weight anymore. I don't look at the scale, but everyone I met complimented me that I am gaining ideal figure that appropriate with my height. I don't do much exercise, but controlling food intake. I still take fast food but not frequent anymore. I ordered plain water/mineral water wherever I go. I also stock up the plain water because I was influenced by the plain water movement in Twitter via twt_kecantikan. The curator have a beautiful skin and thin, and she don't consume supplements. She said it was because of plain water. She also teached the followers on how to make plain water as our lifestyle and I think it is really easy. So yeah I am now depend highly on plain water and my testimonial ---since I practice plain water consumption (since 4 months ago), I rarely get sick like fever, cough, or mouth ulcer, or headache, or stomachache. Alhamdulillah. I also read that plain water reduced weight and able to burn our cholesterol. The visits to the loo is frequent but it's all worth to me. 

I think that's enough for now. Will update later.

Monday, 30 May 2016

The IVF success of septuagenarian couple in India

Last two or three weeks, seantero dunia talked on the successful IVF attempt by a couple in India. Wait, successful IVF attempt is normal news, but this event is quite remarkable sebab ia dilakukan oleh pasangan yang berumur 70 tahun ke atas. Dalijinder Kaur , 72 dan pasangannya Arman Singh, 79.

Mereka telah berjaya melahirkan anak lelaki yang dikira agak kecil, namun sihat..The couple had been together for 46 years, and they were always ridiculed by people, sebab persepsi ke atas childless couple is the curse from God.  (boleh baca sini juga - link)


Namun begitu, pakar2 merasakan perkara ini adalah tak wajar dari sudut peubatan. Ini termasuklah dari sudut kesihatan pasangan pada umur begitu. Kebanyakkan pakar tak berapa setuju sebab ia melibatkan kesan emosi carrying the child for 9 months pada umur lanjut, dan bagaimana mereka nak menjaga bayi tersebut. Selalunya pakar akan menolak permintaan pasangan untuk melakukan IVF jika pasangan dah melebihi umur 60.  (bacaan lanjut boleh baca di link ini - link)

Kalau ikut report, pasangan ini sangat gembira, dan Dalijinder mengatakan dia penuh bertenaga semasa melahirkan bayi mereka, dan suaminya sangat membantu dalam pengurusan penjagaan bayi mereka. Tak silap I, mereka telah mencuba rawatan yang sama sebanyak dua kali tetapi gagal.

Dalam pada itu, media-media telah melabelkan doktor yang melakukan rawatan ke atas mereka sebagai 'tidak beretika'., kerana membenarkan IVF pada umur lanjut sebegitu. King of fertility, Dr Anurag Bishnoi telah dikatakan tidak beretika dan memberikan persepsi tidak baik kepada rawatan kesuburan. Namun, Dr Bishnoi mempertahankan keputusannya, dan mengatakan umur bukan penentu atau penghalang kepada seseorang untuk menjadi seorang ibu. Dia berkata dia telah ada klien yang berumur 60an dan banyak klien berumur 40 tahun ke atas yang telah berjaya menjadi ibu. 

Dr Bishnoi mengusahakan kliniknya bersama isterinya yang juga pakar O&G. Mereka kata pada mulanya, mereka tak mahu merawat pasangan ini, tapi akhirnya mengalah setelah melihatkan keazaman Dalijinder. Dan mereka menguji tahap kesihatan pasangan tersebut, dan hasilnya didapati Dalijinder mempunayi tahap kesihatan yang baik untuk melahirkan anak..

Bacaan lanjut boleh baca di sini, tentang kontrovesi pasal Dr ni (link)

Monday, 16 May 2016

Fast food and infertility

Last week, ada sedikit polemik di Twitterjaya. Not a polemik pun, more to misunderstanding je sebenarnya. Tak ada apa pun sangat lah. Ni gara-gara seorang akaun Sahabat Ustaz Don telah share kan twitpic screencapture dari Instagram seorang Dr juga. 

It ignite the provocation when the Twitter account Ustaz Don/anyone behind this account tulis 'Fast food menganggu kesuburan. RT untuk kesedaran". The screen capture tu pula ala-ala macam menghentam our circles kononnya suka sangat makan fast food, and konon-konon makan prophetic food but only once a week, dan the fast food boleh menyebabkan anak cacat and so on.

I don't get offended pun because it is a knowledge yang kita semua pun dah tahu, the fast food is unhealthy. I think you all pun tak la rasa offended sangat kan..Cuma pada mothers who have different-abilities kids tu maybe offended, like they get that child because they consumed a lot of fast food. 

In Twitter, dah ada a group of medical doctors in every field and area yang actively updating the Twitter to give awareness about medical stuff, just #MedTweetmy tak silap, and banyak sangat ilmu yang boleh didapati, lebih2 lagi #perangmelawanmitos. Like banyak gila benda selama ni yang dimomokkan kepada kita turun termurun that actually takde kaitan pun. 

Ok balik semula pada asal. So this Dr betulkan bahawasanya fast food DIRECTLY causing infertility is not true. And the Dr punya Instagram account pun dah padam the statement and mohon maaf. Beliau pun mengaku it's actually salah faham. 

The thing is, there is no medical research yang kata fast food is DIRECTLY causing infertility, but banyak research yang kata in causing indirectly. Like fast food menyebabkan obesity, and obesity menyebabkan infertility problem. Like the following dari PubMed. Boleh tengok this (link). I just baca abstract. 

Boleh juga baca this (link), and this (link). Memang kalau kita type fast food + infertility, melambak the result keluar, siap quote this Dr and this Dr. Cuma what they mean the correlation is indirect. But still fast food is unhealty for people, tak kisahlah trying to get pregnant or not. Bukan orang nak anak je kena jauhkan fast food, segenap lapisan masyarakat pun kena ada kesedaran tentang pengambilan nutrisi yang bagus. 

Cuma itu lah, salah faham selalu terjadi. To give awareness to people is good, but beware of the condescending tone dalam ayat. I pernah terbaca ada sorang tu tulis hasil perbualan dia dengan pakcik mana-mana entah tepi jalan, konon pakcik tu kondem cara pemakanan orang masa kini, tapi tu lah ayatnya tak berapa sedap like 'entah mana datang budak-budak cacat ni, zaman pakcik dulu tak de pun, sekarang ni dah merata pula'. 

Of course la people cannot accept that kind of condescending tone, sebab dia guna perkataan 'budak cacat merata', 'entah mana datang', and kondem orang zaman sekarang. You see, I am very sure ibu-ibu with different-abilities kid ni dah puas baca dah puas dengar perkataan2 macam tu, but can you imagine what they feel? It's like indirectly orang kutuk dia yang procreate the budak and orang kutuk cara pemakanan dia yang sampai dapat budak macam tu..Sedihnya.. So cruel..I think that different-abilities kid ni wujud di mana-mana tak kira zaman dulu sekarang, cuma sekarang ni the parents are educated and they are more open minded to embrace the differences in their kids, so they talked about it, rather macam some people yang sorok2 the condition of the kids. So do us the society kita pun embrace the differences, and they are anak syurga some more. Our ladang pahala. 

Ok back to the initial story (I know I always diverted to another topi). I admit that I was a fast food lover. It happened masa I was following husband to Borneo and I cannot eat their food. Tak lalu tekak. So for 7 months, I only eat fast food. Pagi McD Big Breakfast, Lunch McD or KFC or Pizza Hut, Tea I beli kek secret recipe, dinner pu n fast food apa-apa yang kenyang la, every single day. I gained 15kg in a year!. Teruk kan... So when I'm trying to conceive, I start reducing the intake and there are also campaigns on Palestine-related, with my initiative to reduce weight - rupanya tak la susah sangat. Actually I rasa fast food sedap and addictive. Bila makan sekali nak lagi sekali dan lagi. So it is up to us to cntrol the intake. So far memang jarang makan fast food. I guess all of us pun macam tu kan? Kita makan fast food pun sekali sekala la bukanlah pagi petang siang malam tu. I used to feel the life is unfair, that orang yang makan fast food banyak2 pun banyak je anak, orang yang dok tahan makan fast food like tak beranak2 fast food tu lah penyebabnya. Alah I think banyak je orang akan kondem our food intake due to our childfree status tapi lantaklah kita lebih tahu what we put in our body kan.